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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

…to not want to be gay?

93 replies

PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 17:27

It's a long story that I won't tell in detail, but the gist is that I'm in a heterosexual relationship that I got into when I was really quite young, for not-very-good reasons, having earlier considered myself to be probably a lesbian. So I've thought of myself as bisexual for the past nearly twenty years. I love DP as a good friend, and he adores and fancies me, but I've never actually found him sexually attractive.

My "ah shit" moment was after a counselling session where we were discussing me possibly leaving my partner, when I thought more deeply about my statement to the counsellor, "I'm not gay, I just don't fancy men or want to be in a relationship with one or want their penises in me or near me".

The thing is, I do love him, if not romantically or sexually, and although we're not married and have no children, both our lives would be turned upside down by my leaving — I'm disabled and rely on him for quite a lot, both practically and financially, and he'd be absolutely devastated. And for personal and health reasons, I'm unlikely to find another relationship, so my sexuality is essentially theoretical. It may be best all round to just continue as I am.

So ignoring the fact that if I am, it's not something I can really do anything to change, AIBU to really, really not want to be a lesbian?

OP posts:

SapphosRock · 08/12/2019 21:45

It’s normal in my experience for gay people to wish they were straight.

Erm nope. Unless they are devout Christians or something. Plenty of people are happy and even thankful to be gay.

OP you only have one life. Do yourself a favour and be true to yourself and do your DP a favour and set him free. He deserves to be with someone who actually fancies him.

Basilicaofthemind · 08/12/2019 21:57

Your situation doesn’t really have anything to do with being gay. In any relationship, gay or straight, there can be a lack of sexual attraction. It is very difficult to know whether this is something you can live with or not.

Letseatgrandma · 08/12/2019 22:03

I'm not sure I'd be happier. I might just be alone forever, and poor.

This sounds more about you not wanting to financially support yourself than anything else .

Original poster

PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 22:04

Basilica, I see your point, and there are definitely enough parallels that people in this situation where orientation isn't an issue can still have relevant experience.

I do feel though that there is at least some qualitative difference between not fancying your partner because you don't fancy them, and not fancying them because they're the wrong sex — not least that "coming out" is a bit like telling your partner and the world "our whole relationship was a lie"…

OP posts:

SageFuzz · 08/12/2019 22:04

Do you think you could talk openly with your partner? Might there be any chance to open up your relationship? Tell him how much you love him but that you would like to explore your sexuality, maybe go on a few dates. It would give you both an opportunity for experiences you're unlikely to enjoy together but you could broach it as an adventure together. It seems like you have a great partnership, but it doesn't necessarily need to be a conventional one. Also, you will definitely find someone who wants to date you. There are all kinds of people for all kinds of people. Being queer is great and as cliche as it sounds you really do only live once so try whatever way you can to find happiness.

Original poster

PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 22:09

Letseat — pragmatically, finances are one of the things you have to think about when deciding to end a long-term relationship. It's not that I don't want to support myself (though at the moment I receive benefits as I'm unable to work due to illness/disability), it's that when you combine resources with another person for well over a decade, but they own the house you're living in, and you decide to leave, you're going to struggle. It was a slightly flippant comment that nevertheless reflects the situation lots of people thinking about leaving long-term relationships are in.

OP posts:

SarahAndQuack · 08/12/2019 22:10

I understand why your sexuality makes this a different scenario from what it would be if you'd 'just' found you weren't sexually attracted to your partner any more.

But, I still think other posters are right that, if you know you are a lesbian (and it sounds as if you do, TBH), you are hiding from reality if you make out that you're staying for the sake of your partner.

Original poster

PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 22:13

Sage he's happy for me to have relationships with women while staying together, but I'm not really keen on the idea — people who are interested in a relationship with someone who already has a long-term partner aren't generally looking for the kind of relationship I'd like.

OP posts:

Tippexy · 08/12/2019 22:17

It all sounds very narcissistic / navel gaze-y, to be honest.

Original poster

PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 22:18

It's not just for the sake of my partner SarahAndQuack — rationally, there are lots of sensible, logical reasons to stay together, for my benefit as well as his. And also compelling reasons for me to leave.

I think I've pretty much conceded to myself that I am and always have been gay, but dammit, it's very inconvenient.

OP posts:

Original poster

PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 22:20

It is a bit, Tippexy. Trouble is I ignored my navel for too long and now I've discovered it's full of apocalyptic quantities of fluff

OP posts:

Snuffkindle · 08/12/2019 22:20

I tend to think that if you love someone you should do the right thing by them. It doesn't sound like you are being fair to him. He might know deep down, he might not want to know, but you withholding this information takes the power to decide away from him. That's not fair.

SarahAndQuack · 08/12/2019 22:26

rationally, there are lots of sensible, logical reasons to stay together, for my benefit as well as his.

What are they? Maybe discussing them would help.

