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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pregnant friend

81 replies

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 13:54

I had dinner with a pregnant friend the other day and she could not stop bringing the conversation round to her pregnancy every few minutes. I know this is an exciting time for her, but she is well aware that I'm infertile, and that I'm not happy about being childless and single (she's 30 and got married a few years ago).

I don't mind so much her talking about the physical effects of pregnancy or her apprehensions about childbirth, but what put the tin lid on it was when she got all misty-eyed about how she wants to instigate new Christmas traditions with her own family, going into detail about which presents will come from Santa, etc. She knows that I spend Christmas on my own every other year because I find being around other people's children quite hard sometimes, and my brother has four under ten.

I'm not sure whether to say something as if she carries on like this I don't see the friendship surviving but bringing it up may well make things very awkward. (She's a neighbour at the moment, but planning to move in a few months.) I'm actually quite annoyed that she can't sufficiently see beyond her own situation to rein in the waxing lyrical about how lovely her life is going to be when she has a family.

Am I damned if I do, damned if I don't? Or is there a way to have a conversation about this and for her to "hear" me?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 13:56

How utterly insensitive of her.

Yes, she might have all those feeling but why on earth would she share them with you like that? It’s probably not worth saying anything but I’d keep a distance from her in future.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/12/2019 13:56

YANBU, obviously she's going to talk about her pregnancy a bit but almost sounds like she's trying to rub it in a bit

Sandals19 · 10/12/2019 13:59

No, I don't think there is. The baby isn't even born yet, wait til then to see the level of obsession. Even people who aren't "like that" find themselves struggling to stay off the topic.

You can try but .... She's moving anyway. Maybe time to move her into acquaintance category if this (understandably) bothers you so much.

Off topic, Is it not possible for you to have any treatment?

Original poster

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 14:02

I didn't realise I'd enabled voting. People saying IABU, is that in how I'm feeling, or in thinking I could have a productive conversation with pregzilla (sorry!) about this?

Fwiw, I'm well into my 40s, so even if I met someone I'm really too old for any sort of fertility treatment. (So friend is not thinking there's a decent chance I could still have a child.)

OP posts:

Crazyoldmaurice · 10/12/2019 14:05

She sounds like she has zero self awareness. Honestly it doesnt take much emotional intelligence to know how to appropriately behave knowing your circumstances. I'd distance myself from her if I were in your situation, I could imagine her getting defensive if you tried to bring it up so might be easier in the long run just to avoid seeing her as much.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 14:08

The irony is that I've been seeing more of her as she's staying at home nesting (her husband is currently working away) and she's know I'm available because I'm single and childless.

To balance things out, I should mention that she was very kind and thoughtful when I was signed off work with stress in the summer, so it would be unfair to say she is completely self-obsessed.

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 10/12/2019 14:13

She probably thinks as you are older that you have come to terms with it. I'm a widow and I'm constantly with friends who moan non stop about their husbands. Sometimes I just want to shout 'be grateful for what you have'! But mostly I'm totally fine.
Shes's excited and self centred. This will be a test of your friendship. When she has her child she may be 'you dont know what it's like...'. Maybe you should pull back a bit.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 14:13

Thanks for the flowers and posts. It's helpful just to know people can understand where I'm coming from.

OP posts:

beethecrackon24995 · 10/12/2019 14:17

So sorry op. I get it completely although some will come along saying you Abu. I HATE women like this and have ghosted a few over the years. For me I found life was hard enough at the time without that shit. My life improved without them. At least Nick Ely communicate with her telling her how you feel. If she gets the hump I would have considered her expendable

beethecrackon24995 · 10/12/2019 14:18

Nick Ely.. bloody auto correct. Was supposed to say try

PepePig · 10/12/2019 14:20

I think YAB a bit U. You can't expect her to not talk about something just because you don't want her to. So, she can't discuss Christmas, a partner, being pregnant/kids... that's pretty much most of her life you've wiped off the map.

It sounds like you'd be better off not being friends with her because she'll be talking about her kids from now on until the end of her life, to put it bluntly.

