To feel bad for being a stay at home mum now the kids are at school..

[AG29]

Since September both DC have been in school. I’d always hoped I’d be able to work but it’s becoming so hard. I’ve looked into school hour jobs but there doesn’t seem to be much around. I’ve looked into working around my partners hours but due to his shifts I can only commit to a Sunday at the minute, I’ve looked into working from home but again I’m not sure what I’m skilled enough to do. Job opportunities where I live are limited and a lot of casual work is seasonal. What would I do in the holidays? My family don’t help and the local childminders are full (only 2 in the village).

OH works and earns an okay wage, we own our home and we aren’t well off but aren’t really struggling financially either. We have two DC and they both have additional needs which is making it harder. School meetings, appointments, speech therapy etc. OH works shift work.

OH is happy for me to be at home readily available for DC.

But I just feel bad. I feel like society expects me to be working and contributing now they are both in school.

I don’t have many friends. Most days I just stay in and potter around the house. I’m very house proud and spend a lot of the day cleaning. I just feel like I have no purpose anymore.

I would love to work and working in school time is a possibility but how do people manage in the holidays?

[GoodCheer]

I’d do some volunteering and some further education in your position. It will keep your brain ticking over and help with your CV when you eventually do need or are able to work.

[GoodCheer]

I’d also talk to your husband about the longer term picture. The responsibility for childcare and taking on the mental load of children with additional needs shouldn’t fall solely on you. I say that as a parent of a child with complex special needs, quite a bit further down the line than you.

[LemonTT]

As a member of society I wouldn’t judge or even think about your decisions to work or not. This is down to you. There don’t really factor into my daily thought process.

If you wanted an opinion I would say that you and your OH may lack financial resilience due to your reliance on his income alone. You haven’t indicated whether you are married and, assuming not, this would make you very vulnerable in the event of a split. Even together you both need to plan for ill health and retirement.

I would struggle to live with this level of risk and insecurity for myself and my children. It’s not so much whether your family is comfortable today but how you can deal with unforeseen and unavoidable events in the future. At the moment you personally have no means to generate income or save for the future. I would change that.

[speakout]

Vulpine

Thanks. Although I really don't think I have done anything extraordinary. My activities were born out of frustration, although we could manage on OHs salary, money was very tight, and I didn't want years of having to count pennies.
I was absolutely determined to find a solution.
And things have worked out much better than I could have hoped for. Now looking to employ staff in the New Year too!

[BHouse19]

Have you got a pension OP?

[Christmaspug]

I’ve not worked in 20 years ,2 dc 10 years apart both with SN ...hospital appointments,no school place, tutor at home for 10 years ,I’ve not been able to work either .dh on a 22 week rolling shift pattern and no family to help all 5 hours away.
Plus the dc have horrendous anxiety and school refusing when no tutor .refusing even special schools where LEA refused to try another and gave them tutor .
It’s been a nightmare,and I’m still in the middle of it as youngest dc with SN is only 10 .
I wake up in a morning and can’t belive this is my life ,I’d of been so proud to have a job ,any job

[nettie434]

I just feel like I have lost all my confidence and haven’t worked in a while

As others have said, running a home, supporting your partner and bringing up two children with additional needs is something to be really proud of. The reality is that so many jobs are based on being able to work shifts and unsocial hours these days. From a household income perspective, it makes sense that your husband works those hours. I agree that volunteering sounds a great idea. It will help you do something outside the home and be good experience for getting into paid work eventually. The National Trust sounds a good idea - especially as Sunday is the best day for you. Or what about volunteering as an activity worker in a care home if there is one nearby or being a befriender? They would help if your long term plan is to train as an occupational therapist.

[Veterinari]

@AG29
Do you make national insurance contributions?
Do you have a pension?
How are you set financially if your DH should divorce/leave/die?
The situation may well work for you now, but will it work in 5 or 10 years? Or will you be worse off?
You probably need to think about your long term earning potential, the impacts on your old age and how vulnerable you’d be if your marriage broke down.

Use this time to study/get qualifications/work experience

[aveenos]

if OP is getting carers allowance, then this will count towards the state pension. I cannot image that she has a private pension given that she is a SAHM and DH is on a low wage.

[Cremebrule]

I think for your own health and well-being you need to do something. Personally I’ve felt quite isolated on maternity leave so while in theory being a sahm to school aged children sounds nice, I think it would be hard if you weren’t doing something out of the house like volunteering or work.

Is your husband’s £13 pre or post tax. I was assuming the former and him being on around £26-27?. If so, you’re any extra income probably would make quite a difference to you.

