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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For giving cheques not cash

121 replies

RobynsMama · 08/12/2019 12:41

I have a lot of cousins with kids and I like to give them a gift at Christmas. They live quite a distance from me and I don’t like getting gifts that are unwanted/won’t be used to I usually send money but in a cheque with the child’s name on it. I know it’s then gone into the child’s account, and less likely to get lost in the post etc.

These cheques always get deposited fine so there ls no issue there, all the kids have their own savings accounts etc. But I got this text today from one of my cousins and i just found it quite rude but I wanted to see if I’m overreacting.

“Hi,
I know you always give the kids money at Christmas and we really appreciate it but do you think you could just send cash not cheques this year, it’s a bit old fashioned and cash just makes it easier for the kids to spend it on what they want. Thanks!”

The kids are 5 and 2 so I understand the 5 year old maybe wants to actually go out and spend the money but not the 2 year old surely? I’m just worried it’ll go into her purse and the kids won’t have it then. I know she can get money out of the kids bank accounts to spend if she wants to but giving cash just seems a sure fire way to just give it straight to her.

For background, this cousin has form for borrowing money and not paying it back, has been in arrears with her rent but still finds money to go out clubbing and on holiday (without her kids) which is why I stuck with cheques even though other when my DD was born my family tend to put cash in cards for Christmas and birthdays (I’m the only one that does cheques)

I don’t want to stop giving gifts, but I’m honestly thinking about just saving money for them now (just the same amount as the other kids get) and gifting it when they turn 18. It seems like much less hassle but then I’ll be seen as a Scrooge, bc the other kids in my family will still be getting cheques at Christmas. I don’t know what to do for the best 😩

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 08/12/2019 13:23

@PullingMySocksUp HSBC, it's soooo handy!

user1493494961 · 08/12/2019 13:25

I wouldn't send cash or vouchers through the post. If it's a pita for people, don't bother at all, just give them something when you see them. I find people very entitled nowadays.

magoria · 08/12/2019 13:25

I always send cheques to certain family members as I know the parent would not pass it on to the DC otherwise.

I have asked for bank details as that is easier and the ones I have I use.

Cash in the post is bloody stupid especially at this time of uear.

dontalltalkatonce · 08/12/2019 13:25

I would not send cash in the post ever. Or vouchers.

cherryblossomgin · 08/12/2019 13:27

Cheques are difficult because our local branch closed and we get the van coming round once a week then you have to wait for them to clear.

What about one of them prepaid Visas?

OublietteBravo · 08/12/2019 13:28

Cheques are fine as long as you get the names correct (no MIL - my surname is not and never will be the same as yours. I cannot pay in cheques unless they have my legal name on them. Write them in DH’s name and get him to buy something suitable for the DC. We both work FT, so I don’t have “more time to go shopping” whatever you might think)

Mummy0ftwo12 · 08/12/2019 13:28

You can post cheques to my bank (Nationwide) to pay in, there's a form on the website that you print off

cantfindname · 08/12/2019 13:29

She is spending the money herself without a doubt!

Ask for account details and do a bank transfer from your phone/PC.

percheron67 · 08/12/2019 13:29

Tell her that it is a safety concern and you don't want to send cash through the post. Very sensible.

Tippexy · 08/12/2019 13:30

Cheques can be deposited on phone apps these days; you take a photo of the front and back of it and it’s done - amazing. So the exactas about not being able to get to a bank is bollocks.

YANBU OP - send vouchers then she can’t get her grubby little hands on the cash.

Tippexy · 08/12/2019 13:30

Excuses! Not exactas, whatever they are Hmm

Somanysocks · 08/12/2019 13:30

@Nokeysnoentry I don't think drug dealers put their cash in the bank. Grin

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 08/12/2019 13:32

With some parents, you have to accept that there is a risk of gifts given to the children only really benefitting the parents. Physical gifts can be returned and the refund spent, or sold. Cash can be taken and vouchers either sold or spent on themselves.

I think you have to think about whether it's important to give these children a gift at all- does your cousin give anything to you or your kids? Would it cause problems with your wider family if you sent nothing? Could you make some excuse about reducing Christmas giving generally and just stop? Lots of people are trying to stop the endless onslaught of plastic and debt, so it's really not an unusual decision.

