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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

…to not want to be gay?

93 replies

PieceOfWork · 08/12/2019 17:27

It's a long story that I won't tell in detail, but the gist is that I'm in a heterosexual relationship that I got into when I was really quite young, for not-very-good reasons, having earlier considered myself to be probably a lesbian. So I've thought of myself as bisexual for the past nearly twenty years. I love DP as a good friend, and he adores and fancies me, but I've never actually found him sexually attractive.

My "ah shit" moment was after a counselling session where we were discussing me possibly leaving my partner, when I thought more deeply about my statement to the counsellor, "I'm not gay, I just don't fancy men or want to be in a relationship with one or want their penises in me or near me".

The thing is, I do love him, if not romantically or sexually, and although we're not married and have no children, both our lives would be turned upside down by my leaving — I'm disabled and rely on him for quite a lot, both practically and financially, and he'd be absolutely devastated. And for personal and health reasons, I'm unlikely to find another relationship, so my sexuality is essentially theoretical. It may be best all round to just continue as I am.

So ignoring the fact that if I am, it's not something I can really do anything to change, AIBU to really, really not want to be a lesbian?

OP posts:

IfNot · 09/12/2019 22:14

I was 16, he was late thirties
Ew.
OK, that puts a different spin on things.

Rombocious · 09/12/2019 22:18

You have so many more of your best years ahead of you than he does.

Be his friend, give him hugs and date some lesbians. You just need to get passed the fear and jump. Then you'll probably wonder why it took you so long.

Original poster

PieceOfWork · 09/12/2019 22:19

It's that obvious? I mean, in person, yes, especially if I'm agitated or not able to talk, but I didn't know it showed in text 😄 It's just a thing, though. Like being gay I guess.

Yes, I have experience… (always open and consensual). Bloody nice too. But extracurricular relationships aren't really my thing. It's mostly sex. Which is good, but it's just sex.

I know what you mean about mourning for young adulthood, though. Shit innit? I'm sorry you went through that.

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pugparty · 09/12/2019 22:23

Your relationship sounds deeply unhealthy on many levels. Did you already know that to some extent? Is that why you're ok with using and manipulating him, because you feel he's done it to you?

Original poster

PieceOfWork · 09/12/2019 22:26

Do you think so IfNot? I mean, yes, it makes me uncomfortable to think about it; I'm in my thirties now, and if I look at a 16 year old girl, I can recognise that they may have something very much like an adult woman's body, but I couldn't imagine wanting to have sex or a relationship with them because they're just not… adult enough. But I also think that that was a long time ago, and it's not fair to evaluate a relationship based on how it started.

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Original poster

PieceOfWork · 09/12/2019 22:32

pug I'm not okay with using and manipulating him :-/ We support each other, and would both struggle practically and emotionally if we split. But I do feel bad that he doesn't explicitly know about my sexuality yet, or that I'm working through questions about whether to leave. Would you like to tell me the exact correct point at which to have these conversations with a partner? The moment the first inkling pops into your head? Or later? And how much later?

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IfNot · 09/12/2019 22:33

It's all kinds of wrong. You were basically groomed. I think you probably do need to get away still, when you're ready, but for you. Any man in his late 30s willing to make the moves on a 16 year old girl is not a benign person.

Marrowfatpea · 09/12/2019 22:36

I don't think it's particularly obvious, maybe just in a "takes one to know one" way? And I have quite a few friends who are autistic and there are certain clues in their writing style too (though I can't pinpoint them exactly!). I actually wondered if you were one of my friends but I don't have any with a partner 20+ years older.

Speaking of which I do agree with others that it's a bit gross that he, in his late 30s, had a relationship with a 16 year old. Had he had many other relationships?

Original poster

PieceOfWork · 09/12/2019 22:36

Rombo If it turns out to be that easy, I'll be thrilled

I'm realistic about my attractiveness as a partner, though — not just the physical issues but the mental ones too.

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Original poster

PieceOfWork · 09/12/2019 22:43

Not many other relationships. He had a partner for a few years, but she died shortly before we met. One short fling in the interim.

I didn't mention our ages because I don't think it's relevant to how things are now… it makes people think of me as a victim, or think that I think of myself as a victim, when it was all a long time ago and he's not at fault for any of the current situation at all.

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pugparty · 09/12/2019 22:57

You've described how you both use and manipulate each other...you're staying with him even though you don't want to be with him and he's told you he'll kill hinself if you leave...

I reckon you're doing yourself a massive disservice by not speaking to your counsellor about all of this. You've already spoken to them about potentially leaving him - that conversation doesn't come from nowhere.

