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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want friends using our home whilst we’re away

435 replies

Chercando · 13/12/2019 22:33

We live in a tourist area and have for 5yrs. Most of our long standing friends live in the city and in the time we’ve been here we’ve had visitors I can count on 1 hand (and even then because they’ve had business in the area/funerals/other friends or family to see) and this is despite us having 2 babies in this time. Contact has been mainly because we’ve driven 7hrs to see them. My partner has known these friends for over 10yrs and me about 7yrs.
We’re going away over Xmas and a couple from the group heard about this. They are currently travelling around the country deciding where to settle and have just come back from 5mths travelling overseas too. They’ve had a few months of staying with members of the friends group in the city and want to stay in our house whilst we’re away, especially because it’s the place to be for the holidays. They ‘might’ do a night with us at our holiday place but more to make getting the keys ‘easier’. I haven’t spoken to them for 3yrs despite sending messages and my partner’s seen the guy 2 times. They haven’t been in touch at all since they came back from travelling.
He’s said yes to them staying but I feel really uncomfortable with this. This is our family home, they’ll be sleeping in either our bed or our children’s rooms and they also want to have another couple we know around whilst we’re away. There’s been no talk of them all coming to join us for the day (it’s only a 40min drive from our house) and I feel like we’re being used a bit. My partners really upset I’ve compromised at them staying but not using the house to entertain. He thinks this is insulting especially to the other couple who we are actually much closer to. I just don’t want them thinking it’s a free for all and the stress of clearing things away, getting rooms ready, paying utilities whilst we’re away etc. I am quite a private person and it’s really important to me that my home is my sanctuary which I have some control over but my partner doesn’t seem to understand.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 15/12/2019 17:38

He's trying his best to treat OP like a doormat.

Sadly he's so much of an obsequious pathetic one himself that it just adds another layer of grim to the whole thing.

OP, you call them, you cancel, you tell them exactly why. Then tell the little lap-dog what you've done.

Ilovesunshine22 · 15/12/2019 17:39

Hell no! This would not be ok with me either. This would make me feel very uncomfortable. I think you should kindly tell them they can not stay. You are quite clearly being used! Good luck and stay strong!

EmbarrassedMum1 · 15/12/2019 17:40

Nope not a chance in hell would I allow that. When I read the title I assumed they were close friends that were having some work done on their home not people you've not spoken to in 3 years using your home over the holidays.

I'd message them and tell them there'd been a mix up and DH was mistaken telling them they could use your home and it's not going to be possible but you'd still like to meet up some time as suggested.

You'll be stressed out over Christmas and it could ruin your Christmas worrying about it.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 15/12/2019 17:48

OMG NO!!!

I wouldn't let anybody other than certain family members stay in my home when I was away, let alone some family who are basically 'strangers'.

Jack80 · 15/12/2019 17:48

I would like and say your parents or siblings are staying at your house and your husband got the dates mixed up sorry.

Shell4429 · 15/12/2019 17:49

Over the years I have ditched many friends because they always have an agenda. I came to realise that almost all people use you in one way or another. I have one good friend who I have known twenty plus years and we are proper friends with no demands or ulterior motives, just like each other’s company. It’s a hard lesson in life but it’s a sad reality.

Happygirl79 · 15/12/2019 17:50

Stand your ground
They are not close friends or they would be kept in touch
They sound like users not friends

saraclara · 15/12/2019 17:51

I hope he's going to be doing all the preparation for their stay.

WanderingBar · 15/12/2019 17:53

Your DH won't budge, so you've got to deal with it. What if you wouldn't budge?

I don't understand why his not budging trumps yours!

bellocchild · 15/12/2019 17:53

You could say your plans to go away have fallen through as an excuse.

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 15/12/2019 17:57

Just ring them yourself and cancel. Then your DH can just sulk or if he attempts to over ride you it will just make the 'friends' uncomfortable and then they cancel. Win win Grin

If your husband picks these so called friends over you hes not much of a husband

Motoko · 15/12/2019 18:00

Ok so DH won’t budge

Er, if he wants to unilaterally decide who stays in his home, he shouldn't have got married. But he did, so now he has to discuss these things with you, and if you say no, then it's that decision that holds.

OP, is he a bully? Are you in an abusive relationship, so have to go along with whatever he says? Because if you're not, then you do not have to allow this. Contact these people and tell them no. It's very simple.

And then, you and he need to have a good long talk, possibly marriage guidance counselling, because he has no respect for you. He cares more about these "friends" than he cares about you. This could be a make or break situation, and I don't think you understand the gravity of what it means, going by your lighthearted replies. This is serious, and it's time to stop with the jokes, and get angry.

