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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

12 yr old DS wants to invite a girl-friend for a sleepover!

81 replies

Watchagotcha · 11/12/2019 11:56

Eek! We have just got into having sleepovers recently, and DS has had a few with his best friends. He's recently been mentioning a particular girl in his class a lot, and he's just asked if he can invite her to our place for a sleepover! I have never met her or her parents. He claims that her parents are fine with it, and equally fine with him going to hers for a sleepover.

I have said a categorical no, on the basis that I haven't ever met her or her parents, and suggested that he invite her over during the day a few times instead before even contemplating sleepovers. But my gut says its totally inappropriate - and I can't believe that a 12 yr old girl's parents would just wave her off, overnight, to the house of someone that they've never met!!

DS has asked me why is it different to invite his female friend rather than his male friends - to him, they are all just friends. He's always had lots of female friends so he's very used to hanging out with them, and he doesn't seem to be at all shy in female company. He says she is just a friend.

What words do I use to explain why I am not okay with this? Is it just down to the fear that they will start to experiment with sex if they are in a room together overnight? That's such a big assumption to make, and I think he would be disgusted if I suggested that! But what other reason is there to veto a male/female sleepover?

OP posts:
Original poster
Watchagotcha · 11/12/2019 11:58

So my AIBU is: AIBU to say no?

Sorry I meant to turn off the voting thing.

OP posts:
Lulualla · 11/12/2019 11:59

Those are the reasons. It doesn't matter if he is disgusted by them or annoyed by them. He's 12.

He is old enough to be told that, even though boys may experiment together, it isn't the same as a boy and girl experimenting together. Purely by the biological fact that he is Male, he has more physical power over a girl and can do more damage. A 12 year old girl may not feel confident enough to say no and may not be mature enough to make those decision so she should not be put in the position of being at risk, and she would be at risk if sleeping alone with a boy.

EvaHarknessRose · 11/12/2019 12:00

What about 'males and females don't generally share rooms after puberty for their own privacy'

recrudescence · 11/12/2019 12:02

Explain your reasons and offer a separate rooms option instead?

Original poster
Watchagotcha · 11/12/2019 12:07

@recrudesence

We don't have a spare room, our two boys share a bedroom as it is. That would make a difference though.

OP posts:
Scarlettpixie · 11/12/2019 12:10

Get him to invite her round without the sleepover bit.

peachescariad · 11/12/2019 12:11

DS2 had a girl best mate when he was 12 - he had a couple of sleepovers at hers and vice versa. However, I had met her and her mum.
I didn't have any issues with it.

FabbyChix · 11/12/2019 12:12

My son used to stay at his girlfriends 18 years ago when 11 - he slep in her brothers room with him

oohyoudevilyou · 11/12/2019 12:22

DS sleeps downstairs with his brother and the girl has his room. No sharing rooms with opposite sex friends after puberty, unless they're both over 16 and in an exclusive relationship (that's the rule in our house, anyway).

Ohyesiam · 11/12/2019 12:25

Tell him your reasons, he can be disgusted if he wants, but why fudge it?

I8toys · 11/12/2019 12:37

My son has a large group of friends - male and female. He has had mixed sleepovers downstairs however for the last year. We have two living rooms with plenty of sofas.

One to one is a bit different and I would let them have a sleepover but separate them somehow.

HamAndPineapple · 11/12/2019 12:39

I'd just say no. I wouldn't trip myself up explaining it.

A friend was in a similar situation, two eleven year olds were having sleep overs and they were in the habit of it, then suddenly when they were 13, the parents had to take stock and say 'no' and it caused a bit of righteous indignation (of course) but better righteous indignation than two 13 year olds having a baby.

BeatriceTheBeast · 11/12/2019 12:41

So she would be staying with the two boys? I wouldn't agree to this.

Just explain and say she's welcome to come for daytime visits but no sleepovers.

Mumdiva99 · 11/12/2019 12:50

I faced similar last year...son wanted his 11 birthday sleepover with 4 boys and 1 girl. She's our friend and has always been included....but I suddenly thought although I and her mum are fine with it the other parents might not be... And moving forward this could be a challenge. I put off the sleepover because of it.....I don't know the right answer but my gut says separate rooms from secondary school age.

delineateddelinquent · 11/12/2019 13:00

My son used to stay at his girlfriends 18 years ago when 11 - he slep in her brothers room with him

Sorry but I’d still say absolutely no to that.

OP, I’d be very straight with him and explain the facts of life and stick to your guns.

sarahjconnor · 11/12/2019 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrenchJunebug · 11/12/2019 13:15

basic safeguarding from what? agree to the sleepover but make them sleep in the living room and make sure the other parents are ok with it.

Bluntness100 · 11/12/2019 13:18

I'd be fine with this and have actually allowed it. If they are just friends they are just friends, making the leap they will start shagging is a bit much and if they are going to do that then they certainly don't need a sleep over

Purpleartichoke · 11/12/2019 13:23

No sleepovers that could result in pregnancy, no matter how unlikely that might be.

Suggest alternative visits. There are plenty of ways the friends can hang out.

rattusrattus20 · 11/12/2019 13:25

it's not ok for them to share a room. you don't really need to explain this.

i suppose if he has a sister it might be ok for the two girls to share.

IHaveBrilloHair · 11/12/2019 13:29

I allowed Dd at that age, but her friend was gay and I'd met him loads of times, though not his parents.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 11/12/2019 13:43

and I can't believe that a 12 yr old girl's parents would just wave her off, overnight, to the house of someone that they've never met!!

neither can I, it's shocking.

I am not against sleep overs, we have enough friends - or friends of my kids - who come and spend a weekend or even a week, but it doesn't feel the same way, it's not a sleepover for the sake of one.

It would be a big fat no from me. A 12 years old is old enough to understand that boys and girls are not the same - you change for PE in front of your mates, not in the middle of the girls changing room. You also use separate toilets. It's not a hard concept!

FrenchJunebug · 11/12/2019 14:04

Genuinely bemused by the answers. Do you think boys and girls can't be friends? that left on their own they will have sex? They are having a sleepover not getting naked in front of each others.

LucyLocketss · 11/12/2019 14:10

@FrenchJunebug I do indeed think girls and boys can be friends. I would veto a sleepover because I wouldn't have my 13 year old son put in any position whatsoever where the consequences could be grave. I'd hope you'd feel the same way about your son or daughter. It's just being sensible - and I speak as the mum of a DS who is kind, caring and wouldn't dream in a million years of making a girl 'friend' feel uncomfortable - he himself would be uncomfortable with the scenario laid out in the OP

Fine for tea. Not fine for sleeping over

peachescariad · 11/12/2019 14:18

Interesting view points on here...you do realise that the Girl Guiding Association, the YHA and residential school trips would allow trans girls to sleep in girls accommodation and they don't have to notify parents....