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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want friends using our home whilst we’re away

435 replies

Chercando · 13/12/2019 22:33

We live in a tourist area and have for 5yrs. Most of our long standing friends live in the city and in the time we’ve been here we’ve had visitors I can count on 1 hand (and even then because they’ve had business in the area/funerals/other friends or family to see) and this is despite us having 2 babies in this time. Contact has been mainly because we’ve driven 7hrs to see them. My partner has known these friends for over 10yrs and me about 7yrs.
We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away, especially because it’s the place to be for the holidays. They ‘might’ do a night with us at our holiday place but more to make getting the keys ‘easier’. I haven’t spoken to them for 3yrs despite sending messages and my partner’s seen the guy 2 times. They haven’t been in touch at all since they came back from travelling.
He’s said yes to them staying but I feel really uncomfortable with this. This is our family home, they’ll be sleeping in either our bed or our children’s rooms and they also want to have another couple we know around whilst we’re away. There’s been no talk of them all coming to join us for the day (it’s only a 40min drive from our house) and I feel like we’re being used a bit. My partners really upset I’ve compromised at them staying but not using the house to entertain. He thinks this is insulting especially to the other couple who we are actually much closer to. I just don’t want them thinking it’s a free for all and the stress of clearing things away, getting rooms ready, paying utilities whilst we’re away etc. I am quite a private person and it’s really important to me that my home is my sanctuary which I have some control over but my partner doesn’t seem to understand.

OP posts:
Whiskers14 · 15/12/2019 14:29

Since when was your DH the boss of you?????

So, in case he's still reading the thread...

Hey Mr C, your wife doesn't want these so-called friends using her house like a hotel when they haven't bothered to return a single message to her in years and they clearly don't give a shit about either of you. Their feelings are not more important than hers! So stop being an arse and rescind the invitation. Love, Mumsnet

Raindancer411 · 15/12/2019 14:57

It's a shame you cannot change your date of holiday and stay home and cramp their style!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/12/2019 15:06

When you say he won't budge, do you mean he won't tell them they can't stay? If that's the case then you tell them. It might cause trouble with your husband having dull, but then staying is going to cause huge trouble, along with added expense anyway. So what have you got to lose?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/12/2019 15:07

*having a sulk not dull!!

billy1966 · 15/12/2019 15:08

Oh OP, you have much bigger problems than unwanted visitors.

WTF...
He won't budge.
Really.
You are now in deal breaker territory.

Think very hard about exactly what is at stake here.
Because it's a lot more than unwanted visitors.

My holiday would be cancelled.

I would be like a demon.

Your DH has a fundamental lack of respect for you.

Have no doubt about that🙄

kinsss · 15/12/2019 15:09

If DH has made the decision and you are jogging along with it, best to get a good lock for YOUR bedroom door, and put all personal items and valuables in there for the duration. That would be important for me.

Sounds like you just might have a DH problem rather than a freeloader problem though.

Enjoy your break away.

SentimentalKiller · 15/12/2019 15:14

I wouldn't go on holiday. I'd rather stay at home than let someone use my house without being there

Tooner · 15/12/2019 15:19

I too would cancel the holiday. If your husband can just say he's not budging then so can you. Its awful that he considers your feelings and wants about your home not worth shit.

Redshoeblueshoe · 15/12/2019 15:21

I'd cancel my holiday. And text them to say they can't stay

Inertia · 15/12/2019 15:24

I would cancel the holiday over this. DH can go, and you can batten down the hatches at home.

billy1966 · 15/12/2019 15:35

OP, as an older woman, I can tell you this.
You never know in even a really solid relationship, when a deal breaker will crop up.

It can be anything.

Is this for you.

Strangers, who couldn't give a damn about you being allowed to use you and your home, because your husband says so, is an extraordinary situation.

You need to be very calm and very firm.
It is your home and you decide who stays in it.

Maybe your husband/partner is a good man who is a bit confused?

Or he's a bullying prick who lays down the law.
Either way.
You need to be very sure of what you will and won't accept.
These types of situations, change relationships.
Let your partner know that.

IdblowJonSnow · 15/12/2019 15:44

No way.
I'm totally OCD and would hate this.
I have a few friends who I'd trust with my home in my absence but as you've described these twunts, they arent friends!
Put your foot down and tell dh to grow a pair.

