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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me or him?

113 replies

TellMeMore2020 · 11/12/2019 22:00

My mum is seriously unwell. She has terminal cancer and is currently battling an infection.

Me and my partner had a row today because he thinks I am spending too much time with my mum at hospital.

She's been in hospital since September when she got diagnosed.

According to him I don't divide my time well enough. He wants me to spend more time with him over my sick mother?

I went part-time temporarily to be able to spend more time with mum and he thinks this is a stupid move because I'm not considering my future.

He came from a foreign country to be with me and keeps saying to me that I don't care that he's alone at home while I'm at the hospital with my mum. I do ask him to come but he doesn't.

Is he right?! Or being difficult? Please help 😔

OP posts:
Secretsantaname · 11/12/2019 23:13

Sorry to hear about your mumFlowers. You're 100% right. Don't waste your energy justifying your actions to him, you need all your energy to concentrate on your mum.

Whoatethechocorange · 11/12/2019 23:19

Ur mum is your priority right now.
You have the rest of your live to spend with an inconsiderate asshole should you choose to.
Didn't read every comment but tell him to get a job if he doesn't want to sit home alone every day!!!
He sounds like an absolute fuckwit!
Hugs for you and your mum x

Original poster
TellMeMore2020 · 11/12/2019 23:20

@backforgood
Honestly I'm one of 5 so we all share hospital visits and stopovers. Also we each make sure we have a 'day off' per week for us to rest, do housework etc. We all do try honestly.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 11/12/2019 23:24

Please dump him, bloody hell ive not heard anything like it ffs

Peashoot1 · 11/12/2019 23:29

He should be supportive. Put your mum first. You only get one mum and every moment is precious. If he is looking for an excuse to go clubbing or back home than that's up to him. Speaking from experience

RedDiamond · 11/12/2019 23:44

I hope he's not your future... Sad

Elieza · 11/12/2019 23:47

What is wrong with that guy. Unbelievable.

I’d bin him. I understand that he’s lonely in a strange country but he’s needing to join a hobby or club or go to nightschool or something constructive with his spare time instead of trying to take you away from the bedside of your sick mother.

Anyone who would be so jealous isn’t worthy if you.

You do your thing with your mum. Tell him to go. You don’t need his shit. If you got married and have kids he’d be jealous of them. Or if you go out with friends. Sounds like he just doesn’t like being alone. He needs to grow up. He should be supporting you at this difficult time, not making things worse. Send him packing.

KellyHall · 11/12/2019 23:50

Fucking hell, don't waste a single second more on this loser! Tell him to fuck off, to anywhere, just asap!

Spend all the time you can with your mum Flowers

BeanTownNancy · 12/12/2019 00:15

5 years from now, don't be regretting not spending enough time with your mum. You will get another chance at finding love (if you decide to sack this unsupportive douche off), but you will never get a do-over with your mum.

kazzer2867 · 12/12/2019 00:25

Sorry to hear about your mum.

I am absolutely disgusted how selfish this man is.

I was in your position a year ago, except my DH fully supported my decision to be there for my mum. I moved to a different county to be with my her. My mum was terminal and I never gave it a second thought about what I wanted to do. If my DH had questioned my decision he would not be my DH anymore. I'm in the LTB camp. He's showed you who he is, act on it.

I am so happy I got to spend the time with my mum before she died. You will regret it if you listen to this worthless piece of sh*t.

user1492346620 · 12/12/2019 00:27

@BackforGood surely in a situation like this, everyone has to do what they feel they need to and a supportive partner will put their own needs aside
OP nobody else should have yet right to dictate how much is too much time (and in any case it seems as though you are finding some balance)

helacells · 12/12/2019 00:28

Wow he has shown you who he really is. Get rid of him. What a worthless self absorbed knobhead to think he comes before your precious Mum.

Chocmallows · 12/12/2019 00:34

So sorry for what you are going through. You are 100% right.

When the time comes he isn't going to care for you and help you grieve, he begrudges your attention towards your DM now and yet he should be with you supporting you on visits.

He is not going to support your future mental health. You are better off focussing on your family and people who have your back.

