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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it takes 2 minutes to text back

123 replies

Holeinmysock · 15/12/2019 21:25

Anyone else think it’s bloody rude to ignore a text message for a few days when you are offering to pop around with a Christmas gift for their baby?

This is a work colleague currently on mat leave, I know they are usually glued to their phone. We got on quite well and when the baby was born our team sent a lovely gift but we had no end of problems finding out when she’d be able to receive it, she ignored messages for weeks despite having a straightforward delivery, being well and out and about soon after the birth. Since she’s been off I send a friendly text every now and again and she does reply eventually. I have bought a little gift for the baby and text a few days ago to ask when it would be convenient to drop it in. Again, no reply.

I find this terribly rude, DH thinks that perhaps she doesn’t want contact with work people outside of work but we used to be friendly and socialise together. Maybe it’s time to accept that she’s not interested but apparently she is returning to work so why be so rude to people?

And yes, I have 3 kids of my own so I know how difficult the early days with a newborn is. It takes 2 minutes to text back though, and if it’s not convenient then that’s fine too!

OP posts:
Lucyccfc68 · 15/12/2019 22:30

She's rude.

AdriannaP · 15/12/2019 22:34

YABU and sound pushy. She just had a baby and doesn’t want to hang out with work colleagues or is busy/struggling... in the winter babies are often ill, maybe she doesn’t get much sleep and doesn’t feel like having a visitor. Just post it!

Havaina · 15/12/2019 22:35

We had a do and present for colleague who went on maternity. She hasn't emailed to say whether she had a boy or girl or whether it went well, it's been many months since she has baby. Should she contact us or should we contact her?

Zucker · 15/12/2019 22:35

Unfortunately you're a work friend to her. She's on maternity leave and most likely doesn't want to be thinking about work. Give her the gift when she comes back to work.

thenightsky · 15/12/2019 22:35

I kind of closed down when I had DC2. I couldn't even get myself to the baby clinic for check ups and used to ignore the phone completely. Looking back I must have looked awful to outsiders, but I really, really was in a different world/brain fug/semi-mental illness thing. Sad

fascinated · 15/12/2019 22:36

I don’t like getting gifts. It makes me feel anxious and they are usually not to my taste. I feel obliged to reciprocate and I don’t want to do that with many people. Gifting is very overrated, in my opinion. I wish certain people would take the hint! Maybe she is like me.

HomelessnessIsABigIssue · 15/12/2019 22:40

Some people don’t live by their phone or need to check texts, SM etc... all the time.
Some people lead active busy lives and feel that , if it’s really urgent, then the person will phone

I kind of agree with this. Perhaps she got your text and meant to text back, bit forgot. Perhaos she hasn't read your text yet, perhaps she's thinking about when would be a good day. Perhaps she's feeling low at the moment and can't face seeing anyone (could have been me after a new born), perhaps a million other things have happened and other people have been contacting and she's got side tracked. Who knows! If you need an answer, text again and/or call her!

BreatheAndFocus · 15/12/2019 22:40

YA(mostly)BU. She didn’t reply - perhaps because she wasn’t sure how to politely say she didn’t want you popping round. You should have taken the hint.

Not posting the gift sounds like you’re trying to manufacture a reason to pop round and see the baby.

Why do whole offices of people feel they need to butt in to people’s private lives? When I was pregnant and had just moved house, I had colleagues I hardly spoke to suddenly asking exactly where my house was and excitedly talking about popping round after the birth.

I appreciate you’re a friend but even so, maybe she thinks if you pop round she’ll have others doing the same too.

Post the present and leave her be.

tinkerbellla · 15/12/2019 22:45

She's probably struggling and the last thing she's thinking about getting herself together to have you over (I know you just want to pop over but she's prob not ready/has built it up). Just pop it in the post and let her get on with the madness of being a new mum.Smile

tillytrotter1 · 15/12/2019 22:45

Not everyone is surgically attached to their phones, mine is often uncharged for days.

Fundays12 · 15/12/2019 22:54

I have 3 kids, work 1 day a week done have done since my 4 month old was 8 weeks old and actually cope really well. However not everyone does and just because they appear to be doing well doesn’t mean they are. I struggled with anxiety after my first child and was good at hiding it. She may not want people around her house or to see people unless it’s family or her closest friends. I wouldn’t judge her too harsh nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors or in someone’s head.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 15/12/2019 23:00

This is how people who are finding life overwhelming and/or who are depressed or suffering from anxiety quite often behave. They'll also often say they are fine and put on an outward show of coping so as not to burden others with their problems. Few people openly share their struggles with every acquaintance. Plus, once you've not replied straight away, it becomes more and more awkward, fuelling the person's anxiety.

