Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want friends using our home whilst we’re away

435 replies

Chercando · 13/12/2019 22:33

We live in a tourist area and have for 5yrs. Most of our long standing friends live in the city and in the time we’ve been here we’ve had visitors I can count on 1 hand (and even then because they’ve had business in the area/funerals/other friends or family to see) and this is despite us having 2 babies in this time. Contact has been mainly because we’ve driven 7hrs to see them. My partner has known these friends for over 10yrs and me about 7yrs.
We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away, especially because it’s the place to be for the holidays. They ‘might’ do a night with us at our holiday place but more to make getting the keys ‘easier’. I haven’t spoken to them for 3yrs despite sending messages and my partner’s seen the guy 2 times. They haven’t been in touch at all since they came back from travelling.
He’s said yes to them staying but I feel really uncomfortable with this. This is our family home, they’ll be sleeping in either our bed or our children’s rooms and they also want to have another couple we know around whilst we’re away. There’s been no talk of them all coming to join us for the day (it’s only a 40min drive from our house) and I feel like we’re being used a bit. My partners really upset I’ve compromised at them staying but not using the house to entertain. He thinks this is insulting especially to the other couple who we are actually much closer to. I just don’t want them thinking it’s a free for all and the stress of clearing things away, getting rooms ready, paying utilities whilst we’re away etc. I am quite a private person and it’s really important to me that my home is my sanctuary which I have some control over but my partner doesn’t seem to understand.

OP posts:
Straycats · 15/12/2019 18:42

Nuxe 1984, love what you wrote but I’d go a few steps more.
For a week beforehand NO
HOUSEWORK
Don’t clean the kitchen, hob etc
Don’t vacuum
Leave sheets on
Towels unwashed
Definitely DO NOT clean toilet bowls, let the turds run free.
If hubby wants to clean all this beforehand let him.

whostoletheeyeoutyourteddybear · 15/12/2019 18:49

I live in a national park and tourist town and even my closest friends who I see regularly wouldn't ask to stay if I'm not gonna be home. Say no. Tell your husband that these people are onky just acquaintances and clearly after a free stay. Tbh they sound like utter cheeky buggers. I mean, who would even have the brass neck to ask such a thing!! Send them my way and I'll happily tell them why they can't stay!!

BenjiB · 15/12/2019 18:50

Absolutely no way. I’d never let anyone else sleep in my bed, not even family. I think they’re taking the piss.

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 15/12/2019 18:53

OP we are also in NZ (NZ/European marriage here) and this would never ever happen in our household. We have a couple of genuine friends who genuinely house sit occasionally for us, my besties fly in from overseas and of course they stay, friends and family stay, but sponging chancers like this - no way. If somehow these people do end up staying, def don't do any cleaning/prepping of the house. Tell H that is his job and if it doesn't get done don't fret about it. (Have you checked the long range modelling yet? I did yesterday, looks like sunshiney days for our part of the country; hoping so for your beach area too :) )

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 15/12/2019 18:56

Just realised I forgot to say that besties/family/friends stay when we are home, no one except our genuine house sitting friends stay in the house when we're not there.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 15/12/2019 18:56

Hey Mr C, your wife doesn't want these so-called friends using her house like a hotel when they haven't bothered to return a single message to her in years and they clearly don't give a shit about either of you. Their feelings are not more important than hers! So stop being an arse and rescind the invitation. Love, Mumsnet

Hey, Mr C, I agree with this.

These people are not friends, and don't give a flying fuck about you, they are only interested in the house.

Long after they have gone, you will be living day to day with your wife. The wife you are upsetting.

If you actually value your marriage, you need to LISTEN to your wife, and understand that she has EVERY right not to have people staying in your JOINT house when she isn't there.

Marriage is meant to be a partnership, and things like this are meant to be discussed, not unilaterally decided. If you don't cancel, you run the risk of this affecting your marriage eventually. And this is not a joke.

youcanonlydraftthefuture · 15/12/2019 18:58

No, how can you be sure they'd keep it as clean as you'd like?

People's mess and germs give me the creeps

payens · 15/12/2019 19:02

They are users - just say NO

Kelmia · 15/12/2019 19:03

Shoe on other foot!!!!! Doubt it somehow tell them to do one and make it another 10 or 20 years before you see them and hopefully you will have moved by then and let's see what happens when they knock on the door then asking to stay would love to be the fly on the wall to see their faces when that door opens lol. In a nutshell tell them simply NO NO NO

mumoftinyterrors · 15/12/2019 19:09

Absolutely not! Tell them to fuck off! Pisstakers

di2004 · 15/12/2019 19:11

The answer is a big fat NO! Tell them to book an Airbnb x

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 15/12/2019 19:14

My experience in this area is fairly extreme, but it makes me very wary of guests. Make sure they really have somewhere to go after they stay at your house. What would you do if they refused to leave? My BIL did this to my husband and MIL, and he ended up getting a free house just to make him and his family go the fuck away (they have been moaning ever since that they didn't get the bigger house!). Obviously that won't happen here, but if these people have no fixed home then you have absolutely no guarantee that they will actually leave when they are supposed to.

