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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Eight year old daughter- acting out and wants to do things that I find inappropriate. AIBU?

123 replies

needcoffeemeow · 10/12/2019 03:38

Hi all! longtime lurker, first time poster here.

I'm at my wits end with my daughter. First off, her Dad and I aren't together, but we live in same town and have 60/40 custody. I'm a young mum (24) which is its own thing.

My daughter is usually lovely, sweet and generally well-behaved. However, recently we've been having a lot of tantrums, strops etc. This can be from getting ready for school, going to after-school club/going to her Dad's...
She seems to want to do things/get things that I find inappropriate. Today we had a fight about being on instagram (I said absolutely not!) she wants clothes that are very tight/revealing. And for xmas, she wants a load of tat (LOL dolls) high heels (?????!!!!!) among other things.

She is in year 4 and is one of the youngest in her class. I've noticed that she has started to become interested in things that are more 'grown-up'. Last year I couldn't get her out of jeans and into her school uniform to save my life, and this year she is suddenly really into how she looks, what people think of her.

She seems to be embarrassed that she has young parents and said just last week that "she is the only one with a weird family". Most of her friends come from two parent households, parents are older. Her dad and I have explained that all families are different, and that some parents are younger than others. I wonder if some of this acting out/wanting to grow up quickly is due to her wanting to 'fit in' as she feels out of place due to her younger age and different family set up.

Part of me wants her to stay tiny forever, and another part thinks that I should just be easier on her. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to let her dress more like her friends, or let her join in with makeup, those strange 'unwrapping toys'. I just miss who she was only a few months ago. I keep hoping that this is a stage, but I can't see my little girl anymore. It feels like we are entering this awful tween stage, and her behavior is totally unexpected for an eight year old!

I guess that the point of this very long-winded post, is that I really need advice. My daughter is embarrassed of her family and wants to grow up really quickly.

Am I being unreasonable/mean for refusing to let her be on the internet, dress up (wear boots with heels in public!) and generally join in on things that I think she is much too young for?

Also, what is the attraction of these LOL dolls and shopkins??? They seems ridiculously overpriced, but suddenly she desperately needs some for xmas...

OP posts:

Zombieseverywhere · 10/12/2019 12:04

My 8 and 9yr olds love lol dolls, only thing they play with. My 9yr old is desperate for tiktok but all sm is a firm no.
I've allowed my girls to have make up to play with at home but proper stuff rather than toy make up.
Sadly they growing up :(

Justonemoremojito · 10/12/2019 12:06

Primark have some cute little make up sets, not very expensive & not too grown up, I bought my little girl some bit for xmas, glittery bright etc..... I used to play with make up at that age & I barely wear it now!

Drabarni · 10/12/2019 12:08

You have entered the everyone stage
I just used to let them follow what I agreed with and what I didn't they had to be different.
It's good to teach them to be different and not follow like sheeple. A valuable lesson for life, be original a leader not a follower.

Wild123 · 10/12/2019 12:09

Your 8yo sounds pretty normal. My 8 yo DD DD loves LOL and makeup (doesn't get from me as i hardly wear any ever). I let her wear and have brought from xmas neutral makeup (pink toned/light/glitter eye shadows, highlighter and a little lip gloss/chap sticks)

If she had her way she'd have been walking around all summer in a bikini and crop tops but i won't let her have either (I also make her put cycling shorts under dresses). She loves taking a selfie and is always
self critical about what she's wearing and whether i have brought something thats "her style".

JemSynergy · 10/12/2019 12:10

She sounds normal to me. I have a 10 year old and she suddenly became very aware of herself when she reached 8 - 9. She went from a confident outgoing child to suddenly being very worried about what people thought about her. She also became more vocal about what she wanted to wear.

FizzyIce · 10/12/2019 12:20

Why on earth does an 8/9 year old need instagram?
It’s for people to show off or for vanity reasons ,why would you want your children to think this is normal from such a young age ?

MachineBee · 10/12/2019 16:06

@Wild123 - why do you make your daughter wear cycle shorts under dresses? Seems to be sending a message that she needs to cover up her body unnaturally.

Wild123 · 10/12/2019 16:35

@MachineBee because she is constantly doing kart wheels everywhere she goes and i don't wish to stop her doing what she likes doing but equally not happy for just anybody around to see her knickers!

I'm definitely not trying to send her a message she need to cover her body un-naturally but want her to have respect for her body and who see's it!

