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AIBU?

Partner and his Ex

99 replies

Teenangels · 09/12/2019 10:11

This is going to be long so not to drip feed.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, he has an ok relationship with his ex. He only sees her when it is about their adult child.
His ex is vile about me and my children? I have been called the C-word, is openly hostile in her views about me. I have had messages off her being rude telling me to keep away and that she is my partner family etc.
Yesterday my partner left our house and went to pick his son from uni.
Ex had to be picked up from her place and they then drove together so that she could see their child and bring child back from uni.
I phoned my partner to get a rough idea of what time he would be home, I heard her say oh it’s the fucking bitch.
My partner then got angry with me as it’s my fault for ringing and that his ex can call me whatever she likes.
Am I being unreasonable to tell my partner that he does not need to take her places and that he stands up for me.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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Teenangels · 09/12/2019 10:45

@BlastEndedSkrewt
No I was not the OW, they had been separated for 3 years before we met.

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Cherrysoup · 09/12/2019 10:46

Why are you with him?

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Teenangels · 09/12/2019 10:48

cherry
I am asking myself that question constantly

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MuisingCruising · 09/12/2019 10:48

The hate that seeps out of her that my partner left her and has moved on is something else really

But this hate should of never of reached you OP. Your DP should of stamped on it before it even came close to you. Although it seems like its an issue with the ex, its not. The issue here lies with your partner and his lack of boundaries,

Id of booted my ex out of the car had they spoke about my partner like that. She isnt the problem, he is for allowing this behaviour.

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MarianaMoatedGrange · 09/12/2019 10:52

A 'child' at uni is actually an adult!

Your partner is prioritising his ex over you - after 4 years? Nah, dump.

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Ayemama · 09/12/2019 10:53

Oh god she sounds delightful, but how can she stop an adult from seeing his father though? I get that of shes controlling she could make it difficult but the 'child's is an adult and can do as they like.
Something doesn't seem right are you sure your OH is giving you the right story there?
Does the child still live at home? I'm guessing not if they were collected and brought home.
Your OH needs to have your back or what is the point in being together.

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HeckyPeck · 09/12/2019 10:53

Call time on this relationship, the ex wife is not the problem, your partner is. He has no respect whatsoever for you

Agreed. You deserve so much better OP.

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SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 09/12/2019 10:55

How can the ex be controlling of the time he spends with his adult son? His relationship with him should now be entirely independent.

I can understand that he wants a cordial relationship with the mother of his child as it makes life easier for everyone. I do think his ex is majorly taking the piss for insisting that your partner must spend boxing day with her as well as his adult child and to be honest your partner is a bit strange for pandering to her weird behaviour. He is now free to arrange to spend time with his son whenever he wants because as an adult his son gets to decide when he sees his own father and they are capable of making their own arrangements without the the ex being an intermediary.

You partner clearly does not have your back. He doesent respect you or your feelings and is a spineless knob for not telling his ex her behaviour is out of order. To deflect the blame on you tells you everything you need to know about him... get rid.

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HopeItComesWithBatteries · 09/12/2019 10:55

Do you really need to ask?

Not acceptable, I’d get rid. 💐

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Teenangels · 09/12/2019 11:00

@Ayemama
Their child is an adult but the mother has such control over my partners child that she would stop them seeing one another.
My partner is used when it suits her

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Hepsibar · 09/12/2019 11:03

The person at uni is a young adult and could make their way home themselves or be picked up by one of them ... that's what normally happens ... he's not 3. I am surprised your partner would want to spend time in the car with her ... if it was the actual graduation ceremony you could understand it.

The ex sounds like a real horror. I expect he got annoyed about you ringing because he knew, as you must know too, that this would have triggered her unhinged behaviour and he was in for an ear full as soon as you rang ... in hindsight a text would maybe have been better.

When you are calm, and he is home, at an appropriate time, I suggest you do need to explain how things come across and whether you both need to assess how things can work better.

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Mollychristmas · 09/12/2019 11:05

Your partner is the problem not his ex!

