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AIBU?

Partner and his Ex

99 replies

Teenangels · 09/12/2019 10:11

This is going to be long so not to drip feed.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, he has an ok relationship with his ex. He only sees her when it is about their adult child.
His ex is vile about me and my children? I have been called the C-word, is openly hostile in her views about me. I have had messages off her being rude telling me to keep away and that she is my partner family etc.
Yesterday my partner left our house and went to pick his son from uni.
Ex had to be picked up from her place and they then drove together so that she could see their child and bring child back from uni.
I phoned my partner to get a rough idea of what time he would be home, I heard her say oh it’s the fucking bitch.
My partner then got angry with me as it’s my fault for ringing and that his ex can call me whatever she likes.
Am I being unreasonable to tell my partner that he does not need to take her places and that he stands up for me.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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moooove · 09/12/2019 11:30

My god just leave him. If it's your house he's living in just tell him to go. He has no respect for you.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2019 11:32

His ex openly admits she hates me because I am living the life she feels she should have.

A life where your partner lets someone verbally abuse you while he stands by letting it happen? A partner who prioritises two other healthy independent adults over you?

Not much to envy is it.

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lau888 · 09/12/2019 11:34

I think you should have known what would happen when you phoned, based on past behaviour. I suspect your partner's anger was just defensive guilt because he was stuck between your upset (at a distance) and dealing with his child's mom (in person). That doesn't make his response right or better.

Tbh, as you've managed to put up with it for so long, I'd suggest you stick it out until the child graduates uni. When the child becomes more independent, your partner won't be placating the mom the same way because she won't be influencing contact/access the same way. However horrid she is, she's still the child's mom and he won't want to risk his relationship with the child right now - even if the risk appears ridiculous or tenuous to other people. It's unlikely that the child will be 40 years old and still only seeing their dad with their mom in attendance.

YANBU to be angry with your partner or expect them to stand up for you. However, you're a little bit unreasonable to not see he's behaving like this because of the child - it's not for the ex's sake. If he does the "right" thing and pushes back hard against the ex's behaviour... it's possible he will lose his relationship with the child - or see them far less often. If he doesn't, it's possible he will lose his relationship with you - for understandable reasons.

I guess you'll have to decide what you can tolerate - and for how much longer.

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BeatriceTheBeast · 09/12/2019 11:34

Exactly what annlovesgilbert just said.

He has you both convinced that he is some prize to be fought over and won, when he doesn't sound like the sort of prize I'd like to win. Yikes. But you are defending him blaming her and feel she must be . If she is, she must be bonkers tbh.

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Bluerussian · 09/12/2019 11:40

She sounds vile. I have no time for people who lose their temper and use foul language. Your husband is certainly not helping, surely he can see the injustice. I can honestly say I'd find that difficult to put up with.

Good thing is his son is now (virtually) adult and will be doing his own thing very soon, choosing where he goes and who he sees.

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KarmaStar · 09/12/2019 11:41

None of this sounds right op.
You say you are reconsidering?the only thing I'd reconsidering is whether to put his stuff in bin bags by the front door at drop them at the so called exes house.
Move on.by staying you're allowing both of them to disrespect you.

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Bluerussian · 09/12/2019 11:43

I'm wondering if you have any children or a child, Teenangels, and how it works for you. You do sound reasonable, I'm sure you wouldn't be sounding off and calling another woman the c-word.

Seriously reconsider your relationship. Is it worth all this hassle? You each own a property and presumably your husband could eventually move back into his or make other arrangements in the meantime. It might actually be the wake up call he needs.

You can do better.

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AG29 · 09/12/2019 11:46

This sounds nasty and I’m sorry to say your partner isn’t helping and sounds like an ass. Tbh if their children are grown up there is no reason for him to be around her particularly if she speaks to you like that. He should stick up for you. He may be a little scared of her do you think? But she has absolutely no right to speak to you like this and he needs to man up and sort it out! You deserve better!

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Natsel84 · 09/12/2019 11:55

Sounds like this is going to continue for the rest of your life if your going to stay with your partner.

Can you really put up with that forever ?

If the child is an adult then surely they should be able to make there mind up of their own accord .

Tough choices to make op

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TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/12/2019 12:05

I feel sorry for the Son's future GF's. Nightmare MIL in the making.

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Goldenchildsmum · 09/12/2019 12:11

My partner then got angry with me as it’s my fault for ringing and that his ex can call me whatever she likes.

Your partner is a dick

Get rid of him

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Goldenchildsmum · 09/12/2019 12:13

And what @AnneLovesGilbert says

Perfectly expressed

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Teenangels · 09/12/2019 12:19

@KarmaStar
They are very much ex’s.

