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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it takes 2 minutes to text back

123 replies

Holeinmysock · 15/12/2019 21:25

Anyone else think it’s bloody rude to ignore a text message for a few days when you are offering to pop around with a Christmas gift for their baby?

This is a work colleague currently on mat leave, I know they are usually glued to their phone. We got on quite well and when the baby was born our team sent a lovely gift but we had no end of problems finding out when she’d be able to receive it, she ignored messages for weeks despite having a straightforward delivery, being well and out and about soon after the birth. Since she’s been off I send a friendly text every now and again and she does reply eventually. I have bought a little gift for the baby and text a few days ago to ask when it would be convenient to drop it in. Again, no reply.

I find this terribly rude, DH thinks that perhaps she doesn’t want contact with work people outside of work but we used to be friendly and socialise together. Maybe it’s time to accept that she’s not interested but apparently she is returning to work so why be so rude to people?

And yes, I have 3 kids of my own so I know how difficult the early days with a newborn is. It takes 2 minutes to text back though, and if it’s not convenient then that’s fine too!

OP posts:
DecemberSnow · 16/12/2019 00:25

Harsh responses OP... But you posted on AIBU....
This is a harsh thread

Isithometimeyet0987 · 16/12/2019 01:01

She may be like me, I’m very friendly with those I work with and socialise with them all the time outside of work BUT I don’t want them in my home it’s my way of making sure I keep part of my life separate from work and would probably try my hardest to put any of them off coming round to my house. My family and close friends are always welcome (no warning needed) but work friends no not usually (there may be a time I make an exception, you never know). I spend a lot of time at work btw running my own business so my home is usually (apart from show and exam time) a work free zone and with work friends you always end up talking about work.

CharlottesPleb · 16/12/2019 01:14

Why not just give someone who has just had a baby the benefit of the doubt for as long as she needs it with no judgment or assumptions, and treat whether they want to be friends with you or not as a question for another time when can have a bit more of an idea how to take things.

Dita73 · 16/12/2019 01:30

She’s not being rude. Poor woman might just be knackered and the thought of visitors may fill her with dread. You sound quite needy. If you’ve bought a gift that you genuinely want the baby to have then send it to her but the way you’re describing the situation makes it sound like she owes you a debt of gratitude. She sounds like a work acquaintance rather than a good friend or rather you do from her perspective. I’d just take the hint and leave it

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 16/12/2019 04:15

Just post the gift

PhoneLock · 16/12/2019 04:26

Some people just don't look at their phones every two minutes. I've given up texting DH and just ring him instead as I have a (slightly) better chance of getting a response.

Mamsnetter2020 · 16/12/2019 04:36

How often do you pop round? Perhaps you have been there before and outstayed you’re welcome?

I’m on maternity leave and would much rather be relaxed in my PJs and my mess while I can - Are you the kind of peeps on who won’t take. I for an answer?

Mamsnetter2020 · 16/12/2019 04:37

*no

Shesalittlemadam · 16/12/2019 04:38

@afterschoolworry Threatening?????

redcarbluecar · 16/12/2019 05:11

Some of these replies seem harsh (rude to ask if you can pop round to a friend’s house??) but give her a break and try not to overthink - she probably isn’t meaning to ignore you. Texts do sometimes sit there for a while. You could perhaps try again but be more specific (are you around Sat morning for a quick visit as I’m passing?) or, if that seems a bit much, post it or leave it in her porch in a week or so when you’ve given her a bit more chance to reply.

Beautiful3 · 16/12/2019 05:25

She probably read it when she was sleep deprived then forgot. Send another text message.

ELM8 · 16/12/2019 05:35

YABU. I've just had a baby and the sheer number of people on my case who want to come round is so overwhelming. Family, friends, neighbours, colleagues. It's a lot when you don't know how much sleep you will get, how you will feel etc and you just want to enjoy your baby. Add on top of that midwives, health visitors etc. Colleagues are quite far down my list of visitors when there's family that hasn't even met the baby yet.

Back off, post the gift and ask her to let you know when she's ready to se you.

Aridane · 16/12/2019 05:56

Hang on to the gift for a bit longer and if she continues to ignore you give it to charity or save it for another newborn.

I has already said she will post it

Aridane · 16/12/2019 05:56

OP, not I!

Aridane · 16/12/2019 05:57

Ignoring the text seems less rude than the alternative I suppose - "No thanks, I don't want to see you."

Yes, fair point

Pollyhops · 16/12/2019 06:19

When my ds was 5 months old I was suffering PND and still trying to busy my head in the sand. My house was a mess and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted anyone round.

