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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to take DC to see PIL for xmas

130 replies

oytugyhyguu · 09/12/2019 05:02

A long back story but will try to be brief.

SIL has mental health issues (anxiety and depression) and lives with PILs. After DH and I got married SIL has always ended up causing some sort of issue every time I am around. We would see them around twice a year as they live 9 hour drive away. I completely get SIL is unwell so i would ignore things she said or did ( throwing objects at me (this happened once), leaving the room when I would enter, saying nasty things about me loudly so I would hear to extend family members, being rude etc). Not once have I every said anything back to SIL just so I wouldn’t antagonise her and make her illness worse.

Things came to a head two years ago when she physically attacked me because she got upset (She asked me how long I was visiting for and I said 5 days) and wanted me to leave PILs house immediately however it was past midnight and my 1 year old DC was sleeping and I refused to leave DC. During this outburst she was begging DH to “divorce that bitch” and blamed me for her metal health issues, her unemployment and for the reason she does not have a partner or children. She said that her family was destroyed the day we got married.

I have not seen or heard from my in-laws since this incident 2 years ago (DH has visited on his own). I will admit I have not contacted them either however, this was because they told DH SIL did not attack me and implied I was lying. I had planned to go for dinner earlier this year however on the day in laws told DH not to bring me as they didn’t know how my SIL would react to me being pregnant.

We have now had DC2 four months ago. PIL have not come to see the baby (or spoke to me) but want DH to bring both kids to them for xmas. DC2 is breastfed so I would have to go along too. I have also found out SIL was sectioned for 2 months and was released from hospital a month ago.

AIBU to not let my kids be around SIL when she clearly has so much hatred towards me? PIL clearly don’t give a fuck about me either so why should I bother taking the kids to them for Christmas?

I suggested to DH they come to us for Christmas ( I even invited SIL) but PIL says it’s too cold where we stay (central Scotland not the bloody artic).

OP posts:

Hopingtobeamum · 09/12/2019 10:07

No bloody way should you or your DC go anywhere near that woman or that house.
Stay well clear. Your PIL are out of order and your DH needs to grow a pair and stand up to them

Iamdobby63 · 09/12/2019 10:10

When you say ‘for Christmas’ did you actually mean Christmas Day? Your husband is actually considering this? Even if not for Christmas Day then how does everyone think this will work without you when you are breast feeding?

frumpety · 09/12/2019 10:10

Did DH tell you SIL had been sectioned ? or did someone else in the family tell you ?

ebenezerscroogedmeover · 09/12/2019 10:10

Jesus Christ no way!

I wouldn't even entertain the thought and neither should your DH

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/12/2019 10:11

Everything TheABC said. You need to stop making excuses for SIL and PIL. I’m appalled he’s choosing to have an ongoing relationship with anyone who physically attacked you.

TheReef · 09/12/2019 10:11

No, no and a big fat no way would I be exposing my dc to your SIL or your PIl

Seaweed42 · 09/12/2019 10:18

If the SIL had had a longish hospital stay I would hope that she is on the right medication now. She has severe mental health issues that go beyond normal anxiety. Many families won't accept diagnoses like schizophrenia and want to pretend to the world their 'child' is fine. They all collude in the denial. Those parents are enabling that adult child and preventing her from living an independent life, whatever way she can. Not your problem though.
You have every right still not to allow the kids over there. Why don't you meet the grandparents half way at a neutral place for a visit this time. The family home is the heart of the family dynamic and should be avoided. Less pressure on the SIL too.
You can possibly can build the relationship back in the coming years, but the sister was/is/could still be very unstable and it can be traumatic for a child who does not understand mental illness to be exposed to an unstable adult getting free rein to wreak havoc.

diddl · 09/12/2019 10:18

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope!

Husband can visit, you need to keep yourself & your kids away from possible further assault.

frillyfarmer · 09/12/2019 10:20

Your problem is primarily with you DH for thinking it is any way reasonable to ask you or the children to travel 9 hours to endure any of that shit - does he honestly think that is reasonable given their previous behaviour.

Do not go, please.

YouSawThePlans · 09/12/2019 10:21

Jelly they're downplaying their DD's illness. I don't think they're deliberately targeting the OP. I think there's a lack of appreciation for living with an adult with serious MH issues.

As I said in my post, I don't think OP should visit or put her DCs at risk. But I think OP's expectations, of what PILs can 'do' about her SIL's behaviour, are unrealistic. They're not going to put SIL out. They're not going to antagonise SIL further to appease OP. They're not going to criticise SIL to OP because, frankly, OP lives 9 hours away - they're not close geographically or emotionally.

OP can and should set her own boundaries but it doesn't need swearing and angst on OP's part.

