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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it takes 2 minutes to text back

123 replies

Holeinmysock · 15/12/2019 21:25

Anyone else think it’s bloody rude to ignore a text message for a few days when you are offering to pop around with a Christmas gift for their baby?

This is a work colleague currently on mat leave, I know they are usually glued to their phone. We got on quite well and when the baby was born our team sent a lovely gift but we had no end of problems finding out when she’d be able to receive it, she ignored messages for weeks despite having a straightforward delivery, being well and out and about soon after the birth. Since she’s been off I send a friendly text every now and again and she does reply eventually. I have bought a little gift for the baby and text a few days ago to ask when it would be convenient to drop it in. Again, no reply.

I find this terribly rude, DH thinks that perhaps she doesn’t want contact with work people outside of work but we used to be friendly and socialise together. Maybe it’s time to accept that she’s not interested but apparently she is returning to work so why be so rude to people?

And yes, I have 3 kids of my own so I know how difficult the early days with a newborn is. It takes 2 minutes to text back though, and if it’s not convenient then that’s fine too!

OP posts:

iceymonkey · 15/12/2019 21:46

I agree, I think its quite rude. But she is obviously not interested...the same happened to me not long ago, so I haven't texted her again.
I kept the gift and I will give it to another friend who is now expecting.

daisypond · 15/12/2019 21:47

No, I don’t think it’s rude not to reply for a few days.

DamnitCharlie · 15/12/2019 21:50

Like others have said once my partner went back to work I didn't like people popping round as my house was a state, I had hardly any sleep and was a state and the baby always wanted to breastfeed or nap but not nap unless it was dark and I was rocking her which wasn't very conducive to having nice chats with visitors!

Had a fairly straightforward birth and recovery as well.

I was also really anxious about people holding the baby. It's a stressful time, a walk with the pram was always better as the baby can sleep but I would still stress about somewhere to sit and feed the baby or change nappies when I was out.

bluesteakandcheese · 15/12/2019 21:50

@holeinmysock I agree, it is rude. You really haven't come across like you've bombarded her, you've tried to do what you thought what was the right thing.
You sound very similar to me - I go out of my way for people and try to be kind and polite and silly old me expects to always receive the same treatment. Sadly there are a lot of rude people in this world who think nothing of ignoring a message. So, YANBU.

puds11 · 15/12/2019 21:52

My baby is 5 months and tbh it’s harder now than it was when she was new born! I’m definitely more frazzled now.

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 15/12/2019 21:53

Yanbu. It is rude not to reply even if the reply is 'Sorry I'm too busy/tired for visitors right now'. Everyone understand that is often the case with a newborn.

Hang on to the gift for a bit longer and if she continues to ignore you give it to charity or save it for another newborn.

anothernamejeeves · 15/12/2019 21:54

You seem to think having a gift for her entitles you to a piece of her. It doesn't. She could be overwhelmed, struggling want a break from work or hearing about it or maybe she finds you difficult, you certainly sound it on this thread

gothefcktosleep · 15/12/2019 21:54

Ahhh yeah OP, I totally know how you feel. Had/have a friend who is a fricking nightmare to get hold of but she’s constantly updating her Instagram so you know she’s got her phone and is just not responding. I don’t know what is going on with your friend though, she might have started to respond, got distracted and then forgotten to reply to you properly...

Danni12 · 15/12/2019 21:55

We can't really assume what's going on with your friend/ work colleague. It is possible that she has post natal depression and is not up to any communication with anyone?
When my DC was a few weeks old I had a work colleague texting numerous times to ask when she could pop round with a present from the team, she became very pushy and I didn't respond. Between both families and close friends it had felt like Piccadilly Circus at my house and I was exhausted and in pain from an emergency C Section. I just felt overwhelmed and pressured. I barely looked at my phone my anxiety was sky high.
We just don't know what is ever going on for other people unless they share that fully with us. I would post it and hope that she is doing ok

Durgasarrow · 15/12/2019 21:56

I am terrible at answering messages. I have a hard time figuring out what words to use. And thinking of what time would be a good time for someone to "pop around." I might feel self-conscious of my weight or how clean my house was. I might feel as if I don't know how to make grown-up conversation anymore. There are so many reasons why it might take a lot of time to answer a message.

marmitemayonnaise · 15/12/2019 21:59

Definitely just post it.
I struggle with the baby days, even at five months my children were both 'high needs' and I felt extremely overwhelmed. I retreated from a lot of people in my life until I went back to work and felt more human, including work colleagues who I saw as friends.