Any normal person wouldn’t allow another person to call their partner a fucking bitch let alone defend them and say they can call you whatever they like! What a strange, horrible man he is! He certainly doesn’t like you very much.

I can imagine them having a good old slagging off session about you through the car journey, but what I can’t understand is why? How does he benefit by slagging you off? He just looks like a fucking weirdo.
Do you have a lot of money and he doesn’t? Is the house in your name? Basically is he using you for something because I can’t understand what other reason he has for being in a relationship with someone he clearly has no respect for and is quite happy for them to be called a fucking bitch.

I would run for the hills! He doesn’t like you, he is a nasty person and a really crap partner!

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Teenangels · 09/12/2019 11:06

He said he doesn’t want to jeopardise his relationship with their child.
He has told his ex that her calling me names is not acceptable but she continues.
I want him to stand up for me, by actually chucking her out of the car, by not collecting her, actually saying this is not acceptable to have to spend Boxing Day with her.

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Harpingon · 09/12/2019 11:07

It sounds like you phoned knowing it would be goady. You are all as bad as each other. I pity the child.

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StepAwayFromGoogle · 09/12/2019 11:09

Surely a 'child' at uni has a mobile phone, independence and the ability to arrange to see his Dad without his Mum arranging everything? He must be at least 17/18. Am I missing something?

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Teenangels · 09/12/2019 11:10

Molly Christmas
He has more money than me, we both own our own properties he rents his out, he doesn’t slag me off at all just lets it ride with her as not to rock the boat. I hate that he is so spineless but she is so full of hate that she told their child that my partner left them
Both and is making him pay by turning the child against him.

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StepAwayFromGoogle · 09/12/2019 11:12

@Harpingon makes a good point. Had you already discussed roughly when he'd be back? Weird that he would go off without even a mention of it. And in that case you were just calling to mark your territory.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2019 11:12

But you know he’s not going to. He seems quite clear on valuing her over you. So either wallow in the drama (which will no doubt carry on forever if his adult child who’s living independently at university can’t manage his relationships with his parents by himself) or leave.

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BeatriceTheBeast · 09/12/2019 11:15

You're defending him now op. But the exw is so full of anger, pure evil, turning his child against him. Do you ever wonder what he says about YOU if he says that about her? Considering he told you "she can call you what she wants" on one of the few occasions you were both in earshot, I would be extremely surprised if he never slags you off and only slags off the ex to you. I bet she thinks he never slags her off either.

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Teenangels · 09/12/2019 11:17

@StepAwayFromGoogle
You are not missing anything the child is an adult who has been taught by mum to keep their dad at arms length, if they can’t be a family and live together then my partner can’t really love their child.
I am not standing up for my partner but his ex is controlling and so vengeful and will
Only be content in life if my partner is not happy.
His ex openly admits she hates me because I am living the life she feels she should have.

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Teenangels · 09/12/2019 11:20

Beatrice
I ignored her comment as I was speaking to him on the phone, and heard her say it.
He got angry once he was home and I confronted him about what she had said.

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Idonttrackpeas · 09/12/2019 11:24

OP, I've put up with 10 years of crap from my DP's ex. I'm in too deep to get out now. If I could have the last 10 years over, I would have run a mile as soon as she showed herself for what she is. My advice to you is to leave him because she will never stop and one day you will wonder what the hell happened to your life. You have one life, live it without a caustic ex in it. That's my advice.

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BeatriceTheBeast · 09/12/2019 11:26

I don't think your updates make this sound any better tbh.

I think you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, which is unfair as you aren't the one who divorced anyone and you aren't a parent to the child.

It's up to you if you think this guy is worth it. Based on what you've said on here he, slags off his exw to you and then gets angry with you if you take issue with her calling you foul names. So only he is allowed to be horrible about her is it? He does not sound great. Sorry.

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Teenangels · 09/12/2019 11:27

@StepAwayFromGoogle
I knew the rough time, but he travelled over 250 miles each way and it was past the time we discussed so I was checking where he was.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/12/2019 11:28

Hang on, their child is an adult?

Why is your partner still at her back and call?

I'd call time on this. Leave them to each other.

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