…to not want to be gay?

[PieceOfWork]

It's a long story that I won't tell in detail, but the gist is that I'm in a heterosexual relationship that I got into when I was really quite young, for not-very-good reasons, having earlier considered myself to be probably a lesbian. So I've thought of myself as bisexual for the past nearly twenty years. I love DP as a good friend, and he adores and fancies me, but I've never actually found him sexually attractive.

My "ah shit" moment was after a counselling session where we were discussing me possibly leaving my partner, when I thought more deeply about my statement to the counsellor, "I'm not gay, I just don't fancy men or want to be in a relationship with one or want their penises in me or near me".

The thing is, I do love him, if not romantically or sexually, and although we're not married and have no children, both our lives would be turned upside down by my leaving — I'm disabled and rely on him for quite a lot, both practically and financially, and he'd be absolutely devastated. And for personal and health reasons, I'm unlikely to find another relationship, so my sexuality is essentially theoretical. It may be best all round to just continue as I am.

So ignoring the fact that if I am, it's not something I can really do anything to change, AIBU to really, really not want to be a lesbian?

Me too maddening

I do have a male partner, and my life would be a lot less complicated if I were able to be attracted to him.

Are you sure the problem is only his penis and not also your dependence? It might be that the things you value about him are at the same time putting you off having sex with him. It's dreary and sexually offputting to be with someone because you don't think you'll ever find another relationship, because you need the money, because of the things you can't do for yourself, or because you don't think he'll cope without you. Do you still have positive reasons for being with him?

I don't discuss not wanting to be a lesbian with my counsellor, because it sounds so much like internalised homophobia and I just don't want to go there, and what would it achieve?

It would achieve some clarity that you don't have at present. Talking about it is a way to figure out how you have coped with society's homophobia that surrounds most people, even when it is not open and is just assumptions, and how society's homophobia has affected you and the choices you have made in the past and are making now. If you have internalised some of society's homophobia then talking about it will help you to escape from it; and if you have other reasons for not wanting to be a lesbian then it's a good idea to put them out there and look at those reasons with your counsellor, so you can weigh them up against the simple happinesses that you are missing.

Not wanting to be a lesbian is just another negative reason for staying with him, among many others. The relationship sounds unsatisfactory for both of you.

YANBU to not want to be a lesbian but you would be very unreasonable to stay with your DP knowing you do not love him and are just wanting to stay for financial and practical support.

You say you see him as a friend so treat him as a friend and do not abuse his kindness (and need for affection) by taking advantage of him, which is what you would be doing if you stayed for your benefit despite feeling nothing for him.

I think you might be a little harsh toward yourself though, you haven't given details about your disability but as a gay woman, I find gay women to be much more open to dating all type of people and don't know one who would be actively put off by someone's disability (I know I wouldn't). Being scared of not finding someone else isn't a good enough reason to stay with a current partner anyway.

Personally, I came out at 19 and did need a few years prior to that to accept it but you wouldn't pay me to be straight now. I find dating women so much more refreshing/rewarding, mumsnet relationship board as well as AIBU is a good reminder as to why most of the time but I think you should consider embracing your sexuality as who knows what you might find?

maddening — it's kind of hard to portray a situation without writing an entire novel, so I can see where you're coming from.

I don't hide not being interested in him — I love him, a lot, and am not lying about that. I care about him deeply. He knows I'm sexually attracted to women, and not really sexually attracted to men, and he's noticed and is sad about the fact we don't often have sex, although a lot of that is due to his health (I don't want to go into too much personal detail about him, but some medications can make you lose interest, and he's physically incapable of some things.) I haven't baldly told him I'm not attracted to him yet; I've been too much of a coward to directly hurt him that way, even though it might be less painful longterm. But he does know, really. I worry about what would happen if I left — he once told me he'd kill himself if I ever left him, but I hope that was just meant as an expression of how much it would upset him. I doubt he even remembers saying it but it's burnt into my memory.