Original poster

PieceOfWork · 09/12/2019 23:15

I'm very confused about where you're getting the idea that I don't talk to my counsellor about this stuff. The only thing I've said I haven't talked about, because it's something I can't change anyway and you can only cover so much in each session, is that, all told, I feel things would probably be easier if I were bisexual than homosexual. Whether or not I'd prefer to be bisexual rather than homosexual is pretty much a side issue. What's to talk about? It doesn't cause me existential anguish. It's a case of practicalities. I'd also prefer to be mindbogglingly wealthy.

And no, it's not that I don't want to be with him. You may have seen me mention that I love him and we enjoy spending time together. And yes, there are also practical advantages to both of us of being in a couple. I don't know if you have a partner, but if you do, are you really telling me that if you were thinking about leaving, none of the practicalities would cross your mind? The extra costs of living apart? Dismantling two lives that have been put together over the years to make things all work as well as possible? That you wouldn't think through these things at all before having a conversation with your partner?

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Original poster

PieceOfWork · 10/12/2019 00:36

Should probably say, thank you to all the lovely gay and lesbian people who've posted answers and reassuring posts, and for not being (justifiably!) pissed off at me for wanting to not be gay Really appreciate hearing your views on it. As I think I alluded to, it's awkward trying to find people talking about this — online, if you search for this kind of question you just get a lot of homophobia, and I didn't feel comfortable asking my gay friends in case it upset them. And my straight friends probably wouldn't get it :-/

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AmaryllisNightAndDay · 10/12/2019 09:27

the only thing I've said I haven't talked about, because it's something I can't change anyway and you can only cover so much in each session, is that, all told, I feel things would probably be easier if I were bisexual than homosexual.

I do think it is worth saying that to your counsellor, even though you can't change it. You could then explore what you mean by "easier" - it might not be about homophobia at all, it might be more about facing up to the ways that your relationship with DP doesn't meet your sexual needs. And yes, how much more convenient it would be if it did! But it doesn't. Yet it meets some other needs that you have. It might turn out that your non-sexual needs could also be met in other relationships, not just with your current partner, and that this might be much more possible than you think.

So it is a good idea to talk about it. In fact it's a very good idea in counselling to talk about the things you can't change, because what you can change is how you deal with them and counselling is great for that!

Original poster

PieceOfWork · 10/12/2019 11:09

I see your point, Amaryllis, and you're right that it could be worth talking about. Up until now there just always seem to have been more pressing aspects of the situation to discuss (as well as other, non-relationship stuff).

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zafferana · 10/12/2019 11:18

I feel quite hopeful for you OP having read your updates. MN always wants instant results, because when you're invested in a thread you want that happy ending NOW! But of course you must explore how you feel and how you might move on with your life now that you accept and acknowledge your sexuality - because that's a big deal on its own. All this time you've been telling yourself and your DP that you're bi, but now you accept that you are a lesbian that means that really you're living a lie and so things need to change.

So good for taking these steps, both to work with a counsellor and to chat things through with us lot online, harsh though that process can be. I think you're going to get there, because I think the seeds have been sown now and this process you're going through will nurture them and get them to the point where you feel you have all the pieces in place to leave your current relationship and live an authentic life as a lesbian woman. I sincerely hope you get to that point, because your current life can't be making you happy, even though you say you love this man you've been living with since you were 16. Don't stay with him out of guilt though. You would not be selfish to think about what YOU want now. You're only in your early 30s. You have your whole life ahead of you.

YouDoYou18 · 10/12/2019 12:19

You want to stay with him because you rely on him physically and financially? And you think so highly of yourself that you know he would want you to stay with him, to use him as a convenience, even though you don’t actually want any level of relationship? Sorry but regardless of whether you think you’re gay or not, that’s awfully cruel.

Original poster

PieceOfWork · 10/12/2019 14:31

Yes, it's that simple YouDoYou 😂 I've just cynically used him as an unpaid carer for over a decade and there are no complex emotional and practical issues for either of us. I mean, it's not as though I care deeply about him and enjoy his company, or have had to ferry bottles of his piss downstairs when his autoimmune disorders played up, or actually save him money by living with him, or have had to spend a fair amount of time in therapy untangling what I feel and want, or anything like that.

I can't say I really think that highly of myself? I've no idea why he feels the way he does about me, but it's simply the case that if I believe what he says, he'd not cope well at all if we split. I don't like it when people pretend something's not the case just to make themselves look modest, so I don't do that. Like I said, I wouldn't date me; I find it inexplicable that he wants me around but he does, even though basically we don't have sex (for more reasons than my preferences).

zaff — life's a bitch, isn't it? I've got maybe 30 years left though, DP maybe a decade, so it'd be nice for them to be good ones.

I expect harsh from AIBU — TBH I was anticipating rather more "die in a fire self-hating homophobe", so that was a pleasant surprise.

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