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Original poster

To feel bad for being a stay at home mum now the kids are at school..

127 replies

AG29 · 10/12/2019 18:56

Since September both DC have been in school. I’d always hoped I’d be able to work but it’s becoming so hard. I’ve looked into school hour jobs but there doesn’t seem to be much around. I’ve looked into working around my partners hours but due to his shifts I can only commit to a Sunday at the minute, I’ve looked into working from home but again I’m not sure what I’m skilled enough to do. Job opportunities where I live are limited and a lot of casual work is seasonal. What would I do in the holidays? My family don’t help and the local childminders are full (only 2 in the village).

OH works and earns an okay wage, we own our home and we aren’t well off but aren’t really struggling financially either. We have two DC and they both have additional needs which is making it harder. School meetings, appointments, speech therapy etc. OH works shift work.

OH is happy for me to be at home readily available for DC.

But I just feel bad. I feel like society expects me to be working and contributing now they are both in school.

I don’t have many friends. Most days I just stay in and potter around the house. I’m very house proud and spend a lot of the day cleaning. I just feel like I have no purpose anymore.

I would love to work and working in school time is a possibility but how do people manage in the holidays?

OP posts:
ShinyGiratina · 10/12/2019 20:11

A TA job is not 9-3 and does not erase the need for wrap around care.

I'm a SAHM for similar reasons, although it's only recently that DS's SNs have become formally identified. At the point I stopped working, I just knew he hated wrap around care. DH works long hours and can be away and without any other support it was too much for me to work long hours too.

I volunteer with several youth activities and support in the DC's school. Today, I've been headhunted for a lunchtime supervisors job, so my CV isn't completely dead Grin

If you have enough and being a SAHM is what suits the package of family life the best, do what works for your needs.

CaptainButtock · 10/12/2019 20:13

If there are only 2 childminders in the village... how about childminding?

dottiedodah · 10/12/2019 20:14

Just think about 40 odd years ago ,this would not have been at all unusual! Societys expectations always seem to have a habit of gnawing away at us somehow! Why not enjoy being with your family ATM ? Many women tend to try to "do it all" and end up becoming exhausted .If you want a job for your own sake .Sunday working is possible ,I have a friend who does those hours at M and S .She enjoys it but her children are older .

Seaandsand83 · 10/12/2019 20:15

Not unreasonable at all, if it works for you then do it!

Orangeblossom78 · 10/12/2019 20:18

Maybe you could join a class for yourself such as at a college or a sports centre, learn something new? Or learn a new exercise like yoga or pilates - it is good to do something for yourself I imagine with sn kids to look after

RhymingRabbit3 · 10/12/2019 20:27

I have thought about becoming a TA
This may not be easy as there aren't many TA jobs going (school funding cuts) and lots of mums think it's a good idea to get a term time job. Do you have any skills or experience in working with children which might get you ahead in this?
Maybe you could look at volunteering in a school e.g. helping kids with reading or working in the library to get some skills.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 11/12/2019 04:38

It's fine if you don't want to sign but spending everyday cleaning? What a waste! Do something more fulfilling even if it's just reading.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 11/12/2019 04:44

If there’s only 2 child minders in the area why not train to be a child under, think it’s a week or 2 course

christmasathome · 11/12/2019 04:50

If you like cleaning have you thought about advertising your services locally? Working for yourself you will have more flexibility to work around school and husbands shifts.

duckyolucky · 11/12/2019 04:51

If you worked would you not be entitled to any benefits towards childcare?

MiniGuinness · 11/12/2019 04:56

Reasons why women should not give up their careers #1

WatchingTheMoon · 11/12/2019 05:27

You definitely need to discuss it with your husband, it's not fair that he gets the fulfillment of work and you're reduced to 'pottering'.

Pretty sure he wouldn't be happy if the shoe was on the other foot.

JolieOBrien · 11/12/2019 05:33

@AG29

I was a stay at home mum because I wanted to be. My own mother had to work because she was a single mum for years and needed the money. I always vowed if I had any children I would be there for them when they came home from school. I used to hate letting myself into a empty house and then I would have to prepare the dinner for my Step-Dad.

Silencedwitness · 11/12/2019 05:39

I was in the same boat until recently. 3 kids, two have additional needs (one very complex). Work was impossible to find as I needed term time and school friendly hours. I’ve now been offered a job in a school but I’m aware how rare it is. Unless you had a flexible job before the kids it’s not easy to find something when your kids have additional needs. So don’t feel bad 🙂

Silencedwitness · 11/12/2019 05:40

@MiniGuinness, how does this work if both children have special needs? And you don’t have a support network?

MiniGuinness · 11/12/2019 05:45

The OP has a husband. Ffs, it isn’t just her responsibility.

moccaicecream · 11/12/2019 05:47

Tbh, with a child with a disabled child, no family support and no access to childcare in any form, you won't be able to return to work (I have a DD with complex needs and have been forced to go onto benefits too).

Are you getting DLA and Carers allowance? this will soften the financial blow.

or, seeing that your DH is on a low wage and doesn't have a career as such, would he be happy to reduce his hours so you can pick up some work when he is looking after the DC?

