AIBU to want to give up, partly because I feel so alone :-(

[Pitterpatterpotter]

I work in a senior role in a school, surrounded by people all the time and I do a great job. I am known for being kind and warm and my role is very much about looking after the wellbeing of others.
The reality is I’m crippled with anxiety and probably mild depression too. I’m having weekly therapy, not medicated after a couple of disastrous attempts which left me with suicidal side effects, and struggling every day.
I’m genuinely a million times better than I was (and grateful for that) but I’m getting more and more lonely every day at work and that somehow makes me more panicky.

I try really hard to hide it and yet it breaks my heart that no one has noticed
I do a brilliant job helping others and I think I’m a good mum and these things give me purpose but I just feel like giving up and acknowledging I’ll never be truly happy again.

Gosh that sounds very hard. Is there a colleague you could confide in? Do you have a supportive partner?

Sorry I didn’t mean to turn on the voting!

One senior colleague knows some of what I’ve been through but thinks I’m completely fine now!! I’ve genuinely tried to be a bit more open about my mental health and my life generally but people don’t seem to notice even when I’m trying to tell them. They just see friendly, competent PitterPatterPotter and so don’t even hear what I’m saying. When I try to be more open and people still don’t notice I feel worse than ever so I’ve stopped trying

They just see friendly, competent PitterPatterPotter and so don’t even hear what I’m saying. When I try to be more open and people still don’t notice I feel worse than ever so I’ve stopped trying
I have no words of wisdom to help unfortunately, but I am in the same situation.

Jupiters

Wish I could show someone this thread
Today is a super happy Christmassy day at work and I’ve been awake since 5 feeling panicky and heavy. I’m happiest at home with my family and just don’t want to go. It’s heartbreaking as I love my job so much but the isolation I feel is affecting my already terrible anxiety and fragile mood.

Would it help to reduce your working hours do you think? Sorry you are feeling this way

How old are you OP?
I have had a year or so of feeling like this.
Im48 and peri menopausal.
I’ve gone from being friendly and nice to wanting to avoid everyone.
Have just started HRT and starting to see an improvement

I can’t in my role. It’s a senior role and it’s full time. My dc are older and nearly all at secondary school so the reality of staying at home is that I’ll probably end up more anxious and bored. When I first became unwell with ptsd and subsequent depression, work was a life saver and I was my best at work. Now I’m a lot better I’ve let my guard down a little bit and taken off the exhausting ‘I’m perfect’ face (which my psychologist says is an important part of the process) but now suddenly work seems tougher. The actual teaching part of my job is still great but it’s the relationships with colleagues I find hard and my role is to look after the wellbeing of staff.

@OverByYer Late thirties. I do have hormonal problems and have had a number of blood tests but so far I’m not peri menopausal yet apparently

I’m happiest at home with my family and just don’t want to go

This was one of my menopausal symptoms too. I’m surprised Counselling isn’t helping, this seems an ideal presentation for being helped by talking therapy.

I’ve gone from being friendly and nice to wanting to avoid everyone

This is me! I put it down to the ptsd and panic attacks which affected my mood.

I really am so much better than I was and can’t understand why I suddenly feel like this about my colleagues. I think maybe it’s because it’s my job to care and notice when others aren’t ok but no one has noticed me falling apart in front of their eyes.

Could you step down a role ? Lose some responsibilities ?

I work in safeguarding and manage staff so spend all my time thinking of others.
Do think it would be nice for someone to care about me.
My managers don’t really care mainly because I’ve always done so well by myself.

@vivacian the therapy has helped a lot as the ptsd was giving me panic attacks every day, I was scared of everything and couldn’t open up to anyone, not even my best friends. I was even self harming a bit and that’s when I knew I needed help. All those things are better.
My thought processes are so much better too with the therapy too and I’m enjoying many aspects of my life that I couldn’t for about a year. But I still have a way to go but at this less acute stage when a lot of the work has been done, I feel I do want more people to know to support me. I’ve had intensive therapy for months dragging up horrible things and I’m exhausted from that too.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds tough. Could I suggest daily yoga? I know it sounds like a nothing-y idea but the inner strength and relaxation it gives you are really amazing, you can find short daily practices on YouTube. I hope someone else can help you with a solution to the situation, my suggestion is hopefully just a small help.