I agree with pp's who say that they wouldn't be going away. I really hate making phone calls, but for this I would phone them and tell them that they couldn't come. I wouldn't go away even then, partly because your husband doesn't seem to support you and may well tell them to ignore you, and also because I would be too angry to enjoy a holiday.

Esspee · 15/12/2019 19:14

I agreed for OH's daughter and family to stay for a couple of days while we were in California during the winter. They fired up the heating (no problem there) but didn't turn it down when they left.
Thankfully we can operate our thermostat remotely (theoretically) but Hive chose just then to introduce a fault.
For 3 weeks in deepest winter our house was a very cosy 22C.....DAY AND NIGHT!!!!!!!!
Every day I tried to turn the bloody thing down. I emailed Hive. I fretted about it when I should have been enjoying the sunshine. It ruined our holiday.
Please OP, don't let your husband override your wishes.

FelicisNox · 15/12/2019 19:18

I agree with everyone else; it's your house and if you're not comfortable don't do it.

Your DH also needs to check himself: this should have been a joint decision and he has zero right to pissed off about anything. The only person in the wrong right now is him.

You're right. These people are free loading and are not your "friends" but acquaintances as decided by themselves years ago.

Your DH needs to grow up and stop showing off to his crappy friends because that's what this is about and he can start by cleaning the house and prepping for their arrival: his decision, his job.

MrsAJ27 · 15/12/2019 19:19

I would be considering my DH's judgement this is not acceptable on any level.

I would also rather cancel my holiday than let the cheeky tickets stay in my house.

Bluetrews25 · 15/12/2019 19:20

Can you suggest to DH that you cancel the holiday and stay at home with your guests as you'd like to see them after all this time? This may be the best compromise where you and DH will both be happy.
If they decline to stay WITH you, then that is very telling. But it would be worth the suggestion to them.

ISmellBabies · 15/12/2019 19:23

Op, you and I have had more recent and meaningful contact than those CFs, tell dh I'm staying instead!
I can't believe you don't get a veto on who uses your house, I wouldn't go away!
Can you agree to lend a "shared" possession (like his laptop or xbox) to a friend for a couple of nights, ignoring all his protests and completely disregarding how he feels about it, to show him what this feels like. If they lose or break the expensive item, you can just shrug and say "at least we didn't lend them the house"!

theWarOnPeace · 15/12/2019 19:31

Holiday cocklodgers?

Exactly this.

ddl1 · 15/12/2019 19:33

No. It is completely up to you whether to allow them or anyone
to use your home, and your partner shouldn't be putting a guilt trip on you about it. It's one thing in an emergency, but wanting to see some tourist attractions without paying for accommodation is not an emergency.

SpamCat · 15/12/2019 19:33

Tell them that you had already booked it out though air bnb but you OH didn't realise.

mrshousty · 15/12/2019 19:34

I would say yes and no to original question. Yanbu to not want them to stay. It is your house and your choice. You set the rules. Stick by them and it is a little cheeky to ask in the first place. However, I would use it your advantage, you'll be safe in the knowledge that your home is being looked after while you're away and less likely to be burgled and when they do settle wherever make sure they know that you will want to use their house someday - even if you have no intention to do so x

RedandYellowSunrise · 15/12/2019 19:40

When I voted 1919 people had already and only 1% said you were unreasonable and I think they had fat fingers.

yesteaandawineplease · 15/12/2019 19:43

ok you're dh is bullying you - making you do.something you don't want to. personally I'd refuse to go on the holiday and/or tell the cfs yourself they can't come.

HollowTalk · 15/12/2019 19:53

I think if one of you doesn't want guests staying while you're away then you shouldn't have them. I don't think he has the right to tell someone they can live in your home when you don't want them to.

So I would message them saying, "I know DH doesn't mind you staying, but I'm afraid I do. I haven't even had a response to my messages for the last three years and I don't want anyone I'm not friends with staying in my house when I'm away. Hope you find a B&B somewhere nice."

HyacynthBucket · 15/12/2019 19:54

Just say no. Be bad cop to your husband's good cop if necessary - what does it matter? Just tell them that you cannot accommodate them. No explanations needed. I would not do what was suggested above - let them come but leave it all to him to arrange in the house - because it won't get done, and it would be even worse for you then. I really feel for you. Do not let it happen.

Swipe left for the next trending thread