To refuse to take DC to see PIL for xmas

[oytugyhyguu]

A long back story but will try to be brief.

SIL has mental health issues (anxiety and depression) and lives with PILs. After DH and I got married SIL has always ended up causing some sort of issue every time I am around. We would see them around twice a year as they live 9 hour drive away. I completely get SIL is unwell so i would ignore things she said or did ( throwing objects at me (this happened once), leaving the room when I would enter, saying nasty things about me loudly so I would hear to extend family members, being rude etc). Not once have I every said anything back to SIL just so I wouldn’t antagonise her and make her illness worse.

Things came to a head two years ago when she physically attacked me because she got upset (She asked me how long I was visiting for and I said 5 days) and wanted me to leave PILs house immediately however it was past midnight and my 1 year old DC was sleeping and I refused to leave DC. During this outburst she was begging DH to “divorce that bitch” and blamed me for her metal health issues, her unemployment and for the reason she does not have a partner or children. She said that her family was destroyed the day we got married.

I have not seen or heard from my in-laws since this incident 2 years ago (DH has visited on his own). I will admit I have not contacted them either however, this was because they told DH SIL did not attack me and implied I was lying. I had planned to go for dinner earlier this year however on the day in laws told DH not to bring me as they didn’t know how my SIL would react to me being pregnant.

We have now had DC2 four months ago. PIL have not come to see the baby (or spoke to me) but want DH to bring both kids to them for xmas. DC2 is breastfed so I would have to go along too. I have also found out SIL was sectioned for 2 months and was released from hospital a month ago.

AIBU to not let my kids be around SIL when she clearly has so much hatred towards me? PIL clearly don’t give a fuck about me either so why should I bother taking the kids to them for Christmas?

I suggested to DH they come to us for Christmas ( I even invited SIL) but PIL says it’s too cold where we stay (central Scotland not the bloody artic).

You’ve not actually said what your dh thinks.

Mental illness is so difficult. This isn't your issue. This issue cannot be mended in normal ways.

Your duty is to protect your children, your husbands duty is to protect you and you children.

It's highly likely that with your PILs daughter recently sectioned they are all in a fragile state. Poor mental health is hideous.
You live in a strange twilight word trying to protect your loved ones from any factors that might contribute towards another breakdown. They probably are not entirely rational at this point.

All this said I'd not be going to stay or taking children or letting your husband. It's not a safe environment.

Could a half way be for you to go as a family and stay in Air B&B a little way (safe distance) and invite them over to you.

This way they might feel happier to leave your SIL unattended, you haven't elaborated so I'm filling in here.
I know that after a hospital admission for mental health the following months are hard. They won't want to be long from home and able to get back within minutes should they be needed.

What a mess, what a shocking situation for you to find yourselves in. Be kind, be gentle, protect yourself and your children.
It's a hideous situation. They will not be rational. Don't expect them to be.

Lots of people have asked DH position on all this. Just to clarify, my husband has fully supported me and continues to do so. After the attacking incident, He had a massive argument with his parents as he feels they don’t fully appreciate the seriousness of the situation. He has been to see PIL a few times over the past couple of years and it’s mainly to try and convince his parents to get SIL help. PIL are the ones who keep asking him to see DC for Christmas and DH wanted my thoughts on it.

I think the big issue we have is MIL is a former mental heath nurse and thinks SIL behaviour is normal and we should just ignore it. Just as an example, after SIL attacked me, we left the house at 4am to go to a hotel before SIL woke up, as we were leaving MIL asked DH “so what time will you be coming for dinner?” As if nothing had happened. Obviously DH said we wouldn’t be coming back to the house.

Glad to hear your DH is looking out for you. I have some sympathy for him, as well: this is his sister and even though her behaviour is horrible, he will still care about her. (You are under no obligation to care about her particularly deeply - your only experience of her is a woman who is obnoxious to you and clearly hates you). As long as you and he are both (calmly and politely) firm on the matter: you are willing for him to visit his family and perhaps for his parents to see your DC, but not when SIL is present. And you don't want to see or interact with her, because doing so would benefit neither of you.

I’m glad DH supports you. Has he witnessed SIL treatment of you? Does FIL and DH agree with SILs diagnoses of anxiety and depression? Has SIL every taken drugs?

Sorry, so many questions....

If you do have to visit (I don’t think you have to) then I would not stay there and would have to be assured that DH would not leave you alone with her.