You could have a word asking her to cut it back a little, and if she doesn't then walk away with no regrets, but you can't be angry about something she likely doesn't know bothers you as much as it does.

Sandals19 · 10/12/2019 14:20

Fwiw, I'm well into my 40s, so even if I met someone I'm really too old for any sort of fertility treatment. (So friend is not thinking there's a decent chance I could still have a child.)

Donor eggs?

Adoption/fostering - before I get screamed at by posters, I'm aware it's not an easy route but I do know people who've adopted successfully due to infertility.

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 14:23

sandals do you seriously think the ok hasn’t heard of those things before? You seen to know how annoying it is when posters suggest adoption, yet you have done it anyway.

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 10/12/2019 14:25

When I was pregnant I found it impossible not to talk about the baby. Is she trying to stick to other topics?

Babyg1995 · 10/12/2019 14:29

I'm sorry you feel like this op but I think yabu there's no way your friend is doing it to hurt you she's obviously very excited about being pregnant .but if it is really upsetting you mabey don't see her as often.

Plaintainchipss · 10/12/2019 14:33

YANBU at all.

TisTheSeasonToBeJollyFaLaLa · 10/12/2019 14:36

I think if you are struggling to be happy for your friend you should probably cool the friendship. Having your first child is exciting, it is going to be on her mind, it's hard to talk about anything else if that is currently what she has going on at the moment. Did you expect her not to talk about it or be excited? I think you are being unreasonable.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 14:50

Nick Ely.. bloody auto correct. Was supposed to say try

Was wondering who he was!

OP posts:

Original poster

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 14:53

Did you expect her not to talk about it or be excited? I think you are being unreasonable.

People saying this, or variations of it, I did say in my OP that I didn't mind her talking about pregnancy of childbirth. Of course I don't expect it to be a taboo subject, but similarly it doesn't have to be the only topic of conversation, or woven in to every other topic.

OP posts:

Original poster

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 15:00

Well I think you've unintentionally summed up the problem. I don't have these things in my life - a partner, children, the experience of being pregnant, Christmas with my own kids. These are all pretty common, fundamental life experiences for most people, all of which I'm missing and would have loved to have had.

I'm the one whose life experiences been "wiped off the map". All I was hoping was for her not to go on about them ad nauseum, with me, for one evening. Plus it makes the conversation rather one-sided.

OP posts:

selmabear · 10/12/2019 15:05

YANBU for feeling this way OP and I'm sorry for the situation you're in. Could you maybe gently broach the subject? She might not realise how she's making you feel. Her pregnancy is probably the only thing on her mind so that's maybe why its always the topic of choice. If taking to ger about it isn't something you're comfortable with doing then maybe you could start saying no to lunch/coffee meet ups and just take a break from her.

Butterflyflower1234 · 10/12/2019 15:20

I'm torn with this thread. I imagine how you feel is truly awful and I am very sorry but I'm of the opinion that I would always try to be happy and supportive of others.

Are you best friends with this women or not really close? The reason I ask is perhaps she doesn't realise exactly how affected you are by this.

I think you should seek some counselling as this is obviously a very difficult thing to deal with.

You should speak to your friend and explain you're happy for her but miss having conversations about the things you'd talk about before she was pregnant.

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 15:23

I'm of the opinion that I would always try to be happy and supportive of others.

Being supportive doesn’t mean that the only topic of conversation is the pregnancy. Being happy is sometimes too much to ask.

EKGEMS · 10/12/2019 15:26

Aha the sanctimonious posters have arrived to sprinkle their superiority over this thread! OP I totally get what you are saying here. I do hope you can spend your holidays the way you wish to with true friends who care about you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2019 15:34

I’m confused by people saying it was all they could talk about when they were pregnant. It goes on for 3/4 year and most days not much changes. What is there to say which takes over all your conversations?

OP, she’s being hugely self centred and thoughtless. If she’s been there for you in the past as you say she has then don’t walk away yet and hope she chills out but dial things back your end if spending time with her is hurting you, look after yourself first

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