Me or DH.. Being home alone. He thinks it's daft makes me feel worse.

[AlwaysThereForEveryoneElse]

Name Changed for this as dh uses MN.

Aibu or is dh regarding this.

We moved home 2 months ago.. We gave up a LA place for private. We needed space. Exchange and transfer were a min 7 Yr wait. Housing is a huge shortage here.
Financially doable.

Before we even looked at houses I said how I have anxieties about being alone in a house..security wise. Mainly because always had the security of a flat etc etc
Turns out the house has had nothing but issues and caused me a huge anount of stress and still is.
The landlord is good and has been doing what's needed but it's taken time understandably. Some things the landlord can't deal with like electricity supply which is having issues switching over still

The house was previously let to a charity with young adults with behavioural issues therefore I have a worry they'll come back they caused a lot of problems in the neighbourhood and I've heard all sorts.. Even weapons found in the garage. I didn't know is was this bad before moving.

So when dh does his hobby (entertainer) which also earns a bit. He's out from 7pm till 1/2am..
So I just go to upstairs .. I have a fear of going downstairs even to get a drink.. Intake everything that's needed to with me.
He thinks it's silly but I had made it clear months and months ago.

He then believes I'm being miserable if I'm quiet or anxious leading up To the night or the day after as I'm so tired through not sleeping.

It also don't help dd isn't sleeping well at all and I'm up 10+times a night with her.. He simply doesn't hear her. If I wake him it would take so long to do so, dd would be wide awake and not re settle.
I'm also 35w pregnant so really bloody exhausted and uncomfortable.

The other issue I pointed out to him is that the hobby type work he does was regular thing for income (self employed on this) but we no longer need it. He doesn't seem to understand for example if he does a night. He's left at 8am for work after me getting dd up.. Gets in at 6pm. Food shower and out 7 maybe 7 30. So I have to do it all that's all childcare. Cooking cleaning everything
Even when he has his dd. (She's only with us eow Fri to Sun) . The last 2 times and this weekend he's got an event to do and she stays with ..she is in a phase of wetting the bed. So inevitably I have that to deal with if he's not home. She's a good girl but hard work with things like food.. Drink, entertaining her.
He's previously said that each time he has event on, thatvI'm miserable and doesn't understand why I hate the house so me dd and dsd go upstairs the girls go to bed I just sit there listening for noises. ., he also don't understand the pressure it has on me, it's different to when we met it wasn't an issue. . I just had the teen, I felt secure in my flat . Dsd didn have over night stays and we didn't have dd.. I never get a break.. I don't even know what I would do for enjoyment now..
Then baby in jan its gonna be harder and tbh I'm Dreading all the extra pressure that will inevitably fall me.
Yes the money helps but its not needed which is what I explain to him. But I also feel bad that he enjoys it..
Even if he was out in the weekend he doesn't have his dd at ours my ds is then at his dad's so it makes me more anxious.

Aibu and ' silly' or is dh. How do I get him to understand and see my point.
I told. Him I'd put it to the MNetters the weekend but didn't get round to it.

Just read your update, there are ways to rent without a deposit. London has a program called flatfair. You pay a one off fee to the LL instead of a deposit.
Also, another option is from now to end of tenancy agreement on current home, have him set aside some fixed amount like £100 per gig into a joint savings account and over the next six months or year you’d save enough to go towards moving costs. It can be a higher amount if you need/want a deposit too.

It varys no set days... Just whatever he books in.

Well on average how many times a week does he do it.

You need help for your anxiety op, your children will grow up just the same if you do not. Everything else can be tackled separately.

Tbf you say in your op that you already knew you had anxieties about being alone in a house before you moved so it’s not just this particular house that is the problem.

I do get it as when I was younger at uni I was the same especially if I had to sleep on the ground floor (when I rented a flat.) Now it seems daft as I’m not bothered at all being alone these days and I just overcame it with time.

Your fears do sound extreme. Would extra locks etc help or would you still feel fearful?

There’s a lot going on with your dp and his daughter so it’s hard to pick out what’s the most important. I don’t think he should give up the evening work personally although I would not be happy with the gambling.

No average. Its been more recently because of the time of Yr. He could go months with none. Then if he wanted book. 7 in a week. Not that he would but just to show how it can change.

I don't want him to give it up.. Not at all but just give some thought especially when it comes to the pressures it leaves behind.

YABU to seek to address your anxiety by restricting your and his activities.

He’s BU not doing his fair share of parenting his DC, particularly when his DD is only there for a limited proportion of the time.

Have you received help for your anxiety. Surely that has to be the priority as it sounds extreme.

You keep drip feeding different issues in, People usually do this when they don't get the responses they like.

Look

You're hugely unreasonable to want him to stay home because you are scared at night, you need to seek help for this.

If you don't pay for repairs then you need to keep living like this. And you need to manage the anxiety,

If he doesn't pull his weight at home speak to him about it, but it's a different issue.

I'm not sure about ehh gambling you suddenly dripped in. Of course he shouldn't have gambled hundreds. Speak to him about it.

