Eight year old daughter- acting out and wants to do things that I find inappropriate. AIBU?

[needcoffeemeow]

Hi all! longtime lurker, first time poster here.

I'm at my wits end with my daughter. First off, her Dad and I aren't together, but we live in same town and have 60/40 custody. I'm a young mum (24) which is its own thing.

My daughter is usually lovely, sweet and generally well-behaved. However, recently we've been having a lot of tantrums, strops etc. This can be from getting ready for school, going to after-school club/going to her Dad's...
She seems to want to do things/get things that I find inappropriate. Today we had a fight about being on instagram (I said absolutely not!) she wants clothes that are very tight/revealing. And for xmas, she wants a load of tat (LOL dolls) high heels (?????!!!!!) among other things.

She is in year 4 and is one of the youngest in her class. I've noticed that she has started to become interested in things that are more 'grown-up'. Last year I couldn't get her out of jeans and into her school uniform to save my life, and this year she is suddenly really into how she looks, what people think of her.

She seems to be embarrassed that she has young parents and said just last week that "she is the only one with a weird family". Most of her friends come from two parent households, parents are older. Her dad and I have explained that all families are different, and that some parents are younger than others. I wonder if some of this acting out/wanting to grow up quickly is due to her wanting to 'fit in' as she feels out of place due to her younger age and different family set up.

Part of me wants her to stay tiny forever, and another part thinks that I should just be easier on her. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to let her dress more like her friends, or let her join in with makeup, those strange 'unwrapping toys'. I just miss who she was only a few months ago. I keep hoping that this is a stage, but I can't see my little girl anymore. It feels like we are entering this awful tween stage, and her behavior is totally unexpected for an eight year old!

I guess that the point of this very long-winded post, is that I really need advice. My daughter is embarrassed of her family and wants to grow up really quickly.

Am I being unreasonable/mean for refusing to let her be on the internet, dress up (wear boots with heels in public!) and generally join in on things that I think she is much too young for?

Also, what is the attraction of these LOL dolls and shopkins??? They seems ridiculously overpriced, but suddenly she desperately needs some for xmas...

DD2 is one of the oldest in year 4. She loves Shopkins and LOL dolls. She also still loves he4 bab6 dolls and I hope that continues for a while.

I don’t allow high heels, but, as she regularly performs on stage, she has more make up than I do,. She might occasionally ask to wear it for a family dinner, but it doesn’t have the allure of being banned.

I would say have a look round at what team sports are available in your area- football and cricket for girls in particular are having lots of money and investment thrown
At it. Lots of the big footie clubs are doing girlsOnly sessions,After school
Clubs and are heavily subsidised and you don’t need to be a keen footie player even at 8 - you can be a beginner. Look out for the Wildcats programme in your area funded. H the FA.
It’s been brill for my 8 year old, and she’s now part of something that’s not to do with school, that’s only focused on how you look or YouTube or whatever and she LOVES the camaraderie plus she’s getting good exercise at a time when girls start to get self conscious about it...

NOT focused on how you look that should
Say!!

She sounds completely normal.op! Sad but true. If its any consolation dd 11 won't be seen out of trainers after loving my high heels at 8.
Jeans at 8...very normal!

I think it's picking your battles. You can say no to everything but in the case of the tat presents why would you. Tons of kids are into LOL dolls.

My DD is nearly 7 (yr 2). She's always had a strong sense of fashion and what she wants to wear. I compromise and let her put her outfits together, and when we go shopping she can generally pick clothes she likes. Although I've said no to crop tops and heels too. My DD loves makeup. She will sit for ages practicing it. But she's never allowed it on outside the house. The most she can take out is a flavoured lip balm with no colour.
It's not easy navigating this that's for sure. But I do think saying no to everything just adds to the allure.

I dont think make up is a big deal either...it dosn't turn us all into wanton hussys you know...its experimenting with war paint.

She seems normal. Maybe give her some leeway, so some basic makeup to play with in the house and maybe if she goes to a party a bit of eyeshadow or blusher, just a bit of experimentation. As for the tantrums that’s normal too, from my experience (DD isn’t 8 yet, but I have lots of female siblings and cousins) 8 is the prime age for them to really start. I think hormones are starting to kick off at around this age for a lot of girls, and they’re in that stage of being a little kid but also feeling quite grown up so it can be confusing for them. Just pick your battles.

Yanbu re social media and the internet
Yabu re the Lol dolls. Girls that age love them.

My DD has some cheap high heels as she was desperate to have some. They’re from Asda, the heel is a block heel about half an inch high. They’re not that different to tap shoes. She loves them as they clip when she walks. She’s 9 but got those for her Christmas party last year.