In my view, you are not responsible for his happiness. He is an adult. I don't think any adult should kid themselves out of happiness on the basis that another competent adult might not cope with the situation. If you are a lesbian and need to leave, you need to leave. If you tell yourself you're not leaving because your partner will be devastated, well, I think you are making excuses.

That may be just fine. God knows lots of people go on for their entire lives making excuses to themselves. It's not a crime. But you ought to know if that is what you are doing.

Dutch1e · 08/12/2019 22:28

Dutch1e — that would be… difficult. He's not a meaningful-conversations kind of guy, if you know what I mean. I think you're right he probably already knows, really, whether he's aware of that or not.

I understand what you mean about the difficulty of opening a meaningful conversation. Thing is, if you two don't have a fulfilling sexual connection AND you don't quite have the emotional/intellectual connection that lets you speak honestly about important things... what's left?

He's happy for you to have relationships with women so it sounds a bit like you are very companionable housemates who love each other dearly but not deeply iyswim.

Do you both deserve a chance at something more? Or are you happy enough?

SourAndSnippy · 08/12/2019 22:31

It does seem very unfair for your partner. It’s a difficult situation.

VeryQuaintIrene · 08/12/2019 22:32

YABU to wish you weren't gay but YANBU to be unhappy being a lesbian married to a man. In my experience (from other people, not me) this tends to end messily as the lesbian in the end becomes unable to live a lie and the marriage comes to a very painful end. It might be good to think about trying extricate yourself with kindness and dignity before that happens. It sounds hard. Good wishes to you.

mybonniedearie · 08/12/2019 22:34

I realised I was a lesbian at 16 when I fell very hard for my best friend at the time . I panicked, I thought I’d be disowned and would have to move home and be in for a life of hell .

I was 27 before I found the confidence to tell someone out loud, a doctor was talking to me about psychosexual dysfunction and I said, I’ve never really fancied a man , I don’t know what’s wrong with me .

‘You’re probably actually a lesbian,’ was her answer . It was like in that minute something clicked , I went home and a month later, very drunk, I told my aunty I was gay . Followed very quickly by my mum and a friend .

I hated the thought of being gay but I’m so much happier now I can admit it to myself . I’ve never fancied a man . I found my male friend very attractive but that was because I trusted him, I don’t fancy him as such . We have mucked about a lot, been very close (although never physical) and I suspect I could live with him, but I don’t feel attracted to him .

But women ... oh God, it’s totally different ... I feel awful for saying it out loud but there’s a feeling I’ve never had before ... last week it was a lass who was round at the house for some reason , and for a minute I looked at her and just felt all ... oooh, you are bloody gorgeous . I’ve never felt that before for a man .

My aunty’s sister was a lesbian afaik . She was married, two wee lads, left for a woman . She took her own life . My aunty had me promise that, for her sister’s sake sort of, I’d be true to myself and proud of me . I don’t go in for the pride side of things eg parades but I am more comfortable now ... less scared .

I’m probably rambling and not helping at all but hopefully some of what I’ve written makes some sense ... I really apologise if not !!

mybonniedearie · 08/12/2019 22:36

YANBU at all though, meant to say that . I cried my eyes out for six months when I realised .

I am definitely, definitely happier in myself now I can be true to me though . It’s the best thing I ever did tbh .

IfNot · 08/12/2019 22:41

YABVU. Let him go so he can find someone who actually wants him.
So you're a lesbian, you know this to be true but you don't want to give up your comforts, so you keep your partner hanging on, even though you can't ever give him a full relationship, and you can't be sure you would find a woman who fancies you?
You sound UNBELIEVABLY self centered and selfish. Sorry, but you do.

Rombocious · 08/12/2019 22:50

Very difficult situation.

I'd tell him as gently as possible that you've realised you are a lesbian and you don't want to have sex with him anymore. From that point there are many options but I'd consider that an essential first step.

One possible option I don't think has already been mentioned: you could downgrade your relationship to being live in best friends and extra-huggy support partners. Then help each other find new relationships.

Aside: I think the PP who suggested all gay people wish they were straight meant that they wished that at some point in their lives. Not constantly - which is absurd.

Rombocious · 08/12/2019 22:56

@IfNot that's quite cruel. Did you miss the bits about her health issues/disability?

"Giving up comforts" means quite different things in different situations. I do agree he deserves to know though.

IfNot · 08/12/2019 22:59

No I think what is cruel is to stay in a relationship based on a lie. She is not the only person in this.

Rombocious · 08/12/2019 23:09

@IfNot he does deserve to know.

If an independently wealthy and able-bodied women had written the post would you consider them more "UNBELIEVABLY self centered and selfish" than OP? Or are the specific circumstances totally irrelevant?

Shamoo · 08/12/2019 23:15

Well you are in a difficult situation. And coming to terms with your sexuality can be difficult (I know that for sure). But once you do, being a lesbian is bloody brilliant. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

maddening · 08/12/2019 23:27

If my partner hid the fact that they were not interested in me whilst using me for support and money I would be devastated.

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