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AIBU?

Partner and his Ex

99 replies

Teenangels · 09/12/2019 10:11

This is going to be long so not to drip feed.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, he has an ok relationship with his ex. He only sees her when it is about their adult child.
His ex is vile about me and my children? I have been called the C-word, is openly hostile in her views about me. I have had messages off her being rude telling me to keep away and that she is my partner family etc.
Yesterday my partner left our house and went to pick his son from uni.
Ex had to be picked up from her place and they then drove together so that she could see their child and bring child back from uni.
I phoned my partner to get a rough idea of what time he would be home, I heard her say oh it’s the fucking bitch.
My partner then got angry with me as it’s my fault for ringing and that his ex can call me whatever she likes.
Am I being unreasonable to tell my partner that he does not need to take her places and that he stands up for me.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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FizzyGreenWater · 09/12/2019 14:14

My partner then got angry with me as it’s my fault for ringing and that his ex can call me whatever she likes.

Pack his bags. He's not worth being with. Let him flock together with his nasty bird-of-a-feather ex. Do it now and have a Christmas where you're not burning with anger.

What a piece of shit.

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BeatriceTheBeast · 09/12/2019 14:26

Right, but if she is so toxic and unhinged / unreasonable and your DH doesn't stand up for you and never has properly in the whole four years you have been together then why are you still getting annoyed with her and not him? It's like getting annoyed with the dog that bit you and not it's owner (obviously he doesn't OWN her - not the best analogy, but you know). He is the reason you have contact with her. For four years he hasn't done anything to protect you from someone you say is dangerously unhinged. Why are you with him?

This is why I wondered earlier if part of you enjoys the fight a tiny bit. You say not and I take you at your word, but then I cannot fathom why anyone would stay with a man who exposes them to this sort of attack and then gets angry with them rather than apologetic.

Sorry op, but he sounds like a bit of a bastard. Yeah, the wife sounds...massively unhinged from what you say. But that's not your circus. You can't get rid of her, but you can get rid of him. I truly cannot understand why you would do otherwise.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2019 14:30

the only person she has in her life is their child.

If that were true OP you wouldn’t be miserable and posting about the two of them. She’s got him, her ex, your partner of 4 years, wrapped around her little finger. He’s her chauffeur, her defender, the one she can use and abuse who won’t tell her to fuck off as they’ve been divorced 7 years and he’s in another relationship. If she didn’t have him you’d be happy with him but he’s choosing to accommodate her and pander to her while you get the meagre leftovers.

I’m divorced and remarried, my husband is divorced and has children with his ex. I wouldn’t stand for any of this crap.

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LASH38 · 09/12/2019 16:07

Most of you ire is directed at the ex but you have no control or influence over her behaviour bar ignoring it so it doesn't affect you.

You do have influence and control over your partners affect on your life. He has allowed her this behaviour by not standing up for himself, their child, or you. So I don’t understand why your focus is on her.

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LASH38 · 09/12/2019 16:08

How would he react if you called her names that she could hear?

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MellowBird85 · 09/12/2019 16:40

It blows my mind what some people will put up with. LTB

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Hadalifeonce · 09/12/2019 21:29

What would happen if your partner refused to take his ex to collect their child from uni?
Does she only insist upon it to prevent father and some having 1 on 1 time together to build a proper relationship?

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bluebeck · 09/12/2019 21:38

Seriously, life is too short for this pile of shite.

Pack his bags and bin him. It will be the best Christmas Present you ever get.

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Captainmarvel0160 · 10/12/2019 15:55

This is simple, leave.
Read between the lines, if he is over his previous partner there would not be this hostility towards you. Your partner should always have your back especially after 4 years. His previous partner MAY be all of those things however remember who has told you what she is like? Ex partners, believe it or not are not controlling, manipulative, nasty, mean etc... Ex partners are frustrated because they are having to deal with someone, your current partner, WHO is manipulative, angry, mean & generally makes their life a living hell. It's hard, very hard to detach from a relationship but if your partner is getting angry at you contacting him, saying it's ok for her to speak to in such a way then TBH I feel that should be alarm bells for you. Imagine yourself & children's life with him further down the line! Is this what you want? I guess not.
So talk to him firmly, say YOU deserve to be spoken of better by him in front of her if you see no improvement then I think you you can see the problem. This is not you sweetheart but him & he needs to sort his own house out with his ex.

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Goodnightjude1 · 10/12/2019 16:00

If my OH ex was in the car with him and she spoke about me that way, he’d stop the car and ask her to get out....not blame me for calling him while she was in the car.
That level of disrespect (from him) would have me running a mile.

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fargo123 · 14/12/2019 23:57

I'd have left him the first time he stood by and allowed the ex to insult / be rude to me.

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Grumpelstilskin · 15/12/2019 00:48

She really is a red herring in all of this. Your OH is a complete wankbadger and to reiterate the MN mantra, you have a partner problem. I bet you that he actually fuels the ex' issues and loves the fight over him. Nah, you cannot force him to show you respect but you can have some dignity and self-respect and kick him to the curb!

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MsDogLady · 15/12/2019 01:41

He colluded with her contempt when he allowed her to trash you and then blamed you for calling.

He is not truly committed to you and is not fully emotionally available to you.

Honestly, why are you willing to settle for so little?

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Shesalittlemadam · 15/12/2019 03:00

Haven't read the full thread as falling asleep but after reading op - he's sleeping with her. That's why he said that she can call you whatever she likes as he's keeping up a pretence to her.

LTB

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AlwaysCheddar · 15/12/2019 06:36

He’s the issue and won’t change do ltb

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Rachelfromfriends1 · 15/12/2019 06:42

She is the top woman in his life, they may as well still be together. Such a weird dynamic between them.

It’s clear that he doesn’t see you on the same level as her, so why are you wasting your time being disrespected by them?

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Monty27 · 15/12/2019 06:45

OP why ever would you want a relationship with someone like that?

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OneDay10 · 15/12/2019 06:45

He is the problem. You will always be on the outside. If their adult child can be controlled then there is no way you are going to Ever be apart of his life.
I think you should leave him. He gets angry at you for being verbally abused?? No that's not on.

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afterme · 15/12/2019 06:58

It was unnecessary for him to take her in the car to collect the son especially with her generally awful behaviour. He should have moved on from doing things together. He probably goes along with it to keep the peace but it doesn’t does it? It’s odd anyway. I wouldn’t let my ex drive me to the end of the road.

So is he spending Boxing Day with her and his child at her home? After seven years separation?

I would call it a day if I were you.

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TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/12/2019 07:01

Unless he changes then nothing will change. You say he has no contact with her unless it's to do with their child. Yet he sat in a car with her for a 500 mile round trip. Then she called you a fucking bitch in front of him and their child and he's said nothing?

He's not going to change. He is allowing her to carry on as she likes. The child is an adult. Any dealings should be directly between father and child now. There was absolutely no need for her to go in the car with him. That's also control. But he is happy being controlled and he is happy to allow this continue.

You will never be a priority, and your feelings will never be considered.

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TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/12/2019 07:05

Also, he's living in your house. I'd be asking telling him today he needs to move out, today.

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Savingforarainyday · 15/12/2019 07:11

What is stopping your dh from forging a relationship ( as adults) with his child?
And stopping contact with his ex?
And therefore not allowing her to have any sort of say over your lives?

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Fr0g · 15/12/2019 07:16

we both own our own properties he rents his out

Problem solved, The boxing day he spends with his ex? Pack his stuff up.
Don't interrupt with a phone call to tell him - send a text.

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HouseworkAvoider10 · 15/12/2019 08:31

Kick him out.

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