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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to not want to be gay?

93 replies

PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 17:27

It's a long story that I won't tell in detail, but the gist is that I'm in a heterosexual relationship that I got into when I was really quite young, for not-very-good reasons, having earlier considered myself to be probably a lesbian. So I've thought of myself as bisexual for the past nearly twenty years. I love DP as a good friend, and he adores and fancies me, but I've never actually found him sexually attractive.

My "ah shit" moment was after a counselling session where we were discussing me possibly leaving my partner, when I thought more deeply about my statement to the counsellor, "I'm not gay, I just don't fancy men or want to be in a relationship with one or want their penises in me or near me".

The thing is, I do love him, if not romantically or sexually, and although we're not married and have no children, both our lives would be turned upside down by my leaving — I'm disabled and rely on him for quite a lot, both practically and financially, and he'd be absolutely devastated. And for personal and health reasons, I'm unlikely to find another relationship, so my sexuality is essentially theoretical. It may be best all round to just continue as I am.

So ignoring the fact that if I am, it's not something I can really do anything to change, AIBU to really, really not want to be a lesbian?

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SimonJT · 08/12/2019 17:31

You’re not being unreasonable at all, I’m 31 and gay, I’m okay with it now, but it took until maybe 2-3 years ago to be at all okay with being gay. It’s normal in my experience for gay people to wish they were straight.

Your partner deserves better, staying with him for the convenience of the relationship is cruel.

Confusedbeetle · 08/12/2019 17:34

This is a really complex question you can only work out yourself. In a way it would be simpler if you were in love with a woman. It might depend on your partners needs and perspective too. A life partner is so much more than sex, and there are deep meaningful relationships based on love and mutual respect. If either you or he were unhappy it would need addressing. Historically for many reasons many men married and supressed the fact they were gay. Some of them had very loving relationships. Would you be happier outside of this relationship?

Loftyswops988 · 08/12/2019 18:10

Staying with your partner although you do not love him romantically and don't find him sexually attractive is unfair. Things won't be easy for a while for either of you, but you have to end things

Original poster
PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 18:13

Simon I totally see your point re: cruelty. I'm not sure he wouldn't prefer me to stay no matter what, though. I don't even know how I would broach the subject. I've been thinking about leaving for years now, and he has no idea. I did an "am I gay" test online a few weeks ago (yes, I know it's bollocks, but it's one way to bring up the subject) and showed him the results (essentially, "YOU'RE A MASSIVE LESBIAN YOU DIV") in a kind of "haha, isn't this weird, why don't you have a go at the test" way, and he seemed very upset, but I don't know… he's also likely, like me, to struggle to find another relationship. And yeah, I do feel so bad about the part of me that wants to stay because of practical reasons like having somewhere to live and someone to help with the things I can't do for disability-related reasons. He's a human being, not a facility. On the other hand, this sounds smug and awful but I'm pretty much everything to him (God only knows why; I'm not that special) and I don't know how he'd cope if I left him. I really don't want to hurt him, and leaving would cause him so much pain. And I'd miss him an awful lot, too. We have a lot of shared history and have had good times together.

Confused yes, there's definitely value and meaning in our relationship. And he's said before that he's okay with me having relationships with women, too, but that's not my style. I don't want that kind of relationship with a woman. I couldn't lie to her, and I don't want the type of relationship people are looking for when they're willing to be with someone who's already in another relationship, open or not. Tried it, didn't go well (though having sex with someone you're actually sexually attracted to is bloody amazing…)

This would be so much simpler if I could just keep thinking of myself as bisexual, dammit.

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Original poster
PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 18:24

I'm not sure I'd be happier. I might just be alone forever, and poor.

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pugparty · 08/12/2019 18:25

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you both know the truth really and are both in denial. If you've had counselling before can you go back to work through coming out and transitioning to how best to separate?

orcaaa · 08/12/2019 18:25

YANBU

BillywigSting · 08/12/2019 18:31

Yanbu to not want to be gay.

I'm bi, realised when I was about 12/13.