@Soozikinzii I will have more people to delegate to in the new year after some restructuring so the day to day load will reduce. I do enjoy my job though and work itself doesn’t cause the problem. It’s how I feel in that environment.
I’m longing to sit with my amazing boss, cry, give him a summary of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come, and ask him to support me onwards. He’s lovely and he would but I can’t bring myself to tell him or any of the others because I’ve tried (in a round about way) and no one has heard one noticed

@OverByYer
Do think it would be nice for someone to care about me. My managers don’t really care mainly because I’ve always done so well by myself.

^this! And now after many years of being genuinely fine, I am struggling with my own mental health, it is so bloody hard being the one who is always ‘fine’

@HTruffle I confess that’s one reason I’m feeling worse at the moment. I was doing mindfulness and yoga a lot and I just stopped after half term because I was too busy. My mood has 100% plummeted. Maybe I should keep myself accountable on mumsnet! I really need to start that routine again

I feel I do want more people to know to support me.

I’m curious as to what that would look like. How do you want them to support you?

@vivacian I honestly don’t know! Even as simple as asking if I’m ok which people don’t because I’m always ‘on’. Or just knowing I can say ‘it’s a bad day’ and people will understand that I’m not 100% at the moment. Subtle support not intervention as I’m already getting the help I need.
I’m probably just being over tired and a bit flat before Christmas. It’s just shit being lonely in a busy and happy place

Are you one of those people who work hard, always try your best, look after others and keep them ok? I wonder if you do this to the detriment of your own needs. Instinctively you know they are there and need meeting but instead of meeting them yourself you look to others to do so?

For example, It’s just shit being lonely in a busy and happy place. Yes it is, so what is it you need and how could you meet that need?

I'm about ten years on from where you are. I remember saying to my then boss one day that I was in a really good mood, and she was surprised, saying I always was. I was really suprised she didn't realise how depressed I generally was - it was around that time I had a suicide attempt, that's how bad I really was day to day.

I think part of the problem, if you generally put a brave face on and hide your true feelings, is that not only do people find it hard to believe you when you tell them the truth, but they also don't want to believe it. If they believe that you, someone they think of as always being so happy and holding everything together is actually on the verge of collapse, what other 'truths' have they got wrong?

This is where my mother is. She can't cope with me having emotions, because I've been hiding them for so long. I remember once crying in front of her when I was about 25, something that happened once in a blue moon, and she told me on the phone later that day that I hadn't really been upset earlier. Because obviously l cry for no reason!

Why don't you write everything down and hand that to your boss, rather than havaing to rely on trying to verbalise it? It sounds like you know he'd be a good person to rely on.

And keep believing. As I say, I'm at least 10 years on and although it's not always been easy I'm in a good place now, and my daily thoughts of suicide have been gone for years. You can get there too.

TimeIhadaNameChange

Your post really resonated. My mum is the one with feelings and I’m not and she can’t accept I have feelings too. That’s come up a lot in my therapy actually. She doesn’t know about any of what has happened to me recently despite us speaking nearly every day.
Thank you for your encouragement. I might write it down and see how I feel.
My biggest fear is that if work know I’m struggling they will think I can’t do my job properly and I know that I can the school think they are good with staff mental health but in my role I know first hand they don’t always handle people sensitively.
Thank you

@vivacian

Are you one of those people who work hard, always try your best, look after others and keep them ok?

Yes!
I don’t know what I need - maybe that’s what I have to work out. I don’t want everyone to know my business, know wha trauma I suffered or about my difficult childhood. But sometimes I think it would be good if some colleagues knew I was on a journey back from the shittest place as that I’m not always feeling as well as I look.