AIBU to want to give up, partly because I feel so alone :-(

[Pitterpatterpotter]

I work in a senior role in a school, surrounded by people all the time and I do a great job. I am known for being kind and warm and my role is very much about looking after the wellbeing of others.
The reality is I’m crippled with anxiety and probably mild depression too. I’m having weekly therapy, not medicated after a couple of disastrous attempts which left me with suicidal side effects, and struggling every day.
I’m genuinely a million times better than I was (and grateful for that) but I’m getting more and more lonely every day at work and that somehow makes me more panicky.

I try really hard to hide it and yet it breaks my heart that no one has noticed
I do a brilliant job helping others and I think I’m a good mum and these things give me purpose but I just feel like giving up and acknowledging I’ll never be truly happy again.

If you work in a school one of the things Ifsted look at during inspection is how leaders and managers look after the well-being of the staff. Could you use this angle to review the wellbeing of all staff, re work load/ emotional support etc. That way you could 'uncover'hidden issues, put action plans/ support in place and show the impact of how this has helped individual staff members. You could then open up about your own needs. Good luck. Hope you get the help and support you need.

Hope that you're getting some rest and fresh air this weekend OP.

What kind of well-being are you trained in?

@bluesteakandcheese I’ve had lots of therapy this year and it has helped in many ways but I can’t afford it for much longer. I got a lot of funding for it which was amazing. It has transformed my life and made me so much stronger but I still have a way to go.

@bluesteakandcheese the hug is much appreciated and I am so thankful for all the support and kindness on this thread

@Rainallnight my role is very lonely at times ☹️ I could access support networks but because of the trauma I suffered I still struggle with trust and fear being judged/ showing weakness.
On a positive note most of my friends didn’t know what had been going on in my life and through the help of the therapy I’ve opened up to lots of people I’m close to and feel very supported outside of work.

@vivacian I’m so worried I’m going to be identified from this thread! I’m trained in mindfulness amongst other things and part of wellbeing groups and networks

@vivacian I’m trying to exercise this weekend as the anxiety makes me eat and I feel fat which isn’t helping my general self esteem.
The antidepressants made me lose weight which was the only positive effect!

Mindfulness sounds great, very easy to apply to your own situation. I’m a big fan, but have let it slip so this weekend I’ve committed to a daily practice. I have a year’s subscription to the Headspace app after volunteering for them in the summer.

It really is lovely to have you checking in

I’m sorry to hear you feel so bad.

Do you have a decent GP? I know you say you’ve tried a couple of medications, but it may still be worth going in to tell your GP exactly how you’re feeling. There are some medications aimed primarily at anxiety, and it could be that you haven’t tried them. If you do go in—and I hope you will—don’t hold back with the GP, and make sure he/she understands that pastoral care for colleagues is part of your role (because that’s particularly difficult to do when the carer is feeling very low herself).

Best wishes to you, OP

My gp is lovely and is pleased with my progress since I first saw her. She told me to come off the medication as I honestly wanted to die and had never felt that awful before. I haven’t told her everything though as I’m scared of it being on my notes and being judged. She knows my job is quite demanding emotionally but I have always coped fine at work until now.

I’ve text my deputy colleague/ friend and we are going to meet early in the new year. I’m determined to tell him about my anxiety, and possibly the trauma, and ask his advice on what to say to my boss. He will be heartbroken I think as he cares a lot about me and I spend hours with him each week but I’ve hidden it all so well for over a year!

@vivacian sorry I’m being vague but I don’t talk very openly in RL and I get anxious about being found on MN

When I was at my worst I hated the thought of school knowing. Now I’m much better but still struggling I hate that they don’t know. It sounds stupid doesn’t it?
I dislike attention, especially if I’m feeling vulnerable, and am very private, but the loneliness feeds the anxiety and the shame and makes me feel really down.

It is time to take all the kind things you do for others and give them to you.
A break is as good as a rest, it is hard masking anxiety on a daily basis even if you feel some moments.
It is like a chain reaction, feeding the loneliness creating more anxiety, I know it is not easy to change things.