FizzyIce · 10/12/2019 16:44

@Wild123 dd went through this stage and we did the same in summer , it’s just a modesty thing rather than anything else . I don’t see how wearing shorts is “unnatural” , I used to do the same at high school as my skirts were quite short

Booboostwo · 10/12/2019 17:24

Why should girls be modest if they don’t choose to be? Why would a parents feelings over a child showing their knickers matter at all? If a child is embarrassed showing her knickers when doing cartwheels she can choose to wear shorts, but anything else is both controlling and damaging. You are creating a pattern where someone bigger and stronger than your child tells them to be embarrassed of their body, to hide it and to adopt their views on modesty, as well as making her feel bad about her body.

FizzyIce · 10/12/2019 17:27

Oh fuck off.. controlling ? ..please .
She’s 8 , and she’s happy to wear them .

bridgetreilly · 10/12/2019 17:47

Knickers cover private parts.

You do not need a cover to cover up the cover. Cycling shorts under dresses/skirts for kids are ridiculous.

1happyhippie · 10/12/2019 17:49

My dds had shorts under skirts and dresses at times. So did their friends 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t see the issue. They were happy to wear them and I was happy they were covered up while swinging on the bars and doing cartwheels.
Hasn’t done mine any harm.
Silly thing to pick up on.

jellycatspyjamas · 10/12/2019 17:59

It’s a long contested issue on Mumsnet - I’m in the “knickers cover what they need to” school of thought and make sure I buy ones that do indeed cover what they should. If and when my daughter wants to wear shorts under a skirt I’ll be happy to accommodate that - she does gymnastics so I think her cartwheeling days will last well beyond puberty, though I suspect she’ll grow out of cartwheeling in her school skirt.

Wild123 · 10/12/2019 18:26

I'm not teaching her to be embarrassed about her body at all and if she had her way would walk around with just her knickers most of the time.

We are very open in my house about body issues and I'm teaching her to have respect for her body and that its not appropriate for everyone to see it. Shes 8 not 18 so yes i will have a say in who sees what of my daughter and she's aware of the reasons, understands and is happy.

Booboostwo · 10/12/2019 19:26

Why is it respectful of her body to cover it up and how far does she need to cover it? Are burkas super respectful then? And do you do the same with your DSs? Do they wear tight shorts over their underwear in case a testicle pops out? Do they learn to be modest and respectful of their bodies?

FizzyIce I salute the intellectual force of your compelling argument.

FizzyIce · 10/12/2019 19:59

@Booboostwo I don’t have to argue with you or prove anything to you .
I parent as I see fit and couldn’t give a flying fuck what some stranger on the internet thinks .
You are a special kind of stupid to compare a pair of shorts to a burka , sounds like you have some issues there ..

Wild123 · 10/12/2019 20:13

@boohoostwo with all due respect I'll bring my daughter up as i, her mother, see fit. Its not for you to judge and comment that I'm damaging her.

Booboostwo · 10/12/2019 21:08

Sounds like you both put a lot of bought into your parenting choices and are competently able to justify them, good job!

thepeopleversuswork · 10/12/2019 21:51

Totally normal to want all those things at that age. For me the Instagram would be an absolute red line as would the high heels. I have given my DD some used makeup for dressing up occasionally but wouldn’t buy it new. Agree that you should talk to her about different kinds of families. I wouldn’t worry though it sounds very normal.

Celestine70 · 11/12/2019 17:59

Your the mum so do what feels right to you. She has to accept your rules and boundaries.

Jack80 · 11/12/2019 18:05

The only thing I think is odd is the Insta thing try and keep her off it till older

Mary54 · 11/12/2019 18:07

Don’t have time to google the toys right now and no idea what they are.
But agree that 8 is too young for internet and social media. Also would be very nervous about such a young girl wearing revealing clothing. I understand that in a perfect world, what a person (and especially a female person) wears should be irrelevant. But the world isn’t perfect and there are some very odd people in it. Better safe than sorry

Maybe you could let her play dressing up with some of your clothes and makeup-on the understanding she only does it at home?

Agree entirely about the “everyone else” phase. This is perfectly normal. Try telling her that “everyone else” feels the same way about something in their lives?

MrsBadcrumble123 · 11/12/2019 18:24

Be a parent not a mate - she may not like it - tough s**t - makesure dad backs you up!

ToftyAC · 11/12/2019 18:33

Social media? No (unless policed by you), LOL dolls fine, and heeled boots? Depends on the style. Overall YANBU, but you gotta pick your battles.

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