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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take DC to see PIL for xmas

130 replies

oytugyhyguu · 09/12/2019 05:02

A long back story but will try to be brief.

SIL has mental health issues (anxiety and depression) and lives with PILs. After DH and I got married SIL has always ended up causing some sort of issue every time I am around. We would see them around twice a year as they live 9 hour drive away. I completely get SIL is unwell so i would ignore things she said or did ( throwing objects at me (this happened once), leaving the room when I would enter, saying nasty things about me loudly so I would hear to extend family members, being rude etc). Not once have I every said anything back to SIL just so I wouldn’t antagonise her and make her illness worse.

Things came to a head two years ago when she physically attacked me because she got upset (She asked me how long I was visiting for and I said 5 days) and wanted me to leave PILs house immediately however it was past midnight and my 1 year old DC was sleeping and I refused to leave DC. During this outburst she was begging DH to “divorce that bitch” and blamed me for her metal health issues, her unemployment and for the reason she does not have a partner or children. She said that her family was destroyed the day we got married.

I have not seen or heard from my in-laws since this incident 2 years ago (DH has visited on his own). I will admit I have not contacted them either however, this was because they told DH SIL did not attack me and implied I was lying. I had planned to go for dinner earlier this year however on the day in laws told DH not to bring me as they didn’t know how my SIL would react to me being pregnant.

We have now had DC2 four months ago. PIL have not come to see the baby (or spoke to me) but want DH to bring both kids to them for xmas. DC2 is breastfed so I would have to go along too. I have also found out SIL was sectioned for 2 months and was released from hospital a month ago.

AIBU to not let my kids be around SIL when she clearly has so much hatred towards me? PIL clearly don’t give a fuck about me either so why should I bother taking the kids to them for Christmas?

I suggested to DH they come to us for Christmas ( I even invited SIL) but PIL says it’s too cold where we stay (central Scotland not the bloody artic).

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 09/12/2019 06:26

dottycat123 having worked with people with complex diagnoses, I don't agree.

I'd say the PIL aren't sharing her conditions.

custardbear · 09/12/2019 06:29

Not a chance! That would be rewarding their pathetic behaviour and also I'd not feel safe if your SIL has acted
They way towards you - what if she turned on your children ? Not a chance would I even entertain that

Tell them you may see them as a family on neutral territory on a normal holiday / weekend but Christmas is for your family now not their pretend world of their DD is center if the universe and no one else matters

PlumsGalore · 09/12/2019 06:31

I suspect the PIL have enabled her behaviour as they may be in denial about the severity of it. It’s easier to believe it isn’t as bad as it is and to blame the none blood relative. Equally they probably dare not leave her alone and visit for several hours.

OTOH, they could have visited you or invited you to visit when SIL was in hospital, and they didn’t.

I think this is for your DH to visit them, alone, and get this cleared up once and for all.

Stoople · 09/12/2019 06:31

@Ponoka7 that may be the case, and it's a heartbreaking situation, but do you really think it's fair for her husband to take her 2 DC (one of whom is a few months old) 9 hours away? The PIL could have contacted her at some point over the past few years if they wanted to maintain a relationship of any sort, even if it was on the sad condition that it wasn't appropriate to visit with SIL there. Basically they want their son and their grandchildren in their lives and to eradicate her from the family. I have also lived with someone who has been sectioned and now has family members caring, but that still doesn't mean that OP needs to go along with this when they have not made one iota of effort; especially as she has invited them over. Sure they probably feel conflicted and of course their loyalty is to their daughter, but no.

Spidey66 · 09/12/2019 06:32

As another mental health professional, I do agree with dottycat.

RiotAndAlarum · 09/12/2019 06:34

Unfortunately, it sounds as though they are too overwhelmed by being carers to ever "be" parents in law or grandparents. Your DH has to realise this and to care for you and his DC by not exposing you to his sister.

Sorry to be so negative, but is there a plan for caring for her after your PIL die? If the "plan" is DH, you all need to work out now how to make sure your family isn't exposed to danger or to unlimited financial liability for her. I'm sorry, it's not a nice situation. Sad Flowers

Monkeymilkshake · 09/12/2019 06:44

If your PILs want to see the children, they can come to your house and be nice and polite to you.
You're not a baby maker that can just be ignore and left out when it suits them.
SIL is ill so that's another issue.

MoveOnTheCards · 09/12/2019 06:53

I have no experience of mental illness so can’t comment on whether her behaviour is excusable, deliberately actioned or whatever, but I do know I would not let my children be exposed to it and its clear vitriol towards me. Especially given the distance and at Christmas. Do they actually expect your husband to take them all that way over Christmas Day, without you?! If I were in your position and my husband wasn’t supporting me we would be having serious words (possibly with a solicitor so I could ensure my children were protected from her outbursts).

Stick to your guns, yanbu. Good luck.

PixieDustt · 09/12/2019 06:54

So they haven't spoke to you in years and expect you to spend Christmas on your own, without your kids and one DC bring their first Christmas? Let's be honest if you weren't breastfeeding they wouldn't want you there.

They can eff right off. CF's

SpeckledyHen · 09/12/2019 06:57

Under no circumstances would I allow my children into that environment , with or without me . Send them. Happy Christmas greeting video text to them all from your family and leave it at that .

Karenisbaren · 09/12/2019 07:09

It sounds to me like the family are enabling her behaviour and thats what it is behaviour, yes she might be mentally unwell however there is a difference and whilst the family are enabling it I am afraid you and your children would be unsafe, so no I certainly would not visit.