Try to seperate out your relationship issues from the fact you don't like your home, don't want to pay for any repairs because it's rented, and then are too scared to come downstairs in the evening.

Had previously had cbt. For other issues.

The anxieties isn't in the day. I just don't feel. Safe at night in a house.. I had said this before moving but EVERYONE kept saying we needed to move etc so thought fuck it I'll make everyone happy and do it.. They're all happy now at least. Yes the old flat was small but it would of worked there are others worse off.

I got myself a fan for next to my bed the noise drowns out the usual normal house creeks etc so it really helps me settle

It wasn't meant as a drip. It was to. Say he'd ballsed up. Works bailed him. Menai g he had to do extra weekends meani g that's on his dds weekend.. Meaning down to me to pick up the slack.

Fans a good idea but upstairs is so cold compared to rest of house. But can get one out loft to try.

'I'm not saving for repairs as it's not my house to do so.'

Do you mean you're not allowed to? Or that you don't think you should? If it's the latter, then that's entirely your choice. Personally, if doing the repairs meant that I was happier, I would do the repairs, regardless of who should do them.

Hello - to some extent I get where you are coming from. I used to be petrified of being home alone in a house that I had when I lived in a rough area. I had to double lock and check the house (ie no one hiding in the shower) before I could settle.

Power is knowledge. Can you set up some security lights and cameras - so if you do hear a noise you can check an app and reassure yourself that on one is there.

For the doors which aren't secure - you need to get the landlord on the case or see what you can do - bolts and chains?

If you don't want to be cold, you can just stream 'white noise' or 'nature sounds' on your phone--youtube has plenty (do it by wifi).

I actually bought an album on itunes called "Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night," which is nature sounds (rain, ocean, stream, etc). It means the house noises are less noticeable.

However, there are bigger issues. You need proper locks on your house. I don't know the law, but where I am, landlords need to provide a secure property or allow their tenants to do so. In the meantime, you can get a portable doorjammer for the back door.

Your husband needs to make a clear commitment to being there when his daughter is there. He also needs to be a significant presence in the baby's life.

And you should think seriously about returning to therapy. It sounds as if your anxiety is more general than the situation. See your GP; he or she can help.

It started off with sounding like he was out doing his hobby all the time leaving you to do all the parenting including all the time with his DD. It now appears it is far more sporadic, he is not out all the time at all but at the moment for a sort while it is more than normal. So yes he needs to help you more and he needs to be there for his DD but the anxiety is for you to sort out. I suspect that the house is more secure than you think and your anxiety is making things seem far worse than they really are.

I think you all don’t understand the OP’s anxiety - I do. I moved into a big new house. I hated being there on my own when my DH wasn’t there. Our front door had a big window and then the door beside it. I used to run upstairs Quickly past the window and lock myself in my room when he was out. We got a new solid front door and I’ve had no issues or anxiety over being in the house on my own since. I wasn’t suffering from severe anxiety I just didn’t feel secure in my home I think because the door was thin with thin glass and subconsciously it go to me and it was more noticeable when DH was away. I didn’t need to go to a doctor! I just needed to fix the issue.

So I’m not surprised the Op feels anxious when she describes her house with all the windows on the conservatory and rotten unsupported doors, thin wood and a broken patched up front door and it being a prior home to teens with behavioural issues. It sounds horrible and I would hate to live somewhere like that.

OP would you move somewhere else if you are only renting? You could tell the LL it’s not fit for purposes and point out everything you said here. You’d probably find your anxiety is gone then you’d just need your DH to be more active in parenting and family life which is another issue.

I do empathise as I felt this way when we moved, it took time to be comfortable being alone, I'm not even sure what I was anxious about having; I was just uncomfortable. It's not as easy as just not worrying is it, I don't think he should have to make loads of sacrifices due to it, but he should definitely be supportive and also help out with his DD at night.

I have anxiety issues and have also experienced feeling unsafe and insecure in housing.

It may well be possible to argue for and make security improvements. But in the meantimebthe odds of a break in are low and working on the anxiety would be sensible.

But the OP said she would feel like this before they moved. She wanted to stay ina small flat because of it. This was before they had even moved.

What do you want to happen OP? You have had lots of sensible practical advice on here. You keep batting suggestions away.
Get your husband to put a large bolt on the conservatory door. It has been shown that if burglars encounter barriers to them getting in a house, they give up very quickly. Motion sensor lights are very effective at scaring intruders off.
Try not to dwell on unlikely scenarios. Make your mind up about what you want and talk sensibly to your husband. It sounds like between you, you have four children. You do need the extra space. Be practical and think of your children. Try to avoid fanciful ideas and be proactive about making important things happen.

I grew up with a parent who had extreme anxiety, its no way to live.

You're trying to control your DP with your anxiety, and rightly he isn't having any of it. It is not normal to feel so scared that you cannot go downstairs to get a drink, what do you think will happen? How is being upstairs saving you?! It's ridiculous and illogical and I hope you go to your GP.
You say that your DD knows no different etc. But she will, take it from me

I think a compromise would be for him not to work when DSD is there. She is his responsibility not yours.

Would that work for you?