Bugbabe1970 · 15/12/2019 18:03

Fuck that!

Gmom · 15/12/2019 18:03

We love having people in our house while we’re away because we think we’re more likely to get burgled if the house is empty. We once let old university friends that we talk to once a year or even less have our place over Christmas because they said they were coming to town and we were going to be away. We saw it as them doing us a favour by making the house look used. Even though we rarely see them or speak to them because of distance and busy lives we do really like them. I think the real problem is that you don’t really like these people. If you did like them you’d want to be nice to them and let them stay even if your home is your sanctuary. The good news is once you ring them and reneg on your husband’s offer for them to stay they won’t like you guys either. It might make it awkward for your friend group but chances are you won’t have to see each other again.

nuxe1984 · 15/12/2019 18:07

Wow! Not sure what to say as I agree with everyone else.

Guess it depends on how much you can stand up to your husband cos I would tell him that you are 100% NOT comfortable with these strangers staying in your house with you not there. And they are strangers - you have no idea what their habits are like - how clean/dirty they are, etc. What if they leave the place a mess? Who's going to be responsible for cleaning it up? Paying for any damages, etc?

I guess you have 3 options:

  1. If DH won't back down then refuse to go on holiday and leave your house empty for these people to take it over.
  2. Contact them and tell them yourself that you don't want them in your home alone.
  3. If you can't do either of the above then leave a list of rules:
* Clear the cupboards of food (ie: coffee, jam, etc) and tell these "friends" that they'll have to buy everything they need as the cupboards and fridge will be empty. * Tell them to bring their own towels & bedding (and make sure you have none in the house - give them to friends to look after if necessary). * Tell them they need to clean the house including the kitchen and bathroom before they leave - and that if it's not cleaned you'll be getting in a cleaner to do it and charging them. * tell them you have taken photos of all the areas so if they damage anything, mark the walls, etc. you will have evidence that it wasn't like that before their visit and will be looking for them to financially make good any repairs. * Tell them no visitors. * Shoes off in the house. * Don't leave them any toilet paper - they'll have to buy it. * Strip all the beds before you go. * Close up any rooms you don'T want them to use and put tape across the doors. And tell them that these rooms are out of bounds.

If you DH doesn't like any of this then tell him tough, it was his decision to let them stay in your house so it's your decision as to what they're allowed to do in it!

The embarrassment of him having to tell his so-called friends all this may make him change his mind about them staying … (we can always hope!).

ifIwerenotanandroid · 15/12/2019 18:12

Has anyone suggested charging them? Don't go through DH or tell him; just contact them yourself & charge what the best local hotel would charge over the Christmas break - or more. Get the money in advance, non-refundable.

And still don't leave any food.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 15/12/2019 18:13

Or change the locks secretly, & watch with glee as DH hands them the old keys.

Villagegreenpreservation · 15/12/2019 18:14

No no no
Why won’t he budge? There’s no shame in saying he checked with you and the house isn’t available. No explaining needed cheeky fuckers doesn’t come close to how mad I’d be

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 15/12/2019 18:14

OP if you rollover and cave in over this issue then you are a fool. How do you respect your husband? Is he normally like this? Or is he normally weak and just like this with you? No way would this happen in my home.

SarahNade · 15/12/2019 18:21

He won't budge? Oh yes he will! Tell him you are staying home and won't be going on holiday. He, can do whatever the hell he wants. But you're now staying home.

Alternately, get their contact details, and call them yourself and tell them their visit is off.

He WILL budge, if you leave him no choice. The question is, will you just cave in to him and accept it your dignity and privacy being violated, or will you stand your ground, and say since you are no longer going away, the house won't be free for guests? Don't accept it! Fight for your rights, for your own home, your dignity and privacy. You're a mug if you just give in.

SquishyLint · 15/12/2019 18:22

Sod that. Absolutely not. CF’s.

sophe · 15/12/2019 18:25

How did you get sucked into this?

That aside, tell them it breaches your insurance and you cannot take that risk. (actually, it probably does).

Sorreeee.

AfterSchoolWorry · 15/12/2019 18:26

I'd change the locks just before you leave. I wouldn't mention it to your dope husband.

Span1elsRock · 15/12/2019 18:36

Why are you being such a doormat over this OP?

There is no way on earth DH or I would agree to this if the other wasn't in complete agreement.

He's doing something you're very unhappy about. That's not good for any marriage.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 15/12/2019 18:42

Or steal DH's house keys so he has nothing to hand over to the CFs.