SofaCushion · 09/12/2019 07:20

In no way would I entertain a relationship with your PIL, given how they’ve acted in the past. And your SIL sounds dangerous. It isn’t safe for you or your precious DCs to be near her.

SIL is clinging to you being to focus of her problems and representing what she would want for herself. Don’t endanger your babies or yourself!! PIL don’t sound like trustworthy or responsible carers either.

And then there’s the 9-hour journey.

In your shoes, my answer to your DH would be “no fucking way”!

needsahouseboy · 09/12/2019 07:21

I've met plenty of unwell MH patients and funnily enough they don't all behave like that, only arseholes behave like that and only arseholes allow it or excuse it. Her behavior towards you is unacceptable. The family have allowed her to behave like that and treat you like that with no apology.

No way would allow my children to be in that very toxic environment.

rwalker · 09/12/2019 07:35

Sad sad situation to get sectioned nowadays she is VERY ill. It's difficult not to critisce PIL but there life must be hell living with that and when the have it day in day out extreme behaviour becomes normalised .
From what you have said I think you get all this . I think the best thing would be to offer to host a 2nd christmas at your house early jan for them all and it's up to them.
You have christmas at home as a new family the 4 of you.
Best of luck .

fedup21 · 09/12/2019 07:40

they told DH SIL did not attack me and implied I was lying.

Was he there when it happened? Is he suggesting it didn’t happen?

Yes, she sounds very unwell.
Yes, the parents must have a tough time.
However none of this is your fault! What does your DH say about the way they treat you? Why hasn’t he confronted them about it?

Morgan12 · 09/12/2019 07:44

Fuck that!
If they want to see the kids then they visit you.

CinderellasSecrets · 09/12/2019 07:45

As others have said there is a lot more than depression and anxiety going on here. Your PILs seem to be in complete denial about how bad things have gotten and to tell you not to go to a dinner because they don't know how their daughter will react to you being pregnant - well the mind boggles!
I absolutely would not be allowing the DC around her until she has her issues under control; what is DC do or say something she doesn't like, will she attack them? Because if she wouldn't - her behaviour towards you isn't mental illness related but purely bad behaviour, and if she would - then she's not safe to be around them. Unless there is a huge backstory her blaming you for all that is wrong in her life is ridiculous and her parents and brother need to stop enabling her like this as they are not helping her.

SarahNade · 09/12/2019 07:53

It sounds like PIL are egging her on and don't like you so vent through SIL and use her to attack you. If PIL thought she was genuinely mentally ill they'd be so apologetic to you, that is how normal people are. However, PIL don't apologise or defend you, they don't give a rats that she was terrorising you, if I was the MIL I'd be mortified. They don't seem to care at all, almost as if it suits their purposes for her to attack you. What sort of relationship did you have with PIL when you were dating and then engaged?

I really think your DH's behaviour is absolutely cowardly and disgraceful. He should put you, his wife, the mother of his children, the one he chose to spend the rest of his life with, before his parents and before his sister. He should have wiped them and gone NC as soon as she physically attacked you and they did nothing about it. Instead, he still sees them. That says to you; you as his life partner, as the mother of his children are not an important hill to die on, you come second to them. I wonder if you asked him to not see his parents again unless they acknowledged and apologised, what his reaction would be? Because it would tell you everything about where you stand as a family unit. But you shouldn't even have to ask him, he should have wiped them for good after she attacked you and they defended her. That is what a real man who loves his wife and children would do. You shouldn't have to ask him to behave like a real man in a committed marriage. You have a DH problem as much, if not more so, than a PIL/SIL problem.

Talia99 · 09/12/2019 07:53

What if SIL decides that your DH is staying with you because of the children? In her unwell state, I’d be worried she might think that if the children weren’t around, you would go too. Your ILs have demonstrated they won’t do anything to protect them.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/12/2019 08:01

Your husband really should have said no straight away, without even discussing it with you. While you SIL must make life very difficult for your in-laws there is no way she would be seeing my young children. I wonder why they didn't visit when you when she was in the hospital?

Whattodoabout · 09/12/2019 08:03

YANBU and your DH shouldn’t even be entertaining the idea. It’s clearly not a safe environment for any of you. Also want to say that people with depression and anxiety don’t generally lash out and become violent, I suspect something else is at play...

ReanimatedSGB · 09/12/2019 08:11

There are certain combinations of MH issues and neurodiversity that can cause this sort of behaviour (I sometimes visit a special school for work reasons, and have heard of students there with complex multiple needs who sometimes fixate on an individual and will physically or verbally abuse that individual whenever they can - often the individual has done nothing to deserve such rage.)
And, as PP have said, it might be that PIL are so worn down by dealing with this woman (does she attack them if she doesn't get her own way? I imagine she probably does) that they can't really see how unreasonable their treatment of you has been.
However, while it's possible to have some sympathy for them - and even for the SIL - that doesn't mean you should let your very young DC spend time with them and definitely not without you there. She probably is an actual danger to the DC.

TARSCOUT · 09/12/2019 08:19

I absolutely would not be exposing children to possible violence after all.they are 50% you and you are obviously for some reason an issue. I get it's not easy just to refuse so yes you would need to go along but perhaps arrange hotel accommodation so you have somewhere to have some personal space?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 09/12/2019 08:23

YANBU and I am not sure your husband should be visiting with the kids either, she doesnt sound stable or safe and who knows if she will develop a sudden hatred of your children and attack them because they are connected to you?

Also your husband sounds fairly passive about it all, why does he even think that putting you in that situation is a reasonable possibility. Why does he want to take a young baby on a 9 hour drive? Why isn't he doing everything he can to keep you and the kids safe from your sister?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 09/12/2019 08:24

His sister