Im 29 now and while a few of my friends, a very very select few relatives (not including my parents or grandparents) and my partner knows I can't tell the rest of my family. So I don't think I'm wholly comfortable with it. I'm not ready to face up to the abuse directed at lgbt people.

It's crap. It would be easier if I was straight but I'm not and that's that.

I'm not even going to try to unpick the rest of your post.

tenredthings · 08/12/2019 18:33

Maybe you can both accept that you're gay yet choose to stay together anyway ?

passingcomment · 08/12/2019 18:46

It’s normal in my experience for gay people to wish they were straight.

Then you need to mix with different gay people because that’s absolutely NOT normal in my experience as a gay man.

Cultoffortnite · 08/12/2019 18:51

‘It’s normal in my experience for gay people to wish they were straight’

Er, no it really really isn’t. It’s normal for us to struggle to come out because we worry about family or friends reaction, or Being different from the ‘norm’ but I know a LOT of LGBT people, and I can’t think of one who wished that they were straight. NOT one.

Original poster
PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 19:16

I guess it seems odd that I could've thought of myself as bisexual for this long, if I'm not…

I've often been attracted to women and/or had crushes on them while I've been with DP, but I put the lack of attraction to other men down to the fact that I already had one of those, even if I wasn't sexually attracted to him, if that makes sense.

It's not really that I want to be straight. Women are too sexy for that to be an attractive proposition to me Grin (I'm currently mildly infatuated with a woman who is barely aware of my existence, and who I would never in a million years let on to. But I can spend time with my happy thoughts…) It's that I want to also be able to be in love with and sexually attracted to DP, and that's just not compatible with being a lesbian, cause he's a bloke.

tenred, that's possible, and would certainly be the pragmatic course of action.

pug — I'm in counselling at the moment, for various reasons; whether to leave is one of them. But I don't discuss not wanting to be a lesbian with my counsellor, because it sounds so much like internalised homophobia and I just don't want to go there, and what would it achieve? If I didn't already have a male partner I wouldn't give a toss about my sexuality; I'd be perfectly happy to be a lesbian (although annoyed at the fact it's a very reduced dating pool compared to being bi). But I do have a male partner, and my life would be a lot less complicated if I were able to be attracted to him.

Goddammit.

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zafferana · 08/12/2019 19:16

Maybe you can both accept that you're gay yet choose to stay together anyway?

Yeah, I agree with this, if that's what you both want. I think the point that other posters up-thread were making about 'setting him free' and also being free to be yourself assumes that that's what you would both want. But if it isn't, and it sounds like you've discussed this and both made your choice already, then what's the harm in that? If you were lying to him about who you are, how you feel, etc, that would be unkind, but it sounds like you've told him you're gay, he's even given you the green light to have relationships with women on the side, but that neither of you actually want to split up - and that's okay too. The main thing is that you're honest and open with one another.

Yambabe · 08/12/2019 20:37

The "not sexually attracted to" thing can happen with straight couples too though after they have been together for a long time.

I guess my question is where do you actually want to go with being a lesbian? If you want to find a compatible and attractive woman and make a relationship with her that includes sex then you really need to speak to your partner and leave.

If you want to be able to appreciate and lust after women but aren't really interested in pursuing them sexually for whatever reason, then you still need to speak to your partner and, providing he wants to stay, there's no reason why you can't do that whilst remaining in a platonic and loving (but not sexually) relationship with him.

Seems to me that rather than not wanting to be a lesbian (or maybe along with it) you are suffering a bit from the what-ifs and pining a bit for the "wasted" years with your partner that you could have spent searching for the right woman to love?

I think you're right that your life decisions would be a lot easier if you weren't a lesbian. I don't think that's "wrong". I just think you need to figure out where you actually want to go with it, and no advice from us is going to sort that out for you.

Good luck Flowers

StreetwiseHercules · 08/12/2019 20:41

Pretty crap for your DP that he’s been duped from the beginning and that you are now reliant on him.