Using him for support and money — not as such, though there's more to the former than to the latter. There are things he supports me with that I would massively struggle to do were we to separate, but he would be in a similar situation — he has mental health problems and chronic physical illness, and has retired due to ill-health. The main support I provide at the moment is emotional and mental health related, but there are times when I need to do more, including some personal care. Money — yes, I'd be a lot poorer, partly because living as a couple is far cheaper than living separately, and that does scare me. We share household expenses, but no rent or mortgage as the house belongs to him and the mortgage is now paid off — he'd have lost the house if I hadn't helped him, but at the end of the day it's his property and I have no stake in it. I was 16 when he asked me to move into his place, so obviously had no pre-existing assets. If we split, he'd stay where he was, with the main financial consequence being that he'd be solely responsible for bills. The major change for me would be that obviously I would need to pay for housing and 100% of bills. And we'd both be financially affected by the need for support with things we can't do. I don't see the point in pretending that it's not financially better for both of us to stay together. It's something that needs thinking about before we decide anything.

Whether I should split up with my partner isn't really what I intended this thread to be about… I suppose I should've guessed it might go that way

Your reasons for staying with him are wrong. Reminds me of when Sheila from number 7 didn't know if she wanted artificial grass on the front. And her husband just wanted to pave it all. In the end they split up because she was only with him for his pension. I know this because I'm still friends with Clint who worked with david online. Don't be with him because he pays for your existence. You don't love him and you sound like you want a tuppence to play with. I say you should be happy. Find a nice girl to pay for everything for you instead.

It doesn't matter if you are gay or not. Your current relationship doesn't make you happy.

Don't stay with someone just because you are disabled. Not fair on yourself or him.

Yes, I'm disabled. Have MS. My thoughts still stand.

Poor guy.

Why are you infatuated with a woman who has no idea of your existence? You sound like a school girl, emotionally. You need to grow up, be mature and address this all sensibly, little-by-little.

I was in a very similar situation. Also disabled, and also deeply in love with my best friend. I didn't fancy him though - never have - but didn't really give it any consideration. We just didn't have sex, which suited me fine.

He left me for my best friend. I was - and still am - heartbroken, but he is now married and in a complete and fulfilling relationship, i assume.

Like you, we were young when we got together, and dating at all is terrifying - particularly from a wheelchair. I long to meet a beautiful woman, but I'm scared and convinced nobody could want me. So I'm alone and not doing a lot about changing that.

I had no choice, but I do believe my ex-husband is happier, if that helps your decision?

There's a fairly well-known couple on Twitter (forgive me as I can't remember either of their names) where they married, one came out as gay years later, and they are still married because they value each other and the marriage, so that's possible. But it has to be what you both want - and I have no idea what their sex lives, if any, are like.

Sounds like a tricky situation. Maybe you and your partner need to reframe your relationship as a best-friend-housemate thing, and then you are both free to date other people. I know it's not a conventional situation, but in the nicest way, what you've got now isn't either. What seperates your relationship now from that of best friends and housemates?

I think there is value in a close loving relationship. That friendship is a good thing, a positive thing.

To live with someone you care about and where both see benefit in living together is not a bad thing, and I know of several friednships where they are not in a sexual relationship, just prefer to live with this friend than live alone.

So, while that doesn't fit the romantic ideal, it is a perfectly valid life choice.

I guess the issue for both of you is whether or not that is enough. It would mean deciding once and for all NOT to have a sexual relationship, which may be a deal breaker for him

If you are going to stay with him I think a) you need to make peace with being gay, because otherwise you're going to live a tortured life and b) I think you need to be honest with him and that might actually help with (a). If you feel that he accepts you exactly as you are, then at least you won't be torturing yourself that you're living a lie and stringing him along.

