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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it takes 2 minutes to text back

123 replies

Holeinmysock · 15/12/2019 21:25

Anyone else think it’s bloody rude to ignore a text message for a few days when you are offering to pop around with a Christmas gift for their baby?

This is a work colleague currently on mat leave, I know they are usually glued to their phone. We got on quite well and when the baby was born our team sent a lovely gift but we had no end of problems finding out when she’d be able to receive it, she ignored messages for weeks despite having a straightforward delivery, being well and out and about soon after the birth. Since she’s been off I send a friendly text every now and again and she does reply eventually. I have bought a little gift for the baby and text a few days ago to ask when it would be convenient to drop it in. Again, no reply.

I find this terribly rude, DH thinks that perhaps she doesn’t want contact with work people outside of work but we used to be friendly and socialise together. Maybe it’s time to accept that she’s not interested but apparently she is returning to work so why be so rude to people?

And yes, I have 3 kids of my own so I know how difficult the early days with a newborn is. It takes 2 minutes to text back though, and if it’s not convenient then that’s fine too!

OP posts:

StreetwiseHercules · 16/12/2019 07:07

Just leave the poor woman alone. She is on maternity leave. As a colleague, unless she contacts you, that is sacred.

Yoohoo16 · 16/12/2019 07:09

I think yabu. When I had a newborn, on the surface I looked like I was doing amazingly. Inside, I hated life and was struggling. I didn’t want people around me who weren’t really close to me.

HolyGuac · 16/12/2019 07:12

She may be suffering from PND the last thing I wanted was anyone turning up at my house but my mum or my sister.

Tinkobell · 16/12/2019 07:19

Get over yourself. Just post it with a note.

Shinnoo · 16/12/2019 07:20

Yabu.

Offering to 'pop round ' is pushy and would do my head in. Proper friendships I am delighted to welcome people in - work friends with whom I have to put on a front with - not so much.

Savingforarainyday · 16/12/2019 07:20

Maybe she's overwhelmed and doesn't want anyone at her house.
Have you offered another alternative? Asked if she wants to come round to yous, and you'll make her lunch...?
Or ask if she wants to meet in town? See if she want to go to the cinema?
For the record, I just realised I completely forgot to reply to a work friend- for a month.
I really like her, and I feel terrible.

Just because your friend was fine at work, doesn't mean she's fine at home.

Tinkobell · 16/12/2019 07:21

Anything could be happening with this baby btw. Croupe cough, reflux, ear infections, PND - anything. Just post it, wish her well and leave it be.

TheCatInAHat · 16/12/2019 07:25

I have an irrational but strong urge to go ‘fuck offffffffff!’ when I hear from work people on mat leave. I prefer to feel like work doesn’t exist, and I’ll face it again when it I’m ready to (close to the return date).

CakeandCustard28 · 16/12/2019 07:41

I’m like this with messages. It can take me months to reply to someone sometimes! Maybe she has aniexty too and just wants to be left alone. You seem really sulky about it though you’re over reacting.

Rachelle1980 · 16/12/2019 09:38

Here's a thought too.. my work phone hasn't actually been powered up for months during mat leave. No reason too except 1 time I had a pay query so used it to get the number of my HR contact. Why would I use it on mat leave? Maybe she's the same. Respectfully, listen to her boundaries and back off op. You seem... Over invested.

tinytoast · 16/12/2019 09:42

OP your heart is in the right place. It is really thoughtful of you to send a gift and stay in contact.

princesstinnedpeach · 16/12/2019 10:01

I expect her visiting your workplace was a way of boxing off seeing everyone from work and introducing the baby to them - I plan to do the same with my eight week old in the new year, and wouldn't expect to see colleagues individually outside of that. Actually, I have seen a couple of mine already, but they're definitely in the bracket of actual friends I know through work rather than just work friends - it doesn't sound like that applies for you and this woman. The combination of the time of year and a new baby means that literally everyone you know wants to see you and they're working so they want it to be times when they're not at work, bearing in mind I'm permanently exhausted as mothers of new babies are and still have to get ready for Christmas as usual - sorry to say it but if a work colleague I 'got on quite well' with wanted to pop in during the premium non-work hours at the moment I'd be flattered but mildly horrified and in trying to think of a way to politely avoid it, I could well forget to text back.

