Eight year old daughter- acting out and wants to do things that I find inappropriate. AIBU?

[needcoffeemeow]

Hi all! longtime lurker, first time poster here.

I'm at my wits end with my daughter. First off, her Dad and I aren't together, but we live in same town and have 60/40 custody. I'm a young mum (24) which is its own thing.

My daughter is usually lovely, sweet and generally well-behaved. However, recently we've been having a lot of tantrums, strops etc. This can be from getting ready for school, going to after-school club/going to her Dad's...
She seems to want to do things/get things that I find inappropriate. Today we had a fight about being on instagram (I said absolutely not!) she wants clothes that are very tight/revealing. And for xmas, she wants a load of tat (LOL dolls) high heels (?????!!!!!) among other things.

She is in year 4 and is one of the youngest in her class. I've noticed that she has started to become interested in things that are more 'grown-up'. Last year I couldn't get her out of jeans and into her school uniform to save my life, and this year she is suddenly really into how she looks, what people think of her.

She seems to be embarrassed that she has young parents and said just last week that "she is the only one with a weird family". Most of her friends come from two parent households, parents are older. Her dad and I have explained that all families are different, and that some parents are younger than others. I wonder if some of this acting out/wanting to grow up quickly is due to her wanting to 'fit in' as she feels out of place due to her younger age and different family set up.

Part of me wants her to stay tiny forever, and another part thinks that I should just be easier on her. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to let her dress more like her friends, or let her join in with makeup, those strange 'unwrapping toys'. I just miss who she was only a few months ago. I keep hoping that this is a stage, but I can't see my little girl anymore. It feels like we are entering this awful tween stage, and her behavior is totally unexpected for an eight year old!

I guess that the point of this very long-winded post, is that I really need advice. My daughter is embarrassed of her family and wants to grow up really quickly.

Am I being unreasonable/mean for refusing to let her be on the internet, dress up (wear boots with heels in public!) and generally join in on things that I think she is much too young for?

Also, what is the attraction of these LOL dolls and shopkins??? They seems ridiculously overpriced, but suddenly she desperately needs some for xmas...

We are older parents and DD used to moan that I was older than some of her friends' grandparents!!

She was the opposite at 8 luckily, and happy not to wear the girly stuff her friends did - but they're all different, and most of her friends were into fashion and clothes etc by then. You need to stamp on the instagram and revealing outfits - house rules are house rules - but much of it will be exaggeration anyway.

But also - girls do go through a stage of pushing boundaries and being difficult, apparently. Usually at about 6 I think - mine was really argumentative for a couple of months, but soon came through it. But perhaps hormones are to blame....?

Everyone’s got different boundaries. LOL dolls are ok - 5 year olds have them. I wouldn’t allow internet, heels, makeup, or inappropriately tight clothing. But I’d be fine with her caring about how she looks.

It’s normal for young girls to start pushing the parental boundaries, to want to fit in with their classmates and copy slightly older girls. It can seem as if they’ve changed overnight but in many ways they still behave like the little girls they are - playing with dolls and the dreaded Shopkins. My DD is now 12 and still wanted Shopkins at age 8 but had abandoned them by age 9. Yes they are utter tatt but if you can afford a pack or two, just go with it. Try to pick your battles to avoid constant ‘no’s’. Social media is more tricky - there are recommended age restrictions for a reason and perhaps you can talk to your DD about why this is and at what age you would let her have Instagram. Don’t be taken in by the ‘everyone has it but me’ card. My DD is always saying things like this but I know from speaking to other mums that it’s simply not true. Perhaps there are more age appropriate apps that you would be happy for her to have so she doesn’t feel left out with her friends. My DD wanted crop tops too but we compromised with short T-shirts that soon lost their novelty. That which is forbidden is always more attractive.

Is she being bullied (maybe not bullied it could have been a throw away remark)about her family situation or what she wears? Has she begun hanging with someone who has older siblings? All these things can have a massive effect on children.

Decide which battles are most important to you and fight those. Mine would be, at age 8, social media and inappropriate clothing.

The majority of children want to fit in with their peers. This means doing and having (what they perceive) are the same things.

The children that are able to be independent and not follow the crowd like sheep are those with high self esteem and self confidence. Work on those with her.

I think your DD sounds pretty typical! And I'd pick my battles about the gifts: clothes that are a bit 'revealing' are fine, assuming that you have control over where she wears them; some make-up only used under supervision is OK; LOL dolls - not my taste, or that of many people over 11, but harmless enough. No Instagram, though; and no high heels, as these can damage the feet.. That would be my limit!

i've four kids, but 3 daughters. i concur that you're getting away lightly if these demands have only just started, but i suspect its because she's your only/1st. DD3 is 10 but its ok because i have DD1 and DD2 to remind me of the 'ages' when 'heels were allowed', 'makeup' was allowed and so on. Whoa betide me if I should be lenient and relax a rule for DD3 - then the 'how comes' start. To the extent that at 8 DD3 started ballroom dance lessons (neither of the other did that) and was required to have shoes with little heels on. Both elder daughters went on and on and on! So for reference..... Make up at home = 10 (father Xmas is bringing some - but in a tween sort of way), Make up for special occasions = between 11 and 12 and make up at school was 13 - but even then my rule was that it was not visible (which made the girls v. good at light and enhancing makeup rather than slap it on). Heels were only when they were prepared to sit on a chair and be boring. Any kind of running around or even fast walking meant no heels. Clothes wise she's been choosing her own since she was 2 but is not allowed to look like a trollap and only I get to decide what a trollop looks like - in otherwise she could choose the outfit, but I got to say whether I would agree to buy it/let her wear it etc. HTH

How lovely to have such a young mum - she will really appreciate that in a few years.
You sound lovely - I’d say yes to what you can (Toys) but no to the teenage clothes.

