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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Planning to be childfree... but feel very judged!

107 replies

C1239 · 12/12/2019 10:41

I’ve never really seen myself having biological children, can’t really explain it just have felt it’s not in my life plan but thought children could be involved in my life somehow.
I’m now 35, been in a relationship for 5 years and am stepmum to my partners two sons under 10. I enjoy it, I’m lucky to have a fantastic relationship with the boys which I think was helped my meeting them when they were so young. There have definitely been challenging times and it’s been a real eye opener into how tough parenting is. But I feel happy with my situation, I love seeing the boys and the family time we have but I also love the time just me and my partner have.
Since I’ve reached mid 30s though the pressure to have my ‘own’ children seems to be massive, from parents, random comments from work colleagues, some friends , all saying it’s completely different with your own, you will regret this when you are older, what do you mean you don’t want your own children you are an amazing stepmum...!
Throughout my 20s I was able to laugh comments off but sometimes now I really feel the pressure and even question myself that I’m making the right decision even though I’m sure my gut feeling is being a biological mum isn’t for me.
Has anyone else experienced the same? Any advise? Are all these people right and I am making a massive mistake?!

OP posts:

Branster · 12/12/2019 13:03

Just ignore all these comments, it’s nobody's business if you have your own children or not apart from yours, it’s your body and your future.
Hand on heart I never dreamt of having children and never felt the need to. Would have been perfectly happy not to have any. I did though because my DH was open to this idea and I knew he’d be great family man, yes there is a degree of risk but I was lucky we remained a good unit through and through.
Everything was planned and I was lucky to fall into the role of mother very naturally and not to have to deal with unforeseen health or financial security issues. Had I thought DH was not good enough parenting material I would not have had children and doubt I would have regretted.
Although I had an easy time being pregnant and found motherhood very enjoyable and rewarding, it’s not something I ever craved, I have zero feelings towards other babies, never felt broody, none of those feelings which are supposed to be natural to women.
If you don’t want to get pregnant and have your own children, don’t do it and don’t feel pressurised from society or family.
As an aside, all my friends who never had children have aged significantly better than mothers of younger or similar age (must be the stress). Clearly visible in the over 45s and beyond. There’s a lot to be said for that - speaking as a vain woman here, shallow as that might sound.

Mummytoonlychild · 12/12/2019 13:04

Simply put do you want biological children? If it's a no it would be a mistake to have them to please others if it's a yes I would be a mistake not to try

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 12/12/2019 13:07

I am still waiting for the opportunity to give this reply when questioned on my personal life choices :

Them: Why didn't you have children?
Me: Just lucky I guess!

Original poster

C1239 · 12/12/2019 13:18

Thank you everyone for all of your replies, some great advice. I hate making decisions, and am quite a sensitive person so I think even though my gut tells me I know having biological children isn’t for me I sometimes feel overwhelmed at what a big decision it is if that makes sense.

OP posts:

lynsey91 · 12/12/2019 13:27

@BuzzShitbagBobbly that's a great reply.

GabsAlot · 12/12/2019 13:30

I always say i can do what i want when i want and then all these people with children start envying me-it doesnt happen alot anymore ive never felt maternal-my dh has children and theyre adults now and never lived with us so i didnt really experience sc either

winechica · 12/12/2019 13:31

OP, I am childfree too and older than you.

Whether you will regret it or not, only you can answer better. There are some women who don't, some do.

I think it depends on other factors too. Like if you have a large set of family and friends. E.g. you could be a woman with siblings who have kids and have good relationship with them.

lynsey91 · 12/12/2019 13:33

I don't really agree that it's almost only women that comment. Some of the nastiest comments made to me were by men.

One asked why I had bothered to get married if I didn't want children, another told me I was not normal and another told me I wasn't a real woman!

GabsAlot · 12/12/2019 13:33

Oh and dont do it for other people worst thing you can do

Hepsibar · 12/12/2019 13:34

Be yourself, nothing worse than an unwanted child ... you just have to see all the children who have no life chances due to their reckless parents or the ones in the news who have abused or neglected their children.

nononever · 12/12/2019 13:38

It's your choice and your happy with that, people can be so negative, nasty and interfering. Similarly, once you have had a child you get the 'when you having another one', very irritating.

slashlover · 12/12/2019 13:39

I'm 41 and childfree. The thing is that
if you have no kids then you can be judged
if you have one then you're judged for having an only child
if you have two girls/boys then don't you want a boy/girl?
if you have three or more then you're destroying the planet

You can't win really so do what suits you.

angell84 · 12/12/2019 13:43

At the end of your life will you look back and hink,

"Yes I am so happy that I made my decision to have children , totally based on what a co-worker told me was right for me. A co - worker that I knew for two years".

Why would you let anyone else - push you into doing anything?

angell84 · 12/12/2019 13:46

I have to say - I especially would not listen to other women, when I am deciding what to do in my own life.

I was reading a book by a Saudi Arabian woman - and she said that the older women would often push the younger women into doing things that they didn't want to do. Precisely because the older women had suffered.

