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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pregnant friend

81 replies

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 13:54

I had dinner with a pregnant friend the other day and she could not stop bringing the conversation round to her pregnancy every few minutes. I know this is an exciting time for her, but she is well aware that I'm infertile, and that I'm not happy about being childless and single (she's 30 and got married a few years ago).

I don't mind so much her talking about the physical effects of pregnancy or her apprehensions about childbirth, but what put the tin lid on it was when she got all misty-eyed about how she wants to instigate new Christmas traditions with her own family, going into detail about which presents will come from Santa, etc. She knows that I spend Christmas on my own every other year because I find being around other people's children quite hard sometimes, and my brother has four under ten.

I'm not sure whether to say something as if she carries on like this I don't see the friendship surviving but bringing it up may well make things very awkward. (She's a neighbour at the moment, but planning to move in a few months.) I'm actually quite annoyed that she can't sufficiently see beyond her own situation to rein in the waxing lyrical about how lovely her life is going to be when she has a family.

Am I damned if I do, damned if I don't? Or is there a way to have a conversation about this and for her to "hear" me?

OP posts:

WorldsOnFire · 10/12/2019 15:34

YADNBU OP!

I’m shocked that so many are saying you are and think you may have clouded your responses by mentioning that you avoid your nieces and nephews. If you were asking ‘AIBU to not spend Christmas with my family to avoid my brother and his kids- because I can’t have my own’ then yes the YABU is warranted. Your not the only one whose feelings matter and you’re depriving small children of a relationship with their aunt. It comes across a little ‘well if I can’t have it I don’t want to be around it!’

In terms of your friend though she was being awfully Insensitive. I’m 6 months pregnant with my first DC and wouldn’t dream of behaving like that with a friend I knew was struggling with infertility. A little bit of pregnancy chat (can’t pretend it’s not happening) is fine but then I’d have been swiftly moving on to other topics!

In fairness though I was the same as a bride- didn’t need every conversation to be about my wedding 🤔 actually got a bit fed up of talking about it and would steer the conversation elsewhere.

Some women though do need everything to be about them. If they have a big event going on they’re incapable of talking about anything else- I think they really struggle once they’ve gotten married/had kids and nobody fusses them anymore.

I have an aunt who just can’t be pleased/interested in anyone else being the centre of attention. It’s obvious she used to be one of those young women where everything was about her- but now she’s older and it’s just a bit sad 👍🏻

JayoftheRed · 10/12/2019 15:34

I made this mistake. My best friend can't have children, and her first failed IVF attempt coincided with the birth of my first child, more or less.

She asked me to come round, without the baby, for a bit, to talk about anything other than babies.

I had a 3 week old (or something like that, he was tiny) at home and while I totally intended not to mention him at all, he was in the end all I talked about. I honestly didn't mean to, but my life revolved around him at that point.

She didn't say anything at the time, but a bit later when she was feeling better, she got in touch and told me how I made her feel. I felt terrible. Of course she didn't want to hear about my baby, and despite my best attempts I had completely railroaded her.

I apologised, and made a much bigger effort not to talk about him if needed. We do talk about him of course (he's 7 now, so it wa a while ago now) and she is his Godmother, as it goes.

She is in the process of adopting, but if she wasn't, then I would continue to avoid talking about babies and stuff even thought that leaves little for me to talk about sometimes (I have a very dull life).

I am sure your friend didn't realise that she brought the conversation round to her pregnancy so much, she may simply not have thought about it at all like that. If you don't feel you can talk to her, can you perhaps write her a letter? Tell her that you're really pleased for her etc but that you're hurting and perhaps could she dial down the baby talk for a bit, especially at this time of year?

Honestly, when my friend mentioned it to me, I only felt bad that I'd hurt her. I was in no way offended, and I would hope your friend feels the same way.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 15:35

I'm of the opinion that I would always try to be happy and supportive of others.

In principle I agree. But she is the one with the husband and the baby on the way. She is already happy and excited and fulfilled. I am not. I am quite sad at how things have turned out, and do not have any intimacy or emotional closeness and support in my life.

