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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

12 yr old DS wants to invite a girl-friend for a sleepover!

81 replies

Watchagotcha · 11/12/2019 11:56

Eek! We have just got into having sleepovers recently, and DS has had a few with his best friends. He's recently been mentioning a particular girl in his class a lot, and he's just asked if he can invite her to our place for a sleepover! I have never met her or her parents. He claims that her parents are fine with it, and equally fine with him going to hers for a sleepover.

I have said a categorical no, on the basis that I haven't ever met her or her parents, and suggested that he invite her over during the day a few times instead before even contemplating sleepovers. But my gut says its totally inappropriate - and I can't believe that a 12 yr old girl's parents would just wave her off, overnight, to the house of someone that they've never met!!

DS has asked me why is it different to invite his female friend rather than his male friends - to him, they are all just friends. He's always had lots of female friends so he's very used to hanging out with them, and he doesn't seem to be at all shy in female company. He says she is just a friend.

What words do I use to explain why I am not okay with this? Is it just down to the fear that they will start to experiment with sex if they are in a room together overnight? That's such a big assumption to make, and I think he would be disgusted if I suggested that! But what other reason is there to veto a male/female sleepover?

OP posts:

WWlOOlWW · 11/12/2019 18:55

My now 17 yr old DS has always only had girls as friends. He has had girls sleeping over since he was in primary .. sometimes just one friend but it is usually a group of girls.

When he went to secondary a couple of the mums were a bit when their daughters asked if my son could also stay on their sleep overs and he was asked to leave before the sleep over began.. but once they met him and got to know him they have all been happy to have him sleep over at theirs and for their daughters to stay at mine. I've even taken two of them separately on holiday with me.. where they shared a room with each other.

When I was a kid I used to have male friends sleeping over.. nothing ever happened they were friends.

JKScot4 · 11/12/2019 22:13

Asked my DD14 her opinion and she was stunned parents allow this, absolute no no, more from a what other kids say, girl staying alone at a boys would get talked about and not in a nice way, she says nobody would dream of even asking this.
Letting them sleep in living room isn’t a magic safeguard, you’ll need to go to bed yourself at some point and leave them alone.

IHaveBrilloHair · 11/12/2019 23:12

What the other kids say?
Like what, towards a gay guy and his female friend.
Oh, I know he had not nice things said about him, luckily nothing too bad and he had a great friendship group surrounding him, but I was not going to stop him doing anything Dd did with her female friends, including sleepovers.

Tinnedpeachesandcream · 11/12/2019 23:22

I went to a village primary and secondary school so had known all my school friends forever. By the time we were in the 6th form we were all having parties and sleepovers where we all just slept on the floor in someone’s living room and our parents thought nothing of it as we’d all known each other since infant school. However one on one sleepovers would feel very different I think and I know my mum wouldn’t have allowed that. I wouldn’t either as a parent.

HamAndPineapple · 11/12/2019 23:26

The naivety of some people, obviously it's not a given that they'll have sex but if you're blind to the possibility............

I slept with the Spanish student at 17

MsPavlichenko · 11/12/2019 23:50

Yes. Twelve years old are still children. But children ( in the main) who are capable of having sex/experimenting. It's naive to think otherwise. It doesn't mean they are planning to do so. Neither does it mean it won't happen.

Liking/fancying each other a bit plus raging teenage hormones is a potent mix (!). Best not to take any chances in my experience. Having had teenagers myself.

LotteLupin · 11/12/2019 23:59

Um, don't tell me a 12 yr old boy and girl don't know it's a bit weird to have a sleepover in the same room. They have instincts without a doubt.

I would have just said straight up to my son when he was 12 that no, that's inappropriate now at your age.

She could come over. Sleep in a different room (on a different floor!), but tbh I wouldn't leave them alone for even 5 mins in a bedroom.

They are not just kids. They are kids transitioning into young adults. Too potent a mix.

JKScot4 · 12/12/2019 00:01

@IHaveBrilloHair
There’s no mention of him being gay 🙄
Yes kids/teenagers are cruel, get out your cool mum bubble.

MysweetAudrina · 12/12/2019 00:05

My dd is 11 and a tom boy. She regularly has boy friends sleeping her and she sleeps there. Friends are friends I don't discriminate on the basis of their sex.

thatguiltyfeeling · 12/12/2019 00:12

Haven't read the full thread and I have a daughter so am probably thinking a little differently but my reasoning would be that you won't be allowing girlfriends to stay when he starts getting them for the sexual element and so you don't want to blur lines and have just friends that are girls stay when you won't be allowing girlfriends?
I won't be allowing boys to stay over when the time comes/they hit puberty unless we have a spare bedroom and the goings in and out can be monitored easily ie we can hear them walking around. It won't matter whether my daughter is straight, gay, or asexual, boys can take advantage and I won't risk that. Absolutely not saying your son would take advantage but it can and does happen. Girls can take advantage too, at 12 I was very sexually aware and if I liked a boy maybe being alone in a room with him would have tempted me to kiss him (wouldn't have forced anything) but if she were to kiss him would he feel comfortable enough to say no/stop things moving further?