AntiHop · 12/12/2019 00:38

He's being awful.

messolini9 · 12/12/2019 00:41

He knows she's terminal but keeps saying if I'm going to keep putting my mum as a priority then he will go out clubbing or go back to his home country

An EXCELLENT solution, which I hope you will embrace wholeheartedly OP.

I am so sorry about your mum.
I'm also sorry that some randoms on MN are possibly more invested in your mum's end of life quality, & your memories of having been able to be there for her, than is your STBXb/f.
Flowers

56Marshmallow · 12/12/2019 00:42

Show him the door and have the locks changed.

At a time like this, your partner should be bending over backwards to see if he can make your life easier not saying "but what about me?"

He is a self-centred prick. He will not change. If he can't support you with something like this then he will never be there to support you.

So sorry about your Mum.

notthenormal · 12/12/2019 00:47

He either needs to be out on his arse or under the patio depending on his life insurance

TotalRecall · 12/12/2019 00:51

Dump his pathetic whiny ass. He’s shown you who he is. He called your dying mother selfish?

He will probably expect you to put him first over everything in the future too, including any children.

Get rid.

zxcbb · 12/12/2019 00:55

Tell him to fuck off home. Do it now. You don't want to look back at the time you had left with your mum and remember the stress this cockhead caused.

messolini9 · 12/12/2019 00:58

He told me I have a duty to be next to him.
Did he indeed!
Does he make a habit of informing you where your duty lies?
Does he seriously believe that it's up to him to decide that for you, or that you are so morally inferior that you cannot be trusted to make up your own mind?

He seems very keen for you to keep earning full time money, doesn't he? Almost as if money were more important than your last times with your mum ...

And if it was the other way round (his mum) he would be putting me first as I'm his future.
Bleeeeuuugh. His future what?
Duty-bound person who does as she is told or he throws a sulk?
Meal ticket?
Does he work, & if so does he contribute equally, or cocklodge?

He even called my mum selfish because she calls us to go to the hospital (when she's awake)
Yeah .. the selfish, poorly rotter! How very dare she be so carelessly self-centred as to be terminally ill.

OP, I'm almost amused by his toddler-like threat-flinging of disappearing back abroad or going clubbing. Maybe he can do both, why would you care, he's a ghastly little control freak.
I hope you laugh at him next time, & give him the old BYE FELICIA.

eaglejulesk · 12/12/2019 01:07

Get rid of him! This should show you his true colours, and he won't change. He will not be there for you when your Mum goes, or at any other time of crisis I feel. Love to you and your Mum Flowers

WatchOutLurkerAbout · 12/12/2019 07:20

Just to put this into perspective when my mums mum was dying of cancer. My step dad who was not married to my mum at the time took on the care of three kids under 15. So that my mum could spend every hour with her mum that she wanted.

My step dad even got our family car adapted so that the front passenger seat swivelled to make it easier for my grandma to get in and out. She also felt calmer with him driving to appointments as he drove for a living and every hump and bump hurt her. He took compassionate and unpaid leave to be at every appointment she wanted him at.

It's a shitty time and you need a partner by your side. Not a demanding pathetic man child.

notthemum · 12/12/2019 08:14

Op. I am sorry about your mum. I am also sorry to be so blunt but your mum is dying. He doesn't give a shit about her, he's called her selfish Ffs. How dare he ?
He obviously doesn't give a shit about you either. I hope you are not financially tied to this twat. His behaviour at this time when you need him is unbelievable. He should be supporting you not whining about his wants. This does not bode well for a future with him. Please for your sanity now tell him to fuck off back to his own country and concentrate on the things and people who are important. Trust me, he isn't one of them.
💐

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 12/12/2019 08:24

I'm glad you know that he's not correct.

Thinking about it, my work were more supportive of me than he is being of you. I literally text my supervisor one evening to say I had to go up to see my mum (I kept them up to date with how she was doing) and that things were looking bad. Supervisor text me back to say they would cover me, don't rush back. That's supportive.

My DH kept our house ticking over (in the middle of a room renovation) and did everything with DD, in-laws helped so much too, that is supportive.

Honestly, I hope you have the strength to tell him to get packing. Flowers

GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/12/2019 08:25

Let him fuck off back to his home country then, the nasty prick.

I'm sorry about your mom.

Honestly OP leave him because once your mom is gone he won't allow you time to grieve, or arrange her funeral or sort her house.

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