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Original poster

Planning to be childfree... but feel very judged!

107 replies

C1239 · 12/12/2019 10:41

I’ve never really seen myself having biological children, can’t really explain it just have felt it’s not in my life plan but thought children could be involved in my life somehow.
I’m now 35, been in a relationship for 5 years and am stepmum to my partners two sons under 10. I enjoy it, I’m lucky to have a fantastic relationship with the boys which I think was helped my meeting them when they were so young. There have definitely been challenging times and it’s been a real eye opener into how tough parenting is. But I feel happy with my situation, I love seeing the boys and the family time we have but I also love the time just me and my partner have.
Since I’ve reached mid 30s though the pressure to have my ‘own’ children seems to be massive, from parents, random comments from work colleagues, some friends , all saying it’s completely different with your own, you will regret this when you are older, what do you mean you don’t want your own children you are an amazing stepmum...!
Throughout my 20s I was able to laugh comments off but sometimes now I really feel the pressure and even question myself that I’m making the right decision even though I’m sure my gut feeling is being a biological mum isn’t for me.
Has anyone else experienced the same? Any advise? Are all these people right and I am making a massive mistake?!

OP posts:
toodlethenoodle · 12/12/2019 12:02

@spoonblender I will! I'll just reply to her nonchalantly and that will make it even better.

She is going to die on the spot. Grin

SuperheroBirds · 12/12/2019 12:03

My husband and I are 35 and have always said we didn’t want children. Over the years my family has made a big fuss about it, but his were quite accepting. Now I’m 35 mine have started to back off a bit and stopped moaning. I’ve been lucky in that my friends have always been supportive, and I get to be god mum to my friend’s children and do all the fun things with them.

My mum used to go on and on about how much she wanted to be a Nan, but now my brother has had a child she just complains that she doesn’t see him enough (she sees him at least once a week) and criticises their parenting, so I’m glad I never gave in just to keep her happy.

StoppinBy · 12/12/2019 12:05

Sounds like you have the best of both worlds, beautiful children that you can love as well as an ability to hand them back lol.

Enjoy your life as you see fit and tell them you have had enough of their opinions and advice and that you are happy with your decision and that they need to respect that.

Elliania · 12/12/2019 12:06

I'm almost 40 & I don't have children. I've heard all sorts of nonsense about it including:
"Oh you'll like children when they're your own"
"Don't you want to make your parents happy & give them grandchildren?"
"Well you're not a proper woman if you don't want kids!"
"What about when you're old and have no one to take care of you?"
"What if you end up regretting your choice?"

My stance has always been that I'd much rather regret not having children than regret having them. Because I think that'd be cruel to a child. Having kids (in my opinion) should be something you do because you want it 100% and are 100% willing to dedicate yourself to. Not because you feel like you should because of other people.

harriethoyle · 12/12/2019 12:06

@toodlethenoodle @spoonblender I used it once on a male family friend, who almost choked on his sherry and NEVER asked again...

TheGoldenNotebook · 12/12/2019 12:09

You are a women. You will be judged regardless of the choices you make because women exist only to please those around them. Even if you had children you would be opening yourself up to a world of judgement.... If you work, if you don't work, if you breast feed, if you formula feed, if you cook every meal from scratch, if you put on too much weight, if you lose too much weight. The moral of this tale is to be truly happy you do what is right for you and remember that anyone who judges you is deficient in some way. Happy life OP... Sounds like you've got it sussed.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/12/2019 12:10

No judgement from me, @C1239. My sister and her dh decided, from the word Go, that they didn't want children, and although I made a very different decision (we have three boys), I absolutely respected her choice and her reasons for that choice.

You sound like a lovely step-mum to your step children, and I think blended families like yours are every bit as real as biological families. It will sound corny, but what matters to me is the love between the family members.

KarenGoodale · 12/12/2019 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

toodlethenoodle · 12/12/2019 12:11

@harriethoyle Grin

IrishMamaMia · 12/12/2019 12:11

Sounds like you have a lovely situation and it really works for you. Lots of people I k ow have 'come out' in recent years as not wanting children and I wouldn't dream of saying something like that. I know it wouldn't be right for them. Equally they are supportive of my decision to have kids.

