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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to share windfall with siblings?

115 replies

StartupRepair · 13/12/2019 20:20

DH rather than me. In his teens, in the 70s, his great aunt gave him something that had belonged to her grandfather. I'm being vague but it is specific, like a particular stamp. I've just googled its value and it could be tens of thousands or more.
DH is keen to sell it if possible.
I'm wondering if it does turn out to be very high value, if we should share the proceeds with his siblings?
Irrelevant but they are both in a stronger financial position than we are. No one is struggling but they are in a different league.

OP posts:
BlouseAndSkirt · 15/12/2019 12:56

A significant historical heirloom is surely an item for family members to have custody of, rather than ownership?

Why didn’t the aunt sell the item and distribute the cash herself, do you think?

mrscampbellblackagain · 15/12/2019 13:01

I think your DH should mention he is thinking of selling said item as presumably you need/would rather have the cash.

They sound very nice (giving away a diamond ring nice) so maybe they will tell your DH to keep the money if your need is greater.

sycamore54321 · 15/12/2019 13:23

Before the drip feed, I would say your options realistically are to keep it entirely private or to offer to split it equally. This is because as soon as you get into compromises like sell for £10k, give two siblings £1k each, then you open a way for them to feel entitled to a portion. And logically there is no objective reason for why they have £1k and not £2k or £500 or whatever. (I’m also assuming there aren’t a huge number of siblings). But once you offer any, the only way to guarantee no resentments is to offer a full and equal share. It’s horrible but it’s human nature, particularly if slightly more distant folk are involved like the spouses of the siblings. So either offer exact portion each or say nothing.

Having said that, if it’s value comes from being connected with a famous ancestor, could you actually keep it a secret? Or will they see a newspaper headline about how Famous great-uncle’s War Medal was sold at auction for £££? In which case you’re really in trouble!

But the lovely gift of the engagement ring from the sister suggests to me that whatever about the general and theoretical rights and wrongs, in this instance, it would be best to be upfront. Tell everyone you’ve realized it is worth a lot,you propose to sell it and share it out, or one of them could offer to buy out others if they’d like to keep it in family.

Given what you’ve said, it’s possible the siblings would decline or reduce the money they could take.

And I’m definitely not one of those people who think families should be financially in each other’s pockets with automatic entitlement to loans etc. But with the history of generosity here, it would be good to reciprocate and be open.

Tosh6 · 15/12/2019 17:05

It was give to him, so I would see it and say nothing.

Marleyisme · 15/12/2019 17:15

Given the background, with the ring, yes I would split it.

Also given its links to their relative, selling it could attract attention. So theres a chance they could find out he sold ut.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/12/2019 17:21

Irrelevant but they are both in a stronger financial position than we are. No one is struggling but they are in a different league.

Not irrelevant though, not at all.

If they're in a different financial league, they've obviously made various decisions in the past to not include you in whatever good fortune they've had. Do they think 'Yes but we earn so much more, we really should offer to make a cash present to Bro and Startup'? If they've lucked out in the housing market, have they ever put some money your way, for example?

Old diamond rings may be very lovely but aren't generally worth a huge amount of money, bar the odd flawless diamond...

So I'd answer this first - have they honestly honestly got to their own financial positions by their earned salaries and hard work and nothing else, or have there been legacies from spouse's side, house price luck, etc, which have contributed to their wealth? It's almost certainly also an element of the latter. In which case, this is your fortunate moment instead.

Collision · 15/12/2019 17:30

I would sell and give £500 each to the siblings.

How much do you think it’s worth?

KurriKurri · 15/12/2019 18:29

I think if something is of interest to family members because it is connected with family history, then you should ask the others if they are interested in it (I mena at least offer themt he chance to buy it off DH if they want to keep it in the family) But actually since your update about the ring then I would defiitely share - but entirely your DH's decision.
Personally if I had a 'windfall' I would share it with my sister without question - I'd get a lot of pleasure form her being able to share in my good luck. (Unlikely to happen though - I rarely even win a raffle)

StartupRepair · 15/12/2019 20:09

Sorry to drip feed about the ring. It was 22 years ago and didn't seem like a huge deal to his sister at the time. DH said to her that we were talking about getting married and she said ' if you want to give her a ring I've got a couple of old ones from our Great Aunt. Grab one of them.' It was as casual as that. I love the ring and am very grateful to s-i-l for her generosity but in her mind it was not something of monetary value, more something she wasn't planning to wear herself. I did have the ring valued for insurance and it was worth a couple of thousand 20 years ago. I have no intention of selling it.
I will make some calls this week as DH has asked me to and get an idea of the value of his item.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/12/2019 20:14

Do your SIL have DC if so perhaps you could invest some of the money on their behalf or buy something - so not a direct split of the money but a way of paying it forward even if it's something like 50 premium bonds each?

I agree the secrecy could cause upset, hurt, toxicity etc.

Keepmewarm · 15/12/2019 20:25

I would tell them that he’s considering selling it. They may want to keep it to remember the family member by.

Keepmewarm · 15/12/2019 20:25

My last post made no sense

Redda · 15/12/2019 20:31

Get the true valuation first and take it from there, prices on the internet vary or be inflated so much - I've Messaged you @StartupRepair

Oblomov19 · 15/12/2019 20:41

Like a penny black? Definitely not. She gave it to your Dh.

AlorMy · 15/12/2019 21:17

Up to your dh entirely.

Sounds like his sisters are lovely and aren’t material eg the ring.

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