AnxiousandExcited · 15/12/2019 22:00

I can leave messages for weeks at the moment. I'm tired , not doing amazing - if she doesn't have an easy answer she might just have pushed off answering and then forgotten.
I know it feels easy to answer but it sometimes isn't. What if she has PND or something? You wouldn't know.

bumblingbovine49 · 15/12/2019 22:02

Yet more people who think the world revolves around them. iT IS NOT RUDE TO TAKE A DAY OR TWO TO REPLY TO A MESSAGE . There I have said it . What is rude is to expect every message you send to be replied.to instantaneously. That pretty self centred really. If you want an urgent reply ( although what the hell is urgent about taking a present round?),.then call them .

AhoyMrBeaver · 15/12/2019 22:02

Ignoring the text seems less rude than the alternative I suppose - "No thanks, I don't want to see you."

Mopmum35 · 15/12/2019 22:07

To be fair I do think its rude to not reply. It doesn't take long to text somthing back, even if she didnt want to see you OP she could of text somthing back.

Original poster

Holeinmysock · 15/12/2019 22:09

Fair enough, as you say it may mean that the 12 year friendship we had has waned. She was around whilst I had all my children and I shared the ups and downs with her. She brought baby into work, I saw her then and she was right as rain, baby was really quite easy she said. I dropped her a well meaning message after a few weeks and said I hoped all was well and she responded positively.
I didn’t feel like I’d been hounding her. It just seems she doesn’t like people visiting her home much. That’s fine too, I’ll post the gift.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 15/12/2019 22:10

I saw her then and she was right as rain, baby was really quite easy she said.

You don’t know what’s actually going on behind closed doors. People aren’t always comfortable sharing how tough things are. Or things could have changed in the last few weeks since you’ve seen her.

Rachelle1980 · 15/12/2019 22:12

she ignored messages for weeks despite having a straightforward delivery, being well and out and about soon after the birth

None of my work colleagues know details of my delivery... "Mother and baby doing well". I didn't want my baby's health issues discussed in the middle of not knowing what would happen, nor my double incontinence bad infection situation known.

You cannot say she's had a straightforward delivery, I wasn't right until about 4-5 months pp. In terms of mental issues and going out safely in practical terms.

Really fucking annoying when people write this as if they know what happened. Even my in laws don't understand the extent of the problems during birth, colleagues would be in the "mind your own business" group by far.

Butterfly84 · 15/12/2019 22:14

Seems like you like her much more than she likes you.

You might have been good friends once but sounds like she now wants to be left alone to spend time with her baby and whilst she may be going out and seeing other people, as you said, she probably doesn't want to be thinking or talking about work.

Not saying she hasn't been rude, she definitely has been rude. But stop pushing the friendship now OP. Let it fizzle out because you cannot continue a one-sided friendship.

puds11 · 15/12/2019 22:16

She may look wonderful, but may not actually be wonderful.

Post the present, wait and see if you get a text. If you don’t, draw a line under it and move on. No point trying to second guess people.

ChaiNashta · 15/12/2019 22:18

My 3rd DC is 5 months and you would have thought I'd have got this baby malarkey down to a 'T' by now but I'm still at the 'can't cope with visitors' stage and am trying to bat away threats of relatives 'dropping by' at the moment let alone deal with a work colleague visiting or even friends.

Fanlights · 15/12/2019 22:24

You seem to have very prescriptive views about when this woman should be available to receive gifts from your team and you, when you have no idea what’s going on with her. I wouldn’t be sharing details of labour, PND, despair etc with colleagues. Just post them — that way you know it’s been received without the need to discuss availability.

Angie6868 · 15/12/2019 22:25

Unless she's invited you to her house, I think it's incredibly rude to "offer to pop round".

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 15/12/2019 22:25

Since she’s been off I send a friendly text every now and again and she does reply eventually. I have bought a little gift for the baby

WHY?? you haven’t seen her in 5 months, you have sporadic contact by text that she eventually replies to. Take the hint- she’s just not that into you. This is not a friendship. You sound a bit try hard.

LipUpFattyReggee · 15/12/2019 22:29

I think YABU.

I am someone who will not respond immediately to messages. I’m not a bad person and it doesn’t mean I don’t like the person, but sometimes I don’t have the social energy to deal with things.

It has definitely worsened since having DS (who is 2 now). I sometimes feel like I don’t know how to reply - even to people who I’ve been friends with for 16+ years - and I need to focus on them at a later time when I’m more able.

And for what it’s worth I also had a straight forward birth and ‘seem’ happy enough to the outside world - but I don’t share anything how I really feel (even with long standing friends and colleagues) because there’s a lot of stigma in saying you don’t love motherhood.

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