To be worried about my SS

[bexci]

I've just signed up as really need some advice as im worried about my stepson.

He's nearly 15 and in year 10. He lives with me and his dad. His mum passed away due to cancer when he was nearly 9. He seemed to cope ok but I don't think he really understood that he wouldn't see her again. But as he's got older he's started to get more upset/it's started to affect him more.

He also feels like his English teacher is making fun of him as a few weeks ago when it was the anniversary of his mum's death he went to school (me and his dad weren't going to send him but he wanted to go) and he started crying and his English teacher told him to stop crying because he's 14 not 4. And he always says things like call your mum and get her to bring your homework, is your mum not coming to parents evening, if you don't behave I'm going to call your mum etc. his English teacher knows about his mum passing away and he has been his English teacher since year 7. And he doesn't mean me as he doesn't call me mum he calls me by my real name.

He also seems to have more of a temper for a few months now. And he's started to try and pick fights with people and has been swearing at teachers (especially his English one). And at home he's started talking back to me and his dad (especially me).

Can I have some advice please?

A formal complaint needs to be made asap.

Your son may also benefit, if he would go from some counselling and some schools have this service there are also books on bereavement for youngsters of all ages.

Most boys seem to get a bit of a short fuse in their teens esp with their parents and so this is prob quite natural (although beastly).

Good luck.

My husband had a meeting with him last year and his teacher said he was rude and disrespectful. But my husband didn't speak to him about him mentioning mum as SS was with us.

Is there a head of pastoral at the school? I would contact the school and ask for a meeting with the head of year and the head of pastoral for you and his dad. Get this sorted once and for all. If you could write a little timeline of incidents with this teacher to help prompt you that might help in the meeting. There's no excuse for this, I feel dreadful for your step son. There's no point trying to involve the head or governors yet, until you've tried the people responsible for pastoral issues. Good luck.

@Taddda a few people in his class ask why his teacher always mentions his mum but this boy today kept following him and wouldn't leave him alone.

This is heartbreaking. Please follow the advice given re taking this higher. It's shocking a teacher would behave this way

"My husband had a meeting with him last year and his teacher said he was rude and disrespectful. But my husband didn't speak to him about him mentioning mum as SS was with us."

He needs to have a meeting with him without SS there ASAP!

Please don't send him in tomorrow. I'd consider finding him a new school. But in the meantime you need a meeting with the headteacher and say you won't send him in until you are assured this bullying will stop.

I'll phone the school tomorrow. He probably will say he wants to go to school if we try to keep him off.

This is disgusting, horrible behaviour from the “teacher” your poor stepson, this is bullying, take this further with the head, make as much fuss as it takes.

That’s awful OP. And the HOS saying he probably just forgets. If someone had spoken to me about a pupil about something like this, I’d be utterly mortified, would apologise and would be damn sure NEVER to do it again. So, that this hasn’t happened makes it even worse.
Complain to HT and if that doesn’t sort it Chair of Govs.
It is awful that a child has to lose a parent, never mind have it thrown back at them like that.
SS may be disrespectful and rude, but there is ZERO excuse for an adult behaving like that to a bereaved child.

We will complain tomorrow. I don't think he is rude and disrespectful in every English lesson.

I'd probably be encouraging my son to reply My Mum is Dead every single time he brings it up until that dipshit gets the message

This is bad enough I would be going above the school, your local councillor, education board and his professional body. He has repeatedly behaved in a completely unacceptable way and shouldn't be in a classroom.

My DD had problems with an English teacher and when I made it clear I was going to make an official complaint they very quickly managed to find a new class for her.

I'd phone tomorrow and speak to the teacher perhaps hear first what's actually going on. Then look for support.

Awful behaviour from the teacher. I’m so sorry for your son- no wonder your son is rude to his teacher I would be rude too (and I’m a teacher!)

He wouldn't say his mum is dead everytime as no one in his class know even his friends don't.

The teacher should be in massive trouble for this. And rightly so.

I manage to remember the kids who have lost parents (and which parent), who is Looked After, who is in family foster care, local authority, who has court order prohibiting a certain family member from getting information or collecting them, etc, and if I'm massively busy and in a rush, so don't trust my memory 100% for any reason, I'll say something like 'Ask at Home' or if needing to express disapproval of something 'Do I need to call Home about this?'.

1200 kids. I've not fucked up yet. If I can do it when I might see somebody once a week for ten minutes (and might not have ever seen them before, but I ask their name and that reminds me immediately), somebody who sees a child repeatedly through the week has absolutely NO FUCKING EXCUSE.

I think that the complaint should be made at the very least to the Head, but preferably to the Governors, as this isn't forgetting (as nobody should be so shit that they can't remember after this length of time). It's deliberate disrespect, effectively saying that your SS is so insignificant that he can't even be fucked to remember something so important.

He wouldn't say his mum is dead everytime as no one in his class know even his friends don't.

None of his friends know his mum has passed away? None that knew him from primary or have ever been to your house?

Perhaps you should encourage him to be more open about it, so he can find support with his classmates.

I’ll take it higher. I’ll take to our local MP if I had to. That’s appalling. Your poor, SS.

I know you said he isn't interested in taking, but should things change Cruse do bereavement couselling for children, which helped DN.
DN was in reception when DSiL died but DB left it a while before asking for their help.

change schools.
don't waste your and his time and emotional energy on this. leave it.
why should he put up with this. if this was a workplace wouldn't you want to move.
and i do not agree with whoever said he ought to tell his classmates about his personal circumstances. there is no reason why he ought to do anything. it's his private information. no one else's business.

I wouldn't advertise it to his peers, as although some might be kind, there are always some who would go for the jugular every time - I've hoiked both boys and girls out of class for a bollocking from a Deputy Head before now for such lovely comments as 'What are you doing for Mother's Day? Oh, nothing, cos your Mum's DEAD' or 'MY Mum's coming to the end of term show. Who's going to come for you?'. The biggest bollocking came when I walked into a classroom to find somebody with a long white shirt (drama prop) making ghost noises and saying WOOOO! I'm 'Nathan's' Mum!'. Hearing the offender's mother defending that one later as 'Just Banter', I have to say that being a Cunt is learned at an early age by some.

So I'd go with your SS's wish to keep it quiet.

He didn't tell anyone at primary school. And if he has friends round (very rarely) they don't ask anything.

We have gone with him not wanting anyone from school to know. It was harder to keep it quiet at primary school though as his mum passed away just as he went into year 4 and when they made mothers day cards he always did something different and his friends asked him why.

We would change schools but not sure if he would want to as he's got friends etc and he might think it would be hard to move in the middle of year 10.

He didn't tell anyone at primary school.

So none of the other parents knew? I'm surprised. At our primary school no one could sneeze without all the parents and kids knowing about it some how. Very surprised not one child has picked up on the fact he's lost a parent in such a horrible way, never mind a teacher not remembering the fact after several years.