It's shit, I sympathise! Flowers

Sleephead1 · 11/12/2019 06:02

Hi op I do work but only 2 days school hours I'm doing a degree with the open university it will take me 6 years to do it part time and my son will be older then. I love being able to do all the school pick up and drop off and going to lots of school things. I'm really enjoying doing the degree though it's very interesting, I do it during the day and am really passionate about it. You can do so many courses I would really recommend it. The other thing I thought of was doing a few small cleaning jobs maybe just local for elderly clients who it doesn't matter so much what day or time you go . Would that fit around better with your husband ?

Considermesometimes · 11/12/2019 06:21

OP you are providing!!

You are providing a clean and loving home, you are providing loving care for your children, of course you are contributing! If you added up all the hours you do and charged for them, it would be a fortune I am sure! Why not do the exercise and see? Don't forget for thousands of people cleaning and childcare IS their paid job, it is unpaid in a sense in your house, but if someone else were to be doing it all it would cost the earth.
Perhaps this is a reminder that your work has value, and a salary at the end of the month is not the be all and end all.

You are in a very fortunate position of having the choice op, you should enjoy the privilege of being able to be at home.

To keep all future options open it would be a good idea to join a course and retrain, so that you meet new people/friends, are engaged with the world outside of home and have a future career if you want or need it. Take some time to choose something you really enjoy.

Dontdisturbmenow · 11/12/2019 06:30

If deep inside you know that everyone would benefit from the extra income of you working, and as such you really want to go back to work, then keep looking.

The difference is whether you actually like being a SAHM and having all that free time, and really don't want to work and want to get rid of the guilt whilst doing what you want, or do you genuinely wish to be in work.

If the latter, then keep looking. Stay active, do voluntary work, do some networking, join some local groups where you might meet people and find out about job opportunities. If you really want to be active and work, something will finally come up.

The question is, how much do you really want it and how much is your OH trully happy about supporting the family for possibly many years. You also need to consider that not working leaves you fully dependent on him financially, with any additional years out of work and with little contact more and more vulnerable.

birdsarecute45 · 11/12/2019 06:34

If you feel like you want a job and can't sit still, and are somehow restless then go for the Sunday job idea you said you could manage.

It does not have to be forever and it might lead to other things - or lead nowhere but at least you have tried it! You have alot on your plate and starting off with what is manageable will give you a cofidence boost which it sounds like you need and are looking for.

Whatever you decide to do now does not have to be permanent. baby steps, and you have the luxury of changing if it does not work for you and the family.

moccaicecream · 11/12/2019 06:35

The difference is whether you actually like being a SAHM and having all that free time, and really don't want to work and want to get rid of the guilt whilst doing what you want, or do you genuinely wish to be in work.

buts it's not that simple of you have a child with SN and no access to childcare. There is s reason why the overall majority of mums of children with additional needs do not work. You just cannot if childcare isn't available Sad

speakout · 11/12/2019 06:54

OP I was in your position. Kids at school, no family help, OH working long, sporadic hours, often away with work for weeks at a time. One of my children had a chronic health complaint, school attendance was only around 70% and he was too ill to attend childcare most of the time.

I did voluntary work, become a school governor, but really wanted to find a way of earning money.

I started selling second hand books on Amazon. I would buy from jumble sales and charity shops, it is free to list on Amazon, and within a year or two I was earning several hundred pounds a month. This crept up to around £900 profit a month.
I continued, then as my kids grew older I started to explore different ideas. I met lots of people buying to sell online- vintage clothes, jewellery, potttery etc. If you can find a niche and a suply there is money to be made.
I also started to write for online agencies, small magazine articles, product descriptions for catalogues etc, and found a few local small businesses that needed copy too.

My children are young adults now, and I am still self employed. I make and sell craft items- and earn twice as much as my OH- he is a full time IT network security engineer.
I have also come to the conclusion that becoming self employed is about confidence. Although my craft business is booming, I also have several other working from home ideas that I feel would be profitable- but don't have the time! So they are on the back burner for now.

The internet is an amazing tool, we have the ability to reach millions of people - to seek and create lots of opportunities.

In many ways my inability to get back to work when my children were small has been a fantatsic pivotal point for me. I was able to start making money with no training, very little investment, just a desire to succeed.

SallyWD · 11/12/2019 06:55

Firstly if you and your husband are happy with your situation then there's no problem. If YOU want to work (who cares what society thinks) then there will be options but it may take time for the right job to come along. I was in your situation but after 2 years of staying at home once the kids were at school, I was bored. I got a lunchtime job at a school for 6 months. Obviously great for holidays and fitting in with my kids but the money was low (only 7.5 hours per week). I now have an office job working 17.5 hours per week over 3 days. I do 2 days which fit in with school (9.30-2.30) and one longer day where kids go to after school club. As for school holidays we juggle our annual leave (some days my husband takes off, some days I do and obviously I have the 2 days off per week anyway). The kids sometimes go to holiday club (which they LOVE, they get annoyed when they don't go!). Even if your school doesn't have a holiday club loads of places run them. Google your local holiday clubs and you might be surprised. We also get help from relatives occasionally (they all live far away so not so easy but sometimes they come and stay). We sometimes share child care with the family of my daughter's best friend. I'm not close friends with the mum although I really like her. She looked after my two a few days over the summer holidays and I looked after hers. As a family we took a 2 week holiday abroad. Basically when it comes to school holidays you work it out and use holiday clubs when there are no other options. It took me a long time to find a part time job that suited family life but they do exist.

Vulpine · 11/12/2019 06:56

What an inspirational post speakout

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