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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

12 yr old DS wants to invite a girl-friend for a sleepover!

81 replies

Watchagotcha · 11/12/2019 11:56

Eek! We have just got into having sleepovers recently, and DS has had a few with his best friends. He's recently been mentioning a particular girl in his class a lot, and he's just asked if he can invite her to our place for a sleepover! I have never met her or her parents. He claims that her parents are fine with it, and equally fine with him going to hers for a sleepover.

I have said a categorical no, on the basis that I haven't ever met her or her parents, and suggested that he invite her over during the day a few times instead before even contemplating sleepovers. But my gut says its totally inappropriate - and I can't believe that a 12 yr old girl's parents would just wave her off, overnight, to the house of someone that they've never met!!

DS has asked me why is it different to invite his female friend rather than his male friends - to him, they are all just friends. He's always had lots of female friends so he's very used to hanging out with them, and he doesn't seem to be at all shy in female company. He says she is just a friend.

What words do I use to explain why I am not okay with this? Is it just down to the fear that they will start to experiment with sex if they are in a room together overnight? That's such a big assumption to make, and I think he would be disgusted if I suggested that! But what other reason is there to veto a male/female sleepover?

OP posts:
andpancakesforbreakfast · 11/12/2019 14:22

Of course they can be friends. It's just totally inappropriate to have a sleepover in these circumstances.

The OP doesn't even know the parents!

There are posters on here who get absolutely outraged, shocked, upset on your behalf, disgusted because the father of a friend (so a MAN) gave their daughter a lift home! Boys need to understand early that they have to thread so very carefully nowadays. Unless you are friends with the parents, it's just nut to allow it.

I would be wary of parents who are happy for a 12 year old child to have a sleep over in a house where they haven't even met the parents.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 11/12/2019 14:23

you do realise that the Girl Guiding Association, the YHA and residential school trips would allow trans girls to sleep in girls accommodation

not being notified is totally unacceptable
and I would refuse for my girls to join in.

oohyoudevilyou · 11/12/2019 14:26

you do realise that the Girl Guiding Association, the YHA and residential school trips would allow trans girls to sleep in girls accommodation and they don't have to notify parents....
Yes, and I vehemently disagree with the policy.
we do have control in our own homes, though, hence our family have a rule that boys and girls don't share a room unless they're both over 16 and in an established relationship. Not had to consider the trans issue, yet.

FrenchJunebug · 11/12/2019 14:32

LucyLocketss but OP's son is comfortable about having a friend who is a girl on a sleepover and so is the girl. Get to know the parents of the girl absolutely but to say that such a sleepover is dangerous or could lead to pregnancy as other posters have said means you are suggesting to kids (and at 12 they are still kids) that boys and girls cannot be trusted at night together. It is sad and wrong in my opinion.

LemonPrism · 11/12/2019 15:32

Fuck no. He's at high school. I know girls who lost their virginity at 11.... js and I was in a nice area

LemonPrism · 11/12/2019 15:33

Although thinking about it DP was the only boy in a group of 6 girls and was allowed sleepovers. He's straight and they're all close still and to me. Although he did actually sleep with one of them so.... hmmm a question for the ages

NKFell · 11/12/2019 15:37

I think if you and her parents knew each other it would make a difference. My niece (17) has had the same group of friends since Yr7 and it includes 4 girls and 1 boy. He has slept over numerous times and usually ends up with hd brows or his nails painted. But, my DSis is very close friends with his Mum and after all this time it’s clear he’s seen as ‘one of the girls’.

So, what I’m getting at is that it’s a case by case thing! In your case I’d say no.

LucyLocketss · 11/12/2019 15:38

I'm not suggesting that at all @FrenchJunebug

My son is only just 13 and he's still 'little.' As in, he plays with some toys, he's young ish for his age. I'd have no qualms whatsoever about him being alone with a girl overnight from a purely innocent point of view

But I don't invite trouble where trouble could possibly loom. This is so so easily avoided. And what parent allows their 12 year old DD to sleep at a boys house who they don't know? Are you saying you think this is ok?

