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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want friends using our home whilst we’re away

435 replies

Chercando · 13/12/2019 22:33

We live in a tourist area and have for 5yrs. Most of our long standing friends live in the city and in the time we’ve been here we’ve had visitors I can count on 1 hand (and even then because they’ve had business in the area/funerals/other friends or family to see) and this is despite us having 2 babies in this time. Contact has been mainly because we’ve driven 7hrs to see them. My partner has known these friends for over 10yrs and me about 7yrs.
We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away, especially because it’s the place to be for the holidays. They ‘might’ do a night with us at our holiday place but more to make getting the keys ‘easier’. I haven’t spoken to them for 3yrs despite sending messages and my partner’s seen the guy 2 times. They haven’t been in touch at all since they came back from travelling.
He’s said yes to them staying but I feel really uncomfortable with this. This is our family home, they’ll be sleeping in either our bed or our children’s rooms and they also want to have another couple we know around whilst we’re away. There’s been no talk of them all coming to join us for the day (it’s only a 40min drive from our house) and I feel like we’re being used a bit. My partners really upset I’ve compromised at them staying but not using the house to entertain. He thinks this is insulting especially to the other couple who we are actually much closer to. I just don’t want them thinking it’s a free for all and the stress of clearing things away, getting rooms ready, paying utilities whilst we’re away etc. I am quite a private person and it’s really important to me that my home is my sanctuary which I have some control over but my partner doesn’t seem to understand.

OP posts:
memaymamo · 15/12/2019 09:46

@QueenoftheNowhereverse That's worse than my story upthread. Terrible behaviour!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 15/12/2019 09:57

They are such CF! Can’t believe your DH said yes.

Arthritica · 15/12/2019 10:12

In all honesty, I would be totally fine with having people use the house while we’re away. Doubt it would occur to me that DP might object.

But if he did, then yes, I would retract the invitation. Because his feelings are more important than some mates.

fedup21 · 15/12/2019 10:16

@Chercando

What are you going to do? Presumably you’ll let them know asap what you’re decided!

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 15/12/2019 10:44

Not a chance would I be letting them stay. In your bedroom? No, absolutely not. They're taking advantage. You're not running a hotel.

Chercando · 15/12/2019 12:44

Ok so DH won’t budge, they’re staying. He has absolutely no sense of what the issue is - and I am out of patience trying to explain.
Any suggestions for adding to my house rules list I’ll be leaving them?
So far I have: don’t use anything that’s requires electricity because that’s going to cost me money. Hmm
Bring your own bedding
No visitors
Garden could do with weeding
Windows need cleaning
Oven needs a scrub Grin

OP posts:
Chercando · 15/12/2019 12:47

@QueenoftheNowhereverse given your experience, no sex may be on the house list rules!! Makes me feel slightly better they’re not checking in to specifically make babies - I hope?!

OP posts:
fedup21 · 15/12/2019 12:50

Ok so DH won’t budge

He’s valuing people you’ve not seen for 3 years over you? I’d say you’ve got bigger problems than this at stake.

I think you’re mad-I would refuse to go on the holiday and ring them myself.

Chercando · 15/12/2019 12:54

@Popebenedictsp45 seems to be no time limit on making these requests! I thought 3 yr gap was bad.
@ArgumentativeAardvaark we’re Brit’s but here 10yrs + . They’re UK/NZ mix. Definitely some cultural differences but I know plenty of NZers who wouldn’t have a bar of this. I think the CFs think they’re on their gap year like teenagers.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 15/12/2019 13:03

Do fuck all to prepare for them arriving. DH can do every last bit of organisation before, during and after their stay. AND DON'T YOU BUDGE ON THAT!

northernknickers · 15/12/2019 13:06

OP...why are you allowing your DH to overrule you in this? I truly, genuinely don't understand this!

Somanysocks · 15/12/2019 13:13

If your dh won't budge you have to make them change their plans so do as @SweetMarmalade suggests, it's brilliant. (Though you will have to think of something to explain lack of surprise afterwards).

