Eight year old daughter- acting out and wants to do things that I find inappropriate. AIBU?

[needcoffeemeow]

Hi all! longtime lurker, first time poster here.

I'm at my wits end with my daughter. First off, her Dad and I aren't together, but we live in same town and have 60/40 custody. I'm a young mum (24) which is its own thing.

My daughter is usually lovely, sweet and generally well-behaved. However, recently we've been having a lot of tantrums, strops etc. This can be from getting ready for school, going to after-school club/going to her Dad's...
She seems to want to do things/get things that I find inappropriate. Today we had a fight about being on instagram (I said absolutely not!) she wants clothes that are very tight/revealing. And for xmas, she wants a load of tat (LOL dolls) high heels (?????!!!!!) among other things.

She is in year 4 and is one of the youngest in her class. I've noticed that she has started to become interested in things that are more 'grown-up'. Last year I couldn't get her out of jeans and into her school uniform to save my life, and this year she is suddenly really into how she looks, what people think of her.

She seems to be embarrassed that she has young parents and said just last week that "she is the only one with a weird family". Most of her friends come from two parent households, parents are older. Her dad and I have explained that all families are different, and that some parents are younger than others. I wonder if some of this acting out/wanting to grow up quickly is due to her wanting to 'fit in' as she feels out of place due to her younger age and different family set up.

Part of me wants her to stay tiny forever, and another part thinks that I should just be easier on her. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to let her dress more like her friends, or let her join in with makeup, those strange 'unwrapping toys'. I just miss who she was only a few months ago. I keep hoping that this is a stage, but I can't see my little girl anymore. It feels like we are entering this awful tween stage, and her behavior is totally unexpected for an eight year old!

I guess that the point of this very long-winded post, is that I really need advice. My daughter is embarrassed of her family and wants to grow up really quickly.

Am I being unreasonable/mean for refusing to let her be on the internet, dress up (wear boots with heels in public!) and generally join in on things that I think she is much too young for?

Also, what is the attraction of these LOL dolls and shopkins??? They seems ridiculously overpriced, but suddenly she desperately needs some for xmas...

My 8 year old still likes LOLs. She also likes books!

Not a chance would I let her wear boots with heels or go on Instagram though.

Let her get her LOLs and shopkins, they are innocent wee toys.

I would say no to the social media and no to the heels, personally, though plenty of children do seem to wear little heels these days. But I would definitely let her choose clothes, play with make up, and have the stupid dolls.

My dd is two and reading this thread I am fearful for her future, Instagram, high heels and makeup at 8?? I think that's too much at even 12!! The world is turning into a perverts paradise if we are letting our CHILDREN dress and act as adults from such young ages. I hate seeing very young girls walking around with skin tight jeans and tiny crop tops but it's normal fashion for them now apparently.

I think if you are worried about her growing up too soon (and I totally agree - I think there is a lot of pressure especially on girls to 'grow up' veyr young) then the little dolls she likes are a good sign - I would get her those. They fit the desire to play make believe and the desire to 'collect' things, which is very common at this age.
I too would draw the line at instagram or any social media - it isn't necessaary and they are far too young to understand the implications of misuse.
High heels and 'grow up' clothes make up etc - I would compromise - take her shopping, she's old enough to choose what she likes, but within the guidelines of what you think is appropriate. Maybe a pair of low 'high' heels for parties or discos. What does her dad think - are you both ont he same page so she can't persuade one of you that the other has approved certain things:
IME of working with children - 8 is just the age they go through this desire to have grown up (or what they perceive as grown up) things, there is a lot of peer pressure. But they very often grow out of it by about 10/11 as they find their own identity. Experimenting with how they look is part of learning who they are and she will settle into her own skin before too long.
And I agree with a PP - hobby or activity groups with a mixture of children outside school are very good for letting children realise there are lots of different types of people and you don;t have to follow the crowd if you don't want to.

Ah yes, the "but everyone else has/is doing XYZ" card! Ask round the parents. Chances are it will turn out this isn't the case.

And sometimes talking to other parents gives a genuinely new perspective. I was dead against a phone before secondary, but DS's best friend's parents made the reasonable point that giving them a phone a bit earlier (e.g. 11th birthday) gave them a chance to get used to looking after it and meant the novelty value had worn off.