You crack on in your own little world and with your own views on stuff and I'll crack on with how I do things. We don't have to agree.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 11/12/2019 15:57

boys and girls don't share a room unless they're both over 16 and in an established relationship.

at 16! I would definitively not allow one of mine to have their boy/girl friend overnight at that age!

Teateaandmoretea · 11/12/2019 16:02

It's fine for girls and boys to be friends but not have sleepovers. Baffled by the mixed sleepovers that won't be happening in my house - I need to make sure dd and the other children are safe.

Yanbu at all OP.

ForalltheSaints · 11/12/2019 16:02

EvaHarknessRose best response I can think of, and it protects the DS from any accusations from the parent of the young woman.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 11/12/2019 16:04

FrenchJunebug
and at 12 they are still kids

I couldn't agree more about that, but it's also true that many have started puberty, many girls have periods. Kids ,but not too young to learn boundaries and what is acceptable.

12 year old boys are no longer allowed in women's changing room for a start.

maggieryan · 11/12/2019 16:07

Just tell him no and thats it. Why would her parents let her come to your house and havent met you, that is just mad.

Chocolatemouse84 · 11/12/2019 16:08

This is something I'm worried about for the future. My son is in year 6 at school and has always had 2 best friends who are girls. I'm worried that as they get older, their parents won't be happy with him joining in in things like this. I wouldn't have a problem with them coming over for sleepovers and all sleeping together in the living room, but I can see why other parents may take issues with it.

FrenchJunebug · 11/12/2019 16:21

but we are not talking about two kids getting naked together but sharing an evening together and both are comfortable with it. Anyway I have three years before I am being faced with the situation but would be happy for my son to have a girl over for a sleepover if all parties and the parents are happy with it.

IHaveBrilloHair · 11/12/2019 16:24

I'm not entirely sure what my DD would have got up to with a boy who is gay?Confused

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 11/12/2019 16:24

Say as she’s a girl she’d need a separate room, as boys & girls don’t share rooms and you don’t have space but she can come over for the day

IHaveBrilloHair · 11/12/2019 16:26

Btw they changed in the bathroom, but then she did the same when she had female friends staying over, she didn't get changed in front of me either, young teens tend to be private about their bodies.

SuperheroBirds · 11/12/2019 16:35

When I was a teenager (90’s/00s) my friendship group had mixed sex sleepovers. But there was a group of us, never just one boy and one girl, and we all slept in the living room. There was never any funny business as we really were just all friends.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 11/12/2019 16:46

but would be happy for my son to have a girl over for a sleepover if all parties and the parents are happy with it.

It's your son you need to protect here, it doesn't matter if it's all innocence and rainbow, boys need to learn. There are enough of hysterical threads against any male on this forum to show you why. I have never met any of this nonsense in real life, but I am still wary for my boys.

Pinktornado · 11/12/2019 16:52

Two 13-year-olds in the class below me had a baby together when I was at school. There was a sleepover-type party involved as I recall. YANBU.

Original poster
Watchagotcha · 11/12/2019 17:02

Thanks all. I’m not surprised this has stirred up different responses (albeit the majority saying «hell no!» with various caveats).

OP posts:
andpancakesforbreakfast · 11/12/2019 17:11

It seems that quite a few posters who would be "happy with it" don't even have children of that age yet...

Meggie2008 · 11/12/2019 17:15

My best friend as a kid was a boy, and I'd stay over at his regularly.
I'd get given his room to sleep and and he'd sleep on a camp bed in his brothers room.

bridgetreilly · 11/12/2019 17:20

One thing I would point out to him is that teenagers can change very quickly and suddenly with respect to hormones, general puberty, and sexual feelings. You don't want to set a precedent now that it's fine for her to sleepover, when none of you know if or when that might suddenly change and be really awkward.

What if he had a wet dream, for instance? Would he be fine with that? Or if she got her period overnight?