SarahNade · 09/12/2019 10:23

@YouSawThePlans I didn't read that in the OP at all. She doesn't want her PIL to 'pick sides', she simply doesn't want them lying about her. That's all. It's nothing to do with 'sides'. It's about the OP's right to be treated with respect and not be physically attacked, then called a liar.

timeisnotaline · 09/12/2019 10:57

Nope. I wouldn’t go anywhere near her and pil can visit us if they give a fuck.

pooopypants · 09/12/2019 10:57

Not. A. Fucking. Chance.

Pantsomime · 09/12/2019 11:12

NO - it’s not Safe, welcoming or Relaxing - I’d you did go even if SIL was fine your milk probably wouldn’t
Let down as you’d be on edge the whole time and you’d have to leave with a screaming hungry baby anyway - avoid she’s a dangerous and vulnerable which you need to be as far away from as possible

Jellybeansincognito · 09/12/2019 11:19

They’re enabling the situation by taking out their daughters issues on OP. You can see this by their lack of consideration and care.

Had they actually accepted what their daughter is like and were in a position to get her some help, they’d understand OPs position and support her too, not alienate her.

@YouSawThePlans

Lillyhatesjaz · 09/12/2019 11:42

The only way I can see this vaguely working is if you book a holiday house near your in-laws then they can come and visit you all there a few times for not too long leaving SIL at home

YouSawThePlans · 09/12/2019 11:49

Jelly their DD has been sectioned. They are obviously interacting with services and seeking support in some way. They may be enabling her. They may have hunkered down into some kind of self-preservation mode. I imagine there may also be some resentment that their other DCs have moved away and don't offer any support or respite.

I don't think the issue is how they support their DD. The problem is that OP views how they support their DD through the prism of them not supporting OP. But OP won't be registering on their list of priorities at all. OP's entitled to feel upset about it and to put boundaries in place. But I don't think it's helpful for OP to view it as deliberate attacks on her. It's coming from a place of protecting their DD. If they had agreed their DD had physically attacked OP then they might have felt that started a pathway where OP would have called the police, where their DD could have been arrested,etc. I don't know anyone who would think a police cell is a good place for someone with serious MH issues if they are already on a care pathway.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 09/12/2019 11:55

If you want to be kind about it, you could say that since you seem to be a trigger for SIL, you think it would be unwise of you to go, and obviously such young children should not spend Christmas apart from their mother (and one of them cannot).

It can sometimes be difficult to tell which behaviour is mental illness and which is personality, but in this case I don't think it matters. It isn't safe for you to go so nobody goes. Your husband should not even be asking this of you, he should have rejected the idea out of hand.

Stoople · 09/12/2019 11:55

But if his parents are protecting their daughter, OP has every right to protect her children. If concerns were raised about seeing her pregnant, it isn't out of the realm of possibility that the children are seen as an extension of OP, and potentially in danger.

Guzzies · 09/12/2019 11:58

YANBU. At what point will SIL go further with you, or even go for one of the children if her obsession gets worse? Your DH should be very concerned about the potential for harm to you.

It's also a terrible position for your PIL. Sounds like they are using denial to cope and they probably can't leave SIL alone by herself. They are probably dying to see your DH and their grandchildren but are not thinking straight about the risk to you. They probably thought it would be a great "solution" to leave u out. My own parents have a vaguely similar situation and are often delighted to come up with "solutions" but they have zero awareness how far from normal their behaviour is. Once that kind of denial becomes a coping mechanism in an awful situation it becomes the driving force to protect it.

YouSawThePlans · 09/12/2019 11:58

I agree. I don't think OP or her DCs should visit SIL.

SlaughteredChicken · 09/12/2019 12:08

If your DH (and his parents) have been unable to guarantee your safety, then what makes them think that they can guarantee your children's?

Bluerussian · 09/12/2019 12:09

I wouldn't go and take the children, nor let husband take them, it could end up being a nightmare. In any case your baby is too young to leave you for any length of time. Of course I sympathise with anyone who has mental health problems - and their carers - but there is a limit to what anyone can take.

Try and encourage the in laws to visit you without their daughter. They must have some respite at times. It's a very sad situation for them and it seems they've got into the habit of it all without considering themselves or you and your family.

Frankola · 09/12/2019 12:10

No way. Protect your kids. If they want to see them they come to you and they dont bring SIL anywhere near!

BarbedBloom · 09/12/2019 12:16

She cannot be around them. Her hatred for you may translate to them being half yours and the consequences aren't worth thinking about. It just isn't safe and if your husband argues with this then he clearly hasn't accepted his sisters mental health problems either. I have found that some people find it easy to ignore mental health issues if you can easily remove the trigger and I suspect that is what is happening here.

Also, I wouldn't want to set a precedent as once you are no longer breastfeeding I suspect your H will expect to keep taking the children minus you. It is just another way of ignoring what has happened, which is understandable due to them being his family, but is also not acceptable. The safety of his wife and children should be his priority.

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