AIBU to want to give up, partly because I feel so alone :-(

[Pitterpatterpotter]

I work in a senior role in a school, surrounded by people all the time and I do a great job. I am known for being kind and warm and my role is very much about looking after the wellbeing of others.
The reality is I’m crippled with anxiety and probably mild depression too. I’m having weekly therapy, not medicated after a couple of disastrous attempts which left me with suicidal side effects, and struggling every day.
I’m genuinely a million times better than I was (and grateful for that) but I’m getting more and more lonely every day at work and that somehow makes me more panicky.

I try really hard to hide it and yet it breaks my heart that no one has noticed
I do a brilliant job helping others and I think I’m a good mum and these things give me purpose but I just feel like giving up and acknowledging I’ll never be truly happy again.

That suggests something to me, that you may need recognition in what you have achieved already in terms of your recovery. How have you marked your success? How have you celebrated it? Some of us have not been brought up to acknowledge and celebrate success in a way that is natural in many societies and families.

@vivacian no I’ve not marked how far I’ve come and quite easily fall into thinking how far I have to go instead of acknowledging the journey so far. Any suggestions as to how? I saw my psychologist today and we did talk about lots of the huge improvements and every day things I cope with now that I simply couldn’t a year ago. I also am starting to trust people more.

I feel for you op and going through similar.

I’m lucky enough that I could reduce hours in my business and therefore less clients, which helped. Could you reduce your hours or workload? Or reduce any ‘home’ workload?
My therapist is amazing. She gave me a book on severe adrenal fatigue and for the last few months I’ve been trying to live a kinder life to myself (I don’t always succeed!)

If it helps for ideas, I treat myself by regular massages/facials-90mins of me time and helps relieve my tension and tight muscles. I’ve not done this since October though and like you, feel a real ‘dip’.

A book called ‘emotional agility’ is very good along with one recommended by my therapist about highly sensitive people by Elaine Aron.

We’re here if you need to chat!

Any suggestions as to how?

Something that’s a real treat for you. A night away? A day out? A present? A celebration meal? An indulgent coffee and cake at a nice coffee shop?

This is a difficult time in the year. You don’t see daylight unless you’re on a freezing call cold duty, the kids are getting hyper and the teachers are exhausted. So be kind to yourself.
Have you heard of the book How to be happy and have everything you want (or something like that)? It was recommended on MN years ago and I loved it. Very practical way of getting more joy in your life.

It's not always nice to be the happy coper in your life.
It can be exhausting.
It can also be a hat that people plonk on your head and don't want you to ever attempt to remove. Because it suits them.

The peri menopause is a real nothing that can go on for years.
A lot of what you describe, was it for me.

Feeling overwhelmed.
Feeling lonely.
Anxiety.
A couple of panic attacks.
Morality fears.
Hormones all over the place.
Definitely avoiding people.
Wanting to be alone.

Not altogether, thank goodness.
But these emotions were very strong and went on for several years. The emotions would come and go, rise and dip.

It was exhausting.
Getting a simple blood test might tell you where you are.

Self care is absolutely critical during these years.
This can be difficult.
But not looking after yourself is a recipe for disaster.
Nutrition is a great area to check out.
Vitamin B complex which supports your nervous system is a great support. Whatever age you are.

💐

Having come through it I feel great

Things have got worse this week after my Christmas do. I’ve been panicky all week at work but not sure why (as I said before work has always been a happy and safe place).
I’ve very low due to the level of anxiety and considering trying antidepressants again if work is no better next term but am scared after the last 2 attempts.
I tried to tell a colleague I felt a bit fragile and wobbly this week and they laughed and said ‘you’re so funny - you’re like a tonic’. I genuinely think they don’t want to see what’s in front of them as they need me to be the one that’s always ok. It feels like a huge fucking burden all of a sudden

I have a few weeks off and home life/ social life with friends is good so hopefully the break will be good for me.

Also booked to see gp to discuss hormones again.

@vivacian I will look at those books. Thank you x

@Oilyoilyoilgob thank you - I will look at that book. This thread has been so kind and encouraging

@billy1966

It's not always nice to be the happy coper in your life.
It can be exhausting.
It can also be a hat that people plonk on your head and don't want you to ever attempt to remove. Because it suits them.

^ this sums it up I think
Thank you for your advice and encouragement

It’s really good to hear from you again, and to hear that you have some time off.

I’m sorry to hear that your colleague’s reaction was so flippant. What were you really trying to tell him?

It was a female colleague and I think I was trying to tell her that although I’ve had a really successful week hosting and organising lots of stuff for others, I’ve found it hard because I am not feeling great and hiding behind a smile. It’s a slightly more complicated situation but I don’t want to be too outing on MN!

After a year of counselling, period of not working, sev months on anti-depressants... I'm feeling well
Have taken a less senior job, part time, new organisation, and really enjoying it, walked home from Christmas meal thinking it was the first time in years (ever?) that I'd enjoyed the "office christmas party".

Rebuilding confidence/recovering from mental ill health in the same environment sounds a lot more daunting than a fresh workplace with no backstory to overcome.

Consider looking for something different in the new year, and think seriously about what you'd like to be doing.

It sounds like your mother parentified you - made you responsible for her feelings and made you her carer until you simply repressed the real you and all your normal human feelings in order to comply with her requirements of you.

