To feel bad for being a stay at home mum now the kids are at school..

[AG29]

Since September both DC have been in school. I’d always hoped I’d be able to work but it’s becoming so hard. I’ve looked into school hour jobs but there doesn’t seem to be much around. I’ve looked into working around my partners hours but due to his shifts I can only commit to a Sunday at the minute, I’ve looked into working from home but again I’m not sure what I’m skilled enough to do. Job opportunities where I live are limited and a lot of casual work is seasonal. What would I do in the holidays? My family don’t help and the local childminders are full (only 2 in the village).

OH works and earns an okay wage, we own our home and we aren’t well off but aren’t really struggling financially either. We have two DC and they both have additional needs which is making it harder. School meetings, appointments, speech therapy etc. OH works shift work.

OH is happy for me to be at home readily available for DC.

But I just feel bad. I feel like society expects me to be working and contributing now they are both in school.

I don’t have many friends. Most days I just stay in and potter around the house. I’m very house proud and spend a lot of the day cleaning. I just feel like I have no purpose anymore.

I would love to work and working in school time is a possibility but how do people manage in the holidays?

I think that it is important to work or study or do something because life can become a bit aimless otherwise.
I also think it's important to be your own person, not someone else's wife or mother

^I completely agree with this.

But I just feel bad. I feel like society expects me to be working and contributing now they are both in school

Why would you think that? If you can afford to stay home and your Dh and yourself are happy with that arrangement, then nobody else's opinion or thoughts matter.

It sounds like your husband needs to find a job that allows him to work consistent hours. It will be next to impossible for you to work around his shift pattern.

Going to work is about much more than earning money. It’s good for your mental health to feel like you have a purpose and to keep busy. You also need to use your brain.

There must be childminders that are local. They don’t need to be from your village.

If you like cleaning, what about trying to build a small client group for a cleaning business? Or offer one off/ cleaning and sorting services ( might be easier to work round holidays)

If you can afford it and both you and your hubby are happy than why not? But don't waste time feeling guilty - enjoy your lifestyle choice.

Have you thought about becoming a TA?

Fits in brilliantly with children, interesting, challenging, school holidays etc.

YANBU, I'm in exactly the same position - I've been a SAHM for about 10 years now though and recently really want a job now they're grown and just don't seem able to get one!

You've got two kids who have special needs........you're already doing plenty. Fuck what society needs, some families just need that extra person at home.

I’m in a similar position. I’ve been a sahm for over 10 years now. I’ve applied for loads of term time only jobs in schools and not even managed to get an interview (it’s incredibly competitive and with a gap on my CV and no prior school experience I don’t think I have any chance!)

Don’t worry about societal expectations.

If it suits you and your husband it's nobody else's business. If you'd like to get out how about volunteering somewhere like the NT, where you do what you can and will have adult company.

Its can be hard with children with additional needs as you need really flexible employers that let you have at least half the appoitments off (assuming your partner can do the other half) and sometimes you both need to be there. It depends on the needs but not all childminders and holiday clubs can manage or they charge extra.
I agree that if you want to do something for you volunteering is good. Theres a lot of variety.

Just do what suits you best as a family. I think everyone has different priorities and circumstances. Maybe just try do something like babysitting or bar work that you can do in the evening. But don't feel bad. If DH is happy it's fine.

Volunteer and learn. Best two things I did when out of work for a while (different circumstances to you but it looked good on my CV when I was job hunting). It will also give you purpose.

Sooo the only way you could work is if the job has little to no skill requirements, can be done in about 4-5hrs a day max & is local enough to enable school drop offs and pick ups, works around your dh's shift pattern,is term time only, and it supports you doing most of not all sick days/medical appointments/education meetings.

There's no way you're going to find paid employment with those restrictions.

Something needs to give.

Either your DH needs to move job and support you working; or you should volunteer; or train in something that is part time friendly and/or in demand locally. That's the only way you're going to work.

If your DH has a problem with it, present the limitations of your employment and ask what kind of job or employer could hire you - no one operating a legitimate business could hire you in reality! And if that job was available, you'd have all other working parents as candidate competition

Thank you. I will Look into volunteering. Thing is I can’t sit still. I don’t chill out at all so I feel like I need a job.