I think the key is to ask yourself "why am I setting these restriction?" Is it for sensible reasons like child protection (eg internet use) or is it that emotional response we all have of "I don't want my baby to grow up"? (Incidentally that can be right, eg when you want to put the brakes on prematurely sexualised behaviour before they're emotionally mature enough, or can be wrong, if it's just down to your own fear of them growing up).

The other thing is all kids are different. Age 10, for instance, one child may have a strong grasp of "it's just make believe" and be okay with 12 certificate films, another child who is easily scared, or very literal minded (thus liable to act out on screen punch ups with their younger sibling not realising that in the real world this leads to people getting hurt) may not be okay with 12 certificates.

Let her have the LOL dolls anf shopkins. I don't see how these are different to the my little pony or barbies played with by young girls.

The other issues I would suggest a compromise. So for example buying the clothes together and try find ones both of you are happy with. Social media is tricky. I don't like the idea of young kids on social media but I think a possible compromise would be it is set to private, she has to add you as a friend, and you need to aprove anyone one she adds as a friend as well as being allowed to login and check on her accoount at any time. If she kicks a fuss about the rules or breaks them you will remove the account and explain why she lost the privilege.

Mum and dad being embrassing is all very normal. Embrace it and laugh at it. Try not to let it get to you. Likely she is picking your age because she knows that you are a bit sensitive about it. Girls at that age have a radar for the sore spot! Laugh it off.

Tacky toys I would allow unless very expensive.

Absolute no to social media

I might compromise on make up and high heels at home but would be a hard rule that it is for dress up only and will be taken away if there is any fuss about that rule.

But find your own boundaries and enforce them kindly but firmly, with confidence.

Sounds normal to me. I have 7 and 8 year old DD’s and they’re only just moving past LOL dolls now but I think I have manufactured it in ways because I can’t stand plastic waste.

I have found seven and eight to be the trickiest ages thus far. My DS is 9 and he has settled down over the past year but he was also a nuisance at 7/8 as the DDs are now. People say toddlers are hard until their child turns 7 and starts having full blown tantrums over absolutely nothing...

Think it’s normal for them to start comparing to other families and people too, I remember doing it myself at a similar age. She’s just carving her own individual personality separate from you. It’s the start of many tricky years to come I’m afraid, teenagers are rotten .

The ‘but everyone else has it’ line has been used by children for decades, did you never pull this one on your own parents? I know I did.

Hi.
The LOL unwrapping dolls etc, what's the big deal? They're a fad, exciting and a super fun present! They're not rude or bad in any way. Yes fairly expensive but most things are. Imagine she is at school and all her friends are talking about having a new toy yet she's not had one and would just love to try one? I don't see the big deal there, it's just a mini Barbie but more fun as there are more surprises! It'll do no harm for her and sounds like it'll make her very happy! Whats your reason for hating them? It's just a toy. My daughter is actually 6 and has pretty much grown out of them already tbh!

As for the clothes - yes I agree, nothing too inappropriate. That will come in time for her to wear more grown up clothes, she's still little!

Your family unit - you sound caring and loving, as long as she knows that, that's what matters!

Hope everything sorts out, and have a lovely Christmas!!

My 8 yr old dd has a 12 yr old sister and it's a constant battle as she wants to be allowed to do and have what her sister has.

High heels, make up and hair are things my 8 yr old now wants. I just tell her no. I find reasoning with her or explaining just extends the conversation and she'll argue everything. No is a sentence, so is 'because I say so'

The harm to young people's mental health & behaviour from social media is well-known, from exposure to bullying, body shaming, grooming and so on, but still parents give in, the mind boggles. Well done for protecting your DD from that.
My DD is 10, she has a slight interest in make-up etc but she gets to play with that at friend's houses, she hasn't yet approached me about it - I think she's picked up very quickly I'm a frumpy grouch!
As for toys, all toys are tat.
God I sound miserable today!
You both sound like good parents to your DD - age is irrelevant.

You sound like you doing everything right.
She sounds typical wanting to be like others...just be firm on some things like Instagram

Maybe see if school or other organisation locally run any parenting tweens or teens classes so you can be prepared and feel more confident .

