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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inconsiderate Men on maternity ward!

526 replies

busylifebusywife · 11/12/2019 16:20

I've had a placenta abruption and I'm currently on bed rest on the maternity ward that women go to for induction and when the are poorly during pregnancy.

My hospital has new rules where partners can stay over night which is fine I don't really mind, what I do mind is that some of the men especially seem to be so inconsiderate! Having their mobiles going off on loud constantly playing there devices at full wack, getting there male friends to visit. Yesterday two guys in the cubical next to me decided to lift the curtain completely up and go underneath it exposing me and just laugh about it.

Now I'm not a midwife but I do know for a women's labour to progress nicely they need to feel secure and relaxed. How is this creating that environment?

I really don't mind male visitors or males staying on the ward over night I just wish they would be more courteous of others.

I'm starting to get really upset by it as I'm in a lot of pain and supposed to be on bed rest.

AIBU?

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 11/12/2019 21:22

I’m so angry for you OP. And for all you others who have experienced this shit. And I’m sorry for anyone else who disagrees but no, men should not be there outside of visiting hours. A woman should not be having vaginal exams carried out and discussed a metre away from a strange man who has a habit of lifting her curtain up! Angry disgraceful. The staff need to grow a collective backbone and deal with it.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 11/12/2019 21:22

Men’s equality?

What on Earth????

Women’s rights have been totally eroded.

Prevegen4U · 11/12/2019 21:26

I had my babies in the US and had a private room with my own bathroom.

I am shocked men are allowed to live in the same room room with new mothers that are not related to them and that they line up for food with the same new mothers and use the patient's shower and toilet. Men will often piss and shit all over the seat, maybe even stand on it, and on that same seat a woman with an open wound is expected to sit. What the fuck is wrong with the NHS to allow this? It is disgusting and third worldly.

beautifulstranger101 · 11/12/2019 21:27

OMG I would raise hell. I'd shout/scream at them and embarrass them and complain to the ward sister. Thats appallingly juvenile behaviour from grown men in a hospital setting who should bloody know better. Complain to the ward manager and tell them you'll be making a formal complaint. That usually gets them to act.

MorganKitten · 11/12/2019 21:28

In what other scenario do opposite sex partners get to kip with their partner overnight on a ward?

My dad did regularly while my mum was in a coma, ICU, after operations to her brain. As did I.

Furiosa · 11/12/2019 21:35

You will get kicked out of a campsite for being being noisy at night. Why the hell are maternity wards fair game.

I witnessed a really sad site with my last. On PN ward and woman was admitted with her baby and her DS (11? 12?). Dad rocked up late. Baby was sleeping and mum fell asleep eventually too. Dad slept in a chair and snored loudly while this poor boy sat at the end of his mums bed twiddling his thumbs. It took hours for the mw to wake dad up and leave with the boy Sad.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 11/12/2019 21:35

What the fuck is wrong with the NHS to allow this?

^This!!!

It’s fucking bonkers.

I’m not sure if times have changed very rapidly or the hospital I was in retains its right to practise common sense but my partner wasn’t even allowed to use the toilet in my delivery room when I had DS 10 years ago and visiting hours were strictly adhered to. He was chased out of my private side ward at 10.00pm by the midwife on the night DS was born.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 11/12/2019 21:37

this poor boy sat at the end of his mums bed twiddling his thumbs.

Sad poor boy!

Katvic · 11/12/2019 21:41

But on the other hand... I had a stroke during the birth of my DD. My husband stayed with me for the 10 day stay that followed. He held me close when I sobbed with despair. He was with me for that bleak New Year's Eve when the future seemed to have imploded. He wheeled me to the loo, and supported me while I peed. He went with me to the MRI. He reassured me as best he could, when the consultants confirmed the clot in my brain. He cradled my baby close so I could breast-feed, when my useless right arm wouldn't hold her. He changed her nappies. He queued for my food.

The one day he wasn't there, I was left without food. They forgot.
They put the water accidentally out of reach.
They kept promising to come back to help me to the loo. I wet the bed...

But he was there when I finally managed to wiggle my toes almost imperceptibly... and when the miracle started to happen... and he walked at a snail's pace along the corridors, with me on the Zimmer frame, willing me on.

I don't know what I would have done without him.

KatharinaRosalie · 11/12/2019 21:48

Katvic but those things should not have happened - it's really not normal that you have to bring someone to get your food and help you to toilet while you are actually in an actual hospital. it's a disgrace that instead of proper funding, patients are expected to take those tasks over. What if you were a single mum without any family?

