Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take DC to see PIL for xmas

130 replies

oytugyhyguu · 09/12/2019 05:02

A long back story but will try to be brief.

SIL has mental health issues (anxiety and depression) and lives with PILs. After DH and I got married SIL has always ended up causing some sort of issue every time I am around. We would see them around twice a year as they live 9 hour drive away. I completely get SIL is unwell so i would ignore things she said or did ( throwing objects at me (this happened once), leaving the room when I would enter, saying nasty things about me loudly so I would hear to extend family members, being rude etc). Not once have I every said anything back to SIL just so I wouldn’t antagonise her and make her illness worse.

Things came to a head two years ago when she physically attacked me because she got upset (She asked me how long I was visiting for and I said 5 days) and wanted me to leave PILs house immediately however it was past midnight and my 1 year old DC was sleeping and I refused to leave DC. During this outburst she was begging DH to “divorce that bitch” and blamed me for her metal health issues, her unemployment and for the reason she does not have a partner or children. She said that her family was destroyed the day we got married.

I have not seen or heard from my in-laws since this incident 2 years ago (DH has visited on his own). I will admit I have not contacted them either however, this was because they told DH SIL did not attack me and implied I was lying. I had planned to go for dinner earlier this year however on the day in laws told DH not to bring me as they didn’t know how my SIL would react to me being pregnant.

We have now had DC2 four months ago. PIL have not come to see the baby (or spoke to me) but want DH to bring both kids to them for xmas. DC2 is breastfed so I would have to go along too. I have also found out SIL was sectioned for 2 months and was released from hospital a month ago.

AIBU to not let my kids be around SIL when she clearly has so much hatred towards me? PIL clearly don’t give a fuck about me either so why should I bother taking the kids to them for Christmas?

I suggested to DH they come to us for Christmas ( I even invited SIL) but PIL says it’s too cold where we stay (central Scotland not the bloody artic).

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 09/12/2019 08:28

Actually I disagree, it is easy to just refuse. "No, my children are not going to the home of someone who physically attacked me."

It's the fallout that is difficult to deal with. Your DH should back you 110%. But will he?

DeathByPicolax · 09/12/2019 08:28

No I would not allow my DC to visit with thie father. It's clear DH has not got your back and if there was a fray of any sort I would not trust him to protect the children. Stay NC and pull out all the stops to prevent this meeting. Your DH needs his head wobbling if he thinks you are being treated fairly by his family. You are being treated like rent-a-womb.

ChristmasAngst · 09/12/2019 08:29

Don't take her hatred of you personally. It sounds like your presence makes her feel very emotional and insecure because you gave her brother and what she may perceive as a life she would have wanted.

Because of this, being around her is not safe for you. Nor is it for your children as they are an extension of you. It's too risky.

DH goes there alone, always or, PIL come to you alone. TBH I wouldn't have them in my house. Send your spineless DH alone.

inanename · 09/12/2019 08:30

I wouldn’t want to see them at all and I certainly wouldn’t send my small children to stay somewhere where they are unsafe. Who’s to say SIL won’t turn on them as well? I think you need to be firm on this.

Whiskers14 · 09/12/2019 08:30

Given her past form and obvious hatred of you, what if she attacked you while you were breastfeeding or holding your baby? That's what your DH should be saying to his parents when he tells them you won't be visiting.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 09/12/2019 08:37

If they want to see the kids, they should get off their arses and make the effort. I wouldn't be going there ever again.

IHateBlueLights · 09/12/2019 08:39

Not you, not your children. Up to DH if he wants to go.

In your place I'd have nothing to do with any of them. PiLs are not being supportive of you at all.

Gazelda · 09/12/2019 08:44

Why on earth would you go somewhere you are treated by SIL and PIL so badly?
Why on earth would they want you there if it provokes SIL?
Why on earth didn't they visit when SIL was in hospital?
PIL seem to be blaming you as much as SIL does, but without the violence.
Your DH is caught in a sad situation, but should be siding with you 100%.
I don't think I he should be visiting them until they can show some respect for you and humility for how they've treated you.

Ginfordinner · 09/12/2019 08:45

As someone whose cared for an Adult who is unwell to the point of needing sectioning, I can understand why they don't want to visit you.

They could have visited while SIL was in the mental health unit.

Brefugee · 09/12/2019 08:45

I feel quite sorry for the PiL here - i can't imagine this is the life they expected for themselves having 2 grown up children and grandchildren. And I don't expect it is easy for them to get away.

Do they get any respite care at all? If you, OP, wanted to visit them that would be the time. As it is I'd suggest that perhaps you go to meet the PiL at a point half-way between where you all live (can you stay at a hotel) sometime either before or after Christmas, so that they can see the GCs? or could your DH visit them with your older DC only?

I think you're going to need to be creative to find a way for your DCs to have a relationship with their grandparents. But - your DH and your PiL need to understand that it is not safe for you to be around SiL and that pushing for that to happen, ever, is not on the table.

Good luck!

