To be worried about my SS

[bexci]

I've just signed up as really need some advice as im worried about my stepson.

He's nearly 15 and in year 10. He lives with me and his dad. His mum passed away due to cancer when he was nearly 9. He seemed to cope ok but I don't think he really understood that he wouldn't see her again. But as he's got older he's started to get more upset/it's started to affect him more.

He also feels like his English teacher is making fun of him as a few weeks ago when it was the anniversary of his mum's death he went to school (me and his dad weren't going to send him but he wanted to go) and he started crying and his English teacher told him to stop crying because he's 14 not 4. And he always says things like call your mum and get her to bring your homework, is your mum not coming to parents evening, if you don't behave I'm going to call your mum etc. his English teacher knows about his mum passing away and he has been his English teacher since year 7. And he doesn't mean me as he doesn't call me mum he calls me by my real name.

He also seems to have more of a temper for a few months now. And he's started to try and pick fights with people and has been swearing at teachers (especially his English one). And at home he's started talking back to me and his dad (especially me).

Can I have some advice please?

Only the teachers at his primary school knew. And his mum's friends knew. None of the children guessed because he was off school for about a month but I think his friends assumed he was ill and because at first he seemed to cope so the only difference was he was very quiet.

Gosh, sounds like he needed a lot of help years ago then if he couldn't even tell his school friends that his mum, possibly the most important person ever in his life, had died or even been very sick. That's a very serious case of going into himself.

Have you thought about further therapy?

Make an appointment with the teacher, ask as soon as you sit down "are you stupid or malicious? Ss has lost his mother and despite being informed that your behaviour is inappropriate you persist in what appears to be bullying behaviour of an adult against a vulnerable child, so if it is malicious I have no choice but to pursue a serious complaint against you, if it is stupidity then I want you to outline to me what you are going to do to ensure that your behaviour is corrected permanently, as if you cannot do that then I will have no choice but to pursue a complaint against you for incompetence, as you would clearly not be competent to perform your role when teaching vulnerable children, so which is it? "

I think it's time for a formal written complaint to the headteacher and potentially board of governors detailing the previous discussions and interactions you've had about this.

Winstons wish is a charity that supports bereaved children and they have some great resources for all ages of child so please take a look www.winstonswish.org/

Don’t think too much about it and complain about the teacher straight away.

Teachers are human and can also be bullies, it is not surprising your stepson feels like that, he is being bullied by a person who is in a position of power.

Fight his corner, complain ASAP

@bexci It sounds to me like he's struggling to find his voice around loosing his Mum, if he can't and won't vocalise it then I can't imagine what's going on in his head, no one can...please encourage therapy, there will be help for you to help him, it's such a trauma and he's internalising it...he can't carry this his whole childhood, he needs to be able to at least tell friends? Especially with what's going on at school.

I want to scream at that fucking teacher.....its sickening.

Also, no-one should EVER keep quiet about bullying, shout from the rooftops OP

(You can actually go legal on this if the school fail to act, I'd be tempted to get advice, plus it'd definitely force an immediate change...just incase...even if you issue a 'cease and desist'- citing emotional harm/mental anguish...that teachers got to me....)

Would it be possible to discuss the teacher's motivations with your SS? The teacher isn't respected and getting the behaviour he would like from the class (or your SS at least) and so he is seeking control by putting your SS down.

Obviously a teacher who resorts to this kind of tactic to control behaviour is astronomically unlikely to be the kind of person a class would look up to in general. Ask your SS if anyone in the class likes him as a teacher? Does he 'pick on' on other kids? Is he someone your SS would otherwise like to emulate, to grow up to be like? Is it the case the teacher might get better control of the class if he were some kind of legend delivering engaging lessons, cracking jokes, knowing loads about his subject, being encouraging, being someone everyone looked up to, running after school clubs because he also loves sports/music etc?

My point is that if your SS understands the teacher's motivations coming from a point of weakness then it may be less upsetting for him.

Perhaps you could just show him 100% support and willingness to discuss anything but with zero pressure. If you have a good relationship and you hang out doing other things he'll be able to bring things up if he wants. Is there another relative he hangs out with as well, might be easier for him to open up to them instead. If you pressure him to go to counselling he might see it as you pushing him away and trying to get his behaviour 'fixed' rather than supporting him.

I agree not to pressurise anything, but there are organisations that could support OP in how to help her SS also, it's not about forcing anything, thats why they exist.

It does very much sound like shes already showing him 100% support, also following his wish not to discuss - but it just might be a bit more complex than that for him. The fact that he hasn't been able to even tell his friends about his mum and this has been several years now (?) It just sounds like it could possibly be a trauma block, and a little help finding his voice might be all he needs to open up more....its a difficult one.