If you care about her, then either simply post the present, or pop round and leave it quietly on the doorstep without disturbing her. Otherwise, being so incensed that you're thinking of giving the present away, suggests that this is really all about you and your desire for recognition, so you might want to consider whether there's a reason you feel like that.

fascinated · 15/12/2019 23:08

Otherwise, being so incensed that you're thinking of giving the present away, suggests that this is really all about you and your desire for recognition, so you might want to consider whether there's a reason you feel like that.

^ this

Dongdingdong · 15/12/2019 23:14

Sorry OP but this all sounds incredibly pushy and claustrophobic. I’m with your friend.

Poorboy136 · 15/12/2019 23:19

OP I think you’re right, there’s been a few strange responses on this thread. Some people are strange though I guess!

I don’t think YBU at all. It’s a lovely gesture to buy her child a gift. The least she could do would be to reply. You obviously had a friendship hence you bought the gift (to the person who said you don’t like each other 🙄)

It’s her loss though OP as you sound lovely. Perhaps she has got a lot on ect so for the benefit of the doubt, however I would leave it now and perhaps say you’ll post it instead.

I’ve learned that there are those that free their time for you and those that see you in their free time - know the difference xx

Poorboy136 · 15/12/2019 23:21

PS perhaps she is having a hard find like pp have suggested so that’s why I’d try not to take it too personal. That’s not always the case though and sadly you unlikely to find out which one of is.

Berrylove · 15/12/2019 23:22

She’s not being rude at all. I’m on my phone a lot and are currently on mat leave but I always seem to have a bunch of unread messages, sometimes I open when busy and think I’ll reply later then forget, sometimes the message just gets pushed so far down I haven’t even seen it. I too see people popping round as such an effort in the fact that I’d have to clean the house, along with try and prep my baby to not have a meltdown when the guests are round. I usually put off replying to some people because I simply just don’t know what to tell them.

Poorboy136 · 15/12/2019 23:22

time*

alwaysmovingforwards · 15/12/2019 23:25

You bought a gift which is very thoughtful, now just post it to your friend and stop making it all about you.

Maybe she finds you a bit of a high maintenance friend, who knows...

Deckthehalls123 · 15/12/2019 23:30

YABU and sound quite angry towards someone you say you’re good friends with.

I’m currently on mat leave and I’m terrible at replying to messages. I try not to be glued on my phone when I’m with my baby, so tend to just do a mass reply to messages in the evenings. Sometimes I prefer to just relax on my evenings though, in which case I can go a long time between replies. I find messaging quite mentally exhausting. I put quite a lot of thought into my replies and would much rather meet someone in person

Angelw · 15/12/2019 23:38

I’m the same as your colleague, read it, most times I tend to forget to reply and receiving too many txts is stressful for me so tend to not bother replying, I eventually do ( after a few hours & sometimes days or even weeks) but It’s never personal just meFlowers

bottlenose301 · 15/12/2019 23:39

I don't think it's rude per se especially if it's out of character. Every new mum is different - I personally had zero energy for up to the first 8 months because my DD refused to sleep properly. The last thing I wanted was visitors. (Family and best friend aside)

Maybe she doesn't know how to say she doesn't want company or maybe she's preoccupied but I think will eventually text. Give her a little longer and see.

It would be nice to have a text back but I'd give her the benefit of the doubt for a bit longer

lisag1969 · 15/12/2019 23:59

May she has post natal depression.

fluffygal · 16/12/2019 00:15

I don't think YABU, and you don't sound pushy. I would give up on the friendship though, it's hard when you are the only one who puts any effort in. It seems to be acceptable to treat others badly these days, no one values friendship anymore.

DangerMouse17 · 16/12/2019 00:23

I often dont eply to messages immediately and sometimes it might even take me a few days. It's not that I mean to be "rude" but I have a life and sometimes crafting a reply needs thought or maybe I need to check my diary and come back with dates etc. Not everyone is glued to their phone either!

Sometimes I wish people had to write letters again to speak to people, rather than people feeling entitled to an immediate response to their questions and demands via phone or whatsapp.

I really wouldn't take it personally OP. There are hundreds of reasons why they may not have replied.

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