If you decide that your really need to keep on giving, then I think you may need to accept that you can't easily ringfence the money for the children's benefit.

ForalltheSaints · 08/12/2019 13:32

I would never put cash in the post at all. Even if only 0.5% of postal employees are thieves, there is a chance of it being stolen.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 08/12/2019 13:32

My bank most definitely do not have any other way to pay in. No photo on an app. Not in the post office.

If I wasn't stuck with them because of my overdraft, I'd be with another bank.

Original poster
RobynsMama · 08/12/2019 13:32

I didn’t really think much about cheques being a faff, I live in a city within walking distance of about 4 banks. I’m guilty of assuming everyone has the same easy access to banks as I do. If they’re being phased out I’ll have to do vouchers, maybe online ones to save them being lost in the post.

Bank transfers would be safer but it feels less like a gift? Books are also a good idea, especially for the 5 yo.

To the PP who asked what my cousin gets me for Christmas, we don’t exchange guest for adults and she doesn’t send a gift for my DD but she does send cards and that’s absolutely fine, I don’t give to receive and the cards are always really thoughtfully picked.

OP posts:
DamnitCharlie · 08/12/2019 13:33

Ask for the children's account details instead and pay it in. I think you only need their name, sort code and account number. I absolutely hate cheques, they hang around the house for months and our closest bank is half an hour away. How the parent acts with money is irrelevant as they can still access a child's money. Don't send money at all if you think the parent is irresponsible with it.

notnowmaybelater · 08/12/2019 13:34

Toy shop vouchers certainly sound like the only way to be even slightly confident that the children benefit from the gift in this case, given the update about her wanting the receipt to return clothing gifts as she prefers cash...

Even if you send toy shop vouchers it sounds as though she might ask you to exchange them for cash - is she even pretending not to be using the money herself?

Cheques are a complete pain for most people though, my late grandmother continued to post a £5 cheque to me for my birthday for years after I left the UK, but luckily appeared not to notice they were never paid in... Or perhaps she did and saw it as a win-win! Grin

Witchend · 08/12/2019 13:42

It's not going to be so she can spend it. If the children are that she can just put it in and take it out again.

It may be that it is a pain to put a cheque in. My parents' village had 4 banks in when I was little. They now have none.
The nearest town used to have 8, now has 1.
To pay a cheque in my parents need to go 6 miles to a town which is a pain to park in and they don't go for anything else.

And actually for my children at that age, they loved to have the cash in hand as it were. To have physical ability to go to the shops and hand the money over.

If you don't want to send cash through the post, which I have every sympathy with you on, then ask for the bank details and pay it straight in.

I don't think it's rude to ask. I remember buying a Boots voucher one year for a young relative, (which is what we often got) and their mum quietly let me know that rather than the huge Boots that sold everything we had, theirs was a tiny chemist that didn't sell much beyond medicines and first aid supplies. I was glad to have the heads up so I could find them something more suitable.

Arthritica · 08/12/2019 13:44

YABU to send cheques rather than vouchers or cash, and she's unreasonable to demand cash.
The local post offices and all local bank branches have closed in the last 2 years near me. To pay in a cheque I need to go into the city centre (25 minutes by bus).

Tooner · 08/12/2019 13:44

I think she's got a cheek and I know you don't give to receive however she could send your little one a gift. That's mean.

I would send the kids some nice books direct to them from the supplier. She can't use the money for herself then.

Andysbestadventure · 08/12/2019 13:46

They just want the cash without the hassle of having to go to the bank. Send toyshop vouchers. Unlikely the cash will even get spent on the kids if they're that lazy they can't go to the bank to pay it in. You can even pay in cheques on your phone now!

SpeckledyHen · 08/12/2019 13:46

Cheques are a pain in the butt and kids love to see money dropping out of a card .
My 2 kids of 22 & 24 still love it :)

Snowpatrolling · 08/12/2019 13:47

Reply saying no problem but you don’t want cash getting lost in the post.
Then send some entertainer vouchers recorded delivery, only cost a couple of quid for recorded, then you know it will definitely get spent on the kids.

Andysbestadventure · 08/12/2019 13:48

Actually if she doesn't even send a gift for your child then why are you bothering? She's a cheeky f. Send her a reply saying "we're no longer sending gifts, I'll pop the kids a card in the post though".