This crisis is the inevitable emotional exhaustion which comes of such parental abuse.

If "parentification" resonates with you, the solution is to reduce contact and to refuse to further engage with the abuser's "problems" and to cease giving them information which they can use to further manipulate you. If you need to continue contact, treat them as a close acquaintance - keep at arms length and be very cautious what you tell me and what assistance you provide.

@Fr0g it’s a fairly new job and I do love it, that’s what is so strange. I have had severe anxiety and ptsd due to something that happened before I even started this job. I’d be heartbroken to leave but also I can’t go on feeling this anxious.

If I could go back a year I’d have told my boss and a couple of other senior colleagues (who are lovely) about the anxiety, trauma and all the treatment I’ve been having. That way I’d be in control, I have nothing to be ashamed about and if I have a bad day then I don’t have to fight to keep smiling whilst desperately trying to hide what’s going on in my life. People talk to me at work and I don’t judge them but my fear of them judging me has driven me to hide everything from everyone

OP, sorry to hear this week has been very tough.
I would urge you to have a dispassionate look at your job and what tasks you can move to other people.
It sounds like you are doing too much.
This will ALWAYS suit others, who can avoid it as works for them.

Unfortunately, you will have to be the one who helps yourself.

Make a list and prepare to email your boss with the list of tasks that need to be handed over.

Don't be embarrassed or apologetic for self-care.
People admire it.

You HAVE to put yourself first.
No one else will.
I think you should see your GP too, before Christmas.
Also, hand over tasks to others for the hols.
You need to a combination of feet up in front of the fire and some fresh air in the form of a bracing walk, so that you sleep well.

Please mind yourself 👍💐

@PicsInRed your post was almost too painful to read and it’s something I can’t even bring myself to reflect upon. I cannot see myself as abused because my mum was unwell and it wasn’t deliberate. She is a lot better now and although it’s still tough I think I manage it ok..... but I’m not sure
My trauma had nothing to do with her and happened in my adult life

Oh bless you. I'm 20 and at university and the thought of working terrifies me, I've left so many part time jobs because I find it so hard to be 'stuck' in an environment where I can't leave, I'm so anxious especially around strangers, at least at uni I can walk out if I feel too overwhelmed - I can't do that in a job. I worry so much about the future and how I'll cope after uni, ironically I'm training to be a clinical psychologist so I'll be diagnosing people with anxiety etc whilst going through it! I understand how you feel and I can only hope it gets better for you ❤️

@billy1966
I think I need to speak to my boss but I need to feel in control. I need to stress how far I’ve come as well as how things are still not 100%

When I couldn’t cope with life work was a brilliant distraction. Now I’m well into therapy and coping better in many ways, the mask has slipped - which is a good thing! I think if work knew I would feel a huge weight off my shoulders. I can delegate more than I do but because I’m trying to hide my vulnerability, I am working too hard. Responsibilities can easily be shared but I need to be brave and talk to them.

@vivacian I’ve just organised a celebration evening of my progress this year with a dear friend and then another one with a another friend a few days later. I keep saying ‘it’s been the worst year and I’m still not better’ and I really need to change that narrative.

I think I was trying to tell her that although I’ve had a really successful week hosting and organising lots of stuff for others, I’ve found it hard because I am not feeling great and hiding behind a smile.

I think that this was a more accurate answer, I think if work knew I would feel a huge weight off my shoulders. I can delegate more than I do but because I’m trying to hide my vulnerability, I am working too hard. Responsibilities can easily be shared but I need to be brave and talk to them.

I agree with the advice above that this is about you burning out and needing to do less. Your body is giving you a clear warning, you need to take is seriously.

Why are you trying to hide your vulnerability? (Are you familiar with Brene Brown's work on vulnerability and shame?).

Are you familiar with Brene Brown's work on vulnerability and shame?).

No but I’ll look it up. I cat put too much detail about what happened to me or my current position as it is too outing, but I have had a lot of issues with shame and although I don’t feel that now, I still have a debilitating fear of being judged. I think that’s where my fear of showing weakness comes from. Yet my whole life is about promoting wellbeing and good mental health for others by encouraging people to talk. I just can’t do it myself

Im really sorry youre so low and suffering at the moment.
As someone that struggles with side effects of medications quite badly, have you tried the supplement 5htp?
Its been really helpful for my mental health and for my son and a friend too but doesnt seem to have the side effects or withdrawal symptoms if you need to stop.

I hope you feel better soon. X

I suffer from anxiety too and it does make you feel so lonely.
If you can afford counselling I'd seriously recommend it, it helped me so much. Anxiety is an uphill struggle and it wears you down.
Please try and confide in someone how you are feeling.
Sending you a huge hug, really wish sometimes we could chat in real life to other MN users! X

I’ve felt very similarly to you.

I wonder if there are other sources of work-related support that could help, given you don’t get the sort of reaction or support you’d like from colleagues?

One option is a coach. I got one after I had such a tough time with work and anxiety that it ended up in a near suicide attempt. She was a godsend. Not a substitute for therapy, but someone in a work setting you can offload to, but whose job it is to gently get you to focus on solutions. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

I also wonder if there are any peer groups for your professsion? Through a membership association, or local organisations? I’m thinking of people in similar positions to you, but who don’t work in the same place, and will understand what you’re going through.

Being in a senior leadership position can be incredibly bloody lonely.