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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want friends using our home whilst we’re away

435 replies

Chercando · 13/12/2019 22:33

We live in a tourist area and have for 5yrs. Most of our long standing friends live in the city and in the time we’ve been here we’ve had visitors I can count on 1 hand (and even then because they’ve had business in the area/funerals/other friends or family to see) and this is despite us having 2 babies in this time. Contact has been mainly because we’ve driven 7hrs to see them. My partner has known these friends for over 10yrs and me about 7yrs.
We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away, especially because it’s the place to be for the holidays. They ‘might’ do a night with us at our holiday place but more to make getting the keys ‘easier’. I haven’t spoken to them for 3yrs despite sending messages and my partner’s seen the guy 2 times. They haven’t been in touch at all since they came back from travelling.
He’s said yes to them staying but I feel really uncomfortable with this. This is our family home, they’ll be sleeping in either our bed or our children’s rooms and they also want to have another couple we know around whilst we’re away. There’s been no talk of them all coming to join us for the day (it’s only a 40min drive from our house) and I feel like we’re being used a bit. My partners really upset I’ve compromised at them staying but not using the house to entertain. He thinks this is insulting especially to the other couple who we are actually much closer to. I just don’t want them thinking it’s a free for all and the stress of clearing things away, getting rooms ready, paying utilities whilst we’re away etc. I am quite a private person and it’s really important to me that my home is my sanctuary which I have some control over but my partner doesn’t seem to understand.

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 14/12/2019 09:32

I think your partner has been bounced into this by these people who prob go round sponging off people's kindness and are v good at trapping people into letting them stay

This! You've said they've been staying with various friends. They have a brass neck, and people with brass necks usually aren't too upset by people saying no to them because they simply move on to the next person to sponge off!!.

Just say no. If your husband can't do it, do it yourself.

ellendegeneres · 14/12/2019 09:33

My message to them would be along the lines of

Hi cf, seems to have been some kind of mix up, dh hadn’t discussed with me having anyone stay in our home when we are not there and I’m not comfortable with it at all so you’ll have to make alternative arrangements.
Given we’ve tried to keep in touch over the years and you’ve not been interested at all I’m surprised you think it’s appropriate to go and stay in the home of someone you’ve shown little to no interest in to be honest, it feels extremely off.
Anyway have a nice Christmas wherever you wind up

scubadive · 14/12/2019 09:37

They’re driving 7 hours there but no mention of a 40 min drive to meet you whilst they are there.

This is completely unacceptable, I think I would write to them all and explain how you feel. It seems like they just want your house for a free holiday.

UnRavellingFast · 14/12/2019 09:37

Living in a popular spot you will get this all the time. Learning to say no is important- for your DH!!! He has been disloyal and disrespectful. This is not an exaggeration. And now to blame you and stick to his unilateral decision- it’s so wrong within a rs. My exH did this once- invited friend to live with us for 9 months without consulting me. He is an ex for other reasons but this was symptomatic of his disregard for me.

BloggersBlog · 14/12/2019 09:41

So MrChercando, with a 99% answer that your wife is NOT being unreasonable - what are you going to do to sort out the situation you have allowed??

messolini9 · 14/12/2019 10:07

I'm with you @mathanxiety on the boat-burning, 'cos with this pair - who cares? Burn the bridges while you're at it OP, raise the drawbridge & lower the portcullis!

@SleepWarrior, GENIUS Grin

HuggedTheRedwoods · 14/12/2019 10:11

It would be an absolutely not from me too. You've had practically no contact in years so it doesn't really matter if they take offence at being told no does it?

Your partner is being very unfair on you - is it really worth the stress of getting the house ready for them (and goodness knows who else they could invite in), plus wondering what is going on at home while you should be relaxing on your own holiday and the risk of coming back to a tip or damaged house? If there are problems with the house on your return that could also cause longer term issues and resentments between you and your partner.

whonoes · 14/12/2019 10:13

It would be a big fat no from me. It’s non negotiable. I’d be getting my partner to message “sorry. My bad. You can’t stay in our house over the holidays. My partner has arranged for workmen to come in to get essential work done. Hope you can find somewhere else” don’t explain further and no more conversation about it. Then tell him he needs to check with you first in the future.

Howyiz · 14/12/2019 10:15

They have no interest in visiting while you are there, but really want to come when you are away? Really?

DingDongDenny · 14/12/2019 10:29

I would be really sad that my so called friends couldn't be bothered to make the trip to visit me, but both couples are perfectly happy to visit when I wasn't there.