Apart from the Instagram, nothing is concerning. And anyone who finds a 1inch heel on kids shoes "sexual" has something issues.

I was the same age as you when I had my first, had my second two years later. My second is now 24 and absolutely loves that I’ve been a younger mum :-)
As for the toys - I feel your pain with the LOL, I have two younger children now who are 6&7 and they have asked for LOL for Xmas and it is killing me to have to part with my cash for that tat!! lol

You are right about the LoL etc stuff. Just expensive, immediate landfill. Perhaps you could emphasise the plastic waste trend but at 8 her world will be what is being marketed to her age group. Perhaps you ciukd indulge her a little without going over the top. The clothes are titalky up to you. Don't buy them if you don't want her to wear them. The makeup is something that far too many parents allow now at least IMO. I keep saying if you use make up now when you are only 7,8 etc what do you have to look forward to doing when you are say 14. Your DD is being influenced by those around her, probably at school. If you give in without her agreeing a compromise on all the issues, you will have a life of misery trying to cope with her future demands.

My 8 year old son said to me ‘this year mum I don’t think I’ll do toys just designer clothing....’ I laughed ... sometimes they just like to do/say stuff to wind you up!
Social media at 8 is a massive no no for me though...

Are 8 years old really wearing high heels? Instagram? . I think far too young. Absolutely no social media at this age. See advise of professionals.

LOL and shopkins at 8 is normal in our area. As for high heels, I would say no. Not appropriate for a child that age. Really any age...read up on what they do to feet and backs. Know your values for you and what you want. There is so much pressure out there. Be strong in yourself. Also know that they will say 'everyone' is doing it and that usually means one of them is doing it. Don't let your 8 year old doubt yourself otherwise the teen years are going to be hell. You've got this.

Welcome to parenthood... You've had the best years of a young girl and you are now entering the dark times... Get used to it, whatever you do will be wrong and just be there when the female of the species finally grows out of it, maybe late teens if you are very lucky!

Don't let her dress like that - far too young, let her be a child, she's not a teenager. She can kick off all she wants - long term she'll be far better off because you've given her boundaries, discipline and shown you love her by paying her attention.

My son is in year 4 and is also 8 (also one of the youngest in his year) I'm 5 years older than you at 29 and there's only one mother younger than me for ds classemates. DS has noticed this and has commented once or twice that all the other mums are in their 30s and 40s and I'm still in my 20s. He's started changing too. Much more into fortnite and fifa, locks himself in his rooms for hours at a time watching absolute crap on YouTube and netflix. He's started watching other gamers on YouTube play video games he likes playing to gain experience and knowledge to better his skills. What?! Why not just play the damn game. But from speaking to other mothers it seems it's very normal! I think taking and interest in make up at 8 is very normal for that age. I wouldn't worry too much OP, she's growing up and finding herself.

All of us, when we were young, thought our parents were embarrassing or different or just sooooo unfair. So, at some point during their earlier childhood (or later on!) they WILL absolutely push you to your limit and make you doubt yourself. That’s what kids do best....especially as we will inevitably doubt our strategies, at some point or another.
Stick to what you think is right. Nobody can really tell you how to parent, because everyone is different.
I have 3 dc... 2 boys, 11 (nearly 12) and 13... and a girl who is 6. She is really testing me atm... not in the respect of some of the things your daughter is saying... but, regardless... I will stick to what I, personally feel is right (whether it is or not!). And absolutely NO WAY to social media! ! I still do not allow my sons to use it, and they are quite a lot older.

Best of luck!

I have to add there was a girl in dd’s school year 6 so 10 /11 and she came to school on non uniform day in platform heels , she looked ridiculous and even her friends didn’t know where to look as she’s wobbling about the place .
She either hid them in her bag or her parents were happy for her to wear them .. crazy

I don't think you are unreasonable wanting to protect them. ive looked up these dolls. yes they are tat. but thats what kids want. by the way this is an eBay listing, and there are loads more. www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Shopkins-Dolls-Bundle/174119509245?hash=item288a54dcfd:g:yRkAAOSwUrxd7Q~8.
regarding instagram. and other social media. They do need to be protected. and I for one would put my foot down there.
Clothing. as long as its not sexualising her. and thats peer pressure. you can involve her in decisions. maybe try to get her to see some more adult classy fashions. it might be a tiny bit more expensive. but she might find that she gains for friends.
I do feel for you. being single at this early age with a child. not many single men want to take on that responsibility. ive mentored quite a few in my time and it can be tough. but hang in there. don't try to let her play off you with dad and make sure your both in agreement on her discipline. Good luck.

Just a thought. if you buy those bundles off eBay. (the low prices show what sort of tat it is. worth considering secondhand if in good condition). might be a really good idea to package each one up and hide them in various places around the room for her to do a shop doll hunt. like an Easter egg hunt. each time she finds she has. more than she hoped for and its more exciting when she finds more than one.

I have an 8 year old dd and that seems pretty normal although frustrating. They do grow out of it though.