Katvic · 11/12/2019 21:53

@Katharina yes... but.... No nurse - however willing - could have been there for me like he was. They were simply too busy. And we had so much fear, so much need for company, to cling to each other, to work out what in heaven's name we were going to do with a new-born I couldn't even pick up. Can you not understand that to send him away at that point would have left me completely isolated, afraid and unable to do the slightest thing for myself or my child without pressing that wretched bell?

Ifeelinclined · 11/12/2019 21:53

@Katvic it seems like your experience just highlights even more how subpar women's maternity care is. I'm so sorry that you were left without food and not cared for when you husband wasn't there, but I don't believe that the solution is to have husbands doing work that medical professionals should be doing.

Smilebehappy123 · 11/12/2019 21:54

I had my daughter in march and I actually posted a similar thread about this
Men stayed overnight on the ward , snoring, farting and generally making a nuisance
Like a previous poster said iv no idea why they are there , I sent my husband home around 9pm every night and he came back the next day
Iv no idea why they need to be there overnight and should be banned
I couldn't even go the toilet in privacy on my ears and 8/9 men visited the lady opposite me every day , no idea who the father of that child was
Was is the actual reason men stay overnight on these wards for ????

Smilebehappy123 · 11/12/2019 21:56

Katvic I think your situation is unique in that you should of had a side room and all the help you need
However a routine birth with no complications no way should men be on the ward overnight it's so uncomfortable for the women. I hated the fact that men could come and go as they please

Angelw · 11/12/2019 21:57

I’d hit the roof! I would also make a formal complaint directly to the unit matron.

KatharinaRosalie · 11/12/2019 22:00

Katvic you (and other women in situations where they need constant assistance) should be the ones given private rooms then. Allowing everybody to have their extended families overnight on wards is not an answer.

Katvic · 11/12/2019 22:02

@Ifeelinclined True enough, but leaving that aside, I truly am grateful that I was able to have the man I love by my side at a moment of potential catastrophe for myself and my family. Would you really wish that he had been sent away so that I could lie there alone for hours on end fretting and agonizing over what was going to happen? Should I really have been rationed to a few hours' contact each day, and left to cope as best I could for the rest of the time? To me that sounds like cruel punishment.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 11/12/2019 22:04

Perhaps the solution is to have two wards. One where men are permitted to stay and one where they aren’t. Separate bathrooms, showers etc for the two wards. Women can ask for the ward of their choice.

Katvic · 11/12/2019 22:05

@Katharina, @Smile - Got to agree with you there. It would have been so much better - especially given the conversations in open ward with just the curtains closed. Everyone knows your business. It made it awkward and embarrassing.

Ifeelinclined · 11/12/2019 22:05

No, of course not @Katvic! What a terrible situation for you and so scary. You should have had both a private room and proper care. Then your husband could stay and support you and the medical care could be handled by the medical professionals. I hope you are doing better now.

Ifeelinclined · 11/12/2019 22:11

Also, @Katvic, I hope I didn't upset you. I can't imagine how stressful that situation must have been. I certainly didn't intend to imply that you should have been left alone and suffering. I'm sorry if my wording was clumsy.

Katvic · 11/12/2019 22:13

@Ifeelinclined Was a few years ago now, and nearly all my mobility came back. I was very lucky indeed. Thanks for your good wishes.

Miranda15110 · 11/12/2019 22:16

You might be able to pay for a single occupancy room. Our hospital allow this if there are rooms free. It used to be around £20 per night. Well worth it.

Pulpfiction1 · 11/12/2019 22:20

Your dh doesn't need to be with you unless you are in active labour. And these blokes don't want to be there, that's why they are behaving like such tools. You're giving birth so you need to be a big girl and sleep in the hospital on your own. If you can't manage that then pay to go private.

Aridane · 11/12/2019 22:20

*Awful, but not all men are like this. My husband wouldn't dream of that(

No, no, no & no

I don't care how lovely your husband or, regrettably, how much @HulksPurplePanties believed she 'needed' her partner.

It's a bloody maternity ward, not a mixed sex hostel.

What's wrong with visiting hours? When in the gynae oncology ward, we were in a single sex ward, with visiting hours (extended) and all visitors expelled at the end of visiting time. There was also a cap on the number of visitors per patient.

One night, a patient's partner tried to stay beyond visiting hours for the night - the nurse gave him short shrift, explaining not just that visiting hours were over but it was a single sex ward with vulnerable female patients.

Exceptions were made when on occasion one of us received a terminal diagnosis - ie transfer to own room so partner / relative could stay the night to comfort following shock of diagnosis.

But otherwise no, just no.

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