Planning to be childfree... but feel very judged!

[C1239]

I’ve never really seen myself having biological children, can’t really explain it just have felt it’s not in my life plan but thought children could be involved in my life somehow.
I’m now 35, been in a relationship for 5 years and am stepmum to my partners two sons under 10. I enjoy it, I’m lucky to have a fantastic relationship with the boys which I think was helped my meeting them when they were so young. There have definitely been challenging times and it’s been a real eye opener into how tough parenting is. But I feel happy with my situation, I love seeing the boys and the family time we have but I also love the time just me and my partner have.
Since I’ve reached mid 30s though the pressure to have my ‘own’ children seems to be massive, from parents, random comments from work colleagues, some friends , all saying it’s completely different with your own, you will regret this when you are older, what do you mean you don’t want your own children you are an amazing stepmum...!
Throughout my 20s I was able to laugh comments off but sometimes now I really feel the pressure and even question myself that I’m making the right decision even though I’m sure my gut feeling is being a biological mum isn’t for me.
Has anyone else experienced the same? Any advise? Are all these people right and I am making a massive mistake?!

As a mum, I think you are making absolutely the right decision, and tbh form what I can see it’s people like you who will ultimately save the planet. Yes we will have to figure out technology to deal with ageing populations, but that aside, I can’t see how the world will decide unless the global birthrate plummets. When you look how many more people there are in UK since WWII (and I don’t mean immigration) and that we’re going to add another 2 billion before 2050 or something - frankly, you’re doing society a kindness!

And yes, you’d be judge anyway if you have a kid, all the flipping time. It is set up so that in terms of getting approval, women can’t win.

Whoops should have read it through! What i meant was, obviously I adore my kids but I REALLY wanted them and still it has been unimaginably hard since I was used to a pleasant, affluent professional life that has essentially disappeared.

Also for ‘decide’ read ‘survive’.

Stick to your guns.

If you don't want to have children, then absolutely don't. There's pressure whatever you do as a woman, if you don't have children, if you only have one, if you have 'too many'; as cheesy as it sounds we only get one life, don't give in to pressure if it isn't what you want. There's so many factors as to what makes someone's life fulfilling, it's absolutely not having children for everyone. It's so annoying and outrageous that people judge and feel like their comments are needed when they very much aren't.

I get judged because i only have 1 child and I don't want and won't have anymore

Me too! She is 17 now, so you think people would have stopped asking....nope! I get allllll kinds of comments. She's going to be lonely, i've burdened her with my care when (if) i'm old, i'm not a real mother etc. etc. Luckily, I don't give a fuck what people say or think, but if I was more sensitive....!

I think having children is hugely overrated. I can't stress it enough! I know that's not a popular opinion, but luckily i'm not a real mother so my opinion doesn't count

Just say "Oh thanks, are you paying for that?" whenever you are offered unsolicited advice were the consequences will mean work or cost for you and not the advice giver.
Will all these helpful friends, family, colleagues be getting up in the night to care for your baby so you can sleep... providing affordable childcare so you can work....pay for holiday clubs...hobbies.... clothes...food.... their opinion is worth what they are willing to contribute to make it happen.....this is usually nothing...

I agree with women get judged either way. I get judged for having 4, my sister gets judged for having one. Women get judged for having none. People will judge whatever you do.

Not easy but try and ignore all the people who think they have a right to comment on your life.

Me and DH are child free by choice and after 40 years of marriage and now both in our 60's neither of us regret our decision. We have never ever had any doubts at all. In fact we are both even more sure we made the right decision.

We have quite a few child free friends and family and, to my knowledge, none of them regret their decision. On the other hand quite a few of our friends with children have said if they could go back in time they would not have any even though they do love them.

Even if you did regret it, surely better to regret not having a child than having one?

I get asked now if I have grandchildren and occasionally when I say I have no children I get asked why or the comment "oh how sad" made to me! Also the same old comment of how I will likely end up sad and alone!

I may end up alone if my DH dies before me but no one should have children for that reason and even if you do have children there is no guarantee whatsoever they will be there for you

No judgement from my end.

I never wanted children, I now have a stepdaughter and that'll do me.