I don't see the issue with her wanting LOL dolls and Shopkins, that's hardly inappropriate? Lots of kids love LOL dolls and my DD had Shopkins at 4/5! She is 7, 8 next year and has asked for the little collectable hatchimals. Saying that, we've never bought LOL dolls due to the price of one being ridiculous, but don't mind the other collectable items.

I would say no to Instagram, no to heels & crop tops and I'd probably buy kids make up. Could you sign her up to an after school club or something like gymnastics etc? My daughter's attitude towards us calms a little when she's been!

I was going to say pick your battles but someone's beaten me to it.

Stand your ground on the stuff that matters - Instagram (way below age limit, risk of online bullying, risk of grooming) and heels (damage to feet which are still growing and musculo skeletal problems).

Let the dolls and makeup go.

My Dd has a similar list - for her birthday I got her some smart, practical ankle boots, they have a heel of around 1cm (I think her wellies have a bigger heel) and are a bit sparkly. But, they make a “clip clop” noise when she walks and she loves them. Would something like that be a good compromise?

Yes normal and they do grow out of it. My dds had dress up high shoes but a few years on they will only wear sports clothing in dark colours. One dd loved dolls until she was about 11.

I remember a time when I was 5 /6 , and I was obsessed with platform heels. My mum let me buy a pair. I LOVED them! I would walk around the house in them all the time, as well as dressing up in skirts etc (I had older sisters with nicer clothes!). But I never actually went outside the house in them still loved them though! And I have photo's of me wearing them around the house!

So I think being obsessed with heels (or boots with heels) at 8 years old is normal. But I can't imagine she would have any opportunities to wear them outside of the house!

I started getting in to make up at 12, but I appreciate others probably start younger.

I too, was very embarrassed by my parents and our house etc. it's totally normal! I grew out of it of course! But probably not until late teens to be honest

Didn't have social media when I was 8, but I know of kids nowadays, say 9 or 10, who are on Snapchat and are obsessed with it. But to be honest, they have very little to actually contribute to it! They just snap their friends boring things, in my opinion!

I definitely wouldn't let her on Instagram though!

Your daughter sounds normal

Agree with the pick your battles and give her something to rail against. It’s part of growing up. I was quite relaxed about allowing my DDs to choose their own clothes at that age (within reason) as they never really went anywhere without me. By the time they were teens and more independent their wilder clothing inclinations had calmed down and tended to choose more appropriate clothing for themselves. In fact my youngest DD didn’t undo her top buttons until in her 20s!

I think you need to pick your battles. At 8yo she needs to feel more in control of some aspects of her life. I have an 8yo DD. She chooses her own clothes, I think it’s really important for girls to learn that they have control over their own bodies and not to be shamed, so if I were you I would stay out of her clothing choices and definitely avoid labeling clothes too tight or too short or too sexy. My DD went through a phase with make up, she was really into it for a few months then got bored of it. It’s at the back of a cupboard now, if she brings it out again that’s fine by me. She also has a pair of shoes with heels, she can hardly walk in them so doesn’t really wear them. LOL is tat just like many other of these faddy toys, so no better, no worse - if you can afford it buy it, otherwise explain to her it is too expensive.

The internet is the line I draw.

Once you relax a bit, talk to her about her attitude to you and her family. Explain that love is what matters in a family, not age or marriage, and explain how her behaviour toward you is unkind and unloving.

'Maybe it wouldn't hurt to let her dress more like her friends'

Of course it won't, and it might do her a power of good. Being conspicuously different to the group is quite tough.. Even if one or two of her friends have the odd item you think is unacceptably inappropriate, most of what is worn will be just fine and your DD can easily leave the position of 'outlier' in that respect.

You need to differentiate between actually harmful things and things that you just don’t like.

Instagram at 8 would be a definite no, too much potential for actual harm.

LOL dolls are tat yes, but 8 year olds love tat, and they’re age appropriate tat. Most kids toys have little or no appeal to adults, I’d get them for Christmas if that’s what she wants.

You’ll spend the next 10 years making these decisions about what to let her have/do, balancing between making her happy and keeping her safe, so I’m afraid you’ll better get used to it!

Agree with others that Shopkins and LOL dolls are totally normal for this age! Do you ever have her friends round to play? It might give you more of an idea about what girls this age like.
In terms of Instagram, I agree don't give unfettered access, but is there someone in particular she wants to follow under supervision? or is it just latest "buzz" word at school.

Just a point on keeping her a little girl. In Year 4, many of the girls will be starting to develop prior to hitting puberty in Y5/6. They have a whole mass of hormones swimming around that they don't really know what to do with. Of course this might not be your daughter, but you do need to stop thinking about her as "little".