OP I'm sure you'll do what's best and really hope this thread helps in some way, even just for a bit of moral x

14/15 is such a hard age for any kid never mind one who has lost a parent. Your poor dss, he is obviously struggling with grief and his loss is maybe just hitting him now. English teacher is triggering his emotions and dss is struggling to contain them and is getting angry, totally understandable. I would be into school first thing tomorrow and be having serious words with teacher and make it clear how high you will take it if it happens again! Your poor dss, nice to see you have his back

I agree not being able to tell his friends must be really tough, I can't imagine what it's like. And of course using the relevant organizations is a good idea. Getting him counselling might be the best thing but if you take him out to lunch and then mention the counselling session you've pre-booked next door he will view it all as controlling and subterfuge. I guess the organizations have the best ideas but what about booking a session for him and just saying something like 'Most people would do it, go if you want, it's up to you.'

He told his best friend from primary school that his mum was very sick but he doesn't go to the Same secondary school.

I'm going to phone the school today but I can't go in first thing as husband has a meeting first thing because of work.

SS did say that at first the teacher was nice (for the first few weeks of year 7) but then he started picking on him when he forgot his homework.

I'd be having a meeting with the Year head and looking into therapies for teens and discussing it with him. .

Teen years are hellish anyway without going through the grief of missing his mum. Poor boy, my heart goes out to him.

I will speak to the head of year. Who else would be best to talk to if he isn't available as he usually isn't

I would ask for head of Pastoral care , Deputy Head or even the Head.Lay it on thick that it is urgent.
When you speak to them, I would emhasise that the teacher refers to his (late) mother so often that at least one child thought that the teacher and his mother were together and the teacher was goading DSS. Say that you know it is a ridiculous suggestion but that is how the pupils view it.

@bexci have you written all of this down?

If you could bullet point a timeline it would show a chain of events around this teachers behaviour and everything you and your SS have done to try and rectify it, a 'Cause and effect' list? (meetings with the form tutor, outcome, meeting with the teacher, detailing his attitude, outcome, so on).
Also very important to do this with what has happened in his classes (especially include the outcome after class when the other pupil taunted him and any other occasion like it).

I am so fucking disgusted by the behaviour of this teacher that I daren't comment on it.

Thank goodness the poor kid has you and his Dad behind him

No i haven't written it down but I can't remember all the times that his teacher has been bullying him. Yesterday he told one of the members of SLT about the teacher (after ss pushed the boy) and he said that he didn't believe him because a teacher wouldn't bully a student and asked him why he was lying because he'll be in more trouble.

I would ask for head of Pastoral care , Deputy Head or even theHead.

Yes, speak to someone very high up. Also ask them what safeguarding policies have been in place over the last few years, as it should have been key part of your son's file after a loss of a parent. All teachers would have been briefed on his personal situation, so it's quite unbelievable that this teacher has continuously forgotten for 4 years straight. Even more so that this hasn't got back to SLT before now.

I was bullied by a teacher at primary school after my Mum left us. It broke me as a person in many ways. Please escalate this as high and as quickly as you can op. My thoughts are with you all, you sound like you're a great Mum to him.

I'd be ignoring the 'escalation' protocol if I were you now OP, start from the top and let them work down to the teacher- you've already tried the other way and it sounds like they've just kept it in house and made no changes for the better whatsoever-

I'd start with the Head of school, I'd also start emailing to keep records. Ask the school secretary, without going in to detail if asked, to give you a copy of their complaints procedure- it should contain contact details for Governors-

This is advice re dealing with school I had on an anti bullying course for teens in case you find it helpful:

Email head of year briefly outline the issue and ask for an appointment to discuss.

If you keep it informal and verbal it will take longer to resolve and you will find it harder if things don't work out as they promised

After any meeting email back starting with 'thank you for the meeting, this is just to confirm that we have agreed ....'. Keep it short, use bullet points of actions 'The school will...At home we will....'

If you are not sure of the email address for h.o.y ring school and ask ( you don't need to say why).

Good luck

I'll send an email if I can find it on the website. The school have a thing called the sharp system should I report it via that if I can't find the email address or phone the school and ask for the email address?

Make a complaint.

I Lost my mum at 12. My maths teacher did this to me. As well as a couple of others. I struggled and they were awful to me.

I’m 40 and I’ve never got over it. My life has been a misery.

My dad didn’t believe me and said I was attention seeking.

Step in an sort it out for him, please.