Original poster
PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 21:04

Yambabe — what I actually, truly want is to find a woman I love who loves me, have sex which doesn't involve closing my eyes and furiously imagining I'm somewhere else, and spend the rest of my life with her :-/ but that's the hopeless romantic in me and I think it's unlikely. Fairly normal things to want, I guess (adjusted for preferred sex obvs), but for me, cloud-cuckoo-land stuff, I think. Especially with my various difficulties, which again I won't go into massive detail about but which make me an undesirable partner (I wouldn't date me). And holy hell, you're right about the what-ifs; it's quite a lot more complicated and depressing than I could go into in my OP.

You're right about sexual attraction waning in long-term relationships anyway… lots of people just learn to live with that. Perhaps it's no different just because it's down to his being the wrong sex.

I suppose what I was looking for from this thread was clarity for myself as to whether it can ever be okay to not want to be gay (bisexual would be perfect, please), because it fucks with my head a bit! I'm not homophobic or self-hating, but it's hard to find people who'll talk about this who aren't just against the idea of being gay in general.

Thanks for the luck :)

zafferana — yes, it's hard to go against the societal discourse that encourages being true to yourself etc. I don't know if he knows, really. Or if he knows but doesn't know that he knows, if you see what I mean. I tried to reassure him after showing him the "you're about as straight as a pig's penis" result of the internet quiz I mentioned — I didn't lie, but perhaps I was misleading. What I said was along the lines of "you can have a primary orientation in a particular direction but that doesn't necessarily dictate anything on an individual basis". I was freaked out by how upset he was and wanted to make him feel better :-/

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Original poster
PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 21:05

I wouldn't say "duped", Street, but yeah, it's a shitty situation for him too.

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Lesnamechange · 08/12/2019 21:11

I am a lesbian and every single day I wish I was straight. I didn’t realise I was gay until I was in my 30s and married with children. I have had to break up my family and leave the husband who I adored because of my sexuality and it is like a knife through my heart every day. Had I realised that I was gay when I was younger, before I got married, I would be completely fine with it, but I cannot get over how my sexuality has ruined my life, my husband’s life and my children’s lives. It isn’t always black and white and about self acceptance, sometimes it’s about the misery of having to lose people that you treasure.

Writersblock2 · 08/12/2019 21:12

It’s a tough one, and I think you’re brave for being so self-aware. I think life is more realistically like how you are showing here: in other words, not simple.

People are in relationships for all sorts of reasons. Particularly long term ones. I think the idea of a highly sexual long-term relationship is just one version, and a highly idealised one pushed by Hollywood at that.

I think it’s okay for you to stay, in short. For a myriad of reasons. But maybe you need to work on being okay with being okay whilst staying, if that makes sense.

A lot of your post rings true for me too.

Writersblock2 · 08/12/2019 21:13

Work on being okay with being gay*

PawPawNoodle · 08/12/2019 21:15

What does your partner get from this relationship?

Dutch1e · 08/12/2019 21:26

I'd bet a fiver he already knows. The question is whether you/he/both want to talk about it.

He was upset at the quiz results, maybe he's afraid you're hinting at leaving him.

How would it go if you had a MUCH less blunt version of a conversation along the lines of "I'm not going anywhere, I just wish you could have sex with a woman who actually fancies men"? The point being to see how much he already knows and how he's made peace with it.

Original poster
PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 21:27

What does your partner get from this relationship?

You'd have to ask him that to get a decent answer… if pushed, I would say that we spend time together and that seems to be what he wants. I'm his emotional support and his best friend. He needs hugs and affection, and although he's a huggier person than me, I try to give him the physical contact he needs — I like hugs, but the level of physical touch I need on a day to day basis is lower. He gets to feel like he has an important purpose in life (supporting my education), I guess? He has someone who cares about him and is interested in his life and his hobbies (well, within reason; I tend to zone out after the first ten minutes of valve amplifier chat).

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Original poster
PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 21:28

Les, that is so incredibly shit; I'm sorry Flowers Thank you for posting — it can't have been easy to write.

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Original poster
PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 21:38

Dutch1e — that would be… difficult. He's not a meaningful-conversations kind of guy, if you know what I mean. I think you're right he probably already knows, really, whether he's aware of that or not.

Writersblock, you speak sense. I think I'd be okay with being gay if DP was a woman Blush

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