I listened to her concerns about staying healthy during pregnancy and about giving birth, and about a member of her husband's family. I looked after her pet while she was on holiday recently. Why can she not support me by being a bit mindful?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 15:37

It comes across a little ‘well if I can’t have it I don’t want to be around it!’

That is a gross misunderstanding of the pain that infertility causes. Painting people that have to do this for their own mental health as petulant and selfish is just horrible.

Sherrybabyy · 10/12/2019 15:39

Aw OP you sound completely reasonable. You don’t sound bitter or jealous, of course you’re happy for her but given the situation, you’d think she would be more sensitive. Must be hard having to deal with someone like that

NoParticularPattern · 10/12/2019 15:42

I think you’re being a little bit unreasonable. It’s not much to ask that she doesn’t absolutely ram it down your throat, but if she isn’t allowed to talk at all about any of the things which you absolutely can’t have then what do you expect her to discuss? It just so happens that the things you can’t have are all major things in her life right now and it’s only natural that she’s going to mention it. Honestly I’d probably distance myself from her if I were you as clearly her life and current situation is always going to bring you pain when she talks about it even for a short time.

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 15:43

It’s not much to ask that she doesn’t absolutely ram it down your throat, but if she isn’t allowed to talk at all about any of the things which you absolutely can’t have then what do you expect her to discuss?

Aren’t you reading the op’s posts? She said she was happy to discuss the pregnancy but it became the only topic of conversation.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 15:44

I... think you may have clouded your responses by mentioning that you avoid your nieces and nephews. If you were asking ‘AIBU to not spend Christmas with my family to avoid my brother and his kids- because I can’t have my own’ then yes the YABU is warranted.

I didn't say I avoid them all the time. I see my nieces and nephews fairly often (they don't live very close). Re. Christmas I think it is my prerogative not to put myself in a situation I find emotionally painful, but I know some people will disagree.

With my friend, it was the painting of idealised family Christmas tableaux that has really rankled.

OP posts:

Eggies · 10/12/2019 15:44

Yanbu OP that must be so difficult to bear

NaturalDisasters · 10/12/2019 15:44

What @PepePig said. If you are including having a partner in topics you don’t want her to talk about, along with pregnancy! Children and Christmas, could you say along what lines you wanted the conversation to go? What did you want to talk about?

I’m not unsympathetic — I’m currently having to manage my feelings around a friend who has done something I want but can’t seem to manage — but I think that you might need to prioritise finding more childless or childfree single friends, if large swathes of the conversation of friends like this one are upsetting you to this extent.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2019 15:45

If you were asking ‘AIBU to not spend Christmas with my family to avoid my brother and his kids- because I can’t have my own’ then yes the YABU is warranted. Your not the only one whose feelings matter and you’re depriving small children of a relationship with their aunt.

What the fuck? No she wouldn’t be being unreasonable. Her Christmas is her Christmas and I’m sure her nieces and nephews cope just fine without the attention of their aunt for one day. Don’t be utterly ridiculous.

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 15:47

I’m not seeing my nieces on Christmas Day. She’s that mean I can get out of going to my in laws so I don’t deprive them on Christmas Day?

Original poster

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 15:49

Erm, how about Brexit, the election, films, foreign travel, books, the local area, fashion, philosophy, celebrities, quantum mechanics, the environment, veganism, TV programmes, her work, my work, the price of fish...!

Anyway, I already said (several times) that she wasn't "not allowed to talk about" herself.

OP posts:

EL8888 · 10/12/2019 15:54

I think she is unreasonable plus self absorbed and tactless. I would be avoiding her as much as I could, hopefully her move is sooner rather than later

I am in a vaguely similar situation so l can relate. E.g. last week a friend asked me if my IVF had worked, l said no and then started crying. We talked about that for a bit and then she starts talking about her husbands paternity leave for their second child

@Sandals19 seriously, why do people always have to throw the adoption suggestion in?! For the record l find those kind of comments tactless and pointless. Adoption and having your own child aren’t the same 🙄

Original poster

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 15:54

@JayoftheRed Thank you - that's helpful to hear from your perspective. It sounds like you stuffed up your first meeting with your friend after the birth of your son, but it was big of you to take her comments on the chin and try to be more sensitive when you saw her subsequently.

