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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant friend

81 replies

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 13:54

I had dinner with a pregnant friend the other day and she could not stop bringing the conversation round to her pregnancy every few minutes. I know this is an exciting time for her, but she is well aware that I'm infertile, and that I'm not happy about being childless and single (she's 30 and got married a few years ago).

I don't mind so much her talking about the physical effects of pregnancy or her apprehensions about childbirth, but what put the tin lid on it was when she got all misty-eyed about how she wants to instigate new Christmas traditions with her own family, going into detail about which presents will come from Santa, etc. She knows that I spend Christmas on my own every other year because I find being around other people's children quite hard sometimes, and my brother has four under ten.

I'm not sure whether to say something as if she carries on like this I don't see the friendship surviving but bringing it up may well make things very awkward. (She's a neighbour at the moment, but planning to move in a few months.) I'm actually quite annoyed that she can't sufficiently see beyond her own situation to rein in the waxing lyrical about how lovely her life is going to be when she has a family.

Am I damned if I do, damned if I don't? Or is there a way to have a conversation about this and for her to "hear" me?

OP posts:
Ilovemykids12345 · 10/12/2019 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 17:15

I think you need to start your own thread ilove.

dottiedodah · 10/12/2019 17:23

Do you have other friends you can see who may not be as self absorbed Obviously she is excited ,but is being rather selfish with not thinking about your feelings in all this

Original poster
UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 17:30

I am in a vaguely similar situation so l can relate. E.g. last week a friend asked me if my IVF had worked, l said no and then started crying. We talked about that for a bit and then she starts talking about her husbands paternity leave for their second child.

Christ. Hmm

OP posts:
SmoothOrange · 10/12/2019 17:30

It's a difficult situation and I understand your feelings and also her inability not to talk about her pregnancy.

Some people get lost in their own feelings and don't spare a thought for others. I think the question you need to ask, is is there any malice in what she was doing, do you think she was trying to hurt you?

It is very sad that you are having to deal with this all alone, have you considered counseling to help you?

SmoothOrange · 10/12/2019 17:31

@Ilovemykids12345 get your own thread. How insensitive

EL8888 · 10/12/2019 17:51

^ this 🙄

Ilovemykids12345 · 10/12/2019 18:39

Sorry I didn’t mean to be I just signed up today and no clue on how to do anything on here I’m so sorry

Original poster
UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 18:41

Hi can someone please please help me out and tell me what these spots are around my nipples are? Also very sore there small but there just on the outside of the hole where the milk comes out. I have my tubs tied I have 5 kids and never noticed them before.
PLEASE HELP

They're, they're. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 18:43

Sorry I didn’t mean to be I just signed up today and no clue on how to do anything on here I’m so sorry

Sorry, cross post (in more ways than one), but for goodness' sake...

OP posts:
Ilovemykids12345 · 10/12/2019 18:47

This reply has been deleted

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EL8888 · 10/12/2019 19:03

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bee222 · 10/12/2019 21:02

but if she isn’t allowed to talk at all about any of the things which you absolutely can’t have then what do you expect her to discuss?

Do people not have hobbies and interests anymore?

CountYourRoosters · 10/12/2019 21:08

It just sounds like she's not very self aware and might benefit from a gentle "you know I'm so so happy for you, but I find it really hard to talk about as I may never get to experience that".

Countryescape · 10/12/2019 22:25

Ugh pregnancy and baby talk is SO BORING!!!! And I have kids. Nothing worse. I love talking about other things when catching up with friends. Just say can we please talk about something else if she really isn’t getting the hint!

Loopytiles · 10/12/2019 22:28

Reduce contact as much as poss until she moves, then avoid her completely. Too little tact and empathy to be a friend.

Loopytiles · 10/12/2019 22:28

AND too dull.

EasterIssland · 10/12/2019 22:32

Ynbu I know someone that has struggled conceiving (same as me) since I know she’s pregnant she brings the topic on WhatsApp 5-6 times a day ... she’s 11 weeks pregnant. Her pregnancy is going to feel longer than what mine felt. She knows I would like another one but cuz how much I struggled conceiving and how badly affected I was by mental health I’ve taken the decision of not having more ... she acts as if she was the only pregnant of the world .... I’ve decided to avoid any topic about her pregnancy ... I get bored of it ... I don’t expect her not to speak about it but none of my pregnant friends talk about it 5-6 times a day nor did I

bridgetreilly · 10/12/2019 22:41

Next time you see her I would say that while you understand she's very excited about the pregnancy, and that you are really pleased for her, you actually find it difficult to hear her talking about all the things that you would love to enjoy yourself, but can't. Could she be a bit more careful and sensitive about that? Not that you want to rain on her parade, but it's just hard and it hurts.

And then if she still carries on, you may just need to withdraw from the friendship. But I think you should try talking to her about it first.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 10/12/2019 22:59

I think she is being unreasonable. If you've just bought a new car you dont fo on about it to a friend who just had a car accident. If you've got an amazing house you dont wax lyrical about it to someone whose house has just been repossessed. Its basic empathy. I get that some people are really excited about their pregnancy and want to share every gory detail but most people are able to process the fact that no one else really wants to talk about it endlessly, especially someone who has not been able to get pregnant. If you were saying she wasnt allowed to mention it at all then that would be one thing but not wanting it to be the sole topic of conversation is completely normal, even for people who do have children

JoGose · 10/12/2019 23:01

I think it’s really insensitive of her

Original poster
UnaCorda · 20/03/2020 16:33

FFS. The baby was born a few weeks ago and I've said I'll go round and visit. I've been in touch two or three times now to say I'm free and could go over (not necessarily immediately but over the next few hours), but she keeps saying it's inconvenient.

Ok, fair enough, but she won't give me a date or time and instead keeps ringing and expecting me to drop everything and go over that very second. Getting quite pissed off - the world doesn't stop because she has a baby (even if it might be stopping for other reasons).

So far I haven't answered the phone (not to be awkward - I just didn't hear it). Not sure how to break the deadlock...

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 20/03/2020 16:38

um... no one should be visiting anyones babies right now

Original poster
UnaCorda · 20/03/2020 19:34

um... no one should be visiting anyones babies right now

Yes, I did ask whether they still wanted visitors given the current situation. I don't know whether either or both parents are self-isolating. Otherwise I suppose it's up to them - we're in the same building so will be passing through the same communal space, touching the same door handles, light switches etc. (although the baby won't be, obvs).

OP posts:
RainMinusBow · 20/03/2020 19:46

I'm 30 weeks' pregnant with my third and I am very careful about talking about the baby in depth to two of my friends - one who wasn't able to have her own bio children and another who is struggling to conceive again.

If they ask me about the baby of course I'm happy to talk about her, but I definitely wouldn't keep going on about it knowing their circumstances.