81Byerley · 15/12/2019 15:57

I'm afraid I'd either be leaving a few days early and telling him he can get the house ready for HIS friends, or I'd refuse to go away.

81Byerley · 15/12/2019 16:06

When I was with my ex, we invited some relatives to use our house for their honeymoon while we were away. They lived abroad and had just come back for their wedding, so we thought they might prefer staying there to staying with either set of parents. Left a note telling them we'd changed the bed, and telling them where the clean sheets were. Arrived back to dirty dishes, crumbs all over the carpet, and dirty sheets still on the unmade bed. We'd had a seven hour journey with two small children and arrived back after midnight.... I was not best pleased!

Leeds2 · 15/12/2019 16:12

I would tell them myself that the house wasn't available. Or tell OH that I would no longer be going on the holiday as, personally, I couldn't relax and enjoy myself knowing that someone else was in my house.

charm8ed · 15/12/2019 16:27

If prefer to cancel my holiday than let another family stay in my house. The thought of another couple having sex in my bed makes me feel sick.

StoneofDestiny · 15/12/2019 16:29

Wow - no way would I give my DH the sole say on what happens in our house.

On the basis of him taking control unilaterally though, I'd contact them directly and tell them they cannot come - change of plans.

I'd cancel the Holiday, let him go alone, stay at home and make sure they did not come!

I'd take a break later in the year myself - not u dear canvas.

Jaxhog · 15/12/2019 16:42

I would absolutely not under any circumstance let them stay in your house.

Absolutely. Especially not people who you haven't seen in 3 years, are not coming to visit you and not even offering to pay for the privilege of using your house as an Airbnb!!!

It isn't up to your DH to agree this without your consent also. I would phone them and say its off. And take the keys from your DH.

Outrageous!

Sweetpea55 · 15/12/2019 16:51

Hide your alcohol and previous fancy toiletries and leave notes in all the drawers and cupboards saying
'you nosey fuckers' and ' fuck off'
Leave a list saying that you don't expect to find any public hairs in the bed or bath.
All towels should be washed before they leave.
Say the neighbours will be keeping an eye on things.
Say they are free to make use of DHs stuff, after all he invited them

Sweetpea55 · 15/12/2019 16:52

previous
ANY

itsahiiiipoop · 15/12/2019 17:07

Why is it up to DH? If my DH was being such a dick about it I wouldn't want him to stay in the house either.

This is a joint home and therefore a joint decision. He can't go making decisions by himself and then calling you difficult because you have a different opinion on the matter.

Tell him you won't be budging, you don't need to explain any further and that's the end of it.

Message the cheeky fuckers that unfortunately they won't be able to stay at Christmas and hope they have a lovely time. You'd be happy to suggest some nice alternative locations for them to stay etc. These people are basically strangers. Not besties that you regularly keep in touch with!

Piwi1625 · 15/12/2019 17:30

No you are not being unreasonable, in fact they are taking the piss! These people have not been in touch but now only when they need something. Say no! Retract the original offer and feel better.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/12/2019 17:30

Woah.

DH won't budge? That takes it to a whole different problem.

He doesn't get to decide people an stay in your JOINT HOME unless you agree too. Same the other way round.

Call the user fake friends and cancel - that bit's easy, they ain't staying - and use the time to sit your DH down and make clear a few rules of how one stays in a partner ship and respects the other person.

By the way, he's really pathetic isn't he? How TOTALLY embarrassing - they haven't bothered with him for years and then casually tap him for a freeload and he just whimpers oooh yes how high would you like me to jump with fresh towels all ready for your stay. Oh gawd. Does he have friend 'issues'? Does he have any concept of how much they must think he's a total walkover? No wonder they don't bother staying in touch - he's the loser hang-on mate they can use and drop. Show him this post and ask him if he's got even a SHRED of self-respect. Lol at a sniveller like this trying to lay down the law to you. Forget it mate, we all know what a total doormat you are!

Mumtotwo82 · 15/12/2019 17:33

Hope he not treating you as a door mat op

Santasgotaredsackofitch · 15/12/2019 17:36

Bloody free loaders.

Put us foot down. Say no full stop.

Tell your "DH" partner, no I don't like it. They have bothered with us for years, and now SUDDENLY they got the chance of a free stay, ... No sod off.