OP posts:

Wineislifex · 10/12/2019 15:58

I think you may be a little unreasonable. Is your friend aware of your feelings regarding your fertility? Just with you being single and not mentioning actively trying she may not be aware that this topic would be so sensitive to you?
I found it difficult when I was pregnant not to talk about anything else as it was all consuming and the most important thing in my world, but having taken a couple years to conceive and a MMC too I also remember the sting of being around pregnant friends so I can see it from both sides!

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2019 15:59

wine it’s there in the first post...
she is well aware that I'm infertile, and that I'm not happy about being childless and single (she's 30 and got married a few years ago).

hammeringinmyhead · 10/12/2019 15:59

I definitely think she is being hugely insensitive. I would be prepared because in my experience once I had a baby it was a good 6 months before I really had time to see films/TV shows other than comforting repeat viewings of old stuff on Netflix. I didn't keep up with the news, or buy clothes that weren't breastfeeding tops, or go on holiday. My world, and thus conversation topics, narrowed until I went back to work.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 16:02

It comes across a little ‘well if I can’t have it I don’t want to be around it!

It often seems to be hard for people to understand this, and they're often very unforgiving with this way of dealing with things (i.e. not taking part) even though it can seem the only option to a childless person.

The best way I can describe it is this: imagine you were very hungry and you were obliged to spend time watching lots of other people eating and enjoying their food. You had to keep making polite conversation and complimenting the diners on their delicious-looking meals, but you weren't allowed to have anything to eat yourself.

Would you enjoy that experience, or would you rather remove yourself from the situation for your own sanity?

Would other people entreating you to stay because they enjoy your company, or because they feel you have an obligation to be there be helpful, or would it just make you feel guilty and resentful?

OP posts:

79andnotout · 10/12/2019 16:10

Hello, OP, fellow infertile 40 something here. I find with my friends after a stream of child related chat I ask if we can discuss something else for a bit and that usually works. It doesn't really upset me anymore though, I just find it boring if that's all we're talking about.

You mention you don't have a partner a few times. That at least could still change, if you want one? Christmas with a partner and no kids (and lots of pets like we have) is a fun one, not a depressing one for us. If you weren't doing all this alone it would be much easier, I think.

Where to find a decent partner in your forties is another matter, it took me years in my thirties to find one that wasn't already married or taken. Although given how many of my friends are now divorcing, there should be plenty back on the market!

Original poster

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 16:45

If you weren't doing all this alone it would be much easier, I think.

I agree, but it seems to be my lot. I have tried God only knows how many times, but seem to meet mainly arseholes.

OP posts:

Wineislifex · 10/12/2019 16:46

@PurpleDaisies yeah I ment does she know how you really feel, eg that it’s tearing you apart or does she think that you have had problems in the past but you made your peace with it! Depending on how close a friend she is she might not know the true extent of the OP’s pain

Original poster

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 16:46

would be prepared because in my experience once I had a baby it was a good 6 months before I really had time to see films/TV shows other than comforting repeat viewings of old stuff on Netflix. I didn't keep up with the news, or buy clothes that weren't breastfeeding tops, or go on holiday.

Fair enough, but she hasn't had it yet and she's just got back from holiday! (Which she talked about a bit, but not nearly as much as the pregnancy-related stuff.)

OP posts:

hammeringinmyhead · 10/12/2019 16:48

Yes, I am saying she is going to get worse.

Original poster

UnaCorda · 10/12/2019 16:51

I meant does she know how you really feel, eg that it’s tearing you apart or does she think that you have had problems in the past but you made your peace with it! Depending on how close a friend she is she might not know the true extent of the OP’s pain.

Fair point. I've told her, but not shown her, iyswim (i.e. I've not been emotional about it, but she does know).

OP posts:

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