My dd is 9, im also young. 8 brought massive changes for us, very emotional and stroppy. I read up that hormones start kicking in for girls at that age and they begin around 4 years before their periods start. This makes sense to me so I'm going with it! We still are in the midst of stroppiness and attitude and every day theres a drama but I think its very common in this age group. Shes getting better, I find talking to her on a more grown up level really helped. We have lots of 'girls chats' now which she loves but she is definitely still a drama queen. It just kind of came out of nowhere and I wasnt expecting such huge changes so quickly but shes also grown up hugely in the last year! Good luck!

I had DD when I was 17 and she is very proud that I look younger than her friends' parents, however she won't invite anyone back to our (beautiful!) Victorian terraced house because everyone she knows lives in massive 7-figure detached houses...she invites her friends to her grandparents' places instead!

My mum had me at 33 and I remember being horribly embarrassed that she smoked and was overweight! This is all to say that you're going to be embarrassing. You could be a rich pop star, married for 20 years, and your kids would still find lots to cringe about.

Stick to your guns on the social media, 8 is far too young (my DD is 11 and still not allowed Instagram or Tik Tok!) but I'd accept the shopkins/LOL dolls thing is probably normal...and a good thing if it distracts her from social media for a bit longer!

I've got a teen dd and what you're going through sounds pretty normal to me.

crap toys: most kids' toys are crap. Let her have what she wants.

revealing clothes: no, but go clothes shopping with her to try and find a compromise between her ideal (tasteless teen) and your ideal (nice children's clothes)

make up and high heels: yes for experimenting and dressing up at home, no for out of the house

embarrassed by parents: very normal and gets worse (I'm almost out of the other side and dd's 17). I've had to walk behind dd when she spotted children from school when we were out together so that she could pretend that I was nothing to do with her (it was just about ok if her friends that I knew saw us, but would be a fate worse than death to be spotted by the cool kids)

Children often crave the next thing that makes them feel grown up.

When they get to 12 and they already have the high heels, make-up, social media and sexy clothing, what will they then be craving? Smoking? Drugs? Sex?

It's your job to make a judgement on what's appropriate and control the pace.

I saw a ten year old's birthday party recently and the birthday girl was wearing a full face of make-up, high heels, large earrings and clingy clothes. She was sporting a v fashionable handbag too. It was quite a bizarre scene to behold and I wondered what the conversations would be when those things got old and she needed the next step towards feeling grown-up.

I'm sure that half of the children at that table went home and told their parents that 'everyone else' was wearing high heels and make-up, even though the all of rest were much more appropriately dressed. If they give in to the pressure, it just accelerates the process for everyone.

Stand your ground and get her involved in some activities that will support her self-esteem and help her to feel grown-up in other ways.

My DDs (10 and 7) are always wanting to wear my high heeled shoes and they love experimenting with make up, nail varnish and short skirts. It's all play, though; I make sure they tone it down outside the house. The funny thing is that I'm not particularly into those things, so it's what they've picked up from the TV.

They were very into LOL dolls a couple of years ago, but they've lost interest now.

They keep asking to be on social media as well, but we've told them they have to wait until they're 13. They also want to have their own you-tube channel, but we've told them that definitely isn't happening. Apart from the dangers of grooming, they're adopted and there's the risk that they could make contact with their birth families prematurely.

DD1 in particular is vulnerable and gets too easily attached to any adult who shows her attention, which obviously makes her at risk of being groomed.

So yes, the behaviours you describe are very normal, but they need a lot of guidance. They think they know it all (DD2 certainly thinks that ) so they need very firm boundaries.

I also have an 8yo DD and I find that at that age they are trying to assert their independence and are really good at knowing what gets a reaction out of you - so in your case, she has probably realised that saying her family is weird/young/different pushes some button for you. My DD also would love to be on social media (not allowed), and wear heels (also not allowed). Clearly you cannot allow things simply to compensate for her 'embarrassment of her family' - she will play that card hard and fast once she knows it has effect (and they will always find something to be embarrassed about - too young, too old, too loud, too anything). She sounds pretty normal in pushing boundaries. I also dislike Shopkins and LOLz (overpriced plastic tat)- but pick your battles.

I have an 8yo dd, separated parents although I’m 32now (I still feel like a young mum).

I’m very keen to make sure she fits in with her peers, I had a strict mum and remember getting teased at school for not having the right ‘stuff’. Rightly or wrongly, I just think life is hard enough.

She has an iPod touch that she can message from (handy when she’s at her dads) but no social media accounts - I’m dreading high school.

I let her pick a lot of her own clothes with my only rules being no heels (beyond an inch or so) and no visible tummy.

She’s kind of past lols and shopkins but had gone back to barbies and Lego friends - totally agree with PPs these are standard toys for 5-9 I would think.

Make up wise she had a couple of tinted lip balms and some sparkly eye shadow.

I wouldn’t say any of that is growing up too fast