I really feel for you OP. I teach too and feel terribly anxious and depressed about major issues at home. I'm always 'smiley' though and people think I'm fine, but I just want to cry all the time. It's very lonely. Though in my case SLT really couldn't care a jot, so I just plod on. Sending hugs.

@PicsInRed

I think once again there is real wisdom in her post.

I went back and re-read this thread.
I really think you need to go back further than you realise to find the source of your huge pain.
You sound like a fantastic women.
Don't be afraid to confront the pain you feel. @Pics, ....it resonated with you OP, and what she suggested is a real thing/experience.
Think on. Take time. Mind yourself 💐👍

You sound like a fantastic woman

People think I am. I’m a high achiever, have a great family and spend my whole life helping others. I feel like a mess and I feel like a failure for being a mess. Messed up childhood, serious trauma, previous bullying in the work place..... I have tried so hard to be ok but it’s not working
The hue difference between what people see and how I feel causes me more pain and anxiety than anything else at the moment.
I’m crying now (again) but on social media everyone is celebrating what a great job I’ve done this week

I’m going to bring my mum up with my psychologist next week. I admit I avoid the topic as much as I can. Sometimes I worry I’ve got cptsd and the big adult trauma simply triggered childhood emotional trauma. That petrifies me The big trauma stuff is where the therapy had been super effective

OP, don't get caught up in the fear of what others think of you.
You have pain, which is very real.
You are without a doubt, a great, capable woman.
Deep breath, you can do this.
It just requires you to put yourself first, a over all others.
That is hard.
Wishing you strength OP.
You sound great💐💐👍

Today is totally shit I feel like I don’t want to be here. I have a gp appointment on 3rd January but also trying to give myself a kick up the arse to exercise and see more people as I’ve canceled all social plans.
On positive note I’ve booked lots of family stuff and I am genuinely happy with my dh and dc so have lots to look forward to.

Have also got a ‘look how far I’ve come this year’ celebration planned. My friend and I talked in detail about how far I’d come in a year and it’s amazing. I should be proud of myself. Instead I’m fed up because I can’t seem to feel normal and worry I’ll never feel normal again.

Why can’t I snap out of it? I’ve had such a tough time throughout my life yet I’ve always been resilient, enjoyed my family and friends, and spent my life trying to bring hope to others.
This year I’ve fallen apart and I’m so angry and frustrated with myself.

Pitter, it is great that you have been able to open up to your friends and get some support in that area of your life.

I am so pleased that you said you are going to have a meeting/chat with your deputy colleague. I think this is the first step so that you have him on board and then you can approach your boss and just know that they are supporting you. And as you said, just realising what you are going through each day and the effort you are making for everyone.

But I wonder if you really need all the rest of the staff to know your personal business? If you feel that you have your closest colleague and boss in your corner as it were, appreciating you, do you think that would be enough?

It's just that it might make you feel more vulnerable and exposed if everyone at work knows your intimate stuff. And is there a need for it really?

In my role there is no way everyone could/ should know about my life. People need me to have my shit together but people have noticed I’m not myself. I’ve blamed it on being tired and also one of my dc is having issues at the moment which has made me quite obviously worried. I’m always the caring one and that’s my job. I guess telling my boss feels helpful psychologically because then I will have some one who looks out for me. He’s the only person more senior in that pastoral capacity

Reply above was to Chamomile but I couldn’t tag you

sorry I’m being vague but I don’t talk very openly in RL and I get anxious about being found on MN

If you have been vague, I don’t blame you.

I dislike attention, especially if I’m feeling vulnerable, and am very private, but the loneliness feeds the anxiety and the shame and makes me feel really down.

Brene Brown writes very eloquently and convincingly about shame. It thrives in silence. The antidote is to share your story with someone who has earned the privilege. Shame cannot persist when light is shone on it. I think that talking about elements of this with your therapist and colleague is just what the doctor ordered.

(If it’s helpful, Brene Brown has both a Ted talk and aNetflix programme. If this suggestion is not helpful, mutter under your breath and ignore).