AftonGlen · 12/12/2019 12:11

I remember being told in my 20s 'oh you'll regret not having children', or 'you'll feel different when you're older' which used to annoy me no end but now I am approaching 40 I don't seem to get any of those comments- most of my friends of a same age don't have children and my colleagues are mainly in their mid 20s to late 30s with no immediate plans to have children.
I don't actually care if people judge me for not having my own. I have custody of a family member's child and that is more than enough for me (practically and emotionally).
People judge to make themselves feel better about their own choices.

ScreamingValalalalahLalalalah · 12/12/2019 12:11

You just have to grit your teeth until you get into your forties, I'm afraid, OP.

Only you can say whether the choice is right for you. I don't regret being childfree, but then I wouldn't take on step children either.

IrishMamaMia · 12/12/2019 12:12

Just to add it might be because you are so good with your step kids that people project on to that.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 12/12/2019 12:15

I'm in my mid-40s, have never wanted kids and have never regretted my choice. People who pressure you to do what they think you should do against your better judgement are unreasonable idiots.

I'll also mention now that somebody, at some point, will come on this thread and ask disingenuously why people without kids come on Mumsnet. The correct answer to this question is BINGO!

HappilyHarridan · 12/12/2019 12:20

Another one here who came under pressure in my thirties, I never had children and really don’t regret it at all. I watch my friends and family with children and see how exhausted they are and how much hard work, frustration, guilt and worry is involved and think I definitely made the right decision! I am very happy with my child free life.

WTF0ver · 12/12/2019 12:21

Don't listen to others. If you don't want kids don't have them. My mum used to nag me a bit (as did a friend) about having kids but I'm 41 now and they've stopped. I know I'd be a terrible parent, I can barely look after myself let alone a child (pets are safe with me though). I'm always in a rush, late, clumsy, forgetting things, working late I don't know how people manage it all with children to look after on top of everything else!

I'm also quite environmentally aware and hate all the plastic crap going into landfall. I would feel so guilty if I was adding to that.

I see my brother's kids every month, friend's kids and volunteer at a children's centre regularly, that's enough kids for me.

People are too bloody nosy.

Gatehouse77 · 12/12/2019 12:21

Thing is we all get judged and judge others. Some are more vocal about it.

If you're confident in your decision and you're not invested in the opinion of these people then, frankly, fuck 'em. Don't give them your time by thinking about it.

HappilyHarridan · 12/12/2019 12:21

Although I do regret not having more puppies.

thepeopleversuswork · 12/12/2019 12:26

Tell them to fuck off.

It's one of the most pernicious things in our society, the idea that people have the right to comment on women's reproductive choices. It makes me froth with rage.

You clearly know what you want and are happy with it. It's absolutely none of anyone else's god-damned business and you should tell them to tell a running jump.

IdiotInDisguise · 12/12/2019 12:27

A lot of people have a lot of opinions and different levels of judgements, but the only people who know what works best for you is you.

Just ignore them, they will go quiet eventually.

AllergicToAMop · 12/12/2019 12:30

Annoyingly 99% of the ones who judge me are women.
For all the judgy ones reading this:
Leave other uteruses alone!

IdiotInDisguise · 12/12/2019 12:34

Just ignore them, none of those women is going to be babysitting for you if you have a child.

Other thing that you can say is “ I really do not want to go into the details, but having has children is not an option we have”. They will assume you can’t and leave you alone.

angell84 · 12/12/2019 12:42

I am 35 and child free, and I am perfectly happy.

I have to say, I don't really understand women like you, who say that they feel pressured.

I have had he odd comment along the way, usually a gentle one. "Do you not want kids!" I would say no, and the other person would say something like , "oh yes that's fine, more women are being childfree these day".

But I just do not understand how you could feel pressured by other people on this.

No comment about having children, would make me have children - to please some one else. That is ridiculous. It is my body. Be stronger

ScreamingValalalalahLalalalah · 12/12/2019 12:43

Annoyingly 99% of the ones who judge me are women

Yes, I have found this. Men don't seem to care at all.

museumum · 12/12/2019 12:54

I don't think I'd have had a child if I had two step children. DH and I had one child, we love him dearly but one is just right for us.