To think you are very lucky if you dont have to work?

[malificent7]

Dp is amazing but not a high earner and also i want to be a bit independent howver i haul my butt out if bed to work a 12 hour shift where i get told off as i havn't been trained properly...i am very jealous of those who don't have to work.

returnofsaturn sigh.....you do realise that parents (both mums and dads) still raise their children don't you?

Don't be a dick🙄

*working

I feel lucky to work. I love my job. It’s interesting and stimulating, I couldn’t imagine not working. I’m very passionate about my job and think I’m lucky to have a job I love, which is flexible and pays good money. Even if I won the lottery I’m not sure I’d give up work......saying that I can see the appeal in days spent meeting friends, going to the gym, doing hobbies, etc.

I worked part time when dd was young and went full time when she was in sixth form.

We could manage on DH’s wage but it would mean the end of nice holidays and we would have to pay more attention to spending habits. I do 4 days a week and tbh, couldn’t be a SAHM as would drive me mad. That said, I’d like to drop to 3 days but we want to move house next year or year after so won’t be dropping until after that as need the multiples of salary (plus hoping to get pregnant again so want the mat leave pay on basis of 4 days!)

I do have a lot of friends whose husbands earn shitloads so are SAHM who do have fabulous lifestyles. But that would not be us if I was a SAHM as DH earns ok but not huge amounts

The ‘pace’ of life is different now that it usually requires 2 incomes to afford housing. It contributes to a more 24hour/late hours culture for retail, online retail, requirement for holiday clubs - but it’s not the only factor.

There are benefits for 2 people working (eg protection in case of divorce, illness, increasing talent pool for companies) though it would be nice if for the basics like food, shelter to be able to be covered by 1-1.5 incomes to help people manage all the life/family jobs (illnesses kids get, helping elderly relatives, time to choose the best insurance/phone/electricity company) that can cause a lot of stress.

It's how I would feel CosmoK.
*
ME.* I would feel personally that I wasn't raising him and would feel rotten. Others obviously don't think that so fine.

And I love being home with him, would have broken my heart to put him in childcare to go to work.

I sometimes feel a bit uncomfortable being financially dependent on my Dh. Up until I had dc3 a year ago, I have always worked. This time around I'm not going back to work for the foreseeable and it's definitely weird.
Dh is great and money is joint, but it's strange not to bring in a wage.
For me, I'm off to be a sahm to dc3 until he's in school at least, as we can afford it this time around. Also and mostly, it's so I can recover from 6 yrs of very intense therapy and then a new baby. Back in therapy for support for now.
My life is good, i am healthier mentally for not being in work. I definitely get comments and some jealousy, but you know, if they knew the past I had, and what I have to live with, they'd probably not be so envious.

will be going back at some point, when I'm ready.

Don't compare your insides to peoples outsides.

It's fine to say you've chosen not to put your child in childcare. It's not find to say children in childcare are bring raised by someone else. That's what makes it a dickish comment to make.....plus it's completely untrue

I do not understand how it is considered "lucky" to be able to stay at home. Truly depends on how people feel I suppose. All i remember of staying at home with DC1 was the misery of those 6 months of maternity leave. I felt disconnected from my sense of self and identity, cut off from projects I had ideated, designed, won funding for and was in the middle of leading, disconnected from my teams, from ideas. My PND disappeared like magic within a month of re-joining work. I suddenly noticed baby DS in a way being attached to him for those first 6 months had actively prevented. I started enjoying him, looking forward to time with him - felt him as part of me. But that could only happen once I was ME again. Leading my projects again. So the narrative of "lucky" to be a SAHM only holds if one genuinely believes that staying at home with childcare as the primary role is something that is something women should feel "lucky" to do. That - THAT is a goal to aspire for, that not everyone achieves, and thus, that it is a question of "luck" to be able to achieve this goal. We know girls are socialised vastly differently from boys, and many girls do then grow up to be women who attach this value to staying at home/childcare, and many boys grow up to be men who also attach value to women staying at home to do this - and from that point in adult life the feeling of "luck" gets linked to this goal one has been socialised to have. But it is not that way for everyone - for me as I said - staying at home would destroy me, and would be the worst possible outcome for my household.

Don't be ridiculous Cosmo. If that's how I would feel about MY OWN personal situation then I can jolly well say what I like about it.

It's not ridiculous. I don't think you realise how judgemental you sound. I hope you don't judge any of your friends or family who are working parents in the same way.

Do you truly believe that children in childcare are being raised by people other than their parents? .

Return of Saturn, what utter codswallop that you believe putting your children in nursery means someone else raises them.

I don't judge anyone. I could not give a single fuck what other people do.

Well maybe consider how you word your post cos it sounds very judgemental.
I see you continuously avoiding my question which speaks volumes.