Perhaps this is how your friend/colleague feels?

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 16/12/2019 06:24

I would not want any colleagues to come to my home, much as I like them

The comments and discussion of the size and state of my house (that I know would be discussed!) would bother me. I also would not want to breastfeed in front of them. And "poppers by" might stay and stay Grin could not have handled it

No no no

I like my colleagues in the office, but not in my home

itsstillgood · 16/12/2019 06:34

Goodness she will have forgotten because she couldn't reply immediately or done that trick of mentally replying but not physically replying (a personal favourite). Just send another text saying did you see my message, list a few convenient times, state you won't stay if she is busy just want to deliver gift and say merry Christmas. Say if she 's not about you can post and arrange a catch up in the new year.

Newbie1981 · 16/12/2019 06:40

She's probably got proper friends and family all booked it, you will come pretty far down the list in terms of visiting. But yeah she could reply

Mlou32 · 16/12/2019 06:45

It is not rude to take a few days to respond. People don't owe you their time just because you've texted. What if you texted constantly, would someone owe you their time constantly? Although I get that everyone thinks differently, that's just my opinion.

Why are you sending her a gift? You're a work colleague, work has already sent her a gift. I had a work colleague, who eventually became a friend which I ended up regretting. Constant messaging. Very pushy, we only became friends because she was constantly pushing me to meet for a drink outside of work and wouldn't let up. I wasn't assertive enough and the times that I did respond was when she pinned me down to meeting.

She texted me with an issue about how she had been texting a work colleague who had also became a friend and said friend didn't always respond immediately. From what my friend was making out, she was completely innocent and the other person was the bad guy, all she was doing was apparently sending a few messages and having a conversation. She genuinely believed she wasn't as fault and screenshotted me the messages between them. Oh. My. God. She was absolutely harassing the poor girl, demanding to know why she didn't respond to her straight away, saying that when she didn't get an immediate or at least "timely" response then the conversation became "disjointed". Then when the girl tried to lay down down some boundaries ie tell her that if she's at home relaxing then she wouldn't always text back straight away, my 'friend' starts grilling her asking her for a timetable ie evenings and weekends in which it would be acceptable to text her and when she would be able to get an immediate response. It was nuts.

So I'm getting the feeling (but I could be entirely wrong) that maybe something similar is going on here? I think you have to accept that if someone does want to be friends or at least have the strength of friendship that you want, then they'll make the effort. Otherwise maybe she's just trying to be non confrontation but back off from you. Or maybe she does want to be friends but is trying to lay down some boundaries about how she only wants a friends who she speaks to now and then. Without knowing the intricacies of the relationship, I can't say for certain.

I'd back off for now if I were you. Don't send anymore texts. If, after christmas she still hasn't responded, then donate the gift to charity. Don't text her again first, depending on your intensity of texting, she may feel harassed.

HorridHamble · 16/12/2019 06:48

Posting the gift is a good plan. I’d also text again asking after your friend. Maybe she is struggling, maybe she’s unwell, maybe she’s preoccupied. We don’t know. I’d hope my friends wouldn’t jump to conclusions and put my lack of response down to rudeness or apathy. Bit harsh.

Italiandreams · 16/12/2019 06:55

When I am struggling and overwhelmed the first thing I struggle to cope with that social interaction in my phone , it’s just too much. Doesn’t mean I’m being deliberately rude, and luckily I have friends who understand and don’t put pressure/ conditions on our friendship. They give me the time and space I need.

annielennoxstuckinmyhead · 16/12/2019 06:58

I had my third baby three weeks ago and had a relatively straight forward delivery. I hold my hands up and say at the moment I'm avoiding everyone. I've had people texting me asking to come over and I just can't hack it at the moment. Answering their messages gives me great anxiety because I have to come up with a reason as to why I can't bring myself to do it.

I can't explain why I don't want to see anyone. I don't want anyone in my house at the moment, even my best friend. I do text back every day though, but she's the only one I do respond to.

Maybe that makes me a rude bitch, but quite frankly I just don't care at the moment. I can't help how I feel.

MrsCholmleyWarner · 16/12/2019 07:02

She might have had visitors that stayed too long, or she might be embarrassed of her house. Why not suggest meeting up for a quick coffee somewhere near her house?

eaglejulesk · 16/12/2019 07:06

Yes, it is rude. Most people I know don't put their whole lives on hold because they've had a baby, and are more than happy to have a friend call around, especially if they want to bring a gift for the baby. It would take very little effort to respond, and if she is not up to visitors she could say so.

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