There are no holiday clubs close by to me. There’s 2 childminders in the village but they are generally full with younger children. Also DS has some significant needs I’m not sure how he’d cope with a childminder 😩 or they would cope with him..

I have thought about becoming a TA. It would suit me but I wouldn’t want to work in the same school DS attends as it would really Throw him out. Maybe once he goes to secondary school in a couple years.. there is only one school
In our area.

We cannot afford to move nor would I want to as I love where we live and the school is great but we are quite rural.

OH needs to find a better job. It’s good money (£13 odd an hour which is excellent for the area we live in where wages are generally low). But finding a job with better hours would most likely mean a pay cut for him. He’s been in the same job for 10 years. We have been together for several years and very settled.

We own our own home. Our mortgage is more half the cost of what people are paying in private rent in our area. He is quite happy to provide but I have a constant feel of guilt I don’t provide.

I do have qualifications. I did well in school and college but only had causal jobs before the children as I was unsure what I wanted to do. I planned to go to Uni and train as an occupational therapist or something along those lines but that got put it on hold when DS was born and him having additional needs making it harder.

I just feel like I have lost all my confidence and haven’t worked in a while..

Ooh - OT is something to aim for! Long term plan. Volunteer a bit in something relevant and start relevsnt courses.

If you would consider a job in a school, I would suggest volunteering in a local one, and/or seeing about becoming a parent governor at your children's school; all great ways to get some experience that could help when any roles get advertised. Local secondary schools will also be looking for invigilators for the summer exam season.

If there are National Trust properties in the area they often take on volunteers and you can do mornings or afternoons as suits, basically the sessions that fit with you. Gives you the chance to talk to people and you'll be expected to learn about the property, good if you're into history.

Rather than 'going back to work' I have focused on volunteering (mostly through my daughter's school) and I joined a social group connected to an interest I have. This has included doing community events and shows. I feel way more that I am part of society and adding my contribution to people's lives than my job ever did. When I was working I felt trapped and isolated away from the community I lived in.
A person doesn't need to be in a paid job to be contributing to society.

OP, If there’s one thing to take from this thread, it’s to NEVER worry about what “society expects”. Women can never win on this score, so don’t play the game.

Stop feeling guilty. It is what it is. Focus on yourself and devise a personal target. What do you want to do? Get fit? Retrain in something? Volunteer? Learn a language online? The world is your oyster. Remember - happy mum = happy kids = happy DH.

By the sound of it, you have at least two DC so will have had at least one child with you at all times for many years. In my case, it was a decade. These days I really value my own time, in a way I never did before DC. It’s still a novelty after 5 years of all mine being in school! My advice is to lose the guilt and embrace it! Opportunities will come at the fight time - maybe it’s just not now? If you must do something “extra”, what about advertising as a dog walker or cat sitter? Or renovate a small property? Train as a tutor? Do a Pilates or yoga course and train as a teacher (you’ll also end up super fit)? Do a cake-making course and sell at a local market / start a birthday cake business? Open a coffee shop? Become a personal trainer? What are you interested in? Or just do some classes and meet new people. Remember who you were before kids!

There’s nothing wrong at all with being a SAHM if that’s what you want - but it kind of sounds like it’s not. Job searching can be such a disheartening ball ache, but it’s worth it in the end. Please don’t give up. But only do it if that’s actually what you want - not what you think society wants.

You shouldn't feel bad but society does make woman feel that way. We are bad if we work and bad if we dont. I feel bad and I'm on maternity leave! Looking into becoming a childminder actually so I can still be with my little boy and still earn some money!

Firstly, you have nothing to feel bad about. The reality is that whatever expectations some people might have, holiday childcare isn't universally available. It's not even a question of not having the money for it, sometimes it's just not there. This is even for people with children who don't require a lot of appointments. Some children simply require too much to allow both parents to work. There are attending disadvantages to the parent who's essentially unable to access the workplace even if they want to, and for structural reasons that's usually the woman, but this doesn't make childcare and appointment cover suddenly become available.

The more important question is, do you want to work? If so, how could you as a couple facilitate this? I would agree with a pp that it might be worth thinking about volunteering. It could help with your self-esteem and loneliness, do you good to meet a few people, and can also put you in a better position to be a paid job if that's what you want to do.