[Gamechange]

Why dont you study and set up as a childminder?

[OllyBJolly]

If you are at an entry level/retail etc job, that doesn't really apply because being out of work doesn't put you in a worse position

Much better to take an entry level job while there is another income coming in than find yourself having to take a minimum wage job with no other income. I know so many women who find themselves on their own either due to death or illness of partner, or divorce. No job history, no pension, no income.

In this kind of situation, I'd say the OP can't afford not to work.

[Grobagsforever]

@AG29 - why not swap with DH for a bit? You can work full time and he can do the domestic labour. It's his turn after all!

[AloneLonelyLoner]

There is a lot of wisdom on here and inspiration ( great stuff @speakout ).

What comes across most to me is not OP's feeling of society wants her to be working, but that she is unfulfilled in what she is doing. Is that right OP.

On the former, society has forever told women how to feel (and men for what it's worth) so this must be discounted immediately.

I was a SAHM for only 4 years, so not long, but I fell pray to these feelings too. On your husband's income you will be able to get funding for the OU. It's what I did (and a PP mentions it also). You said you did ok in college so why not? I would pick something career orientated, but something that would keep your interest. If you are interested in teaching maybe do a 'pure' academic subject like languages or a science. OU has the benefit of you meeting people as and when you can through groups and tutorials etc, but no compulsory things which are difficult because of time constraints.

I did 3 years of a language degree and will continue soon when time allows (I now work full-time).

The world is your oyster OP. You have one life. If you feel unfulfilled, this isn't fair and you should change it. Your husband loves you and should help you change it.

[AloneLonelyLoner]

Prey. Bloody phone. Apologies for typos and predictive text bullshit.

[AnnaNimmity]

Well it doesn't matter what society thinks.

But god it sounds very dull cleaning all day.

And what happens if you split from your DH OP? No one thinks they will split, but you are really fucked I would say. No pension, no security. No means of paying for 2 houses - I'm assuming you could only afford the one you've got. What would happen? What would happen if he left you in 15 years time?

I'm sorry it's depressing, but the best thing I did was to carry on working (even during the young childhood years when it cost me a fortune to work). I had a salary when me and my H split, I have a pension. without that I would be in a very different place now.

[LAA2]

You said there are only 2 childminders in your village. Could you become the third one. There must be other families who are in a similar predicament for childcare as you in your area. If it was me, this is what I would be looking at.

[Equanimitas]

It sounds as if there is a tailor-made opportunity to work as a childminder in your area.

[moccaicecream]

You said there are only 2 childminders in your village. Could you become the third one.

this seems to be the default solution on here become a CM

It's not that easy to become one and if one has children with additional needs, it puts a totally different spin on things. I think most posters don't understand the complexity that comes with having children with SN.

Likewise, the suggestion to gain qualifications. I have s post grad degree in science and used to earn very well. I am now on carers allowance. Qualifications don't matter if you cannot use them because no childcare is available for disabled children.

[zafferana]

Is it that you want to work, or you just feel you should? If its the former, I'd volunteer in some capacity - meals on wheels, local charity shop, church, whatever, and make it clear that you're only available in term times. Are you happy otherwise? I was bored being a SAHM, but DH's long working hours and frequent travel make it really hard to have a career job right now, so I'm doing a second degree. Would studying interest you or open new doors? It keeps me sane (I hate cleaning, so spending the day doing that was never going to be an option )

[Orangeblossom78]

Speakout do you still sell on Amazon? I did this too when mine were little - but the fees / postage got higher and also I found secondhand books went up too as people started doing the same. It was good for a while though the DC came along and posted the books

[Orangeblossom78]

A friend did TEFL and gets paid quite well from that

[maddening]

I would take the time to earn some qualifications, as they get older and as dh progresses in his job you may have more options so make sure you have qualifications ready to go Imo and it sounds like the perfect time. Maybe get a Sunday job to pay for them?

[NothingTraLaLa]

If you are both on board with you staying at home and can afford it, then don't worry about what others think. However, please make sure you are protected in the event of a split - I note you refer to OH/partner rather than DH/husband, so in your position it would be worth getting married for the legal protections if nothing else.

[septembersunshine]

Lots of my friends do lunch time supervisor/TA work at the local schools. If you find some kind of work within a school, even if its just a couple of hours a day, then you are around for the kids outside of school hours and its only term time too. Its super hard to find work that fits but you are doing well. Your finger is on the pulse, you are searching for a solution and it will come op!