It was very much the mentality of "I have suffered from being a eoman, I had to do all these things, so I want to make the next generation of women suffer too".

I see that in the Western world too. How many of these women want you to have children because they genuinely care about you.

How many of these women want you to have children, because they are jealous of your childfree life, and feel stuck themselves?

contentedsoul · 12/12/2019 13:51

We intended to be childfree, accident changed that!
We wouldn't have it any other way now OP - we both love our life....

BUT....I am terrified of what my son will confront in his life.
Massive debts, Violence and by far the most worrying is the climate change. I read articles that said those born in the next decade will more than likely live to see the planet die!! absolutely terrifying!!
The yanks don't give a shit - and the Chinese are burning fossil fuels at unprecedented levels. Fires threatening Sydney.....

Clearly a bad omen is about to come true...Given the choice now We wouldn't have kids.

YouJustDoYou · 12/12/2019 13:54

If your gut is telling you not to op, listen to your gut.

SerenDippitty · 12/12/2019 13:56

@angell84 I think you are right there is an element of not wanting other women to escape the chains.

araiwa · 12/12/2019 13:57

I dont get why on an issue as personal as this, why youd give a fuck what anyone else thinks

Original poster

C1239 · 12/12/2019 14:17

I think because I’ve heard the comments so many times and now I’m at an older age of 35 it’s just made me doubt myself which feels scary because I’ve always been so sure. I struggle sometimes with overthinking so I think I do let peoples opinions get to me more than they should. I think if the option was always there to have children for 20+ more years I wouldn’t even give it a thought but because as you get older the option goes and people say you will massively regret this it has made me panic!

OP posts:

ViciousJackdaw · 12/12/2019 14:20

even though my gut tells me I know having biological children isn’t for me I sometimes feel overwhelmed at what a big decision it is if that makes sense
Is it such a big decision though? You already don't have biological children so what would change? Absolutely nothing. It's the decision to become childed that's the biggie.

How many of these women want you to have children, because they are jealous of your childfree life, and feel stuck themselves?
I have wondered this too. They do say misery loves company.

ANewUsername321 · 12/12/2019 14:33

OP I'm in my mid thirties and I'm exactly the same. I don't want kids, but even if it's unspoken, there is a huge pressure to follow the expected path. I also feel the fear of missing out on this 'huge life changing experience' which I'm sure to regret when I'm older.

It's actually made me feel pretty depressed over the last few years.

Vanhi · 12/12/2019 14:35

I felt pressured when I was your age OP and got into a relationship with someone who was no good for me at all. He is the thing I regret most in my life. I wanted a family but it was difficult to separate out what I genuinely wanted from what I felt pressured to want. I didn't want children enough to go it alone, that's for sure.

In my early 40s I went through a difficult stage where I was scared because I knew by then I wouldn't have children. However, I'm now in my late 40s and have a lovely DP and he has a child. This is enough for me. We have a great time together as a family. I look at the state of the planet and the country and I know that there are definite advantages to not having children.

I think if in doubt, don't. We're not an endangered species!

angell84 · 12/12/2019 14:53

I am the same age as you OP, and I don't feel any pressure to have children. At 35.

I do find it hard to decide sometimes if I actually want to get into a relationship, because I want to get into a relationship.

Or do I want to get into a relationship , because society tells me that I should be in a relationship. I do feel a bit of pressure on that.

I am happy being single, free as a bird and traveling the world at 35.
Sometimes I think - oh I should probably get into a relationship - but that is because society tells me to. So I do see a little bit of pressure that way.

I was talking to an older aunt of mine, she showed me her wedding photograph, and said "the stupidest day of my life". She really is married to the most awful man.

She gave me strength to stay true to what I want - which is to stay single

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 12/12/2019 14:53

OP I’m curious to as to why you don’t mention your partner’s views in all this? In the sense that you say that you feel stressed by having a big decision to make and that decision would normally be one for a couple to make jointly. Is he doing that annoying thing of saying “I’ll support you in whatever you choose”?

Original poster

C1239 · 12/12/2019 15:00

My partner is quite sure he doesn’t want anymore children, he loves the boys but found the first few years of being a dad hard to adapt to. He has had a couple of moments of thinking maybe he’d like to , to be a full time family, but in reality he knows how hard it is and he likes what we have.
I guess that’s why I panic when my overthinking goes a bit crazy, if one day I wake up and think oh god all these people were right I should have a baby I know it would mean me and my partner splitting up and me loosing the family I already have. If he was saying let’s have a baby I think I’d be thinking oh goodness I really don’t want to change what we have, I don’t think I want that responsibility/worry/18+ years of commitment so I don’t at all think I’m going along with not having children because he doesn’t want anymore. It’s just the fear that I will be one of those women who wake up at 38-40 suddenly broody and be like ok the biological clock has kicked in , I do want that.
I haven’t really mentioned my partner because I think it’s important to be clear what you do want individually in this decision, as well as what’s right for the family, so I’ve just been concentrating on my thoughts really.
I probably sound like a crazy woman!

OP posts:

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