However, given that you also say this what I actually, truly want is to find a woman I love who loves me, have sex which doesn't involve closing my eyes and furiously imagining I'm somewhere else, and spend the rest of my life with her as well as all the stuff about how impractical it would be to break up with your DP, I think you might want to explore more fully with a counsellor, being honest this time about the fact that you are and accept that you are, a lesbian, what staying with him for the rest of your life will mean for you. I couldn't imagine living with someone forever to whom I wasn't remotely attracted and whose body and sex were not what I fancy. I know you think you're an unattractive prospect as a partner, but your current DP doesn't think so, so perhaps you sell yourself short? Don't condemn yourself to a loveless life, simply because you can't see anyone else ever fancying you. They have in the past, after all!

Also, and on a more general point, I think anyone facing splitting up with a long-term DP, particularly one who they've been with since they were young and so essentially don't know anything else, is overwhelmed by the practicalities. The fact that your DP and you are not married and do not have DC actually simplifies things a great deal. Of course, your disabilities complicate them, but don't just slam the door on the possibility of having a different life where you are happy and sexually fulfilled. I think many people facing singledom in mid-life feel they'll never meet someone new, but the fact is that many do.

both our lives would be turned upside down by my leaving — I'm disabled and rely on him for quite a lot, both practically and financially, and he'd be absolutely devastated.
Your thoughts sound mainly for yourself and your disabiliy. If you aren't independent and can't do things for yourself then get a professional carer. Don't use the good nature of someone who thinks they are your lover. He may well be devastated at first but I'm sure it would be preferable for him to not be living in a sham marriage.

And for personal and health reasons, I'm unlikely to find another relationship, so my sexuality is essentially theoretical. It may be best all round to just continue as I am.
What about his sex life? Again, you are thinking of yourself. It might be best for you but it isn't for him. How utterly selfish of you to stay with him, for the most part because you are taken care of financially and practically. Utterly selfish to condemn someone else's life to be a lie and a sham.

YANBU to not want to be a lesbian but you are one. Just accept and embrace it but cut him free by telling him. If he stays with you after you divulge your secret, that is fine, but for him to stay when he doesn't have all the relevant facts is deeply unjust.

Perhaps it's no different just because it's down to his being the wrong sex.
He's not the wrong sex. He's just his sex. You need to let him go so that he can find another partner who will find himsexually attractive.

We share household expenses, but no rent or mortgage as the house belongs to him and the mortgage is now paid off — he'd have lost the house if I hadn't helped him, but at the end of the day it's his property and I have no stake in it. I was 16 when he asked me to move into his place, so obviously had no pre-existing assets.

So did you start paying rent when you moved in? How much have you paid in in total? If he’d have lost the house without your input, I’d guess a lot. You’d need legal advice, but you might be entitled to some of the funds from a sale since you indirectly paid for a proportion of the mortgage over time.

Could you explain again why you don’t want to discuss this situation with your counsellor? Obviously not if you don’t want to, but it’s a major factor in your life and I would think the most suitable place to discuss it.

he once told me he'd kill himself if I ever left him

Please also talk to your counsellor about this too. This is such a manipulative thing to say to someone, particularly someone who you know has a sexuality that is not the same as yours (I'm assuming he is heterosexual?). The fact that you moved in with him when you were just 16 too makes me feel that perhaps there is an element of control here that you're not acknowledging. How old is he? Is he the same age as you or quite a bit older, as I'm suspecting? It would be unusual, after all, for him to own a property at the tender age of just 16.

Wow, lots of posts here; can't respond to them all right now, but firstly, just quickly to Oblomov — "mildly infatuated" was meant to be a signal that it was light-hearted, because it's an oxymoron. Obviously that wasn't as obvious as I thought I find her very attractive but don't actually know her — we're acquaintances. Secondly, I'm really not looking for advice about whether my partner and I should split up — that's something for me and him to discuss and decide, that I also talk about with my counsellor (takes a lot of working through). I'd like him to visit a counsellor too, but he refuses, unfortunately.

Fair enough that you don’t want comments on whether you and your partner should split up, but it’s not really as straight forward as “that's something for me and him to discuss and decide” given he doesn’t even know you’re gay (even if you subconsciously think he does).