I've already said Cosmo, that if I put MY child in nursery while I worked f/t then yes I would feel horrible and like I felt someone else was raising him.

That is not true for ALL people obviously as it is a FEELING and different people feel differently about things.

That's still not answering the question though.
A working parent is every bit as equal a parent than those who stay at home. You can't measure parenting in contact hours or minutes. It's so much more than that.
Do you realise how offensive it is to suggest that parents who choose to work are letting other people raise their children?
Although, let's be honest. These types of comments are only ever aimed at mothers. Fathers never have their working patterns discussed and are hailed as hero's for doing a couple of nursery pick ups a week 🙄

I don't think you realise how judgemental you sound

There is both judgement and realisation that the remark is judgmental. I have read the original comment by the PP and nowhere was it said that she would feel bad because PP felt that in HER case it would mean children being raised by others. She said she’d feel bad because children were being raised by others - as though that it is fact. True. She has a mistaken conclusion in her head: ie that childcare means children being raised by others. She said as much. It is profoundly judgmental and wrong and trying to back out of it by saying it was meant differently does not change anything.

You're asking me to answer a question that I have never had and will never have an opinion on!! Because quite frankly I do not give a shiny shit about other people's kids!!

And you are wrong. I have just gone back to confirm myself and I most definitely did refer to my own case and child.

I think you guys are getting confused.

I haven't tried to back out of anything in fact I haven't said anything different whatsoever from my first post.

People judge without even realising they're judging, it's human nature.

The fact is, it's only Mothers who get this; I've never known DH have an argument with his mates about who is/isn't going back to work after DC and how many hours they'll do. And their lives are so much easier for it.

I stayed home for a year with DS2 and was asked repeatedly "when are you going back, aren't you bored" and now I'm working (and have been all my adult life aside from two periods of mat leave) I get "don't you think you'd like to take more time off, the DC need you, don't you feel guilty?" You can't win unless you stop giving a shit.

Some of the posters on this thread need to pop over to the pensions thread - choices could be being made now that will have long term negative consequences.

To answer the OP - I would be very happy not to work if I had been born into independent wealth. Tragically I wasn't. I am not happy to live a penny pinching lifestyle, I like to have a nice house, holidays and a horse. To afford these things requires a decently paid job. I could certainly do a lower level job and be financially comfortable, but I also want a decent pension for my old age, so Hi Ho Hi Ho - it's off to work I go.

Another plus is that my DH was able to retrain as a teacher when his job was destroying his soul, because I have skills to pay the bills. There is a lot to be said for being able to earn a decent crust.

But of course, if I won the lottery or inherited wealth (both equally unlikely) I would chuck it in and play with my ponies all day.

I would love to not have to work. I would do some part time voluntary work though as I like a purpose and some structure to my week. But I wouldn't miss the stress of work. I do only work 15 hours per week though but that does require some sacrifices, my dh isn't a high earner.

Fudgebrownie, same thing happened to me regarding working / not working and having kids etc etc.
You will never ever win. Women also judge you more than men with the comments.

I felt disconnected from my sense of self and identity, cut off from projects I had ideated, designed, won funding for and was in the middle of leading, disconnected from my teams, from ideas.

It sounds like your sense of identity is closely tied to your work ability (which I'm not criticising, as many people don't have the skillset required to manage large complex projects and it is an impressive feat). In my case, however, I became disillusioned when I reached the stage where I felt that my efforts were ultimately just contributing to the shareholders having bigger boats/nicer continental villas - mainly rich men.

Each to their own, but whilst women are undoubtedly socially conditioned towards parenting, I don't think it necessarily follows that most men inherently yearn for the worth in being a 'successful businessman'. Of course some like the status, but most blokes I know do it more to provide for their family - perhaps it is more that men find it hard to shake the assigned role of 'provider'.

I guess what I'm partly saying is that I've encountered many women who feel that part of attaining equality with men is to be able to 'do what they do'. I definitely think that they should be free to do so and not have the opportunity obstructed, but I think it's a fallacy that 'being more like men' is the key to happiness and equality.

I think the best solution may be to meet somewhere in the middle. One thing's for sure, that women have been self-reporting lower levels of happiness decade upon decade, and I do sometimes wonder if it's because the grass isn't really greener (despite a small percentage of men still undoubtedly 'running the world').

On the other hand, maybe many women have just 'women up' to the reality of our society and don't like it now the veil has been lifted, so to speak. Maybe hormonal differences/evolutionary traits also have an effect - there is much evidence out there about the effects of testosterone on behaviour, despite what Cordelia Fine argues. I sometimes wonder whether certain men even know themselves why they have this strong drive to 'conquer' other men (and I believe this may be as much a part of it as the subjugation of women - i.e. being the top monkey).