GabriellaMontez · 09/12/2019 08:52

It doesn't sound like a suitable an environment for young children esp at Christmas. I'd be concerned about your safety too as no one seems willing to admit there is a problem. Not a chance I'd be going.

Or my dc.

Brunts12 · 09/12/2019 08:52

You are definitely not being unreasonable! Your children are your first and main priority, not ILs who couldn have visited you when sil was in the hospital! They are also expecting a very young baby to be traveling for 9 hours Confused ?!
They allow SIL to behave like that towards you, makes me think, they are actually scared of her to interfere or in denial of how severe her condition is! Either way, I wouldn’t put myself and my children through all that. She sounds very ill and dangerous.
Have a nice and relaxing Christmas at home just four of you Xmas Smile

Ginfordinner · 09/12/2019 08:53

Could you stay in a B & B/hotel/self catering near the PIL and meet them during the day at a cafe or somewhere similar?

NellieEllie · 09/12/2019 08:53

People are sectioned because they are a danger to themselves or to others. She has physically attacked you. She is clearly triggered by your presence for whatever reason.
You should not go somewhere where you may be physically attacked. In addition to your safety it is unacceptable for your children to witness anything like that. A breastfeeding babe in arms could be a direct physical risk by proximity. Your toddler should not be in an environment that is hostile to her mum.
She has been sectioned and you are a trigger. Your children may be seen as an extension of you or a way to get at you. She had to be “protected” from your pregnancy. Surely a small baby is going to be equally an issue for her?
She has clear, serious mental health issues. You are a trigger, therefore your presence will be harmful to her mental health.

So, there is a very real risk to you, and to her. There is a potential risk to your DCs.

Why would you even think of going?

Your DH is clearly not stepping up to the mark to support you and properly protect his family.

My view would be to say to the PIL, “you are quite welcome to see the children of course, but, for obvious reasons this cannot be in the presence of SIL. What arrangements would you suggest?”
Do not ever though let the DCs go without you.

friedbeansandcheese · 09/12/2019 08:59

What @NellieEllie says.

Why didn't you PIL contact you while SIL was sectioned? They had two months in which they could have come to see you and dc.

What does your h say about all this?? What are PIL's reasons for ignoring you for 2 years?? Even if they can't ceom to see you as they're looking after SIL, they could ring you or email you or whatever to keep in touch. They sound batshit too.

Butterymuffin · 09/12/2019 09:02

You have a DH problem. Why isn't he protecting you and the children from SIL's behaviour? He should be. No way should you or the kids go there.

billy1966 · 09/12/2019 09:04

Neither me nor my children would be going near any of them.

You were assaulted and they called you a liar.

Why on earth would you even consider this.

IdblowJonSnow · 09/12/2019 09:13

No way would i allow my DC to be around someone who has physically attacked me and recently been sectioned.
Youve been more than kind by inviting them all to yours.
Your DH needs to grow a spine, theyve treated you terribly.

Greenglassteacup · 09/12/2019 09:13

It’s disappointing that your husband is so spineless. There’s no way you should put yourself or your children in the firing line in this way. Mental health aside, if someone assaults you, call the police. Speaking as a mental health professional. Assault is assault.

Tooner · 09/12/2019 09:16

Not a chance my kids would be going anywhere near any of them. Your husband is being a coward for not defending you and continuing to ignore the very serious situation regarding his sister

Does he think he can just brush it all under the carpet and ignore the fact that she has physically attacked his wife. Has he ever confronted his parents about the way they treat you?

AbbieLexie · 09/12/2019 09:17

No to any visits to PIL. You have a DP problem - big - he's spineless.

ChuckleBuckles · 09/12/2019 09:22

Has your husband ever said anything to his parents about this, or is he acting the ostrich because it will be convenient for everyone to blame you for his sister's outburst and violence?

What does he have to say about the fact that he puts his parents and sister before you, doesn't defend you, the mother of his kids, is willing to compromise all your safety to appease them?

What does he have to say about the fact that he is now willing to compromise the safety of his kids and place them in this set up?

I would be having a long hard think about my future with him, and all this for people who are so "desperate" for a relationship with their DGC that they won't bother to go to their home town as it is too cold, ffs.

HeronLanyon · 09/12/2019 09:22

Your sil has mental illness so should not be held accountable for her behaviour (if the mhi is causing it obvs).
Your oils on the other hand are the people at fault from what you have described. Lack of support for you, lack of awareness re the effect of sil behaviour, lack of interest in you and D.C. etc.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/12/2019 09:23

I can see why they don’t visit, they must be unable to leave their daughter, yet can’t bring her.

I imagine that they might visit her every day when she is in hospital , otherwise I don’t understand why they didn’t visit you then.
Their lives have obviously been taken over by her and her mental health. They are so used to focusing on her, as the squeakiest wheel, that they neglect their son. He needs to talk to them I think.

LagunaBubbles · 09/12/2019 09:23

Mental health issues aren't an excuse for her behaviour, sounds like she's using them as one though. This woman wrongly blames you, your PIL aren't doing her any favours either. None of which you can control. However your DH should be on your side, what dues he say? I wouldn't let my children anywhere near any these people.