To be worried about my SS

[bexci]

I've just signed up as really need some advice as im worried about my stepson.

He's nearly 15 and in year 10. He lives with me and his dad. His mum passed away due to cancer when he was nearly 9. He seemed to cope ok but I don't think he really understood that he wouldn't see her again. But as he's got older he's started to get more upset/it's started to affect him more.

He also feels like his English teacher is making fun of him as a few weeks ago when it was the anniversary of his mum's death he went to school (me and his dad weren't going to send him but he wanted to go) and he started crying and his English teacher told him to stop crying because he's 14 not 4. And he always says things like call your mum and get her to bring your homework, is your mum not coming to parents evening, if you don't behave I'm going to call your mum etc. his English teacher knows about his mum passing away and he has been his English teacher since year 7. And he doesn't mean me as he doesn't call me mum he calls me by my real name.

He also seems to have more of a temper for a few months now. And he's started to try and pick fights with people and has been swearing at teachers (especially his English one). And at home he's started talking back to me and his dad (especially me).

Can I have some advice please?

I'd be going into the school and speaking to his head of year and explaining about dss's family circumstances and about his English teacher. Your ds's may not want you to but he doesn't need to be with you. You can make an appointment. If you really don't want to do that- I'd send an email.
Has ds's had any kind of grief counselling?

He's spoken to his form tutor about him and she has had multiple words with him since year 7 and it gets better for about a week but then his teacher mentions something again. Which has also got his classmates asking about his mum.

He hasn't had grief counselling but he says he doesn't want to talk.

This teacher is bullying your son, I’d make a formal complaint.

Make a formal complaint to the board of governors.

If complaining to his form tutor isn't effective you need to go higher (I am one and our powers are fairy limited). It needs passing up to head of year/head of English.

English teacher obviously needs some training (always say 'carer' if unsure/forgetful).

If it doesn't stop he needs to move class (assuming not a tiny secondary with only one English teacher for his year).

Make a complaint. As someone who lost a parent at secondary school if a teacher had done this to me, it would have broken me.

Please get this nipped in the bud sooner rather than later.

His form tutor has spoken to the head of English but she didn't do much and Just said "he probably forgets". Last year he refused to go to his lesson and started trying to skip it and they just let him do his work with his head of year (was near the end of year year so he only had to answer questions about a book.

Yesterday he walked out of class but they've told him he can't move classes as that's his set and there's only one teacher for it and they don't want to move him down as that's not where he should be work wise. And he can't do his work with the head of year as this year is an important year.

Your poor step son. This has made me very cross, what sort of teacher treats a grieving child like this.

Defiantly speak to the head, also see if he can move into another English class. Life is too short and hard enough without this crap.

Also, his teacher needs to be educated about mental health and warning signs. Telling a teenage boy he shouldn’t cry is appalling. Of course he can cry, he lost his mum. Heartless, ignorant shit.

Gosh this is horrible. I lost a parent as a child & had one teacher try to use me as an example of grief in a RE class - it nearly broke me. Please speak to the school again & personally I would let him swap sets if possible because at least he’ll go to class rather than skip the lessons he is being bullied in.

Something that I didn’t understand until much older is that if you lose a parent as a child you basically grieve anew as you grow into new stages of life. This makes the teenage years really hard. Also I never had any counselling (it was the 80s it just didn’t really happen) & put in that situation I would take my kids to counselling & family counselling. Dealing with it by myself was not healthy. Would he come to family counselling maybe if he won’t consider individual?
I’m glad you’re looking out for him

I totally agree with taking it higher, it's actually emotional abuse as this teacher knows of his circumstances, perhaps by way of revenge (you said hes acting out at this teacher? I'm not surprised he is! He's making him feel vulnerable infront of his classmates).

He may say he doesn't want to talk, but honestly OP I'd just go ahead and make an appointment with a bereavement counsellor, perhaps take him for a burger or something and explain gently that there is someone you'd just like him to go and have a little private chat with, he doesn't have to talk or even stay, but you just want things to be a little better at his school and maybe this would help a bit, keep it light, I wouldn't even mention his mum.

If he says he doesn't want to talk about his mum, tell him he doesn't have to talk about anything he doesn't want to.

Sometimes we need to nudge someone (gently) towards help....

I really hope things improve x

How terrible! It bothers me that because it’s a child, they’re not taken seriously. This is bullying and undoubtedly having an emotional impact on him. Put it in writing and make it as formal as possible. I wouldn’t want to be in his class either, insensitive prick....