JKScot4 · 15/12/2019 13:15

Your DH won’t budge? Tell him you’re telling them no and he can lump it! It’s your house too not just his!
Cheeky using cunts!!
No excuses just be straight and tell them that they are cheeky fucks and can fuck off to an hotel. 😡😡

mummmy2017 · 15/12/2019 13:20

Call them and cancel.
Tell them they can't stay, and that is final.
Then tell your husband you have done it and your staying home for Xmas.

CallmeAngelina · 15/12/2019 13:25

WTF? He won't budge? Then you need to go bigger and better. How come he gets the final say? It doesn't matter if he "has no sense of" what your issues are. You don't need to justify them. It's your house too and you are saying NO WAY.
I would be downing tools and point blank refusing to go away.

Loopytiles · 15/12/2019 13:28

Yes, he doesn’t get to decide unilaterally: contact the people directly and tell them it doesn’t work for you so won’t be happening.

TheKitchenWitch · 15/12/2019 13:31

Hmm, what's worrying here is that your DH seems to think that he gets the final say in this, when actually it has to be a mutual decision.
Not having people to stay in your house while oyu are away is the NORM, anything that deviates from that needs to be discussed and agreed on.

BemidjiMinnesota · 15/12/2019 13:38

He won't budge?! Wow, it's time to go nuclear @Chercando

  1. You contact them directly and tell them they are not welcome. Use one of the messages from up thread.
  2. Tell your DH that they have been told they are not welcome and if he tries to reinvite them then he'll be the one looking for a new place to live.
  3. Drive back to check on your house while you're on holiday, or get a (trusted!) friend to do so in case your DH has gone behind your back to let them stay there.

You definitely have a DH problem. He's not budging because he thinks you'll cave in, so don't cave in. You said 'no', that's the end. Stick to your guns or he'll be riding roughshod over you in the future.

cstaff · 15/12/2019 13:41

I would be refusing to go on holiday with your husband at this stage. Fuck that. Tbh knowing that these people were staying in my house would have me in a permanent bad mood on holiday so what would be the point.

Your dh needs to realise that this will be the ruination of his own holiday.

MzHz · 15/12/2019 13:48

You have to tell them yourself

Then if h is so bothered about how he looks, it won’t come back on him, it’ll be you that looks the cow... but that doesn’t matter as they’re not your friends or friends at all tbh.

Your h doesn’t get to have the final say on this, if in doubt on something like this, the default is NO, and it doesn’t happen

Take the matter into your own hands and tell them they are not going to stay in your home.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 15/12/2019 13:50

I'm another who says if your DH doesn't budge on rescinding the offer (which didn't read like an offer but more like they were imposing), you're not going to budge either. No holiday, no empty house, nowhere for them to stay.

You need (at this stage must) contact them and say that your DH wasn't aware but you actually have guests of your own house sitting for you and you house will not be unoccupied so they'll have to find alternative accommodation.
No room at the inn!

Christmaspug · 15/12/2019 13:51

Not in a month of Sunday’s would I agree to this

MyMajesty · 15/12/2019 13:54

I would be downing tools and point blank refusing to go away.

Me too.
Don't let him bully you on this.
How much will you enjoy your holiday anyway, thinking of them in your house?

I once let friends stay in my house and everything was fine.

But, in a similar situation to yours I'd be saying No.

Iwishiwasinvisible · 15/12/2019 14:03

No, don't do it, OP. We once had people stay in our house while we were away and she sent 4 or 5 texts a day complaining about stuff, some of them quite rude (she's a lawyer). She was going through her own problems at the time, but still. We are no longer friends because of it!

This whole extra rules thing is ridiculous, passive aggressive. Just say no. It doesn't matter if your DH budges or understands. Both of you need to be okay with it and you're not!

mummmy2017 · 15/12/2019 14:11

Tell him he might as well invite strangers in off the street.
Does he really want to go into the New year arguing over a couple of free loaders.
People who could break all his prize items, and his TV, wreck his house.
That you refuse to have this.
He can rent them a house if they matter more than you, HIS WIFE.

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