Compromise. Pick your battles.

Let her wear fashionable clothes but no crop tops or heels. Let her have a couple of LOL dolls alongside some nicer toys. Ignore the shit about what everyone else has and do a lot of talking about diversity.

Put your foot down re social media. For many years yet.

I think the only thing you are being unreasonable for is the ‘tat’ op. My Dd is 8 too and she’s very much in to her LoLa because most of her school friends are! If I didn’t let her have what she wants for Christmas tat wise than there’s a risk of her being excluded socially. The toys are a harmless trend at the moment but if that’s what she’s in to what’s the harm?

the other things, I’m completely with you. It all seems very inappropriate and teen-like. No way would I let my Dd have a phone, never mind social media accounts.

*LOLs

Reading some hysterical comments about kids wearing heels making a "pervert's paradise" I feel the need say "hang on a minute"! Children have always wanted to dress up! Always! I was mad for my glamorous Aunts' high heels and would have lived in them if I could at that age!

LOL sounds appropriate, in fact, at 8 I would have even said it's a nicely young present.

Don't worry about the "too young" comments. I'm ancient, nearly 60 (mid 40's!), old and weird according to my DS. Remain calm and laugh it off.

I'd say no social media until 13+ and maybe high heels for wearing at home, but otherwise I think let her enjoy the other stuff?

You can’t have it both ways .. no toys that she actually wants and also no clothes that are too old for her , you need to make up your mind.
Lol dolls, while expensive shite are very popular and other than the odd inappropriate clothing for them ,they are fine for an 8 year old , my dd is 8 and loves them so happy to get them for her .
This is where the similarities end, dd is happy to wear cutesy clothes and not high heels , doesn’t even talk about social media and the only thing she seems to get annoyed about it how I do her hair or how she wants her hair in the mornings.
Make up? No

Her friends are all the same too.

Lol dolls and shopkins at 8!?

In surprised by that as my 7 year old and her friends would have played with them at 5/6...!! But not now!!

My 8yo and her friends are all still mad about LOL surprise dolls.

To be honest the toys aren't age inappropriate. If anything they are quite young for her DD2 has had LOL's and shopkins since 3 and tbh the amount of ply hours she's had out of them it's been worth it. She still plays with them daily now aged 6 but my 9 year old wouldn't entertain then and never has as she was already around 6 when they became popular.

Clothes I can't say I police too hard. DD1 has been learning about body autonomy at school and points this out when her dad tried to make her wear trousers (she will only wear shorts with bare legs)

Instagram I'm not keen on but I did let her have at 9. All her friends were on it and like you she's the child of a single parent. We are also low income where as all her friends have 2 professional parents at home so it was widening the gap for her by being the only one not on there. I police it tightly though. That one is your call but the rest is pretty normal behaviour

Agree with @BarbaraStrozzi

Absolutely 100% - absolutely No Way on social media (I'm in marketing/Msc in Digital Marketing) and even for me the 13 YO limit is way too young judging on what I've seen.

My DD 6 and her friends clip about in my (too big) heels in the house and play being "big" with their "lipstick" on, which is clear vaseline lip balm.

Not allowed their own shoes but dressing up and pretending is cool in our house.

Social media and actual make up I'll resist to the end.

My 8yo and all her friends are also LOL mad.

I have an 8 year old DD. She’s pretty icy growing out of LOL dolls and shopkins, into karaoke, dancing, etc as well as barbie type dolls. She loves dressing up, make up and heels - we got her sparkly shoes for a family wedding that had maybe half an inch heel which she loved and we were fine with. I’d be saying no to a heel on school shoes, boots etc but I see lots on sale so someone’s buying them. My DD has her own sense of style and chooses her own clothes more or less, with some guidance from me depending on length of skirt 😁

She would love to be on Insta and have a you-tube channel both of which are a hard no from me, her online activity is very tightly monitored. She still loves playing imaginative games, make believe etc I’ve no fear she might be growing up too fast.

SM definitely not, make up a little for play at home, heels no.

What is wrong with LOL dolls? What do you think she should be wanting in the way of toys for xmas?