This is so sad to read and it actually made me feel quite angry, i can definitely see why tour SS is angry towards this man too. How vile to treat someone like that. I would without a doubt report to the head....not the head of English or head of the year but head of the school and I'd make it perfectly clear if it continues i would take it further. How dare he say don't cry you are 14 not 4. What a cold hearted vile prick!!

That sounds horrible. There's no excuse for a teacher to do this multiple times if they've been told. I'd make a formal complaint.

Had your SS sought any therapeutic bereavement support? See if school have access to this service otherwise you might find Winstons Wish can provide some support/ signposting to local services.

I would write to the Headteacher and Chair of Governors and hand deliver the letters to school. The school has a duty of care towards the students and this makes my blood boil. This teacher should not be teaching. The teacher cannot ‘just forget’. It’s inappropriate to say anyway because some kids do not live with their Mums, yet alone have to go through the loss of their Mum (or Dad).

That's awful. And that bullying, by a teacher. By an adult towards a vulnerable child? That is the reason many people have a problem with teachers. I can remember the sadistic bullies that we had over 40 yrs ago. And I know not all teachers are like this. But one is too many, and affects your life. Please go into school and sort out the bullying bastard teacher issue...

That's awful! Teachers are human and I'm sure we've all put our foot in it and said something insensitive by accident to a pupil - we teach over 300 children and it is easy to forget individual circumstances.
Once is a mistake. Two is appalling (every teacher I know would be mortified by the first time and never forget that particular child's circumstances again).
This many times is just unkind. It's either deliberate bullying which needs escalating, or absolute incompetence in which case he needs training. He should also not be telling pupils not to cry. Toxic masculinity at its finest there.
Go to the Head if Year. If that doesn't work, go to the Deputy Head. Then the Head. Then the Governors.

I'd be making sure that teacher regretted everything they ever said if he was my SS.

When he was at primary school a school counselor used to speak to him.

Today a classmate kept following him around at lunchtime asking if the teacher is with his mum and because ss kept telling him to leave him alone he thought it was true so he started saying things and in the end ss pushed him to the floor. He got sent to his form tutor and he told a teacher who deals with behaviour and the teacher didn't believe him about his English teacher and said he was making it up. He did miss the english lesson today though as he stayed with his form tutor and helped some of the year 7s in her lesson.

I really feel for you and your ss.
My dd is also doing GCSE and her Spanish teacher constantly puts her down and reports her nearly every day.
I have told head of year by email and they also said they can't move her.
I was so fed up with it I told them not to be contacting me about Spanish anymore.
My dd loved Spanish to she got this teacher was hoping to do it for A level but when GCSE is over she said she never wants to do Spanish again.
When my mum died she rang me one day the week after and had a full rant for half an hour about no homework done during 3 day off for a death. She just wouldn't listen to reason so Ì emailed head of year told her never to let that teacher ring me again.
She never rang me again but we had a few words and parent teacher meeting.
Its do hard to see our teenagers upset about school and the school cant move them.

He's also told me not to tell his dad. At first I thought he did forget and made a mistake but now it's nearly every lesson and his other teachers say they always say his dad. Once a teacher thought I was his mum but she was new so didn't know.

Can you ask for a meeting with the teacher?

Personally if I were in your position I wouldn't bother with the 'escalation protocol' and go straight to the top, this isnt a one off mishap, he's been spoken to by you Ss's form tutor a few times? And still does this? Its deliberate, appalling behaviour- hes a teacher.

This isn’t acceptable, perhaps for a teacher who has only had him 3 months and teaches 300 plus pupils a week but not for an English teacher who has taught him for several years and sees him several times a week.

I would write an email to the head of English and cc in the head of pastoral, form tutor and head of year. State politely that this teacher should not be forgetting especially since he has had this teacher for several years now, explain the effect it is having on your son. I would ask for a meeting with this teacher, line manager and a member of SLT where you can clearly outline the effect it is having on your son and the teacher has nowhere to hide. If you don’t get an appropriate response, then I would make a formal complaint. The head will almost certainly send this down to head of English/head of pastoral so I would start there before moving up.

I’m an English teacher and teach several children who have parents who have died. It’s inexcusable to not remember and change your language.

If he doesn’t want to “talk” then it might be worth investigating therapy that is not so direct - play therapy, art therapy, drama or music therapy are often offered as really effective ways of helping young people deal with grief.

It depends on your area, but there is likely to be something local - waiting lists can be torturous though.

So the English teachers behaviour led Classmates to follow you SS around the school taunting him about his mum?

The more info you type OP the more urgenty I think this needs addressing.