AIBU to want to give up, partly because I feel so alone :-(

[Pitterpatterpotter]

I work in a senior role in a school, surrounded by people all the time and I do a great job. I am known for being kind and warm and my role is very much about looking after the wellbeing of others.
The reality is I’m crippled with anxiety and probably mild depression too. I’m having weekly therapy, not medicated after a couple of disastrous attempts which left me with suicidal side effects, and struggling every day.
I’m genuinely a million times better than I was (and grateful for that) but I’m getting more and more lonely every day at work and that somehow makes me more panicky.

I try really hard to hide it and yet it breaks my heart that no one has noticed
I do a brilliant job helping others and I think I’m a good mum and these things give me purpose but I just feel like giving up and acknowledging I’ll never be truly happy again.

I am a lunchtime supervisor and I feel stressed and panicky about going in today. I just want this week to be over. Sorry you're feeling this way OP.

Thankfully I’ve broken up now so I’m off until 7th. At least I don’t have to put on a constant brave face in the holidays.

Ohfrigginghellers I hope you find the strength the get through the week and that you have a wonderful Christmas break when it arrives.

@vivacian that’s really helpful thank you. You’ve been so kind

@Pitterpatterpotter - I'm glad what I said to you earlier was helpful.

In my experience once you start confronting these things you need to feel worse before you can feel better. By confronting everything and thinking about things you bring stuff you've buried deep inside you up to the forefront of your mind and it's not easy to then let go of it and forget it.

What is your relationship with your mum like? Is taking her with you going to be helpful? If it is that sounds like a good plan. I couldn't do similar with mine as she 'd just tell me everything I was saying was wrong, and then moan that it was all her fault, even about stuff that has nothing to do with her.

Have you tried writing stuff down to try and move it out? I find if something is really bothering me then writing it down (having to confront it enough to get it on paper) really helps me move past it. Sometimes I send it to a very good friend, other times I don't. Having someone read it is less important than purposefully thinking about it for however long it takes to write about it, as then I can move on.

TimeIhadaNameChange

Did you mean take her to the gp? My mum knows nothing about any of my struggles and my relationship with her is unusual due to my difficult childhood She thinks we are close and in some ways we are, but emotionally I keep myself distant and safe

Sorry, @Pitterpatterpotter, I totally misread your earlier message and thought you were thinking of taking her along to the psychologist with you. I was concerned that you thought that that would be a good idea. Am relieved (but embarrassed) that I got that wrong.

Your relationship with her sounds like mine with mine - she thinks we're close but I have to keep her at arm's length for various reasons.

It would be good to bring the subject up with your psych. It won't be easy to talk about, but I think you'll find it useful in the longrun. Just be prepared to go downhill for the next wee while.

Help I’ve become obsessively anxious about this and started a new thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/3770789-Please-help-me-make-this-decision-today?watched=1

I’ve had a really good day strangely and annoyingly I am now anxious because I’m waiting for it to go wrong

My mood has been good, I’ve had lovely lunch with friends (and a couple of glasses of wine!), a long dog walk this evening and played games with dc resulting in a lot of laughter.

Better mood - stupid anxiety not quite letting me enjoy the day but I’m definitely winning today. Best day in weeks xx

Op I could have written your post a couple of years ago. I felt very lonely surrounded by people. I had ptsd and depression. No one “got me”. I constantly sought external comfort, whether from drink, food, exercise, or others. I felt very different to others and struggled to connect. I think a lot of my problems stemmed from my relationships with my mother.

Have you considered changing therapists? No matter how good the therapist is you need one you have a good connection with. 100% make the time to do the things that help you.

After finding a wonderful therapist I learned to get all the solace I needed from within. I now enjoy feeling a bit lonely in a busy place, but because I don’t need others in the same way and this actually attracts people to you. But before you try and change how others see you and interact with you you need to change how you view yourself and to love the wonderful person who you are.

lifeover thank you so much for your post- that does sound just like me. I think my therapist is good for me as I completely trust her and have told her the stuff I swore I’d never tell a soul (particularly when I’ve hurt myself). I think changing the type of therapy is a good move and I am excited about it as I think if I was more kind and accepting of myself then I wouldn’t have so much high expectations and wouldn’t criticise myself so much.

I wish I knew some of you mumsnetters in real life x thank you all so much x

Hope today is another better day OP.

Great post @Lifeover

I have DD's and I am making a really conscious effort to raise them in the knowledge that self love is their first priority.

When they love themselves, they can love others.
Be kind to themselves, then be kind to others.

I do not want them putting the world before themselves.
I do not want them wasting years of their lives weighed down by doing right by everyone and never themselves.

I want them to not have to wait until their 40's for this penny to drop. This is the case with so many women.

I also love the "good enough" mantra that I apply to house, obligations, children, teens.

I try to be the best mother etc I can be, but sometimes "good enough" is OK too.

Women wind themselves up into tight balls sometimes trying to fulfill everyone else, and end up empty shells themselves.

Men do not do this.

So I to say Fxxx that. 🤣
💐

Not had a great start billy and when I get anxious in the morning it then affects my mood.

I hate admitting this but it’s in the mornings that I’ve tended to hurt myself because the anxiety all builds up and gets too much - I then feel deeply shameful and angry with myself which affects my mood for the day. The trauma caused a lot of shame and over the last year the shame feeling has got a lot less thankfully.
However today I am going to try and turn it around with a long dog walk and a shopping trip with my older dc who is now off school x

My whole professional life is about helping others being kind to themselves, wellbeing and self care. My dc are brilliant at it compared to me and I could learn lessons from them! Thanks for your support and for checking in with me x

OP, you have great self awareness.

Re-read your last post.

You are all about other people's needs.

This is not working for you.

Balance is key.

You are going to have to pull back enough that you can also be healthy, calm and self nurturing within the confines of your career.

💐

Today is the worst day. I’ve cried in a car park and had a panic attack in a supermarket. I can’t go on like this

Hi OP there is a very good free mental health work related service called Able Futures who provide support from qualified mh professionals re mh and work matters. Can provide up to 9 months support by phone or face to face.