IHaveBrilloHair · 12/12/2019 00:17

Cool Mum bubble, really?
Far from it, I just saw no reason to stop an innocent sleepover.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 12/12/2019 00:26

I’ve was in a similar situation a little while back with my DD she has always had big sleepovers every now and again sometimes her male cousin the same age has stayed over and slept in her room while the girls slept downstairs on air mattresses no problems at all until she wanted to invite a boy friend i said yes but he sleeps in your bunk beds with your cousin the boy friend when she told him said to her that’s unfair I won’t come then she told me I would of been absolutely fine with him and her cousin sleeping downstairs with my DD but knew it wasn’t my place to make that decision for all the other girls there parents so I said if he dosent want to come because he would have to sleep in your bunks then he can’t come, you can’t make that decision without informing every other parent whose child is there in my mind

JKScot4 · 12/12/2019 00:28

@ihave
Yes maybe in your case but you can’t assume it’s all innocent everywhere else, are you that naive? Her DS has only started taking about this girl so likely a crush, OP has never met her or her parents, it’s called being sensible, plenty 12/13 yr olds experiment they’re not playing Lego ffs! Also safeguarding her DS, herself and anyone else in her home.

Alte · 12/12/2019 00:56

It really does depend on your child. My 14 year old is allowed her gay friend over. I agreed to let her boyfriend stay the night for her 15th birthday in January, and yes things will probably happen but that's just part of being a teenager - they've been together since April anyway so not a new thing. My 12 year old is a lot less mature so she used to have sleepovers with boys all the time, but I think that might stop soon. We used to say separate rooms but I trust them enough now so they can share.

notthenormal · 12/12/2019 00:59

Gosh what a quagmire this thread has raised.
On the one hand there should be no issue with different sex friends sharing a sleeping space when they view each other as friends.
On the other hand we have the social expectation that at/post puberty sexual encounters may happen, but why do we expect that? Do we really think hormones overrule rational thinking?
Yes hormones and desire can take over but if we have developed the rational thinking part of our children during puberty do we really think they will be overwhelmed by hormones or is it the societal expectation that causes the experimentation to take place, And if that was not there would they ?

MsPavlichenko · 12/12/2019 01:23

Teenage hormones do overrule "rational thinking".

Think about what it's like as adult in the first flush of fancying someone/a relationship. All over each other. Without the raging hormones.

Ime. Teenagers(or nearly) often want to do adult stuff. But they're not adults so we need to factor that in when supporting them.

siacolouredthesmallone · 12/12/2019 03:52

My 11 year old daughter and her 10 year old male friend have sleepovers and share a bedroom. We live in a very small house, her room is directly opposite ours, both doors are open. The size of our house, with the 2 doors open, they are practically in the same room as us!! I don't have an issue with it. They are children and they are platonic friends.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 12/12/2019 07:22

On the one hand there should be no issue with different sex friends sharing a sleeping space when they view each other as friends.

when they are ADULTS and make their own decision, not when they are teens under your responsibility.

I find it pretty shocking that on one hand some posters are happy to have a girl/boy friend for a sleepover when they are minor , but the other extreme is posters happy for "innocent" invitations. Both extreme, both wrong.

Would it be weird for your husband to have a sleepover or share a hotel room (2 beds) with a female friend? Well yes, it would. As innocent and friendly as it would be, it's still... very weird. How would it be more acceptable for a teen?

JKScot4 · 12/12/2019 07:31

‘ Do we really think hormones overrule rational thinking?’
Possibly one of the most naive comments I’ve come across on MN.
Do you think young teens always think rationally? 🤣🤣
That’s why we have teen mums, kids getting in all sorts of trouble, school bullies etc
What world do you live in?!?

siacolouredthesmallone · 12/12/2019 07:41

I wouldn't find it weird at all for my partner to share a room with a platonic friend of either sex. In fact he has done with friends of both sexes.

BlaueLagune · 12/12/2019 07:51

I wouldn't have worried about my ds at 12, he was such a young 12. But all kids are different and parents know their kids. It probably also depends on what parents got up to themselves! I was 16 before I even had my first proper kiss, so I can't really conceive of a 12 year old getting up to anything. But as I've said, all kids are different and if you were having sex at 13 you will see things differently for your own kids.

Can't really see the problem with a sleepover at any age where they don't share a room though.

If DS said now he wanted a female friend to stay over (he's 17) I'd say yes but she'd have to sleep on the sofa bed downstairs and I would definitely insist on having contact with her parents to make sure they were happy with it. And yes, being at 6th form college now they are all over the age of consent, but it being legal to do something doesn't make it advisable.

LotteLupin · 13/12/2019 00:13

Well I had same-room sleepovers with a son of my parents' friends when I was 7/8 and he got into bed with me and wanted to be sexual. I think it's just not worth the risk and if they are 12, they are on the cusp or already tipped over into sexually maturing.

Why on earth put them in that situation? Why risk it?

We are the adults and should decide here.

Durgasarrow · 13/12/2019 03:12

I think boys and girls can be friends etc. etc. I also think kids can try to get away with a lot of bullshit. "Nice try," is a full sentence.

Durgasarrow · 13/12/2019 03:13

At least it is when I say it. With an eyeroll.

OneDay10 · 13/12/2019 03:50

yanbu. And I highly doubt her parents are ok with it. Even if they are I would be wondering what type of parents are they that they would allow a boy to sleep over with their 12yo daughter.
Ask him why he is so desperate for her to sleep there when she can just come over to spend time with him when he is awake.

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