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magoria · 09/12/2019 12:25

I would leave him and on the way out the door warn him that he will probably end up sad and lonely if he allows his ex to call any future GF this way.

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LASH38 · 09/12/2019 12:27

How does he feel about all of this? Does he want it to change?

As with previous posters, it’s your partner that’s the problem.

Your anger/disgust is in the wrong place - it belongs primarily with him

Why do you want to be with a man who holds you in such little regard and is also spineless?

The kid is at university, this situation will never end if it’s gone on this long.

What are you planning to do?

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Hadalifeonce · 09/12/2019 12:34

I think it quite unusual that both parents collect anyway, most of my son's group it's only 1 parent, and all if their parents are together. The divorced parents I know would never dream of travelling together, even the one's with amicable break ups.
I suggest s very long and Frank discussion with your partner.

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Teenangels · 09/12/2019 12:40

@Lash32
My anger is at him, believe me it is at him.
I am angry at him for not growing the balls to stand up to her, I am angry at him for continuing to be used by her. I am angry at him for not being angry at his ex for being so controlling and ridiculous. I can also see that because of the way she is that she has poisoned their child so much that he could loss their adult child.
His ex wife I feel pity for, pity that she has carried all this jealousy and anger around with her, the only person she has in her life is their child.

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Teenangels · 09/12/2019 12:43

@Hadalifeonce
I also have a child at uni and would never travel with my ex to pick up our child but again that is the control thing.
The ex can’t drive but still wanted to be there even though it’s a 500 mile round trip

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Frankola · 09/12/2019 12:44

Yeh, I couldn't be with a man who stuck up for his ex over me and actually got annoyed at me for calling him while he was with her

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BeatriceTheBeast · 09/12/2019 12:48

You say your anger is with your partner, but it isn't. Even in your last post it's all "I would never be like her ". He is playing you like a fiddle and you are doing a pick me dance against a woman he has been separated from for seven years . Be more angry that he not only doesn't stick up for you, but he so the berated you for daring to phone him at the wrong moment. Forgetting the ex, do you honestly want to be with someone who does that? Forgetting the ex entirely and her flaws. You are not in a relationship with her.

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Teenangels · 09/12/2019 13:08

@Beatrice
Believe me I am angry at him, so unbelievably angry.
I have no idea where you are getting that his ex and I are fighting over him, she is an ex for a reason.
The only time we argue is because his ex likes to make it difficult, she could have just sat there and not said a word but she didn’t because she can’t let go.
I take it you have never divorced or faced an ex that can’t let go

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BeatriceTheBeast · 09/12/2019 13:18

There is no need to get defensive op. I am not being critical of you. If you and she are not fighting over him, why are you even thinking about her and what she does vs what you do with your own child and ex? Why is she calling you names? What is the common denominator here? Your partner is the cause of this negativity, whether he means to be or not. If you weren't with him, you would have no dealings with this woman whatsoever.

I haven't experienced this personally, but I've seen it up close fairly recently. And tbh, I think I'm less likely to project my own feelings on it as I've never been either the ex or the new partner, so surely you should welcome my perspective as much as anyone else's rather than dismissing me.

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Mollychristmas · 09/12/2019 13:33

OP he isn’t choosing you over her! He should be prioritising you (over the EX) but he isn’t, that won’t change.

His child is an adult and quite capable of having a relationship with his father independently of his mother, if the child doesn’t want to do that then your partner trying to force it isn’t going to make it better.

You can be as angry as you want but it’s just pissing in the wind, he won’t suddenly put your feelings over his EX’s so why are you putting up with it?

He isn’t a nice person, if he was he wouldn’t allow the ex to talk like that about anyone when around him let alone the person he supposedly loves.

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Goldenchildsmum · 09/12/2019 13:52

The only time we argue is because his ex likes to make it difficult, she could have just sat there and not said a word but she didn’t because she can’t let go.

The times you argue are when your partner is a dick and doesn't treat you with respect, understanding and compassion

His ex is irrelevant

This is all down to him being a complete twat

Believe me. I dated a man like this for a long time.

Get out now

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Teenangels · 09/12/2019 14:09

@BeatriceTheBeast
I am not dismissing you at all, but his ex is toxic. I have never and will not fight over any man. I could never imagine all of this when we started going out that 4 years later I could not call my partner to ask what time he would be back or I should just get on with my day without him. I would hope that as adults she could just not say anything.
I have never done anything to the ex, she can not just be happy, she wants no one to have Him if he is not with her then no one should have him.
I can give examples I got a new car, my partner drove to pick up his teenager she kicked off calling me names that I had used money that she should have because they were once married.
Unfortunately as many times as he says do not call me names or be nasty she can’t help herself hence his response is that she can say whatever she likes about me as he knows she will not change.

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