Surely it's better on balance to regret not having them than regretting having them? I don't want kids either (early 30s) and I have lots of friends the same. I actually think the number of child free couples will increase as time goes on partly due to financial pressures but also because of environmental concerns.

Who gives a toss about being ‘judged’? Most people are idiots anyway, so why should I give a toss what they think about my decisions about having children? It’s my life, not theirs.

We are adults, not teenagers, after all.

They are only people's opinions.
So what if they 'judge' you. Roll your eyes inwardly nod and smile and carry on with your life.
You get judged for everything so do what works for you!

It’s too personal for others to say what’s right for you

At least you're only getting judged for one thing! I have 2 boys. I get judged for not trying for a girl, judged for being too old (37 and 41 when the boys were born) judged for working full time, judged for having 2 c-sections, judged for there being a big gap between DSD and DSs (20 years), judged for having a graddaughter and the DSs being uncles at age 3 and 7 - it's never fucking ending. I now give zero fucks about what anyone thinks.

You don't want children and you are happy with that decision. That is really all that truly counts. Do not feel pressured in to something you don't want and enjoy your life - the way you want to live it.

I always find it amazing that people will judge you for not wanting to undergo 9 months of pregnancy and not wanting to add to an already overpopulated planet. Just ignore their stupidity.

You are a woman. You get judged on whatever choice you make with respect to your body, in particular its reproductive system. Too young, too old, too many, not having any, within marriage, outside of marriage, IVF, C-section, water birth, abortion, you name it and someone will be telling you you are wrong to do with your body and your life what you feel is right. As pp said, sod them all, it's your life.

As for judging don’t worry women get judged I general for pretty much everything

go with your gut, there are lots of ways to make a positive contribution to the next generation that don't involve having your own biological children.
Every child deserves to be 100-percent wanted it's not fair where to take a risk and have a child that you might not want or you don't feel sure about, being unwanted by parents is a source of huge psychological damage in later life

OP you can not win-
childfree - lesbian, infertile etc - had all that
1 child - selfish, they will be lonely
2 children perfect but only if one of each then you have reached the hallowed ground of perfect female form!!
3 - seriously was it a mistake, over population, why would, you so hard etc.

i was child free for a long time out of choice, then we decided to try - multiple miscarriages later DC1 arrived, then not trying and DC2 appeared.

Be happy your decision is the right decision for you

People seem to want to have an opinion on everything these days it seems! If you are happy ,then its not their business really.I think they are possibly a little envious as you have stepchildren you get along with and lots of free time to spend together as well!

@harriethoyle I'm going to use that next time my mum asks!

Just follow your own path! The questions will calm down soon it’s mid thirties everyone seems to be demanding others follow a strict path culturally.

The only thing I would say, is your wavering because of pressure or because you’ve any other feelings? If it’s the latter then I don’t know, a decent counselor just to decide for yourself that you’ve made your own choice? But if not and it’s just pressure then forget everyone else, and your step sons are lucky to have you!

The only person whose opinion matters in all this is your husband. People make all sorts of random passing comments about other people’s family lives and then they go away and forget they even said it. They may be judging but they don’t really care.

All you can do is make sure your husband and you are agreed about your joint future. And your husband is uniquely placed to advise because he has actually had biological children of his own and so can comment on the usual “it’s different when they are your own” argument.

@toodlethenoodle PLEASE post back how she reacts! Golden suggestion harriethoyle :D

notfrom don’t worry I get judged for having had an amazing career and given it up (even though I do still work freelance!) Even though it would have meant both parties working 60 hours a week and on holidays and having to do constant work travel and evening events and having zero family support and me actually being very sick after birth etc etc... NOTHING was good enough reason but for people to say ‘oh, but that’s a shame, let me tell you about someone I know who has four young boys and is a director of a super duper bank) .

And yes I am married and yes I have assets in my name and yes my bff is a divorce barrister and yes I know how much is in our considerable pensions so that when my dh inevitably shags someone because I’m so incredibly stupid and boring and worthless now that I’ve spent more time at home, it will all be fine thanks.

And then when I got an AMAZING part time job, 80k a year pro rata in a challenging field where I had to travel away one night a week and had brilliant trustworthy overnight childcare set up... immediate cat-bum faces - ‘ooh I couldn’t do that... poor kids’.

You cannot. Avoid. The judgement.