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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me or him?

113 replies

TellMeMore2020 · 11/12/2019 22:00

My mum is seriously unwell. She has terminal cancer and is currently battling an infection.

Me and my partner had a row today because he thinks I am spending too much time with my mum at hospital.

She's been in hospital since September when she got diagnosed.

According to him I don't divide my time well enough. He wants me to spend more time with him over my sick mother?

I went part-time temporarily to be able to spend more time with mum and he thinks this is a stupid move because I'm not considering my future.

He came from a foreign country to be with me and keeps saying to me that I don't care that he's alone at home while I'm at the hospital with my mum. I do ask him to come but he doesn't.

Is he right?! Or being difficult? Please help 😔

OP posts:
Wafflecopter · 12/12/2019 08:25

Hat an absolute prick he is, I’m glad you can see that now.
I hope you’re packing his shit up as I type.
I’m so sorry about your mum, I hope you get a while with her yet and her pain is managed well xx

Original poster
TellMeMore2020 · 12/12/2019 08:29

@wafflecopter

Me too 💔

I haven't got the energy to even row with him. I'm just being a 'yes person' for some peace and using what energy I do have to be strong for my mum.

OP posts:
Wafflecopter · 12/12/2019 08:34

@TellMeMore2020

I absolutely get it.
I’d say that the next time her brings it up don’t engage with him, just tell him if he’s not happy he should leave, and then just go out and leave him to it.
It’ll solve your issue either way.

You deserve so much better. Not somebody who will begrudge you spending time with your dying mother and grieving for your loss when the time comes.
You want somebody who will be there supporting and grieving along side you.

NannySusan · 12/12/2019 08:37

I am so sorry about your Mum, your heart must be breaking. Flowers
A partner should add to your joy in good times and lessen your pain in bad.
Nothing else is worth the endless compromise that is a romantic relationship.
I think if your eyes are opened to this man's intolerable behaviour because of her illness and you end the relationship as a result it will be a gift from your Mum.
Take care, and grasp every precious minute you can with your Mum without feeling any guilt. You are doing the right thing ❤️

Powerplant · 12/12/2019 08:39

I’m so sorry you are going through this - you only have one mum and I wish I still had mine - boyfriends come and go💐💐

LittleLongDog · 12/12/2019 08:43

He told me I have a duty to be next to him.
He has a duty to be next to you. He should be there supporting you through this time.

Kiki275 · 12/12/2019 08:47

Get rid, he sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Out of curiosity, what kind of country move are we talking? Long haul flight or 3hr drive down the M74 kind of move. Either way, he's an arse but even more so if he's only moved within the uk.
You are going through a really tough time and it's wonderful your siblings are all pulling together and sharing the responsibilities. Your mum has done a brilliant job raising you all alone and must feel so much more content with you all around & extremely proud x

Idonttrackpeas · 12/12/2019 09:02

I'd be telling him to fuck off back to his pwn country. You'd be well rid I can tell you (speaking as someone whose DH took advantage of me being away with my terminal mum to have an affair). They're either by your side or they're dumped in my view.

3rdNamechange · 12/12/2019 09:09

Tell him to bugger off. Don't know if you've got or are planning kids with him , but they'd take away your attention from him too. He's a dick.
Sorry about your Mum Thanks

Thornhill58 · 12/12/2019 09:12

I'm glad he is only a partner because I'll make it clear that what he does now will determine the future of the relationship if there is one left.
You'll never regret this time with your mother but his attitude and words will stay with you.
He as an adult can do what he likes but I'll be so upset that he clearly doesn't understand your loss and the gravity of the situation.
I wouldn't stay with a man that wants me to choose between him and my terminal mother.

TowelNumber42 · 12/12/2019 09:17

Kick him out. Tell your mum you've done it. Give her some happiness knowing that her daughter can defend herself against dodgy men in her life. I don't know your mum but I know that's the kind of thing that would give me great comfort about my daughter. I would want to know she can handle herself in the world. That she will be OK when I'm gone whatever life throws at her.