And that's what I'd tell them

CakeandCustard28 · 14/12/2019 10:35

No way would I agree to that. They’re basically strangers if you’ve barely seen them in years.

brassbrass · 14/12/2019 10:54

They make no effort with you generally. They aren't even schmoozing you for this visit they just want the house without you in it. This makes them cheeky fucking users.

No way would I be facilitating it.

dontcallmeduck · 14/12/2019 10:59

No way! I would not be happy with my DH at all for agreeing to this. You haven’t seen them in years and they’ve made no effort. I don’t think I’d like some family members I see regularly staying in our home without us. It’ll just add to your stress. Say no.

ZenNudist · 14/12/2019 11:03

Say no!

8misskitty8 · 14/12/2019 11:22

Hardly any contact in years and they don’t reply to your messages ? These people are basically strangers to you.
You don’t know if they are the type of person to go through private papers/drawers or shag in your bed.

Would your DH let people he says hello to in the street stay at your house ? No he wouldn’t even though he has more contact with those people than these ‘friends’

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 14/12/2019 11:34

You're husband is being too nice, surely he can see the 'friends' have no interest in you just your house. Did they offer rent at all? Are they going to supply all food and drinks? Theres so much detail being skimmed over. If there was absolutely no way out of this I'd be fitting a bolt to your bedroom door and putting in there all personal belongings your treasure and private paperwork. Then I would leave the cupboards bare and fridge empty. They're using you and don't deserve to be hosted in any way. Think of it as a self catering holiday for them. Leave a list of rules specifying in what condition it needs to be left and the location of all cleaning materials. Leave them 1 toilet roll. Ask for a damage deposit! I'd make it so bloody obvious you don't regard it a friends thing and more a business transaction. Monumental cheeky fuckers of the highest order

fedup21 · 14/12/2019 11:35

We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away,

Have they been freeloading off other people for months??

Hedgehogparty · 14/12/2019 11:55

Users rather than friends.....
No way would I let them stay!

ElsieMc · 14/12/2019 12:19

No chance op. I have allowed close family even to do this twice. And twice it was a big mistake. First time, brother. I simply couldn't understand how on our return he had managed to break the blind in the kitchen and pull the curtains down. He was pretty casual about it and the work/cost to us. As though it was a privilege to accommodate him. I should have known as he had form such as asking me to drive 1.5 hours to a station to collect him when he could get off five mins away.

Worst was late teens dd who did not want to come on holiday with us. She was allowed to remain so long as no friends stayed and she watered the plants. Came back to dead hanging baskets. the door bell had been wrenched off (just what...) no bedding on the beds and deep gouges in the wooden floor. She steadfastly refused to admit it had anything at all to do with her.

These were people who were close and trusted. These people do not give a damn about you. They are greedy entitled fuckers. Your dh needs to sort himself out. Are these randoms more important than you. Ask him this.

KarmaStar · 14/12/2019 14:14

You have a 99% Yanbu op,I'd say that's excellent confirmation that you should tell them very clearly they are not staying in your home.
Let us know how they,if they,respond.

Mumtotwo82 · 14/12/2019 14:51

I can't believe he said you were 'difficult' he is the difficult one. Why do you need a house sitter are you going away for long? I never had a house sitter, my mil just watered my plants a few times I was away for 3 months I just put my house alarm on and a light timer at night. If they were good friends I may agree..but they are not clearly and you husband is being unfair trying to guilt you into it. Tell them USERS no way!

ILearnedItFromABook · 14/12/2019 14:58

No, I wouldn't like that, either. It would make me very uncomfortable to have anyone but the closest family stay in my home when we weren't there.

Why can't they meet at the other couple's home or at a restaurant? They're very lucky if you agree to let them stay, themselves, but asking to "entertain" at your home while you're away is a step too far.

Honeybee85 · 14/12/2019 15:00

Ohh how terrible for those cheeky fuckers that a few days before their arrival you have discovered bedbugs/cockroaches in your home...and pest control will come around the day before Christmas but unfortunately nobody is allowed to be in the house for a few days as they have used strong chemical repellents.

Or

Or your best friend (that they didn’t meet in all those years they were absent!) has decided to take a break from her DH and really needs a place to stay where she can be alone. Ofcourse she has priority over everyone else so unfortunately she will be in your house so they can’t stay.

Have your DH deliver them the message and tell him firmly to never invite those cheeky fuckers again in your home, regardless of if you’re home or not.

carly2803 · 14/12/2019 15:12

absolutely not!!! cheeky f*uckers!!!

HouseworkAvoider10 · 14/12/2019 15:21

Cheeky bastards.
Stand your ground.
tell them to jog on.

Your DH is being a twat too.