Also yes how old was he when you got together if you were only 16? It all sounds very dysfunction. I think you should be more honest with your partner and your counsellor about the extent of all this.

You need to talk to him, it’s really not fair on him to lead him on like this.

Your relationship does seem pretty integral to this, as being gay wouldn't be an issue if you were single.

I'm also curious to know how old you both were when you met your DP, and hoe you met. Is he a big brother/father figure? Did you ever really "fancy" him or was he an escape from your family home?

Ah jeez, was just about to hit "post" on a long response to people's various points when my phone died and it all disappeared 😂

Will try again (with bastard phone plugged in)…

Felix — people can make whatever comments they like, I just don't want them to be disappointed if I don't immediately promise to drop everything and do what they tell me If I was looking for advice on leaving my partner, I'd post in Relationships.

There's been no formal or regular arrangement with payments for housing. I've sometimes paid for other things that have meant he could afford the mortgage, sometimes bailed him out of overdraft, as well as sharing the bills that he was paying in full before, that sort of thing, a lot of why he'd have lost the house is more to do with me having sorted things out, consolidated stuff, various admin things he couldn't do; it was touch and go for a while. But even if somehow I could make any of this info a legal argument for him selling his house and giving me money, I wouldn't want to. Where would he live? And it's his, not mine.

I discuss a lot of things with my counsellor but have never thought it's worth going into whether I want to be gay or not, because it's something I can't change so it's kind of a moot point. It doesn't intrinsically distress me to be gay, it's just that I think things would be easier if I was bi than if I was a lesbian.

For those describing me as selfish: you may be right. I've worked with more than one therapist over the past few years who've told me I'm too far the other way, so they've been trying to get me to think about myself and what I need, and maybe that's been too much. And those are the things I've mostly spoken about and responded to questions about here. I don't see any point in messing about with ways of saying things that make me look good; it's simply true that there are practical things that I'd struggle with. That would be the case without disability, too.

I'm not happy about the idea that you decide you're gay, instantly march up to your partner, and tell them "I'm gay and I'm leaving you, but don't worry, I'm sure you'll be much happier" — I want to work out what I feel, and think through the ramifications, first, and then have conversations. I'm scared of what would happen if I just came out with it without being prepared or having tried to hint at it so that he's prepared. I don't believe it's the right thing to do to initiate such a hurtful and upsetting conversation before you've even thought it through yourself. I'm not sure what length of time some posters think is suitable for thinking this through before doing anything irrevocable, but I'm guessing it's less time than it takes me. Oh well.

zaff, you make a lot of good points. I've heard people say before that suicide threats are manipulative, but I really don't think he meant it like that. It's just caused me to have it in the back of my mind how upset he'd be if we broke up.

oxcat, that's an awful situation; I'm really sorry. At least he's happy, I guess… I'm not sure my DP would be. He's very isolated; I try to get him to go out and meet people, but mostly he doesn't really want to. I'd like him to see a counsellor, especially if we're going to be having conversations about the future, so he's got someone to talk about this with who isn't me, but again, he avoids it.

Marrow — I was 16, he was late thirties. Not a father or brother figure, but yes to it being to some extent an escape; as I said, it was for not-very-good reasons. I was seriously mentally ill and just out of my most recent psych hospital stay. We'd met online and he asked me to go and visit, which I did, and I ended up not going home. I was very lonely and he was offering love and companionship. I had no experience of sex or relationships and struggled to know what was normal as I'm autistic, so it seemed fine.

Thank you for answering. I did wonder if you were autistic - not what I was asking about, I know! Just something about the way you write (I think I might be too). Anyway, the fact you met so young makes it trickier I think. Have you had any other sexual relationships? Not that you have to sleep with a woman to know you're gay but more that if you haven't then maybe some of this is mourning what could have been? I don't have sexuality related regrets but also had serious MH issues in my young adulthood and missed out on various other life experiences because of it.