Lentilbug · 12/12/2019 09:18

So sorry about your mum. He's a selfish prick. Let him fuck off back to his country.

user1494670108 · 12/12/2019 09:23

Why don't you suggest that he hoes back to his own country whilst you are unable to spend lots of time with him and then Never Invite Him Back.

Molly2016 · 12/12/2019 09:41

OP, before my mum passed she was unwell for a number of years. We had frequent calls to the hospital to say goodbye when she would then recover enough to hold on until the next time.
Every time I got the call I went. Even if it was in the middle of the night. Sometimes it involved driving 90 minutes each way.
There were times when I knew it was a ‘false alarm’ but I still went. To support my other family members. So my mum knew I was there. So she knew she wouldn’t be alone when it actually was time.
I was with her at the end. It was one of the most difficult moments of my life and I’ve often looked back and wondered whether I did the right thing. Then I think about what my mum wanted and she was desperate to be with family and frightened of being alone at the time.
I’ll never regret going all those times. I’m lucky that I still have time to spend with DH and my DC. My mum is gone forever.
Follow your heart and spend the time with your mum.

Sunflower20 · 12/12/2019 09:58

Wow he’s a cold cunt. I would concentrate on your mum and let him do what he wants. Absolutely no loss to you if he decides to piss off for good, he sounds dire.

NotStayingIn · 12/12/2019 10:13

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP. Flowers

He has truly shown you his selfish side. Not sure if it’s relevant but I would be very very wary of ever having kids with him too, he could never cope with you giving them attention.

CakeandCustard28 · 12/12/2019 10:16

Bin him. Why can’t he go visit her with you if it’s such an issue? He’s acting like a spoilt brat. Spend as much time as you can with your mum.

Spied · 12/12/2019 10:21

Your next 'day off' use to pack his bags.
A weight will be lifted and you can concentrate on yourself and your family.

OlaEliza · 12/12/2019 11:03

He knows she's terminal but keeps saying if I'm going to keep putting my mum as a priority then he will go out clubbing or go back to his home country

Let him. Buy his ticket for him. You'll be better off. What would he be like if you had kids? He wouldn't be able to cope with not being centre of your attention. Get rid and treasure these last days with your mum Flowers

AryaStarkWolf · 12/12/2019 11:09

He's being unreasonable, that's your mom, you only get one, be there for her

Grumpos · 12/12/2019 11:10

If you prioritise spending time with your “partner” bc he’s a massive man child and jealous of a dying woman, over your mum at this last stage of her life you will never forgive yourself and never forgive him.

Tell him once and for all, your mum is your priority and if he cannot support you in this most difficult period of your life then he needs to move out and move on.

I would be dumping him anyway because his actions show a nasty, cold bastard with no human empathy. But if you can’t face the bother of doing it right now give him the choice to leave or shut the fuck up. Then dump him when you have the energy.

One way to get the strength is to think “would my mum want me to be treated like this and for this man to be my forever partner?” I can pretty much guarantee your answer would be no

MMadness · 12/12/2019 11:23

My mother passed away unexpectedly. If I'd known, our last interactions would have been different.

Tell him to fuck along. He isn't supportive and quite frankly, I'd pay for his ticket and pack his bags for him.

What an epic cunt.

HollowTalk · 12/12/2019 11:30

He knows she's terminal but keeps saying if I'm going to keep putting my mum as a priority then he will go out clubbing or go back to his home country

This is all you need to know about him. Do yourself a massive favour and get rid of him.

Just out of interest, is he living in your home or is it a joint mortgage/rental agreement? Do you share a joint bank account? Does he work and support himself? It's just that he sounds incredibly selfish and if you share finances in any way then be very careful as he sounds the sort to take every penny he can. He puts himself first.

Foslady · 12/12/2019 11:33

Absolutely heartbreaking. Carry on being a yes person.
Yes, you’re right, it cannot continue.
Yes, you’re right, pack your bags and leave.

MashedSpud · 12/12/2019 11:37

I rarely advise people to dump someone but this piece of shit will make your life a misery. You mark my words.

I’m sorry about your mum. Spend as much time as you can with her.

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