KnobJockey · 16/12/2019 10:07

I have a 12 week old and I struggle with this. It's not that I don't want to see people, it's knowing who what when and arranging things. Friend- can I come see you next week. I start thinking that will be nice, what day is the health visitor coming, oh baby's awake, next day, must reply, maybe we can do Wednesday, just need to check with DP that it's not his day off, oh look, baby's awake again. By the time you know it, you haven't replied to a home, yet you've still spent hours surfing Mumsnet. No brain power at the minute.

princesstinnedpeach · 16/12/2019 10:08

Also, damn right everyone at work heard that I had a straightforward delivery - I don't think anyone would have appreciated a detailed update on what really happened!

Shinyletsbebadguys · 16/12/2019 10:09

I'm the same as other pp I absolutely hate people visiting my home like that. Pop around would be a problem for me . I'm more than happy to meet in a coffee shop or elsewhere , not an issue at all. However in my teens I had mental health issues and nasty PND that lasted until the DC were a year (it doesn't always stop after a couple of months). As such my home is my safe space.

These days I am in control of my mental health but that's because I work at it and part of that is realising my homes sanctuary is really important.

Most of my friends get that. They dont push and it's not a big deal.

It does sort of sound like she prefers to meet elsewhere so maybe that's what it is. However the one thing I appreciated with all my friends and family is not getting a cob on because of some perceived expectation after the DC were born. One person did, and seemed to expect me to jump because they wanted to celebrate in a certain way after DC were born.

She is no longer my friend as it was all about her being appreciated for being "nice".

Stop taking offence at ghosts OP and if you feel the need for arbitrary social conventions to take the place of support then choose friends with the same "values".

Kazzyhoward · 16/12/2019 10:10

Perhaps she finds it hard to commit to a day/time when she'll be in? She may have lots of things to do, i.e. doctor appointments, shopping, going to see her own friends/rellies, etc., and may find it hard to commit to anything fixed when she may just prefer to go out when she and the little one are up to it and stay in when they're not. I know I was like that - I had an emergency c section and our son was 5 weeks premature and spent his first week in SCBU. He was then very poorly for several months at home. Last thing I wanted to do was be stuck inside waiting for someone to call on a "good" day after we'd had a good night's sleep and had loads of things to do outside the house.

I'm the same now - DS is grown up, but I now run my own office based internet business. I hate it when the odd client wants a face to face meeting because it means I have to be stuck in the office that day. When the day comes and it's a glorious sunny day, I just want the freedom to get out on my bike or for a long work. I work 10 hours per day on average, but that is usually 12 hours on a rainy day and 1 hour on a sunny day, inc weekends. I really don't like the rigidity of meetings/appointments etc - life's too short. I like to embrace freedom.

Rachelle1980 · 16/12/2019 11:27

Also when you have a baby everyone wants you to meet their expectations. At one point I was operating on about 2.5hrs sleep a night and a "great" day was brushing my teeth in the mornings... Everyone had lost interest and was expecting to be hosted by 5 months yet that was arguably when I really needed help, practically and mental health wise!

dottypotter · 16/12/2019 14:10

dont rely on texting pick up the phone and speak to her then you will know.

Skysblue · 16/12/2019 14:55

My son woke every 45 minutes for the first year (or was it two 🤷‍♀️). I could barely string a sentence together let alone remember which texts I’d replied to and which I hadn’t. You don’t know what’s going on with her. Maybe she has PND. Maybe her marriage is crappy and taking all of her energy. Maybe her kid has medical stuff going on. And ‘popping round’ may sound simple to you but she’d have to spend time and energy tidying up etc which maybe she just doesn’t want to. Post the present and wish her well then let go. If it’s a real friendship she’ll be in touch eventually.

MiniMum97 · 16/12/2019 17:51

I am rubbish at relying to text messages and I forget. Doesn't mean I don't like someone or that I'm being rude. Just forgetful. Not everyone is the same and is as good at this type of thing as other people.

fligglepige · 16/12/2019 17:56

I did this when I had DS. A work colleague wanted to pop round with a gift when I was deep in the baby blues and struggling with bf, my house was influxed with visitors and midwives and it was a complete tip, I was getting zero sleep and I just wanted to sit and cry with my boobs out. I was in too vulnerable a place to say sorry I just don't want to see you right now but eventually replied after a few days inviting her round, she didn't come, I was relieved.

Idratherbeonquora · 16/12/2019 18:05

I bet shes struggling to keeo het home visitor ready and is putting it odd

anothernamejeeves · 17/12/2019 22:52

I constantly had a mountain of washing due to a permanently vomiting baby. Unless not was a very very close friend who had seen me at rock bottom there was no way anybody would be coming to my house

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